6/26/10

What To Do When Your Husband Leaves You




When I wrote this post, I had no idea so many women would find it by going to Google or Bing or wherever and typing in the words "what to do when your husband leaves". Every time I see those search terms have been used, my heart breaks a little. I wrote this in a lighthearted way...don't get me wrong, the advice is real but the delivery is a bit flippant. I recently wrote a follow-up post, called "What To Do When Your Husband Leaves You. Part Two." It's a wee bit more serious, and contains advice that I wish I had put into this one.

Whoever you are, whatever you're dealing with, I want you to know that you are not alone. A lot of us have gone through this and have made it out of the madness alive, intact and happy. You will too.

Yeah, I'm not dwelling. But I remember wanting to talk to women who went through this interesting life experience and not really finding a whole lot out there on the subject. Sure, there are divorce sites, cheating hubby sites, all that flim flam/angry chat board groupie thing. But most of those offered up the obvious stuff, and I wanted to know the subtle, little things.

Like when you're pregnant, no one really tells you there's a very good possibility that a room full of people will see you poop when you deliver. That's not essential information, but personally, that's good to know.

I made a shit-load of errors. I did a lot of things that I shouldn't have, and it would have been really cool to have had someone there to give me a heads-up when I was going about it the wrong way.

So here is my little list of "Things To Do When Your Husband Leaves You" by someone who has lived through it.

1. Breathe. Duh, right? But remind yourself to do it, do it deeply and often. When we start to freak out we get that panic-stricken breathing thing going on, and that's not conducive to rational thinking. Which you will definitely need to be doing at this point.

2. Put your emotional censor into hyper-drive. You are going to have a million things running through your mind all at once. You are going to want to negotiate, maim, give up, maim some more, accept all blame, pass the buck, yada yada yada. That's all well and good, as long as you KEEP IT IN YOUR HEAD. Don't say anything, write anything, text anything or email anything before you carefully, thoroughly decide if it's appropriate. Or true. Or self-destructive.

I turned to the written word when I was left to twist in the wind. I wrote pitiful, awful letters to Big Daddy, wherein I took all the blame for everything bad that had happened in our marriage. I blamed it on wine, on the Internet, on my hamhock arms...I guess in my damaged state of mind I figured that maybe, just maybe, if I took this one for the team he'd reconsider. In hindsight, I should have ripped these up instead of handing them over. He kept them, and not only kept them but shared them with the very person who was 1/3 responsible for the demise of our marriage. And that sucks. I still have a pretty pathetic, weepy email from him, sent after he and The Office Bicycle had started shacking up, that I printed out and saved. I think it would be...interesting to see the ripple-effect that thing would have if I shared it. But that's irrelevant right now.

Lesson learned: don't let your heart hit send before your brain proofreads. This will be something that requires constant attention. And you will slip. Forgive yourself.

3. Open up your own checking account if you don't already have one. And an addendum to this one: close the joint one, asap. Even if you are one of the rare ones who does get that "fairy tale" ending, it's never a bad idea to have your own bank account. If you do indeed end up divorced, it's wise to get your name off of EVERYTHING that is joint. I am haunted, to this day, by things that we signed on to as a married couple. I'm not a lawyer nor am I a financial expert (I made myself LOL at this one) but I do think that things may have been a little bit brighter for me, financially, if I had dumped most of the co-sign things right at the start.

4. Brace yourself for the fact that if he's left, chances are really, really good that he's got someone else. I denied this one until the proof was physically shoved into my face. When I think back on how desperately I tried to patch things up between Big Daddy and I, and all the while he was slinking back to Suzy Homewrecker, I am filled with two things: anger at how stupid I was, and embarrassment. Especially when I consider the little family trips that I begged him to attend. He'd go, alright. He'd bless us with his presence. And we'd have our awkward sex again.

I distinctly remember one cold late-fall night in a cozy cabin up north...kids all tucked in and snoring away, me and Big Daddy drinking cheap beer and fumbling around in the bedroom. He said, "Hey, do you want to try it a different way?" and God bless my naivete, I was all, "Huh??". Yes, sweet handful of readers, here I go again with the backdoor references. We all know how that "ended" up, right? No way Jose. But it did kind of click in my mind a couple months later when one of the kids asked me what "Astroglide" was. They had found it on Big Daddy's bed. I told him it was a special lotion, and that maybe he should ask Big Daddy what he used it for. Maybe ask him at a party or family gathering.

If I had known right from the start that he had found a secretary who did way more than order donuts for meetings and answer phones, I could have saved myself a whole lot of humiliation. And I could have started filling out my eHarmony questionnaire earlier (it takes days to complete. Months if you actually read the questions).

Anyhoo: Point is, prepare yourself for the worst. You may have already been replaced. Which leads me to my next What To Do (that is actually a what not to do)...

5. When you do find out he's been screwing around, don't obsess about her/him/it/them (the "other"). IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER. Keep repeating this one, over and over until it's burned into your cerebrum. I wasted non-refundable hours of my life wondering who this person was, what she looked like, what her story was, was she hot, was she young or old, did she have kids, what did she have that I didn't??? Waste of time. Because, honestly, who cares a whit about her? All you need to know is that in the long run, she has done you a favor. As poor betrayed Addison on Grey's Anatomy once said, "I don't want someone who doesn't want me." Why would you? Life is short. Don't waste a precious second of it giving them another thought.

Of course, if kids are involved, you do need to know that they are safe when not in your care. I wasn't thrilled to learn that the person who was now playing Mommy with my kids 4 days a month was a recently divorced smoker and likes her drinkies, but as far as I know I don't have to worry about their safety (although the head shaving incident was spooky).

In my situation, once I did finally see this person face to face, I felt oddly let down. She wasn't a stunner. She isn't ugly, but she wasn't the Jessica Rabbit I had pictured in my mind. As one of my friend's husbands said, "She kind of looks like she was rode hard, and put away." So all of that going ape-shit with curiosity was for naught. It was like waiting for some ominous test results (like the HIV test I took, literally the day after I found out about Secretary) and then finding out it's nothing. Quite literally, nothing.

6. Heard about the Divorce Diet? It's real. Take advantage of it if you're chubby. If you are a foodie, like me, this may very well be the one and only time in your life when you truly cannot eat. But you have to, so make sure you don't starve. This was the time in my life when I really used my gym membership to its full capacity. There is no therapy in the world that can beat ears full of high-volume kick ass music and a treadmill. You forget your woes for an hour or so, and all those endorphins will, at the very least, keep you from crying on the way home from the club.

Trust me though, the Divorce Diet isn't known for it's longevity. After a while, life settles down and you start to feel human again, and your past comforts will do what they have always done best: comfort you. If you are smart, you will keep that gym membership or at the very least, do some sort of exercise several times a week. It will keep all of those feel-good hormones chugging through your system which can help out in many, many areas of day to day life. Like when you realize one of the other things that no one tells you....

7. Have some sex. Sex after divorce is awesome. Really. When you have it, that is. Gone is the baggage that you and your own Big Daddy kept in the bedroom. There are no more feelings of guilt for not wanting it. When you're single again, trust me. You want it. There is none of the pretending to be asleep when you feel that hand under the covers, or when you are 100% sure that's not the remote you feel poking you in the back. With single sex, you most likely have a very limited window of time to do the deed, in addition to the dinner/movie/Segway tour that leads to the nookie (yes I said Segway tour. God Help Me. That was the craigslist victim. We'll get to him soon).

You get to feel that rush of taking a big naughty leap again, and the rush is fun. And even if the sex is less than awesome, you get the freedom of NOT HAVING TO DO IT AGAIN. And again and again for 12 mind-numbing years...oops. Got off track. It's kind of a sick thrill to get ready for a date and wonder what Bachelor #3 has in his bag of tricks. There really are other fish in the sea...some wonderful, fun fish who are not total assholes.

What I'm saying is this: There is good everywhere, even among the wreckage of a marriage that has gone off the tracks. Life will be completely different for you now, but when you think about it, maybe that isn't a bad thing. Sometimes even something as devastating as being left behind while the person you promised to love til death do you part begins his own mid-life Rewind can be a gift.

You will be ok.

147 comments:

  1. This does seem like great advice. I wish I'd had some of it a year ago. I hope it will help someone (or several someones) out there. :).

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    1. God, I feel so much more reassured having read this. Thank you!
      xx

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    2. You are welcome. I love that you feel reassured..that's why I wrote this stuff :o)

      Hope you're doing ok!

      Jenny

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    3. Thanks for postg ur lighthearted personal account..im laughing through the agony of my husband of 7 yrs and having 3 young kids walk out..devastated but trying to stay strong

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    4. Yeah I have 4 children and married for 11 years...its going to be hard but us women have something a man don't have (a heart) we will be ok..

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    5. I'm 23 and my 30 year old fiance of 3 years/ father of my 10 month old and 2 year old just left us. He won't help with money, I haven't worked in years and can't because I breast feed and the baby refuses the bottle. My 2 year old is so scAred I'm going to leave him as well that I can't even check the mail without him screaming. His little heart is broken right now and there's nothing I can do about it. My heart races every second of the day , I feel constantly sick to my stomach, I try not to cry but it just comes in huge racking sobs. I have no idea how I'm going to pay rent, I'm scared and alone. I can't help but to want him back even though I know he's sleeping with somebody and he would occasionally hit me as well. I'm just so alone and sad. I want to just sleep but I can't because of my babies. He even took the car so I have no way to do anything. He won't answer my calls. I'm so tired.

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    6. To: Mrs. Mommy,
      These are dark days for you indeed. Whomever this creep is that left you and his children is not worth any more of your tears. It is NOT going to be easy, but you will survive. Your children need you. There is help out there for you. Please call your local abuse hotline and talk to someone. They can help put you in touch with someone who can help. You are young, but I can tell that you are intelligent and caring just from reading your post. You deserve a man who will cherish you. You could only have been about 20 when this jerk sold you a line. He took advantage of you. Do not blame yourself or question your self because of his behavior. You must reach out for help because of your children. Be brave. There is light at the end of this tunnel, it is just that the tunnel is too long right now to see it. Bless you.

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    7. Thanks for the advice and I have 3kids and one on the way i have been married for 10 months and now he wants a divorce because i show him no respect, while im pregnant!

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    8. last night he said he was leaving me and..i died a little...i have knots in my stomach, i cant stop crying.. i cant eat.. sleep..i cant stop crying...my body aches..everything is raw...Been Married 16yrs, 6 kids, and i never ever imagined life without him, even in the highs and low-lows, NEVER WITHOUT HIM.
      i promise this article did give me a moment of clarity and hope....but it hurts so bad, it hurts so bad.
      i am sorry to cry to the world, but, before he left, i asked him (on my knees, literally) to look me in my eyes, (which he kept avoiding) and tell me if he felt NO HOPE of fixing whatever is broken)...he didnt answer...he packed a bag..and he left.....
      i cant stop crying.. when hope is gone, the fight is over...i know this BUT IT HURTS SO MUCH cause, i have, even now, hope...PRAY FOR ME EVERYONE.

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    9. gwen falls, I am so sorry for your pain! 21 yrs. for me and 2 kids. 5 mos. separated and I feel sad and distraught on a daily basis. It does hurt more than anything. I'm still keeping hope alive for a reconciliation with my husband, but who knows? I hope you have support (family, friends anyone to lean on). Take care!

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    10. thank you and i will keep you in my prayers.. the newest update is that He told me "He met someone and wants to move on"!!!!!
      I am angry, scared, desparate, afraid for how the kids are gonna cope. i am miserable. i want to let him go but i am lost on how. i still love him.
      Before we ever married we vowed that if we couldnt make it, it would be on us not from letting outsiders in...
      how could he let someone get close enough inside? why did he?
      i asked him to wait til after christmas to move out. so as not to make this year catastrophic for my kids...am i wrong or stupid for doing this. its hard seeing him, wanting to hold him ..i am a mess, any words??

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    11. I am also going the through the same thing. I want him back and he said no. and there is nothing I can do to change it.

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    12. My husband of 23 years after me finding out messages on his facebook account that he doesn't want to try loves me but not in love with me I am totally devistated I am so scared for my future at 43 how I move on and how easily he has shut down his feelings

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    13. This just happend to me. 10 years 2 kids and he just left. He said it wasn't me, it was the stress of our life......found out later of course that there is someone else. The pain is incredible. I didn't know I could hurt like this. He has done, in the past month some awful things. Called me terrible names and got angry with me for being angry!! I know in my head that I don't want to be with a man that could do what he's done, but my heart is still holding on for dear life. Anyone know when that will go away???

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    14. roxy, as u read these notes, u can see this happens so much it is sickening. like u i am 44. i finally got pissed off and said, dude i deserve better, your loss, now get out of my house....it felt like barbells simply fell from my shoulders and i felt lighter, free-er and at peace. instead of desperation, i feel disappointment and contempt for him. but when i met him...i loved life, i loved me and i was happy...i think i am finding that lost girl again.. and so will u...hold your head up high, look as fine as you can and move on. LOVE WONT LEAVE U OUT.

