Happily Ever...Single?

Girl gets married.
Girl gets divorced.
Girl rallies.
Girl finds new guy and lives happily ever after.

That's how it seems as though it's supposed to go, right? For many of us, our divorce story wraps up with the great new guy and the happy ending.

For some of us, though, we don't get the great new guy. Can we still have our happy ending?

I really thought I'd have been remarried by now. If you'd have told me, when I was a freshly-minted divorcee, that I'd still be single at this stage in the game it would have made me sad. It would have made me wonder what the hell was wrong with me, what I'd done to screw up this time.

It wouldn't have occurred to me that I'd be happy. From my tender years all the way up until I found myself saying "I do", it was ingrained in me that the end goal in this life was to be in love. To find Mr. Right and have his babies and be a good wife and mom and maybe do something for a living too.

And then everything changed. My Mr. Right went away and left me with the babies. It felt as if I had failed, spectacularly, at being the good wife. My first instinct, once the pain abated enough for me to think about the future, was to find the second Mr. Right, and do it as quickly as possible.

I think that was when I began to understand that perhaps my original end goal wasn't all it had been built up to be. After dating several men, and having a couple serious relationships, I decided that I wasn't going to settle just for the sake of meeting some imaginary stipulation. Oh, I came really close, with John McCain **. Super duper close. I knew he wasn't truly the one for me but I considered sucking it up because life with him would have been comfortable and safe.

And then I decided that I'd try to have a comfortable and safe life on my terms.

Society tends to paint women like me, those who stay solo for an extended period of time, as odd or defective. We are either fire-breathing career women or anti-social spinsters or wizened party girls out on permanent prowl. There's a person I work with who asks me, every few months, if I'm dating anyone. She means well, I know, but the sad/hopeful eyes that accompany this question kind of freak me out. Like, am I a project to be taken on? An incomplete person, in need of my missing half?

I always tell her the same thing: I'm fine! I talk to guys here and there, I see one or two once in a while, I exchange smiles and what might pass for flirtatious banter in some circles with fellas now and again. She sweetly reminds me, then, that "it's never too late" and that "the right guy is out there". And I mumble something like "yeah I suppose" and then spend the rest of the day wondering if I reek of desperation.

We've discussed this here before, the whole "not dating" thing. But I think it's good to revisit it now and again. Not only for those who are newbies to this club, but also for those of us who need a reminder now and again that we are the ones who get to decide what's right for us.

Not dating isn't giving up on love. It's not closing off our hearts or man-hating or anything like that. I do sometimes wish for a more regular, permanent relationship. And then I'll have a weekend with my kids, or time with my dear friends, and I realize that I do have regular, permanent relationships already. Just not with a dude.

I choose to see this time as my happily ever during. I'll worry about the after, later.

**********

*I've decided to challenge myself and do the NaBloPoMo, National Blog Posting Month, and write a blog post every single day of November. I figure it's the kick in the ass I need to get writing again. I've made this one with about 30 seconds left of November 7th so you can see how well it's going so far. 

Stay tuned. And thank you for being here.

** I heard it through the grapevine that McCain found himself Mrs. Right and got hitched. I am beyond happy for him, and for her. Truly.