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    15. I feel for all of you. My husband is getting ready to leave in the new year. He just announced he hasnt paid our mortgage and has a new girlfriend. Im scared abour the future for myself and two children and he is going to take the roof from over our heads and leave us in debt. Why are men so cruel. I no longer love him. Its nearly christmas and i cant buy presents for my children now. Praying god will look out for us and 2014 will be better

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    16. im in the same boat mine went november, havent seen him but apparently hes miserable staying with his mother untill he moves into our other house when the tenants left, he blames me and like asilly idiot i blamed my self, but after him hitting me on 4 different times , i lost my confidence but slowing getting there, he did say to amutral friend maybe in afew months if myself as in me hasnt moved on maybe we may try again, huh i dont think so ,, he left 4 weeks before xmas and im having major surgery in feb, well think that says it all, he didnt like it when i had acouple of drinks and got the courage to stand up to him

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    17. My husband left me after 7 years together. He said he was angry all the time and couldn't figure out why. He started crushing on a coworker. He denied it even though me and many mutual friends were suspicious. Starting New Years Day 2014, he spent a few days at a friends house. During that time, we were supposed to visit his counselor together, whom he started seeing due to ADD issues and the anger. The counselor canceled due to a storm (for the 2nd time) and he shows up on the 3rd day away from me saying he didn't want to bring me in under false pretenses and he wants a divorce. I was shattered. For a few months, he had been binge drinking and smoking, staring at the computer and iPhone and blocking me out. I expressed I was concerned..I mean he looked so unhealthy. Plus he would start yelling at me during a normal conversation saying he was overwhelmed etc.. I mean he has serious ADD and attachment issues. He said he uncovered in therapy that he pushes away the people closest to him and feels closer to those that don't know him well. He uncorked a lot of personal stuff in his first few therapy sessions. The therapist said "seems like there's a lot going on for you". I had no idea that his need to gain control over his life would direct itself at breaking our marriage. He's staying resolute about his decision to divorce me and he won't go to marriage counseling. Myself and others have witnessed him now puppy-dogging around town with the girl he was crushing over. It sucks. Its a small town. I'm devastated. On top of the devastation, I have to hear and see how he's running around having dinner dates and lunch dates and flirting with her. So add embarrassment to the list.

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    18. When he told me he had an "almost" affair with a very young co worker i felt like a ton of bricks just feel on me. I told him to get out. I felt like an idiot. He called during the week just to tell me he did not love me any way for a long time and when would we do our separation or divorce. He said he tried to fix things and made it sound like it was my fault. I wished he had told me he was trying to"fix" the marriage. I thought i was supposed to be a part of the maariage too. This was in November. Im still angry and hurt. Im still looking for work and these days i worry if i will be able to provide and be there for my 7 year old son.

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  2. I hope you're doing ok now. Better than ok.

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  3. thanks for the advice. I would also like some advice on my situation from a christian point of view. I have been married for 16 years and 10 years ago moved to Tijuana MX when my husband was deported. 9 months ago my husband start staying away at night and over time more and more and lying about it. and now he is living with another woman, but he says he still loves me but is looking for more and doesn't know if this is it. he says he doesn't want a divorce, but doesn't want to work on us right now, he comes up with all kinds of excuses as to why which I now know are only to place the blame on someone else other than himself. I finally told him the problem is not me, its him and I haven't done anything wrong to cause this. I love him with all my heart and no matter what he does I can't seem to move forward. I believe a marriage is for life. and that no one is perfect, we all make mistakes. he is all I have here, and I don't know what to do, I know the Lord work in his own time and place, but when is it enough, is it wrong to give up after only a few months. I've read storys of people who waited years, but to be honest I don't know if I can. I have no family here and very few friends so I spend alot of time alone, I work from home and make very little, so I have to depend on him financially. I made the mistake of devoting my life to him and now I don't know how to go forward. every few weeks he comes home for a week or 2 and things are good but its like walking on egg shells, then without a word he doesn't come home he goes back to her. So if anyone out there has been in a situation like this let me know What do I do? E-mail me at Sharbear52@live.com

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  4. Hello dear lady:

    I'm Christian too, for what it's worth, but I don't think anyone of ANY religion should be treated the way you are being treated. Are you a U.S. citizen? May I suggest something a wee bit harsh? MOVE BACK. Leave him there. Christian, you say? I'd say Jesus would look at this situation and say, "Girlfriend, pack your bags."

    You say you've devoted your life to him. What has he done to return the favor? Moved out? Shacked up with someone else? YOU DESERVE BETTER. Start saving some $$ now. If you have friends or relatives here in the U.S., start communication with them now. Get a plan in motion and then get going. You don't say how old you are but unless you're near 100, you are far too young to waste away in Tijuauna waiting for Mr. Part Time to come back and play house every few weeks.

    You said, "I told him the problem is not me, it's him." Honey, you are making this your problem. Get out. Find a roommate, find a job, find 2 part-time jobs. Get out. Begin your life.

    I wish you the best of luck.

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  5. Thank you so much you made me smile through my tears. A very recent member of the 'my husband has left me for another woman' club

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  6. Ha! well it's been nearly 2 weeks since he left us and after a week of crying I took back control and my life... I've redecorated 'my' bedroom and turned it into the girlyiest of girly boudoirs much to my daughters delight and my sons faint disapproval. I've stopped sniveling every time 'he' calls to speak to the children and even suggested that leaving us has probably done the children a favor in that they will spend more quality time with him than ever before and now, after all, it's all about the kids.
    I'm smiling again and have even been able to put together a list of dates/times 'he' can spend with the children which has been duly sent.
    There is life after him - the toughest part was coming to terms with the bombshell and realizing only I could help me, so I am. :)

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  7. Kudos to you Gloria!!! I'm proud of you. Sounds like you are choosing to see the good in the bad. Which is exactly what you have to do to survive in this situation.

    Please keep me posted!

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  8. Hi! I am a new club member as well (unfortunately). But my question is, what if there isn't another woman? I wish so badly there were, believe it or not. I know that must sound terrible but in my church, the only Biblical reason for remarriage is adultery. So while I can be divorced, I am not free to have those things I always wanted, which was to be a wife and a mother. My husband abandoned me a month ago. He quit school (which he did not tell me about and lied about), he let the house become like an episode of "Hoarders" complete with fruit flies (I was out of town for a few weeks taking care of my mother while she recovered from surgery), he didn't pay any bills, he didn't even shower (he used only one unit of water while I was gone according to the bill), and on my return home he simply said he didn't love me and wanted to move to live with his mom. We were married for five years. He left me with a mountain of debt and all of his junk to go through. But yet, he maintains there is no one else.

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    1. It sounds like he has Clinical Depression

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    2. EXACTLY what I thought....see below. Doesn't sound like anything along the lines of cheating or midlife crisis.

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  9. Hey Anonymous..I had to think about this one for a while.

    I am a spiritual person, and I do believe in God. I find it very hard to understand how a church can tell you that you may not remarry. Is he allowed to remarry or are you both condemned to a life of singleness because your marriage didn't work? Regardless of HOW it ended, you should be able to pursue a happy ending.

    It almost sounds as though your husband had some kind of mental illness...was he ever diagnosed with anything? Severe depression, maybe? Are you doing ok, can you make it on your own? Are you divorced yet? Make sure you don't get all of the debt. And the junk? I don't know if you're in the US or not, but there are several junk haulers who can come to your house and for a couple hundred $$ will haul away EVERYTHING. They'll even come into your house and take it out. Or you could donate it, toss it, whatever. Get rid of it!!

    I hope you're doing ok now. Please check back in and let me know. Hang in there!

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  10. Hi! Me again - with the church problem. He was not a member of my church, or a spiritual person so the church rules don't really apply to him. I do know that my husband was depressed and I tried to get him help but he wouldn't go to the doctor or to counseling. I found out after we had been married several years that he abused his sister when he was a teenager. So he is really messed up in a lot of ways. I stayed committed to him because I made a vow, despite the fact that I am a sexual abuse survivor myself. So I am greatly relieved for his departure but I am mourning the loss of my dream of having a family someday if I never know if he has been unfaithful or becomes involved with someone else. He moved 1500 miles away so it isn't easy to keep up with what he is doing. But, I am enjoying my freedom from the burdens of our marriage and have now decided to be content with what God HAS given me instead of worrying about what He hasn't given me. Thank you for your advice and kindness! Divorce is so painful and it is nice to get the views of someone who can sympathize. :o)

    I will not be taking all of the debt, that is for sure. We are not legally divorced yet but it is coming. I am in the US and will look into the junk haulers. It is hard enough to deal with the divorce itself but to have to go through all of his stuff - there aren't enough margaritas in the world! Thanks again!

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    1. Anonymous, if you are still wondering about this, I am also a Christian, I believe in marriage without divorce and I believe the bible teaches us to either reconcile with our husband or remain unmarried in all except a few specific cases. One of those cases is yours, 1 Cor 7:13-15 says that if you are married to an unbeliever and they are pleased to live with you, stay with them. But if they depart, let them depart. You are not under bondage in such case, as God has called us to peace. I was loosely quoting that, please read it for yourself if you like. I believe that what he means by not being under bondage in such a case, is that if your unbelieving husband leaves, you are no longer bound to him and you are free to pursue other relationships. But now that you are a practicing Christian, limit your search to other Christians, besides the Bible telling us to not be yoked with unbelievers, it is just so much easier to be on the same page about those things. Especially when you start having kids!

      I was in a similar situation to you, minus the abuse. My husband suffered from clinical depression. He is a Christianand still went through many of the same things. With God's help he has overcome the depression for the most part, but my heart still worries about what I'm going to return to when I have to leave for a few days. It is a scary situation to be in. We have three kids and have just recently decided that I'm going to stay home with them. My husband has been without a depression episode for over two years (they used to happen every 2-4 months). So we are making progress, but I'm a mom, I worry about the what ifs!

      Anyway, now that you know who you don't want to be married to (your ex husband). Start looking for a good catch! I always think if I would start over that I would make a much better choice, be more logical and less emotional about who I want to spend the rest of my life with. So God bless you, I pray that you get the family you hope for one day!

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    2. I understand your thinking. I thought that way. I love God so much that I am willing to stay with this man if He asked me too. However, the translators of the bible did not get it right. God did intend for marriage to be for a lifetime. However, God is not so cruel as to let you suffer the cruelties of your spouse. There is a whole movement of people that think that the bible says you cannot move on if you divorce. That you are to stand in the gap for your partner's salvation and your marriage. I am just coming out of the fog of this thinking. You can stand in the gap without taking crap from your spouse. I am learning to do it. However, I am becoming more and more open to the possiblity of someday finding happiness with someone else.

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    3. This is a devastating experience -- and it feels like abandonment.
      I am reading a book called Broken Heart on Hold by Linda Rooks. Just simple meditations (faith-based) by a woman who was separated for 3 years -- it's very comforting. Like they say in Alanon, the only ones we can change is ourselves.

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  11. Hello!
    I had been browsing for the 17 day diet.I had always felt for the last 9 years that the "husband leaving you diet was the best"! I selected that and got here.Lost 40 pounds when he left.....I haven't loved you in 6 months....hmm. Oh and 180 pounds of husband.
    Married 31 years and oops off he went with the 31 year old server at the golf club bar.
    Probably the best thing but I am still looking for myself and who and what I am meant to be. Painful ...yes ...but worth every bit of it. So I am 61 and still struggling to find who I am.

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    1. wow just found your post. Well I too am now facing this daunting night mare after 35 years of marriage. Golfer bartender, alcoholic, the whole bit. He is gone. Basically abandoned to never return. Going thru a long drug out divorce process. It's just sick and horrible. Please write me if you get this. Thank you m

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  12. after 32 years of marriage my husband wants to separate. He told me he lost his feeling for me. I having a hard time dealing with this.

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    1. Don't worry we all have a hard time dealing with this. I am thinking now that if you have been married for that long and he leaves you, you are much better off. Only a guy that you wouldn't want to be with would leave his wife of many many years and the mother of his children. I don't want to be with someone hurtful and can see the pain in your eyes and the sorrow in your heart and not care. I will find someone who will love me unconditionally

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  13. after 27 years together, in a marriage that everyone we knew envied, my husband just said to me one night "i just can't be here anymore" and moved out the next day! There was NO WARNING WHATSOEVER!! He literally walked away from everything, me, house, kids (adult), all responsibility. he wouldn't even talk to me for 2 wks.. i did ask him to go to counselor and he did, thinking he was depressed. begged to go to marriage counseling together, and he agreed. week later, he messaged me that he changed his mind, did NOT want to go to counseling together but just wanted a separation! I was devastated..we were a very close and loving couple! He just said his feelings had changed..but he said he loved me as his best friend, but not as a wife and hid his feelings from me. he was constantly telling me how much he loved me.. I was his heart and soul as he was mine.. So, None of this made sense to me! 2 wks later, my girlfriend asked if I had checked his cell phone account, of course, i said No, why would I?? would never think to do that..and my first question to him when he left was if there was someone else, he denied there was. well, i checked account...and found a strange out of state number under his line..no calls, but THOUSANDS of texts..thousands!! every other minute of every hour of every day!! except for maybe 6 hours at night. going back 4-5 months! I had to confront him..he denied it at first then admitted it was an old friend who found him online few years ago and they began communicating...more & more..until it became an "emotional affair" he said. And the thousands of constant daily texting I asked?? well, it became more alright...Sexting!! I was devastated, shocked, appalled, hurt, etc...but mostly felt foolish! How did I NOT notice??? How do you deal with something like THAT??! he said she was there for him..whenever he got angry about something and hid it from me, he'd tell her and she would reassure him that "she wouldn't treat him like that"...well, don't you think that's why his feelings changed?? He says no, she had nothing to do with it. He hadn't even told his counselor about her until I found out.. my whole family, all our friends are just in shock.. we had the marriage they all wanted to have! it's been almost 7 wks now and I don't know how to function..24 hrs after finding out about the "texting affair", he closed our joint accounts without telling me!! I have very strong faith, thank God, and that is all that's gotten me through each day! (along with prescription meds thanks to the newly developed anxiety attacks!) I have so many conflicting feelings on a daily basis it drives me crazy! The one feeling I can't seem to hold onto though, is anger! I wish I could, but i can't. I just want my husband back, but he is so cold to me right now...not the same man he was 7 wks ago. my heart and soul continues to break more every day...will it ever stop?? I just want him back...

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    1. I promise you, that this old friend said everything any man would ever want to hear to tear him away from you! That is the other woman's MO... I can also promise you she isn't rose buds and rainbows, like HE may think, and will realize this sooner or later. Unfortunately, I learned this from pain stakingly long nights of reading tons of literature, and meeting my husbands 18yr old mistress at my front door, when I thought we had a beautiful perfect marriage. It's been a year for me and I am still together with him (he has moved us out of state to where my mom lives, at my request. And groveled for this year of course) but I am quite indifferent to alot of the relationship stuff still. I love and gate his guts every day. But we have a 4 yr old autistic little angel who needs us right now, and a wealthy mom in law who would love to sink her claws into me, so I am "stuck". I need to get my ducks in a row and be 100% sure that I get all that I deserve if divorce happens, and right now I'm not sure. Any advice in my situation would be great.

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    2. all this sounds all too familiar. My life has been turned upside down. After 35 yrs of marriage. What are you kidding me?? My heart has been ripped out and stomped n and crushed. I'm now trying to figure out how to go forward in my life at 55? Are you kidding me. 6 beautiful grandkiddos. Beautiful sons and daughter in laws etc. He just runs off in to a new life. what?? this is just too crazy...

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    3. Ah, that perfect marriage...thought I had that too as did so many of my friends and family. We were definitely not on the top 10 of those headed for court. Since he left, I have done the A to Z doctor program in the first 2 weeks (Ambien, Xanax and Zoloft, oh my) but have tried to steer clear over the last couple of weeks. Went to a GYN once a friend brought it to my attention that his denial of an affair was not reason to put blinders on and sacrifice my health.(I am fine BTW) I have a therapist who after hearing all of this wants 10% once I write and sell the screenplay. My "husband" really will only communicate through email because he knows he has nuked his life with me and all of his long term friends and does not want to face any questions that require real answers to infidelity and abandonment. I packed his stuff in white trash bags(18 in total...the clothes horse)and he picked them up last weekend. I have all the evidence (pictures and communications,she sent her 1985 diary entry from High School to him 2.5 years ago,go figure it was around then that he started feeling a flight response about our marriage,he forgot to take that the day he left,it is in the Divorce briefcase I keep handy for a non-retained lawyer) that he is with another woman (High School girl that got away and was a reconnect on Facebook...common and humiliating).Worse, she has a kid.He can't have children, we did not have children, he has no patience with children and he goes for a woman with a kid. Really? I knew he had mommy issues when we met but this throws me for a loop.He would tell me he was helping her with her separation and divorce (high stakes $$$ as the public record has told me,research can do wonders to tell you about the character of your man)after her husband had left her,ironic, right? He would spend hours at night on the computer.They (as I found out after he left because I had some potent Greeks and Italians in my corner) they were texting morning, noon and night to the tune of 3000 texted a month for months. I feel like Alanis Morissette so many things are ironic! He would insist he had to go to happy hours every Wed.It turns out from the phone records that she was his happy hour.He would take "personal days" on weekends when we could be together and be gone 14, 18 and finally 24 hours without word to me or passive aggressive "check" texts to let me know he was still alive.This was because he was saying things like he was sleeping in his car when he was out all night which caused a crying fight where I explained I was worried sick that a state trooper would be coming to my door.I took that "until death do you part" thing very seriously as did our family and friends.Everyone was shocked (me included) when it happened. But death is not an option in this case!There is just a lot of pain,hurt,anger and 9 years of wondering if he was really what I ever thought he was. It will get better and by rights you are loveable and meant to be loved...

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    4. This is why he left you "in a marriage that everyone we knew envied". It sounds so sadistic, evil and mean, show-off. This is not love. Love is not about boasting and envy. If you put love into him and not what everyone else thinks, this wouldn't have happened.

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  14. Aughh ladies: I'm so, so sorry that you are dealing with this issue. My heart goes out to all of you, and if I could gather you right here in my living room for a private hen-fest, I totally would. I wish I knew the answers. I wish we could all find out the "why". Why do they do this? Why do they change? What makes a man turn his back on the woman he once loved? Who does that? I still grapple with it, and the newness of my situation wore off a long time ago.

    It's not going to be much comfort to any of you, but take it from me: time does help. After a while, the sharp edges of the pain dulls. I'll be honest with you, it never completely disappears. But it gets easier to lug around.

    For the last anonymous? Hugs to you my friend. And my advice to you: learn how to hang onto that anger. It will help you at first. After a while you can let it go, but you need it at first. He left you for someone else, he cheated on you. He walked away from almost three decades of life together for someone who gives good sext. Try to salvage it, if you can. I think every one of us should try to save our marriages. But if you can't, if it's beyond repair, then you have to make sure you stand up for yourselves and walk away with something other than a crushed soul and dented self esteem. You gave him children, you gave him your youth, you gave him love and support and clean socks and dinners. You deserve to be treated with fairness, and dignity.

    Hang in there, sisters.

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  15. I am a new member of this club - wish I wasn't. He left after 30 years (almost 31 years) for a much younger woman - one who is just a couple years older than our daughter!

    I was devastated and in shock - just like that he left to live with her. He told me it had been 5 years since he felt "that" way about me...

    First thing I did was get my own bank account - then severed our joint account. I live with my daughter and her partner and having support is a good thing.

    I started a new job and am finding my way through the morass of feelings and what to say to people.

    As for dating again? Not on my radar at this point - I need to get my life in order first - then maybe I will consider it.

    It is hard but I take it one day (sometimes 1 hour) at a time and hope for the best.

    It has been good to read that I am not alone.

    Thanks

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  16. Wow. After reading all of the comments I must write my own story. My husband and I have been married 33 years ( almost 34) and he left me 8 weeks ago. This summer while visiting his brother and sister-in-law for a long weekend away with our grandson, I intercepted a text message on his cell phone. So glad my sister-in-law encouraged me to look at it because it was his new love interest. After calling the number back to see who it was, the person on the other end said "hey babe, did you make it there ok".
    Well needless to say, I asked "Who the **** are you". I asked my husband whose number it was and he lied and said it was one of his employees (male) from work and, he would call him later. He knew then he was busted. Needless to say it was a tension filled 6 hour ride home. He didn't say 10 words to me. Thank God I had my Grandson to talk to. Anyway, he went to my family and told them that he hadn't been happy for 10 years and that I hadn't kissed him passionately for at least 20 years and on and on and on about everything that I have done wrong in the past 10 years. This was the first time I had heard any of this. I went back and checked the cell phone records for his phone and found he had been calling this same number day and night for 6 months. After looking back at our marriage prior to this call, I guess I recognized that he had been screwing around for a long time. Our marriage was not perfect but after 4 adult children, 2 beautiful grandchildren, whom he was extremely jealous of due to the attention I gave them, I never thought I would be going through this at 53. But I must say, through all of this, I think I have been the happiest I have been for decades. I don't have him asking me when I was going to clean the house, lose weight, do laundry, etc. He was constantly on my a**. Its so funny that after all the years together, he has the balls to tell his family and friends that we didn't have anything in common. I am at the angry stage right now. But it is getting better everyday. I have my wonderful children and their spouses that are here for me, a loving family and thank god my grandchildren and my 2 dogs who don't care that I don't run, bike, lift weights. They love me for who I am. And I know I have the rest of my life to live for myself.

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  17. Ok, what is with all of these guys leaving after 25+ years? It used to be the seven year itch, now I think it's the twelve year itch, but man...that's a long time to be married and then ditch.

    You ladies who have been in it for the long haul and then dumped? My heart goes out to you, but you know what? I bet you will all be the victors in this. Please tell me that you have good lawyers!!

    Remember that the anger stage is a good stage, but should be short lived. You can get a lot done in that stage, but if you linger too long in it you'll start to get a little toxic. I found that out the hard way...

    Bless your hearts, especially those of you who found this blog around the holidays. I wish you a fabulous 2012, ladies.

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    1. I have been married for 29 years. We have 4 wonderful adult children, all out of the house. I am 57 and he 59. We had our problems after 12 yrs into marriage. Long story, lot of pressure, 4 kids (including twin boys). I had a miscarriage in 1992, and he was furious that I got pregnant! He hardly spoke to me the 3 months I was pregnant. I lost the baby after putting up hurricane shutters in 1992. He was not their at the hospital. And seemed relieved. He kept saying "I am getting a vasectomy, we cannot afford any more children." I was heartbroken, because of losing the baby, but I figured that was his decision. He NEVER got a vasectomy. He pulled away intimately and emotionally. And I went through early menopause at 45. So he did not have to get a vasectomy after all. I was really involved in all 4 of my childrens schools, so I just kept myself busy to ease the anger and resentment. I also began to drink heavily. Too much. 3 or 4 rehabs in 7 yrs. That was over 12 years ago. After all the kids moved out 3 or 4 yrs ago, I thought we could reconnect. He would not let me even touch him, said he "can't do anything" and will see the dr. regarding his problem. Such B/S, he comes back and says dr. said I am fine. Yet he still refused any form of affection. I just kept thinking things would work out. Boy was I wrong. He retired from his job of 37 yrs. and went to work for private co. That's when things got worse. We always fought about the same thing.Where's the love and affection?. Then on July 4 20ll, I overhear him talking really sweet and nice on phone in garage. I thought he was talking to one of our daughters at first, until I heard the rest of conversation. He must have had a 6th sense, he opened the door, which was partially open, and I am standing there in shock. He immediately hung up, and tried to keep the phone from me, when I asked who he was talking to. I grabbed the damn phone, and it took me awhile, (not so great with those damn smart phones.) but the person that had called him on 4th of July, at our home, had a blocked, unknown number! Of course, why would you have your number listed, when you are calling a married man. Some ridiculous story about meeting her as a foursome in golf. Which is a joke, my husband does not even think women can play golf. So we got through the next couple of days, my trust totally gone. Who is this person? And to make matters even worse, the next wknd. I found his old briefcase from former workplace hidden in our garage. I was cleaning garage and looked behind a bag of cleaning rags, and lo and behold, there's his briefcase! I looked inside, old joint acct. bank statements and notebooks from work. Then looked in the other compartment. I found a woman's makeup case. Obviously hidden for over a yr. since he left his old job. That did it for me. He had the lamest excuse. "The maintenance guys must have packed up my briefcase from my office! Seriously! We had a big fight, and I just could not believe how stupid I must have been.We tried to get through the next couple wks, until he got another phone call from same unknown, blocked number! While we were lying on the bed talking in our house at 7pm. I knew he was lying, because he picked up the phone (mind you, it says UNKNOWN when he picked up, He says,loudly, "Hey what"s up". And of course, the caller hung up. He said it must have been a telemarketer,yeah, because we all answer calls that way! So the next day, after he went to work, I had the locks changed. And he lived in various hotels, then finally in Oct. he moved into our rental propery (to renovate, he said) So we have been seperated for 6 months now. Holidays extremely difficult. My emotions just seem to get the best of me. He says he loves me, but does not know how to emotionally reconnect with me, because it has been so long.

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    2. I'm so sorry. The way he treated you during your last pregnancy, and after you lost the baby (my condolences, too, my friend..) was abusive. It was cruel and cold and not what a husband or a father acts like. What is he like with your four kids? Are they close with him?

      Obviously he's been involved with someone. When they start to call the husbands at home like that, it means they're getting bolder (the other woman, that is). My husband also used to keep his phone from me, and I'll never, ever forget one time when he lost it...he came home in a pure panic and said to me, "DON'T CALL IT!". He said he was worried about the battery, but when I look back now I realize he was terrified that his wife would hear the girlfriend pick up.

      You did a brave thing when you changed the locks. Seriously, a big hug to you for that. But where are you now in the process? Have you asked him to attend counseling with you? I will tell you now, he'll most likely refuse. If he does go willingly, THAT'S A GOOD SIGN. Even if he's doing it to appease you, at least there is some shred of the old him still in there.

      Please check back and let us know what's going on. And thank you for sharing your story. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

      Jenny

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    3. I have been a mess since July 4,2011- that is when I heard him on the phone. Alot has changed for him. He kept denying that there was another woman. And since he has been "on his own", he has been spending money like it grows on trees, and charging alot too. He says "It's my money, and I work hard for it" You never worked"! So, I guess raising 4 children, including twin boys and my youngest daughter, who was 1 1/2 yrs old when the the twins were born. Plus I had a 7 yr old from a previous abusive relationship. Kids have been out of the house for years. I really lost it after a few months. The ONE thing I asked my husband before marriage, can I trust you? So, that is why I am having such a hard time still after 1 1/2 yrs of being separated. For 9 months, he kept saying " I just need some time to think things through"! And I was dumb enough to believe him, until he finally told me in May of 2012, " I am not coming home and I want a divorce". I gave him over 32 yrs of my life, 4 great kids, always involved with their school and everything else that involves being a stay at home mom. Yes, that was my choice. I took care of our kids, spotless clean house, paid bills, took care off dr visits, repairmen, insurance, taxes, all the stuff he did not have time to do. I know when he started "turning away from me", but I thought he was embarrassed, because he SAID he had ED. He never had ED, and before the fated phone call in july 2011, (May 2011) I found viagra pills in his WORK briefcase. I did freak out. His excuse was so stupid, now I am convinced, Women are the smarter sex! I digress, but it's been along time since I have expressed my feelings. I too, made the mistake of sending "mean texts" throwing all of the " I love you so much and forever" cards that he gave me, on his doorstep. And then, I relapsed in July 2012. I knew it was bad, so I decided to detox myself at home, instead of putting my kids through another 30 day rehab. Boy, did I mess up!! I had at least 3-4 seizures ( according to the dr.) at my home, ALONE. The weird thing, I had called my husband a wk before, and asked him to pick up our dog ( I was not able to take care of her). He said, " I'll be over next week. By the time he got there, I was black and blue all over, dehydrated and incoherent. He took me to ER, I did not even remember we were separated. My brain was fried for several days. I agreed to go to another 30 day rehab. It was not the Hilton Hotel, that's for sure. But it did help me, I haven't had a drink since August 23, 2012. Now, I am still all alone, still angry sometimes, resentful alot, and sad most of the time. I know what I have to do, but emotionally, I can't even talk to my attorney without crying, a year and half later! What is wrong with me?? I have no desire to do anything! Every time we have an argument (usually about him spending so much money), he says " I am so tired of this" And everytime, I have said "FILE THE PAPERS> YOU ARE THE ONE WHO WALKED OUT ON OUR 29th Anniversary!!!!" Yet, he does nothing. I hate the fact that he still has alot of his stuff here, and while I was in rehab, he bought a classic 30 thousand dollar, Chevy Chevelle ("his dream car"), the man is going to be 61!) Now I have to look at that damn car every time I go in garage. Or worse, I have to see him, when he comes to pick it up and go "wherever". I am sorry for babbling, I used to keep a journal for over a yr, but I don't even have the desire to do that anymore. My kids are ok, the really do not want to get in the "middle", and they should not have too. But there are so many things going on this yr, and I will have to see him. I really do not think I can do that. I am still a mess, I cannot believe I misread someone for 32 yrs. Thanks for listening Ladies, My Love and Best wishes go out to all of you.

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  18. OK, I have been married for 17 years. My husband is moving out. I am devastated. We have 4 children. I still love him, but he has told me he is not in love with me anymore. He has been unhappy for years. I have tried very hard to make things better, and have asked him to go to counseling with me, but he won't do it. I don't know what to do. Mostly, I feel bad for my kids. I don't want to put them through this.

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  19. To everyone that has been left by their husbands.. I am sorry and know how you all feel.. 13 years of knowing the man I love he also has decided he doesn't love me anymore and has left me and a 2 year old to be with a his work colleague...

    Its definitely not easy and I know how messed up it can make you.. but what I keep telling myself is to stay strong for yourself and little ones.. you can do this and you will find happiness, because good things come to amazing people, which you all are..

    To a new year and new beginnings.. x

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  20. My husband left me 3 days ago with 2 young kids. New years even midnight I was holding 2 children who woke up crying in the night missing their father. I didn't see any of this coming but had seen HIM changing and growing cold and distant only the last couple weeks. Even christmas morning he watched sports television while I tried to make a nice christmas morning, baffled he didn't even have emotion for his kids let alone me. I learned of recent frequent use of pot smoking, oil? who knows what else? The person I know and married is dead, gone, lost behind not so nice eyes. He won't even come to see the kids to talk to them. All he says is that he has been pretending to be something he doesn't feel he is and he isn't happy, hasn't been happy and is "done" without ever once having an adult talk about it or trying to remedy anything. I have been unhappy and sad that we never dated or did much else besides me being cook, maid etc. and him working and going to sleep early. Either way.... this sucks.... my heart is so BROKEN and I am totally baffled and lost. My heart goes out to anyone else going through this and starting 2012 feeling "left" and helpless.

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  21. no kids, im a soldier in the army. he wouldnt go to the airport with me after a bad fight where divorce was threatened. he moved everything to his dads house 7 hours away and i came home to a couch a bed and not even so much as a dirty shirt of his. it happened on thanksgiving. he wouldnt come home for my surgery and on christmas day i almost killed myself over it. he wants me to file in feb. we got married in feb last year.i just dont understand what i could have possibly done to deserve this

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  22. January 1 & 6....hello, and thank you for sharing your stories. I am so, so sorry...wish there was more I could do or say to help. Please know that you're not alone, even if it feels that way...you are NEVER alone.

    January 6? Thank you for serving our country, and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not hurt yourself. He's not worth it..and you are worth MORE than that. Infinitely more. Trust me. Men do not complete us, they do not define us, they do not sustain us. We have the power to not only start over, but this time?

    We do it right. Good things are coming, ladies. Trust me.

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  23. Hello all
    I'm 24 years old and my husband and I have been married for 4 years and together for six. We have a beautiful 4 year old and I am currently 4 months pregnant. I never checked his phone, I was nieve and trusting when it came to him. on new years he confessed to me he didnt love me anymore, and I tried to understand and accepted it but told him we had a commitment not only to eachother but to the family we chose to start, so we agreed we'd work on our marriage and understand that we are very stressed right now and keep all that we are doing w/ work and school to understand our feelings but always be commited to eachother... I was getting ready yesterday morning and saw a message from one of his ex girlfriends he became friends with on facebook a few months ago that he said it was just because she was such a nice girlfriend but not to think anything weird because she was happily married w/ kids... i saw a message saying are you ok? and i opened it only to find like two months worth of messages where he called her his love and how they longed to be together and how beautiful their lives would be if they could trade spouses so they could end up together once again... i confronted him very calmly after i dropped off our daughter at my sisters house... i asked him where this was leading? He said he didnt know they've never actually seen eachother and he initiated this texting romance... i said if a grown man starts something, he should have a good idea of where he's headed with it... i told him that i was willing to forgive him for the sake of what is right for all of us, if he could commit to end this w/ her.. he couldnt. So I asked him out of respect for me, to please leave the house until he stops talking to her. He didnt want to leave our daughter but thought it would be ok for him to continue talking to this woman and if i didnt love myself enough before and a part of me doesnt want to and wants him to care and have that time with my daughter still, i had to choose what i knew in my heart was right, he could not disrespect our household that way, not anymore. my daughters health breaks my heart seeing her look for him around the house and asking me when he's coming back and balancing school and work and finding help with her has been so hard and its only day two of him not being with us... i told him he would only see her on a schedule, i want him to know that i'm not going to be whatever about this, my daughter does not need to be confused by having him come around whenever he pleases so every other weekend is what he gets... it breaks my heart because they love eachother so much, and i dont know if i'm doing the right thing.... but if we do get divorced ik that that is what i will want and i will ask for child support as well. Especially if i'm alone caring for our new born and our toddler. I pray to God to help me get through this... i sleep with his pillow at night and still bless my husband when i go to sleep and on my way to work when i pray... it hurts but i still love him and want the best for my family, i hope i can do this and handle this the way i am meant to. It's sad because he knows that that woman is most likely not willing to leave her family for him like he did for her... and ik she is not as amazing as she makes herself sound to him through text and over the phone... besides how great can she be if she is doing the same to her own family.

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    1. Ugh...you're so young to be dealing with this! I'm so sorry that this has happened. And you're pregnant, too? What's wrong with him??

      I know how you are feeling right now..especially that pain you talk about when your daughter asks when Daddy's coming home.

      I hope you have made some progress with this, please check back in. The good thing, in this ugliness? You have time on your side. I hope and pray that he's showing some willingness to work things out. And if not, well...you know what you have to do. Do you have help? Support from family or friends?

      My heart goes out to you, friend. Please let us know what's happening.

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  24. I can't believe how many of us share the same story... This is the start of week 7 for me and I am in hell. He didn't tell me either what was going on just left with no warning or conversation after 15 years. I have no money and two gorgeous little girls (4 & 5 years) and he doesn't care about the impact on them. I am angry. We owned a business together but it was in his name only So he locked me out of my accounts and is not providing. I am starting the legal process now which is so difficult as I am still grieving and wish he would come back but I know in my heart that he won't. There is noone else that I know of yet. So he obviously has let me go a long time ago. He moved into his place and is moving on. I am so at loss. Men are sick and low and so selfish. I know that it is his loss now not mine and there will come the day when he wants to return and I will be the one to laugh at him. I want to see him suffer even more than I have. The one thing I want to tell all of you ladies is that IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT IT IS THEIRS!!! Let's all be strong together. God bless you all. I will write again. Love and big hugs.

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    1. Big hugs, new friend. So very sorry that you've found yourself in this boat. Every new comment or email makes my heart hurt...this isn't a club that is excited to get new members.

      How are you getting by? Is he giving you anything to live on? How are the kids doing?

      I can't understand how they are all able to use that saying..."I'm moving on" with a straight face. Why? How?

      You are going to be ok..your strength and determination jumps out from your words. It's natural to want him to suffer, but remember to keep that to yourself (or let it out with your friends or here!).

      Please check back and let us know how it's working out for you.

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    2. Life is tough, I never thought in a million years that you would take the time to reply to my post and I can't tell you how much I appreciate your kindness. I'm now on medication as I'm not coping and my two girls need a child psychologist as they are getting worse. I don't know why I can't accept that he's gone for good even after all the bad things he has done. Financially he is providing a tiny amount - nowhere near what we need to get by. So I have to be realistic and put the home on the market and further uproot my girls... My problem was that I did and gave him too much and i loved him too much - he just walked all over me when he thought that he didn't need me anymore (I built our business up from scratch and supported the start up of it for a long time). Now he's pulled the rug from underneath me. As I'm writing this I can't believe that I still pine for him - what is wrong with me?

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  25. I'm 32 yrs old and have been married for almost 7 years. My husband just left me the other night. He said something is missing and needs time to think. I was blindsided! I don't know who this man is! His father has prostate cancer and has recieved a not so good prognosis, a friend of ours just died a few months ago at 42 years old, no warning plus he's going through a big promotion in his job. We haven't talked at all, he's open to therapy, but I'm afraid it's too late. Also a female's name has been mentioned one too many times. It's true about exercising. Something a year ago got me going to the gym 5x a week and now I go everyday and have completely transformed my body as well as my attitude. I'm still numb, but I don't think I can cry anymore right now. Just taking it one step and one day at a time. Thrilled to find your blog

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  26. I'm 34. I'm not married, because we don't believe in the little piece of paper, but I've been living with my man for 12 years. We've known each other even longer than that. For the last two years I've been sick, too sick to work. My quality of life is horrible. My man had gone back to college. At the beginning of this semester, he decided that he wanted to leave me. I'm not good enough for him, because I don't have long-term goals, 'sides from NOT being sick. Would that I could magically get better, I might actually be able to think about something other than "I feel nauseous, oh why won't the room stop spinning?" Oh, and I'm holding him back from HIS life goals, too. He says he still loves me, he just doesn't want to live with me. ..or touch me or even really talk to me about this. The best part is that, even if I get better, I don't make enough at my job to pay for an apartment AND food in the same month, let alone keep my belongings. I have a cat, and I certainly won't be able to keep her. Even my wonderful houseplants will have to be gotten rid of, since all I've found, apartment-wise, is some basement hovel rented out of the bottom of someone's house. There's a lot of other stuff to this, of course, but I was up 'till 5AM crying, and I'd like to maybe not spend this whole day crying, too. Yeah, I know it seems that I care more about my living situation and possessions, but that's just the least horrible aspect of this. When I think of all the years I spent with that man, just for him to want to bail when things get their worst.... Well, damnit. There goes the crying, again. My advice to some of you newer couples out there.... Even if you don't believe in marriage, get married. At least, then, you might be able to snag some alimony.

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  27. All of these stories break my heart. I, too, have a story but mostly what I am feeling right now is the desire to help in some way. I always felt like I just wanted someone to tell me WHAT TO DO. Does anyone want to start a thread of 100 things to do when he leaves? Serious or funny - no more than 20 words. Sort of like twitter. I'll start.
    1. cherish your children - remind yourself of what a blessing they are in your life

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    1. Hi Anonymous! Welcome. Love this idea!!!

      2. Take care of yourself. Eat healthy. Sleep. Don't overdo the booze or the pharmaceuticals. Take walks. Work out. LAUGH.

      Ladies? Please join in ♥

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    2. 3. Don't get hung up with all the thoughts rolling around and around in your mind about Why? What if? How? And do not blame yourself. Stop thinking useless thoughts and think only on nurturing you and your children. Focus on these things only and just dismiss all else.

      Delete
    3. 4 be glad for all the wonderful support that friends and family will give you, I've been so cared for this week of hell

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    4. Be kinder than you might be.

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    5. Day...curious. Kinder to yourself? The ex? Everyone in general?

      Delete
    6. 5. Mantras. My first one was a song to try and help me mentally during the first 2 months of existing after he left..."I just want to celebrate another day of living." I was so depressed and didn't think I could even go on.

      4-5 months later (STILL in the middle of a simple divorce) it has become--"It is what is; how do I handle the situation at hand?"

      (I could list 100 myself since I've experiencing the process at the same time, but due to legal advice, I cannot.)

      Delete
  28. My story is I married divorced man(she divorced him) , I asked for his insight on finding a good man to marry so I can have a family(as he is a "spiritual"healer)
    he replied what about me. My first response was well we can try. (as I didnt know if I could love him intimately,because he was a guide for me also he being 20yrs older than me,I respected his opionion)But before we were dating he said he was building a healing center in another country(one that he was originaly from) so I participated, when I helped (with a certain very large amount) I said to him that I felt I helped enough with this and I am ready to find my mate. So then we started an intimate relationship,very slowly(sexually was ok as it felt like my "dad" at first. But anyhow it continued but then his demeaner changed,(this side I never seen before in the previous years of knowing him)one of the first arguement that happend between us:He asked me if I knew where "something" was, I said no I don't know,he was in the kitchen, I was in the living room laying on the sofa. He bolted into the the living room and started screaming is this it, is this it and Kicked me 2 times in my thigh,I got up and ran out the door crying hyesterically so in disbelieve what just occured from him. His brother stopped me from leaving the house. And to this day (8years later he says he doesnt remember and denies it happend) and he has just continued to be verbally,and physically agressive,to know we don't live together,cuz he says he has to do his "spiritual work"whatever that is. I have spoken to all of his family and they point his errors,and tell me to keep having patience for him, I just don't know how much more to give. I am living on my own,paying my own rent and bills while he is (living with another women,who he says is just someone who helps him in "his' work.) While I found plenty of emails from this woman how she loves him, she misses him,how the cat misses him, cant wait to see him etc.
    and she admits having an affair with a man in Los angeles and they covered it up so they can contiue to see each other,etc. So I tell my husband and he is angry that I should not have read his email(but he gave me his old IPAD that had his emails and passwords in it,so when I went to sign in on for me it was there)well thats HOW i came to know this information. So he tells me it is not like that etc. So I said there is more to a sexual affair there are emotional affairs,etc. So he continues to deny this, so we agreed he would find another place to stay when over in Calif(We don't live together)so 2 months later i find out he never has left, so another arguement occurs and he says he has now sent me divorce papers after not talking to me for 2 months. So I asked when did he send them,(reply 2 wks ago)I said where(reply to your po box)I said I didn't get it I will check again.I asked why did he not send important papers like that signature required(as He always send import papers that way) his reply He doesnt know. So then we started having converstaion and then he insinuated If I checked on what BiPolar is,if it runs in my family etc. So I said, I will check the signs & symptoms and get back to him, I looked and told him sorry I don't believe I fit that profile. So I asked him if He thinks he could have it cause of his behavior, and of course he became defensive. Anyway now he is talking of divorce, and my concearn is I have put more than 6 figures into building a home with him in another country and I fill like he is shutting me out and has just used me! I am very angry about this. I have gotten this far not by drinking or meds but by only praying. but it still continues with his negative behavior, not so much the physical, as when we do spend a little bit of time together he has gotten better, but is still mentally abusive and mind games. I just don't know how to deal with this situation.

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    1. Hi anonymous...wow.

      First of all, I take it that you're not in the United States? It sounds like you have been able to support yourself on your own, correct?

      Here's what I gather from your note:

      He's physically abusive/aggressive
      He's mentally abusive
      He's had affairs, perhaps even carried on a long term relationship while you two have been legally married
      He lies
      He's accepted money from you for his business venture
      He's tried to pin the blame on all of HIS behavior on YOU (seriously, he asked you to consider if maybe you are bi-polar????)

      My dear. I have no idea what country you live in, but I would find myself a lawyer, pronto. Even if it's just for a consultation, to see where you stand legally.

      You say "when we do spend a little bit of time together he has gotten better, but is still mentally abusive and mind games."

      Is that what you want? Sounds like you are still young, able to start over and find someone who isn't going to treat you like crap. And will start a family with you instead of having affairs with women in different countries.

      I'm sorry you're in this situation, friend. But there is always a way out. And I think you need to ask yourself if it's time to find it.

      Please keep in touch. And be safe.

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    2. We live apart in the US he in one state me in another,this way for 7years now(he keeps telling me it is not forever,but how long is forever in a this life?) and we meet for 2-3months in the country. Yes, I am 40+, and I pay everything on my own. I could start over,but am I just to loose all this big beautiful place that I put more than 6 figures into and my own sweat?that is really hard to walk away from.In our previous arguements on divorse I have pointed this to him, and he said to send him how much I believe I put in and he will "try"to pay me, but I know him now that he will never do it, he will runaway to that country where he is protected. and not come back to USA. Yes, I have been told to go to a consulting lawyer to take information. I need to follow up. I don't "think" that he has been in a sexual affair with this woman, but he is an emotional one with her,as in her emails to him,was never any comments that eluded sex.and no responses in emails from him. But the fact he lives with her(who I just also found out in this issue,she is his client)which also breaks Morals and Ethics codes of conduct.Although he does not hold a Professional licence so nothing can really be done by the law, but I sure let him know that was wrong there too.And he lived with her since 2008 and I never checked on him,questioned him,had suspicion of him there(of course he told me she had a boyfriend but that is not exactly the truth)So I felt OK with it,cuz he said she lets him stay there RENT free and he councils/advices her. So I trusted him.
      He agreed and said he would leave her place,but as we don't live together I really would never know.
      The buisness talk started as a healing center but as we got into an intimate relationship HE started calling it Our home, (but I have my thoughts why he did that) and now I am feeling like he just used me to taken all my money,left me with nothing,taking care of myself,and just a call here and there if he can converse normally.
      It is just so complicated for me.There is so much more to this,and I am really sad,confused,hurt,shocked all of it. Thank you for your response and taking time to read my pain. I hope the best for you too.

      Delete
  29. Married 17 years and 3 kids. He has cheated on me throughout our whole marriage...many years I didn't know and many years I have known. I prayed to God that he would change. That God would open his eyes. I've taken care of his child that he had with another woman while we were married and he would be out with someone else. I am trapped working 12 hours a day in a business we opened together without pay. I bugged his phone once. I'm ashamed to tell you everything I know about him. I'm glad it's a slow day, because I can't stop crying.

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  30. Candy, I'm so sorry you're hurting right now. Are you able to get some support from friends or family? Like mental support, I mean...

    Don't be ashamed, my friend. I think a lot of us know a LOT of things about our husbands (and exes) that are pretty horrifying.

    What's the state of your marriage right now? Is he still cheating? Or is he in a "nesting" phase, where he comes home and promises to be a better husband and father?

    I hope you have people around you who can love you and be there for you. I am truly sorry you're dealing with this crap.

    Jenny

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    1. I have family and a few friends. I'm not sure the state of my marriage. He still cheats but never admits to anything. It's funny...I pushed his buttons on the trust issue so that he would move out. I accomplished what I wanted but now that he has "moved out" he comes home more. Spends more time with the kids, spends more nights at home (nesting? huh). He hasn't promised to be a better anything. He just tells me that he loves me and that he is going to fix it. One minute he is angry and treats me like his worst enemy and the next he acts like he is worried about my happiness.

      I've never denied him anything. I love sex. I would jump him every night if he actually came home. He doesn't know what to make of the fact that I won't even let him see me naked now. I will be happy again. I don't know when or with who but I will be.

      Delete
    2. Augh...when mine moved out, he also did the coming home thing, spending nights, etc. I call that their "reconciling" phase. They are not necessary reconciling anything with you, or your marriage, rather I think they're actually coming to grips with what they've done/what they're about to do. It's like a long goodbye kind of thing.

      I was CONVINCED that I had won, mine said he would move back in, we were "dating" again, etc. And then when it came time to make good on his promises, he bailed. That is one of the reasons I am finding it hard to forgive him...just for that one summer he pretended like it was all going to be ok. I'm an adult, I could wrap my brain around the fact that he was really leaving, but the kids were so sure that they had their dad back. I don't know how men can do that to kids.

      I will be thinking of you, and sending you some super strength if I can. You sound like a pretty awesome lady.

      Jenny

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    3. I thought that I would drop a line and let you know the status of my situation. Dare I say it out loud, but my husband has given up his longtime girlfriend. I stood up for myself and started pushing him out the door and God fixed it. We are still a work in progess. He has literally shed a personality that I have lived with for years...one that was very mean and emotionally abusive and the man that I married has begun to resurface. I still guard my heart. I hold back some. He has broken my heart so many times. We shall see what happens.

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    4. I am cautiously happy for you, Candgirl. I hope things are working out.

      Guarding your heart is never a bad idea. Please be careful.

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  31. My husband just told me 2 days ago that he is leaving me for the woman he left me once before (left once in 2009 for 6 months). He said that he could not take my attitude and that was why he gone back to her, apart from that he can't forget her since the day he came back. It seems he tried. All these years I accepted him for who he is ..in good times and bad.. whatever i do may not seem to be enough or satisfactory to him. I love him so much.. and now I will be left with my 12 yr old girl whom she has taken him for the father since she was 4 yrs old. I am so scared if I will be able to take care of my daughter alone especially without a father figure in her life. I am afraid of the loneliness that I will have to adapt again once my daughter goes to her father's place on the weekends. I am scared to face the emotional, financial emptiness that is bound to come. He is still at our house..waiting to leave..once he had gathered his resources..he will leave..I am also confused if I should do the thing that I always do for him.. his food, clothes or even to sleep in the same room as him. Please help me..Even though I am living half way across the globe..I am really broken down, confused and I still love him very much. And i don't want to lose him.

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    1. You don't have to do ANYTHING right now. I know exactly how you're feeling...seriously, EXACTLY. You need to brace yourself, because what you're feeling right now is just the beginning. I don't want to scare you or be all Debbie Downer, but he's leaving. He's leaving you for this other woman. He's made his choice.

      You are scared, naturally. Terrified is more like it, right? You need to be strong and brave for your daughter. She needs YOU to be the superhero in her life right now more than ever.

      Is her real dad an ok guy? I mean, he takes her for his weekends, does he treat her well? Do "parenting" things with her? Then that's what you've got for a father figure.

      Think about it: do you want a man who would walk out on his family to be her father figure? She deserves better than that. And so do you.

      Are you not in the US? Tell me where you are and I can look into what your legal options are. I can't provide any legal advice, other than tell you what I did in this situation, and what I should have done differently. But I can tell you what I would do.

      I'd ask him to either move into a hotel, or in with his girlfriend. You absolutely have no obligation to him. He's been having sex with another woman while he's married to you!! Please don't feel like you have to cook or clean for him. PLEASE DON'T WASH HIS CLOTHES! He has someone else who can do it for him.

      In less delicate terms, screw him (but please, not literally screw him, you have no idea what he's been exposed to). It's men like this, and there are oh so many of them, that make my heart just ache. They are so callous and so awful and so cruel. They leave women just like you, just like me, in their wake and never look back, never feel anything even closely resembling regret or shame or guilt.

      As far as him "gathering his resources" please make sure he's not cleaning out your accounts! Please make sure he's going to continue to help you financially. That's his obligation! Doesn't matter if he moves out.

      You need to get to an attorney ASAP. I wish I could do more to help you.

      Jenny

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  32. Hi Jenny, Thanks a million for responding to me. Yes I am terrified..but somehow now I do have to courage..I used to be afraid of the social stigma that will befall me..as I am from the East (Malaysia) to be exact and he women who are divorced or abandoned will always be talked upon. Yes my daughter needs me.

    I have to be strong for her as how she has been encouraging me for the last few days..Her biological father is certainly not a father figure.. he also left me for another woman.When she goes back on weekends its her grandparents who cares for her.So i would totally count him out.

    As here in Malaysia, I do not qualify for legal aid.. lawyers cost a bomb and I can't afford any. Its amazing when I read your comment he has someone else to do the cooking and cleaning it for him. My daughter said the same yesterday when i wanted to cook his meal."ask his new wife to do it!".

    The worse is that he has put me in a financial debt by maxing up my credit cards. Would I be able to recover these debts when he wants to file for divorce , I am not sure.

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    1. Your daughter sounds like a pretty awesome young lady (which means she's had a mom show her how to be one)...

      Honey, the only thing you can't recover from is death. Is there really no legal aid in Malaysia? How about Women's crisis centers, or low income family aid?

      Does he have charge cards in your name, or are they your account with his name on the cards? You may be able to call the credit card company and dispute some of the charges (unless you approved all of them).

      Worst case scenario, is you end up bankrupt. What are the laws there like regarding bankruptcy? How about your housing? Are you renting or do you own a home? Is the lease in your name or his?

      Do you have friends or family nearby? Are you working?

      Delete
  33. Yes my daughter is an amazing young lady. I thank God for her..I did look around for women's crisis centers. Unless I am bashed up and end up at the hospital bed I do not qualify too. Yes the card are in my name, unfortunately i have signed on all of it. So i don't think I can dispute any of it. As for the house I am renting right now and I am paying for the rent. I am taking care of most of my child and my own maintenance except for gas and utilities bills by him (which comes up to quite a sum every month and I can't afford it). I do have siblings but the are not near me and aren't able to support me financially. And I am working and I make about USD1000.00 a month which 905 is paid for the bills. If I am bankrupt, I will not be able to acquire any properties in the future or worse case scenario even secure a job and lose my child to my ex.

    I am rather confused how I am going to pull through. I have to think of something.

    I pray each minute now that all will be ok. Please give me the courage

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    1. Can you contact this group:

      http://www.awam.org.my/

      I don't think links work here in the comment section, so copy and paste that into your browser. They have a facebook page as well. I wonder if they can help you, at least in the beginning?

      I wish I was closer, able to help you more. I don't know the first thing about Malaysian law...all I can do is reach out to you as someone who has been through this and tell you that somehow, some way, everything works out. It's so scary. But you will be ok.

      This is going to make me sound completely ignorant, but does your country have divorce lawyers??

      Delete
    2. Hi Jenny, Thanks for the link..I will give them a call and find out the details. I have told my siblings about what has happened. They are supportive and have assured that they will try to help where ever they can. however the loneliness is really getting on to me.I breakdown each time I am alone (when my daughter is away).I will need time as it is not easy to forget 8 years of life spend together. I have asked around for legal aids that are available for people like me. Keeping my finger's crossed that something works out. I have also made a bold move of making a protection report to the police just in case he hits me (he did before because I questioned about the woman). Yes, there are divorce lawyers here, mostly who are waiting to empty your pocket with their charges. Lets just hope and pray that someone will come to aid in protecting my rights.

      Delete
    3. I have been thinking of you, and hoping that you're finding some help. He's hit you before? Honey, having that piece of poo leave you is going to be one of the best things that ever happened to you. I promise.

      Please keep in touch, ok? And stay strong.

      Delete
    4. Hi Jenny.. wonderful to see a reply from you. Yes I have consulted and received a positive reply(not from AWAM). I have to tell you this, he has moved out on 24/09/2012. I came back from work on that day and saw that he has moved out with his belongings.No note whatsoever.But not to worry.. I will hold up pretty well on my own. I have not been depending 100% on him and also have been managing the household all this while anyway.And 4 days after that, he send me an email saying that he is filing for the divorce and will return my jeweleries of mine that he has pawned soon. His lawyers will contact me soon and I may state what are my demands. Yeah right.. I will not make this easy for him.. trust me.. not after all these years and how he have used me..Looking for lawyers who does pro bono (keeping fingers crossed). He can't get married to that woman as long as he is legally married to me. He can convert to Muslim(btw he is a Hindu and I am a Catholic) anytime he wants..I do not care and as long as he is married to me..he can never marry another(that is the legal clause here)..Anyway .. I have all the time in this world..Its payback time Jenny.. Pray that all works out for my daughter and me..You are one of the many Angels that God has sent to my daughter and me.. God bless you..

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    5. P/S.. I took all this cats(4 of them) which he abonden together with us and dropped them of to his mom's place where he is staying now :)and guess what the next day i received the email.hehehe

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  34. anonymous
    The man I considered to be my soul mate announced he was leaving me as we had lost 'deep emotional attachment'. We have been together for 21 years and married for 16. I didn't see it coming. This was in July and as time has passed it has become clearer and clearer to me, the role of a 3rd party in this breakdown. When he originally announced he was leaving he stated that she had been a 'catalyst' and didn't see her as key in his motives. Since that time he has moved out of our family home and has been actively pursuing this new relationship, with little regard to me or our children. I still love him but he is now a person i don't know. Every day brings fresh horrors, just when i think thisngs can't get any worse, they do.
    But reading this blog has made me feel like i am not alone, so thank you all.

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    1. Hi Anonymous, thanks for telling us your story..

      Wow. I guess "deep emotional attachment" takes the back burner to "screwing this new chick". So he told you that this other woman was a catalyst? Is that the new word for homewrecker? How in the world can he say that she wasn't the key for his motives? My God..I think these guys actually lose brain matter when they cheat on us.

      I'm glad you read my posts...please take the advice and get yourself ready.

      And don't worry. After a while the horrors aren't fresh anymore, and although things are probably going to feel worse, one day they'll start getting better. You will be ok.

      You are so NOT alone, my friend. Thank you for stopping by.

      Jenny

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  35. After reading all of these horrible stories, I realized two things. A. All men seem to be assholes and B. It looks like 90% of the time, when the husband leaves, he doesn't come back. Mine packed and is staying at his mother's. He's saying a lot of the things these other women's husbands said. We have been married 7 years and you can count on one hand, with fingers to spare, how many times we have argued. We have had disagreements sure, but before he left we had a really bad argument. So it's been two weeks and he doesn't want to talk, he says he'll talk to me when he's ready, but doesn't know when that will be, I can wait or not wait and that I can do whatever I want. He started giving me things here and there like the house keys, the car keys, he would get some clothes here and there, but totally emptied my step-son's room. He's just so cold towards me and I'm just devastated. Mostly because I feel like he's just stringing me along, like I feel that there is someone he's talking to, like an emotional affair kind of thing and I just don't know what to do. I read on here how some women would try and reconcile or he would actually come to the "family" function, but he still would not go back. I just don't know how to act ... should I just end it? On the one hand I feel like I should fight for my marriage, but on the other hand it just seems like he doesn't care anymore and I question if he ever did. I want to push him to talk to me, but when he doesn't want to talk, he doesn't want to talk. Just seems so hopeless ...

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    1. Hi Tinkerbell. sorry it has taken me so long to reply.

      You are at the stage when it seems like they are all assholes...and yes, some of them are. Not all of them, though.

      I think your other stat is probably, sadly, true. 90% of the time may even be low. If they actually make a plan, and leave, chances are they are done. They are over, and out.

      I hate that you are feeling these things. Being strung along is the worst, isn't it? And when they are the ones who have decided to take off, without explanation, it's even scarier.

      Are you close to his mom at all? Any way you can call her and ask for advice? Or at least for a little insight as to why he took off?

      What's your situation? Are you in a house that you jointly own with him? Or renting? You mentioned a stepson, I assume he's gone with the man?

      Right now, I won't say to give up. Give him a little more time to come around and at least tell you what he's feeling. But if you get to Thanksgiving and he's still giving you the silent treatment, it's time to start thinking about your future. Without him.

      Please keep me updated.

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  36. Hi there! I just found this blog and it helped me so much. I was alone (Daddy has the kids), had a bad hangover and woke up in a empty house and was just so sad. I even made some strange whimpering sounds as I lay in bed and made myself get up and do something. My story is typical - had a great marriage (we even golf together!), together 16 years, 10 years married, 2 kids (5 and 8). Then about 6 months ago he said he wasn't happy, we have nothing in common (what the f!)and he wants some freedom. I suffered for months trying to figure out what was wrong with me until I found out that he was in love with a much younger women and had been having an affair for months. Now, I am stupid, I had the evidence before me (like the condoms I found weren't enough!), but I just didn't fathom that my perfect life, husband and family could fall apart. I have been at home for 9 years so no money, I have to see the Daddy all the time because he wants to active with the kids, it just sucks. There are days when I find it hard to breath. The advice about not writing/texting before you censure with your head (better done the next day) is what I have to learn. My own personal advice is too choose your friends and support carefully. I have found that some of my friends are not so true blue and they are more interested in an update every 2 weeks - yeah, and where were you the last 14 days when I felt like jumping off the balcony? I have about so many similar experiences that I know I am not alone. I admire all you ladies for managing and doing it in style. DOES IT EVER GET BETTER?

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    1. Oh dear. I'm so sorry. You are not the first one to want to ignore the evidence, and you won't be the last.

      Where are you now, in terms of your marriage? Has he asked for a divorce, or will he talk to you about it yet? Is he living with the other woman?

      Does it get better? Yes and no. It hurts less as time goes by. But I just sat in a courtroom with my ex yesterday and I'll tell you...there was still hurt. Not as bad as it once was, but there was still a little there.

      I hear you on the friends thing. You're still in the early stages of this...most of your friends will stick around but there are a few who will be gone. Good riddance, I say. If they can't be there for you now, do you really want them there at all?

      Please keep me updated! I hope you're doing ok.

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  37. Wow.. I thought I was going absolutely crazy until I read this.... 25 married eight years 3 baby boys 4,3,2... decided to leave bc "we've lost each other" I'll admit I had become distant but after the emotional/physical abuse I'm sure anyone would be. Its been a month and a half. A week ago he agreed to work on things but wanted to go slow. I agreed as long as it was him and I and no-one else involved. Things were good first few times we saw each other, until the weekend came. He told me he was going to bed I called at about 120am and phone was off... got a text an hr later asking what the point of calling was if he said he was going to bed. I feel used... seems like staying where he is staying and seeing him once a week is allowing him to still act single but see me and our children when he feels like it.. I feel by speaking up I've now pushed him away but I couldn't stay feeling used or like my life's a game. He won't let me pick him up from work or go directly to where he stays. Like I'm a secret that's terrible... I'm his wife of 8yrs I've been thru a lot. I've never worked and now holidays are coming. My oldest son is so excited to be turning 5 in 3 weeks. I dread it. He only gives me $ for the rent. I have child support papers I keep looking at.. I'm scared if I do it it'll give him another reason not come back.. even though I've already lost him... I feel like no-one will ever love me again. Nothing will ever b goodd enough.. esp. Having three children... I am really down right now and feel as though the one person who should b there has turned his back. I've never done that to him. He knows I'd always take him back... what an idiot I am...

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    1. Ugh. Janelle, I'm so sorry. But let me get this straight..he physically abused you? And then left you alone with three little boys? Get those child support papers filed, NOW. Right now you are in that awful fog, we are all in it when this first happens. But you need to start covering your butt, and your kids need to be supported.

      Are you close with family or friends in your town? I hope you are finding support and help.

      "Like I'm a secret that's terrible"- this breaks my heart. You are not a terrible secret, you are the mother of his kids. Please don't let this man make you think any less of yourself. You are 25, my friend, in Divorced Land you are a baby.

      Right now you need to focus on the kids, and figure out how you're going to keep them, and YOU, alive and well from now on. Please consult a good family law attorney. If you can't afford one, please Google "women's crisis centers" or "low income legal help" with your city's name. That should give you at least a start.

      Please hang in there, and please let me know what's going on. I apologize for the long delay in replying.

      YOU ARE NOT AN IDIOT. Okay? Keep repeating that to yourself.

      Jenny

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  38. My husband left me last night. We have been arguing a lot. Mainly over him spending so much time with his friends. He told me he was helping one of them move last Thursday and didn't come home until 8:30 in the morning. Hid bank account showed he was at bars instead. I don't know if he is cheating. We have 2 boys, 10 and 6. We just got married last year after being apart the majority the last 12 years. I love him and have taken my vows seriously. He says our marriage is unhealthy and he wants to go stay with a grownd. I don't know what to do.

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    1. Oh my dear...so you've just been married a year? Where was he during the last ten years of your son's lives? Has he been a part of their lives, and has he helped you out with raising them?

      It's never, ever a good sign when they stay out all night, I'll tell you that honestly. Don't even think about the cheating aspect of it right now. Fry that fish later.

      Right now you have to start thinking of what will happen to you if he leaves. And if he's telling you that he thinks your marriage is "unhealthy" that means he's already deciding things. They leave you mentally, before they leave you physically.

      Do you have family or friends where you are? This is the time to lean on them and get all the help and support you can. If I were you I'd open up my own checking/savings account and start getting some money in there.

      I know you love him and you take your marriage vows seriously, but my friend..he's sending you some very clear signals.

      Please check back and let me know how you're doing.

      Jenny

      Delete
  39. I don't think it's right that you can make a commitment and then break it so easily, with few consequences. Yes, assets are split, but so much more is lost that can never be regained - youth, opportunity, etc. Where's the compensation?

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  40. Awesome post and comments. We all need to stick together! So I guess I am going to be starting a divorce process (uugh) finally, after many years of torture. I have three beautiful awesome young kids, we have been married for about 10 yrs, but quite frankly it's been on the rocks since the very beginning. (first young and foolish, then the ideal of working things out, then suckingit up for the kids) My husband I think tends to get deprssed and has anger issues, or some sort of issues (very disfunctional family) and I should have gotten the first clue when a picture fram went flying against the wall once while he was drunk! But nope, I was always saying sorry, always walking around eggshells and thinking I needed to treat him more carefully. Well ladies, I eventuLly grew a pair and started to argue back and just ignore him most of the time, so I think that's when it all went down. see I was always the one taking the first step to fixing things but at some point you realize that it's not necessarily your problem to fix. About 2 yrs ago After him coming home one day out of the blue on my birthday, insulting me and slamming doors, and ultimately making the kids cry too, I began to really, REALLY consider divorce hecause it was only getting worse. I talked to a lawyer, and even crunched numbers on those online divorce forms to know what to expect. (although I work he makes alot more than me, and has made it very clear from time to time) But I guess I still wasn't ready, and he would send flowers and oretend to want to work it out. One day, I don't even know how to explain it other than saying a girl knows, and the shit hit the fan, I caught him. He had been sexting and screwing around with a girl ( a it older. Actually) and even though he denied it I just knew. Always go with your gut! i had oticed her wierdness around me for a while, and I eventually got into emails, bank account everything. Man, the stuff I found was horrific. Felt like I was livong with a complete stranger, never imagined he was capable of trashing me the way he did, talking to other women tring to et them to have sex etc. i even posed as him on his phone when he wasnt't looking, just to re confirm when he would invent excuses, and sorry, but when another chick says " did you use me as a fuck?" um, there is no way of getting outta that one! However, I think I panicked, had a nervous breakdown, and got scared, and took im back. He quit drinking, agreed to go to therapy(which he did, three times, that was it) and for a short while, it was pretty awesome like we were dating again. But the honeymoon phase died, it always does, and here I am again, found out he is apparently planning to leave (secretly I can't wait) and he is beginning to be nasty and act all deprssed and miserable again. And I ink I've deided not to wait like I did last time, and get hurt all over. so I have madr an app. With the lawyer again, and come to terms with the fact that I might have to leave our home and get a smaller place, I might have to struggle a bit financially at least until Things are official, and it might be a long hard road. ut I truly think, like many of you out there, that I have it many tries, and now it's time to move on and behappy. I'm a pretty decent looking girl if I do say so myself and I 'll be damned if Im going to live the rest of my life with a man who looks at everyone but me, and who I can't even have a normal conversation with. i just wish, that I could keep the kids in their home that they, we, love at least until they get older :( but I guess we can't have everything. It's so helpful to read everyone's stories, we are definately not alone. Ceers and happy new year

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  41. SO he left this morning. We have been married 9 1/2 years and have a 23 month old daughter. We have been having a rough time relationship wise since my daughter was born. I got filled with a lot of resentment about the lack of actual time he spent in doing the day to day baby/kid stuff, my mom spent a lot of time in the hospital and died last March, and I am a full time graduate student with a crappy part time job that is...get this...in the same place that soon-to-be-ex works, as well as the woman I discovered last night that he has developed an emotional relationship with and swore up and down that he was not doing (in the process making me feel horrible for even thinking it). She is married and has a daughter that used to hang out with our daughter. I have even gone out on the town with her. We have been distant for a while, but I honestly thought that once our daughter was a a little older and my school schedule calmed down that we would re-ignite the passion and fun we used to share. He even had mentioned we should start going to counseling together. I am tortured today by the "What ifs?" If I hadn't confronted him about the truth last night, would we have tried to work it out? He came to pick up clothes and see the daughter this morning (which was a mistake on my part...I was not ready for that), and watching him walk out the door of our messy house to his new car was literally breath-takingly painful. He says he is going to support us financially...not sure if I should believe that or not. I don't know if I can go back to work with them both there, and people knowing what is going on. I don't know if I can finish school because my dissertation is tied to him. I feel absolutely terrified. I love your post and it made me smile and try to hold my chin up and cuddle my daughter closer, but I am still on the roller coaster and know that this is just DAY ONE. :( I loved him even though we were having problems. He says that we are "leaving each other." It is very helpful to read the other stories and I hope that we all find peace and happiness and love.

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  42. My husband got saved 7?3/11. We got married 1/27/12. He became dad my 6 year old autistic son He is a Christian Sings praise & worship at the top of his lungs, wrote beautiful spiritual poetry. Held Bible study at work. We were happy as far as I knew. We had some financial struggles & custody issues w/ his son but nothing bad between us Dec 21st my son became deathly ill & had to be transported by ambulance to a children s hospital 2hrs away. My husband kissed me good bye gv me long hug, said he loved me & would see me the next day & never showed up. He had written me a love poem the day b4 all this We spent xmas alone 10 days there alone. was told son may die. he nvr came,He text me maybe 3 times in 10 days. Told me he was suicidal & that he wasn't happy he did not want to be in our home, in this state or city. He said he was going to see a doctor. He comes on dec 31st to bring us home. We made love that night& next but he would not really talk at all. It was uncomfortable as I was upset that he abandoned us w/no explanation.He goes to his doctors appointment on the Mon after New Years & has not been back since. He said he loves me & did not get married to get a divorce but he will not move home. We are Christians. I told him I would do whatever it took to help him get well but I will NOT assist him in establishing a separate home as the Bible does NOT condone a man leaving his wife & separation serves only to separate them. I am confused & I went through the anger, the hurt, but now I am just calm & my give a damn is about broke. I stood by this man when we dated when he cheated. Then I stood by him again when he had financial issues. I stood by once before when he left our home because he said God didn't like us shacking up. He then came & went when he felt like it sometimes going days with no communication. I REFUSE to allow this. I am his WIFE not an optional toy. He left only w/the clothes on his back & in this state the minute he left he lost right of reentry so I am standing my ground. He has not been allowed to come get another thing. I told him I will NOT disassemble our home bc he wants a vacation from his marriage. I told him I will go to counseling w/ a CHRISTIAN counselor but if he thinks he will drag me to a secular counselor & they will convince me to go against God & HELP him live in sin he will be waiting til his last breathe. I think at first he thought I would just forgive & put up w/ his crap & be the good christian hv always been submissive & forgiving but this time I will forgive but I will NOT assist. I have stopped answering his hows the weather text messages & anything that is random. told him HE chose to leave so until he has something to say relevant to reconciliation that we have nothing to discuss. He left us with no car, bills & he thinks I should feel bad that he has no furniture or clothes? Umm I don't think so. I am closing a loan on an suv on Monday. I hva good job making 23.00 an hr I took 3 days ago & I told him he will NOT keep me in an emotional noose while he trys to decide whether he loves me or wants this marriage. Our marriage vows did not come with an option to figure out whether you wanted to be in the marriage or not. The day I said I do I vowed to be there no mater what. He trys to engage in small talk I told him I will discuss nothing HE made the bed lay in it. I told him I love him & I am committed to my vows & if he decides to honor his to let me know but if he picks up the phone one day & its no longer my number or drives by the house & its empty just know that when I LEAVE it isn't to figure things out Its because I have already moved on. He said, " can I come get my stuff?" I said no I will sale it all & if you decide to divorce me you can ask for half the depreciated value of what was yours before the marriage in court & I will be more than happy to write you a check. Do you think I am being too mean?

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    1. Absolutely not mean at all!

      Delete
    2. "Our marriage vows did not come with an option to figure out whether you wanted to be in the marriage or not." Amen.

      When I first started reading your comment, I thought, "Oh well...here we have another one who is going to blindly put her marriage in the hands of her faith..." but whoa, lady.

      You are not doing anything blindly, are you? I am so proud of you. You're sticking to your faith, and also, your big guns. THIS is what needs to happen more often when husbands walk away. I was not like this...I was weak and bent over backwards to appease my wayward hubby. I acquiesced instead of standing strong. My strength came way later than this.

      Mean? You are not being mean. Mean is someone who leaves you alone in a hospital room with a kid who may or may not be dying. Mean is going out for a doctor appointment and not coming back. Mean is leaving your wife and then sending a text asking about the weather.

      What you are doing is called surviving. And that, my dear, is never "mean".

      I love your moxie and your strength and your beautiful character. You are going to be okay, friend. After reading what you wrote here, I'm actually feeling a little sorry for that man who done you wrong. He's really missing out on being with an extraordinary woman.

      Stay strong, sister!

      Delete
  43. Dear Happy Haus Frau: I laughed my a$$ off at your article! Such a breath of fresh air and dose of reality. My husband walked out on me 3 days ago. Packed his stuff while I was at work and left me a note. Not sure if there is another woman at this point but I DO know that he has been depressed for years. He told me not to contact him and to give him a week but I sent him an email basically telling him that I was happy that he was finally facing his depression and his demons and doing something about it...even if was at my expense. I can't help but be supportive because I sat and watched him deteriorate with depression for so many years. He wouldn't talk to me about anything other than surface stuff and he wouldn't go get help so I had to just wait for the bomb to drop. So I am actually relieved that he left to get himself straight. Even if there is another woman, if she can help him then I am all for it. You see, if you actually love someone, you want what is best for them even if that means letting them go. So many people equate love with possession. I read the stories of these women begging their men to come back but there is NO WAY that I am going to do that. Our poor society of women have lost their self strength! It's fine to take them back in time but to beg them back? No way. No man that truly loves and cares about you or has your best interest at heart would desert you like this, my hubby included. I refuse to beg and guilt someone into being with me. He has to be here because he wants to be. I won't hear from him for a while but in the mean time I am keeping busy and going through all the normal emotions of one suffering from acute trauma and loss. Writing helps and I am writing a journal on how I survived the first 72 hours. Writing really helps and I encourage all women to do that so that they don't carry it around inside of them. Your article is awesome! Great advice. Of course every marriage and situation is different but squelching that knee-jerk reaction to freak the hell out is really important. In my case, being supportive is the right thing to do despite the shitty way that he left. Showing your man that you are strong is not what he expects you to do but it is exactly what you should do. Breathe. Take a day or 2 to freak out and run through the all the bazillions of emotions. Write them all out so that they make sense. Then relax. Put on your big girl panties and get down to the business of securing your future. Claim your power. Don't let him have it. My best to all of you. <3

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  44. Hi, My husband of nearlly 14 years and been with for nearlly 18 years has decided to tell me that he is not happy and he is leaving! I have been with him from the age of 17 and when I heard him say those words my world has come crashing down! it has been nearlly 3 weeks since my Doomed day and he hasnt still left. He has his moments of kindness and then moments of hate towards me.. he is confusing me everyday, and has not once reassusred me of anything. I want to know where mine and my little boys life is meant to head, if he truely doesnt love me why is he still there.. is he just trying to make me suffer? I dont want to kick him out because I still love him...but now resentment is starting to build...What should I do?

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    1. Dear Anonymous (March 14 2013), my own situation sounds a lot like yours. It was meant to be our 25th wedding anniversary this year as we have been together since were were 17, but lo and behold, he has announced that he is leaving me and our children.

      He did this 2.5 years ago when he had a 'mid-life'crisis and stayed away dating other women - and I only found out on Christmas Day that he had been shacked up with one particular woman for several months - all-the-while I was pining for him - believing that he was genuinely just needing his own space for a while - which is what he told me.
      When I took him back after 1 year, he admitted to having had a mid-life-crisis and said that he had had time to think things over and wanted to come back to me and our kids and start a-fresh. Although I had to take a huge gulp to overcome my pride, I decided that maybe he deserved a second chance, and I took him back. We moved house, reduced our mortgage... in short, everything that he said had previously made him unhappy, we changed. Now, 3 weeks ago, he told me that he did not think we are getting along afterall, and he is filing for a divorce.

      I am normally a confident, happy woman, but to say that I have been floored, is an understatement. He has already been to the bank to arrange to increase the mortgage so he can buy me out. I sleep alone in our double bed. He occasionally hugs me when I cry (which I'm doing a lot of), but then says he's only being 'kind' to me and pities me and that I shouldn't read anything more into a hand-hold, a kiss on the head or a hug. He sends such confusing messages, and just when I think that maybe there's a glimmer of hope that he's having a change of mind, he turns the tables again.
      In his professional life, he is well-respected, he has a Phd, everyone thinks the sun shines on him, yet in his private life, he is so cruel to me.
      I waver between determined anger and melted ice-cream. I guess that's part of the roller-coaster of emotions you have to get through. I am stronger (a little anyway), than the last time he left - I don't accuse myself this time of not being good enough, or not trying hard enough, or being too fat as I emotionally beat myself up last time. This time, although I am undeniably upset (and who wouldn't be, let's face it, I do feel I learned lessons from last time, and also from great blog sites like this one.

      I really wish that we could all keep corresponding for the next 5 years to see how our lives turn out - hopefully we will become empowered, happy women. I too, belived in my Christian marriage vows - but I think there comes a time when God would not enjoy seeing us cry our eyes out every day - such a waste of time when we could actively be putting that time towards helping others and living our lives in a positive Christian manner.

      Sending you all a big, wrap-around hug (and please send me one back ;-)

      Delete
  45. Just adding my story to the many. Together 10 years, a few disagreements, but we were the relationship everyone wanted. Loving, respectful, supportive. Got married 5 months ago, and he left me 2 days ago. Looked me in the eyes and told me that he didn't love me anymore. Out of the blue. I'm devestated and just not sure where to go from here. I've had bad relationships in the past and was convinced I had finally found the one who would love me no matter what, as I love him. I just don't understand how someone can just walk away from a good life, built together. Thanks for posting this blog, I don't take comfort in that so many have been through this betrayal, but the advice is some that I'll carry with me as I try to deal.

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  46. Here is a story over the long term. Now-X moved out and left me w/14-month-old baby. Of course, it was the cliched younger women. I mean absurdly younger. I was devastated. We had been married 15 years at the time.

    I didn't date for 3 years. I just hoped he would come home. He didn't.

    FF 6 years: X's dream girl dumped him when he developed a serious medical problem. Then he met someone new, and that woman died. Not before he dumped her, when she was in the last months of life, adding to her pain and suffering. What a prince.

    I talk to him as little as possible. He is clueless with regards to our son and how our son needs him. At this point I think he has few friends and I don't really care. Sometimes I feel sorry for him. But I have honestly mostly forgotten about him, most of the time. It's like he doesn't really exist any more.

    Anyway, I am engaged to a wonderful new guy who is respectful and kind and sexually gifted. ;) I have had many positive and happy things happen since X left and now see him, as the song says, as someone that I used to know. If it weren't for our son I wouldn't think about X at all.

    My advice might seem off, but it is to do your best to save your marriage. You won't regret trying and regardless of what happens, you will know you did your very best. In the meantime, spend time on yourself. I devoted myself to me and to my daughter. It was a positive and happy time and when I met the guy I'm with now, I was in a good place and was thinking about new adventures for myself.

    I'm not going to say that it's been dreamy but in retrospect, he did me a favor. I am freed from his perpetual criticism and that's worth a lot to me. More than I knew at the time.

    Give yourself time to heal, and be positive. My heart goes out to those of your hurting but you can do this.

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  47. Hello,my husband of 15 years is going bonkers,he's fairly emotionaly shut down and was recently diagnosed with depression, i always stood strong for him in what he wanted to do.About a year ago he told me that the only thing that was keeping him going was our little girl and that if he wasn't for her he basically would not be with me (because of a lack of sex apparently,thanks love for telling me your concerns, never mind the lack of love and attention i do not receive to give me confidence to have sex and to reach for you).So here i am, dutifull wife trying to help him in his emotional map and having it backfiring at me.After many hurts (his porn addiction, me being inexistant to him for my needs of love and wants which he sees as arguments)I've decided to take the back sit and let him find himself (so hello loneliness). He told me last week end that he wanted to split up because he is not the man I want (I had told him how lonely and vulnerable I felt because of our problems and that's how women have affairs, he's telling me i'm mad and that other women basically do not have the same needs). Go figure, not because of a lack from my part of wanting to make things work, that's for sure. He hasn't left yet and still make plans for the future. I am in limbo and in the dilemna of shall i let him go or shall i still fight?each time I seem to get hurt though,I feel i am giving up, any advice?

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  48. Experiencing the divorce diet now. Gone down 3 sizes since I found out my a-hole's big news in late Feb. I'm feeling better about myself now...not so great about my pig of a husband though. I am looking forward to the after divorce sex, once my divorce becomes final of course. I'm a moral person and cringe to think about doing the deed while I'm still married. Something that never bothered my husband unfortunately. http://dowehavetotellthekids.blogspot.com/

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  49. That old saying, you can't control what happens around you but you can control yourself...ya, know it all too well.

    Been with my husband 10 years. 9 years ago I saved his life, he would be 6 feet under if not for me. Got married 5 years ago, and recently found out he had a secret family with a crack whore (4 kids, ages new born to 7, whom all have been placed in custody and adopted out) We do have kids together also.

    Woke up one night at 3 am last month to find him in the basement, naked, with some other crack whore hiding in the corner. How can any woman come into another woman's house, in the middle of the night while your sleeping to have sex with your husband? And seriously, its all his fault, because he is the one who sneaked the woman into your home.

    I have no idea why he has done the bs he has, and quite honestly, I can't waste my time worrying about it. I don't drink, I don't do drugs, I'm responsible, educated, work, reliable, and I know I am beautiful. So as for his actions, I have no understanding why. Neither does any of his family. They all try to use excuses that his brain is dying from when he collapsed 9 years ago. He did die 3 times on the helicopter, but, save the excuses. His brain was working just fine to know he was cheating with these whores.

    He tried to constantly use the head game, "I haven't done nothing," thinking if he said it enough, may be I'd believe it. Then he tried to say, "the only thing I have done was have kids with someone" Ok, so that's not a bad thing right?! He honestly thinks he's done nothing wrong by having a secret family because he knew her apparently before he knew me...So, I've known a lot of men before you, should I have kids with them??!! wow!! After all this came to light, I searched his phones and the amount of pictures of women who I never seen before, the 1000's of text messages etc was unreal.

    i just know, save yourself the time and aggravation and don't even bother searching anything. It really doesn't help with anything. Make your choices either dump him or live with it. I'm choosing to dump him, and quite honestly, its his loss. Some other man will someday benefit from his loss. I know I'm worth it, and I know I'm a good person. These two women (crack whores, and yes they are. I found out they both were in rehab several, several times, And no, he does not do drugs at all, that much I do know. ) they both knew I was his wife. Real nice.

    I know if a man was married, NEVER would I have anything to do with him. This has been an experience that I would never wish on any woman. I have had so many feelings of hurt, anger, frustration, sadness...you know, the list goes on and on. Everyday I try to deal with it, but quite honestly, I don't think I will ever have the answers to satisfy my mind as to why he has done all this. I think the thing that upsets me the most is the fact that I dedicated 10 years of my life to a man who cheated, lied, sneaked and deceived. All I can say now, is I believe I know every game in the book, and will know what to watch for in the future.

    Thanks to everyone who put in their stories. Nice to know I'm not alone.

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  50. I read this and thought wow, I hope she is right, My husband and I have been on the outs for months now and he is finding every little thing to complain about... making me and my son miserable! Well now he is threaten to leave even went as far as packing and putting things in his car to take with him.. and at this point in my life I feel he should and when I seen him putting his things in the car I felt like this little world of mine is about to go down around me and I dont know how to get myself out of it... not to mention ive been a stay at home mom since we had our son and now I am really lost and dont know what I am going to do... I know in my mind its probably for the best and even my heart doesnt feel the same and yet I am scared out of my mind..I read this blog and I pray that what you that it gets better is real and true, because he is throwing all kind of things my way and I cant keep my thoughts straight, one min I hate him the next I dont want him the next he needs to stay the next he needs to go... oh if you only knew what I have gone through over the last 13 yrs you would like so many tell me I am better off but it doesnt mean that I am not scared out of my mind on what he will do will he try to take my son away, ( even though I am the one who has provided for him his whole 10 yrs of life so far) what is he going to do when we go to court is he cheating is he sneaking around drinking again... what did I do wrong what do I do from here how in the hell do I pull myself together from here? I cant wait to read the rest of your blog it just may be what I need to help me get through this!!

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  51. My husband recently walked out. 2weeks f a day in a half came back . And d he cheated on me. Then a week later he beat me and was arrested. When he got out he took my truck.and took of And is with her now. It feels like 3 years.didn't mean anything. His son still talks with me. He told me he wanted to warn me about his Dad... This article helped some..

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  52. I have been married 24 years and with my husband for 26 years. We are both 48 yrs old and have 2 kids. We were best friends and had a very mutual physical and satisfying life together. Then I noticed the secretiveness with the mobile phone and found the texts, from his 28 yr old co worker. I am devastated. He moved out 5 weeks ago to a mates place but has admitted to me he is staying at her place 4 nights out of 7. She is a single mother with 3 yr old. I cannot eat or sleep. I am on meds and having counselling but I feel like I am shattered. I cannot believe that this has happened. I try every day to hold it together for my kids and go to work but how do I keep this up when I just want to fall apart? How do you stop hurting?

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    1. Ahhh..the 28 year old coworker. I feel your pain, sister.

      You have to hold it together. Like you said, "for my kids". There are times you CAN fall apart, and you need to get some of that crazy out, so figure out when it's okay to let yourself lose it. The shower is great for crying. I used to cry in the car!

      Has he seen the kids? Explained himself to them?

      Are you outside of the US? I don't know what divorce laws are like outside of my own country. I urge you to seek out legal help IMMEDIATELY. Like, NOW. You've been married 24 years...that's a long time. You, and your kids, are entitled to help and support.

      I apologize for the delay in my response. Please keep me updated. And hugs to you. It will be okay.

      Jenny

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  53. WE live in different towns and see each other at weekends but my husband of 2 years (together 12) walked out 3 weeks ago after a row, went back to his own place and Ive not heard from him since.He is 10 years younger than me -Im 50. I suppose thats relevant now. I never thought so before. All texts, emails are not replied to and calls are switched off. Obviously hes left me as I know that men will always contact a woman if they want her-but the not communicating hurts the most and I feel prolongs the pain and is cowardly. Hes no doubt met someone else and cant face me to tell me but he should face me and tell me or at least a long email or something to put me out of my misery. What will end up happening to a man like that?

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  54. Hello. I've been married for 27 years our anniversary was actually on the 19th of July.when I went to visit my mother for whatever reason my husband flipped out and he's stating that I abandoned him he has to iron his own clothes he has to cook you some food now the house is a mess. By the way I've been visiting my mother now for a month and a half I hadn't seen my mother in five years everytime I say I want to visit her call her she freaks out so finally I have become very ill in my my mothers getting old and I said you know why I want to visit her she paid for tickets for me and my girls to come visit her and she's going to pay for our tickets to go back home. he has called every day telling me how he's going to grind me to dust and he doesn't love me. at first I thought this was some kind of weird game to try to get me to come home he can be mentally abusive we have 4 children our oldest is 25, 22, 15, & 10. I just can't believe how he talks to me in front of my family in the call every day and then some days to call any acts like nothings wrong everythings great he loves me he is looking forward to coming home I just I don't know what to do I did open a bank account and move the money over and ohmygod did he flip out when he found out that done that and now we're back to I hate you in he's leaving me and he's going to sell all my jewelry while I'm gone I don't know what to do I mean I don't want to go home I don't want to live in that situation anymore but I'm busy eating my mother on my house is there my clothes off their birth certificates photos everything. I think he must be seeing an attorney because now he sings stuff like I abandoned the house I abandoned him. I did not abandon him I did not abandon my house the new I was going to visit my mother the dates are circled on the calendar when I'll be home he knew that my family is all getting older my mother is the baby of seven children and when her mother became pregnant with her she thought she was middle possible me my oh my uncles are in thier late 70s. I know I'm rambling I'm very sorry its just I don't have anyone to talk to I have my 15 year old daughter my 10 year old daughter with me my 15 year old sister really want to live a life like this it's like this every day when we're back home I just don't know what to do thank you for listening

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  55. Hi there just found this by accident.im going through the shittiest time at the moment.my husband left me back in april.told me rhere wasnt anyone else and then found out he was seeing some one when we were still togther since january and they got it on in my kitchen when i was chatting in the front room with her boyfriend.we ha 3 children togther and he has been pickin me up and dropping me for months and now decided he wants to be with her .i feel like im loosing the will to live

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    1. I am losing the will to live too. I am so sad.

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  56. I am adding my tears to this thread as well. I ahve been trying to keep this marriage together for so long. I have been to innumerable councilling sessions to strengthen ME and prepare for not IF but WHEN this marriage breaks up. Still, it does not help.
    We have a 3 year old son, have been married 5 years. It is my second marriage, so it seems really tough to fail again. I do not think it is just me, I just hurt. I am so isolated, so alone. I have teen age daughters from my first marriage. Not a good time to have this divorce. I regret nearly everything in my life. I am so sad. Nothing makes me feel better.

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    1. LISA! I'm going to give you some tough love here, friend. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Please, get on Google, find a support group or women's crisis center or church or synagogue or therapist...you will make it through this, okay? I PROMISE.

      Right now you need to have someone to talk to. Do you have any girlfriends? Relatives? You need to not be so alone. This is when you are going to have to force yourself out of that sad hole you're in and get some help.

      You're seeing a counselor? GOOD. Can't he/she get you something to help you through this? Right now is when you need to focus on keeping yourself afloat. Your son needs this. Your teenage daughters need this. YOU NEED THIS.

      Please, please don't give up. I've been right where you are and I know it's scary and so, so mother effing sad. But it will get better. I know it will.

      Love

      Jenny

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  57. last night he pulled me close to him, made love to me and afterward i gazed at him, but , he turned away and i felt ice flow out of him..he said he was leaving, and a piece of me died...I cant stop crying, i cant eat, i havent sslept and i cant stop crying.. i asked him to look me in my eyes and tell me he feels no hope to recover or fix whatever is broken between us...he said nothing..he packed a bag and he left..i cant stop crying..
    Married 16yrs, 6 kids, I never imagined life without him, in the highs and low-lows, NEVER without him...but i know and believe, without a doubt, without hope, the fight is over...i cant stop crying..CAUSE even right now, I STILL HAVE HOPE....but i cant stop crying..
    i feel the pain of every comment and i am sooo grateful i found u, every comment has encouraged me...but this hurts so much, i am mourning and i feel sick..happy, your original post is of a mamabear saying this is whats gonna happen but you can and you will get thru this...thank you

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    1. Hi ladies, ok its been a lil bit since that original post. Here is my update. Yes, there was another woman, his co-worker(ugh) -making restoration all but impossible, knowing there is no way to stop seeing a coworker. Second stage of this, my youngest 3 kids have been told of the separation. ages(11,11 & 15). i keep a very open line of communication for kids. PRAY FOR US. and we are getting on with life. I gave kids this mantra to hold on to (Daddy made a bad decision that has changed our family. But he's my father and I will always love him.) period. I explained the biggest change they have now is that he and i wont share the same house but we both love them very much. for now, they accept that. As for me, i have a most bizarre calm. i must say it has to be God's precious holy spirit. If i have to beg, coax, reason with or guilt my husband into coming home then i dont want him back. Life goes on..i will not fall apart..my kids need me and LIFE IS GOOD. ha ha. ladies everything happens for a reason, tell your emotions to move over, you have some planning to do. set a goal. stay focused and move forward. life goes on.
      I mean that with much much love. I love my husband but i wont grovel on the ground for him to love me back. Merry Christmas everybody.

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  58. Thanks for this. I am well supported by family and friends but feel ridiculously alone at 45 after 9 years of knowing a man who has become a complete mystery to me in his behavior and character. (Oh, and the blind toothless cat he adopted a few months back is adding to my comfort...please read wild sarcasm here) My situation is only about 8 weeks old now but I knew what was happening months ago...denial ,that long, freaking river! I am still trying to get past the crying jags that creep up from time to time tonight being one of those times. Sex, well that will be another thing because I wouldn't touch the man who left me again unless it was with my shoe in a repeated banging motion.Exercise helps, losing 20 pounds has helped, work helps, family and friends help, Xanax isn't bad either for the occasional anxiety trip. Your post has helped. I appreciate that others are going through this same unique little slice of hell and that there is hope for light at the end of the tunnel. My sister sent me a ring with Proverbs 31:25 inscribed in it, "She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future." I try to repeat it to myself everyday. It helps to remind me of the stock from which I come and that harder things than this have been overcome. It just takes time and blissful caution as to how you will proceed in overcoming it!

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    1. I think what you said here: "feel ridiculously alone...after 9 years of knowing a man who has become a complete mystery to me in his behavior and character" is where most of us find ourselves at first.

      This is what they do to you when they play mind games and cheat and leave: THEY DESTROY YOUR TRUST. And what's really sad is, it's not just your trust in them. Or men. It's your trust in everything. Because, if the man you've been sleeping next to for a decade (or longer) isn't the man he pretended to be, who else is pretending? Of all the people in your life, there are a select few you think you can trust. And husbands are in that little group, right?

      You are in the beginning stages, friend, and they are the worst. You will get through this.

      About the sex: YES. Avoid it. Stay strong there. Xanax does help, but keep that one for emergencies only. You are going to need to be clear and focused over the next several months.

      Your sister is a kind and smart woman. You are, indeed, clothed with strength and dignity. We all are, and we all need to be reminded of that every freaking day.

      Strong and dignified. The laughing part takes time, dear, but you will get there.

      Please keep in touch.

      Delete
    2. I think what you said here: "feel ridiculously alone...after 9 years of knowing a man who has become a complete mystery to me in his behavior and character" is where most of us find ourselves at first.

      This is what they do to you when they play mind games and cheat and leave: THEY DESTROY YOUR TRUST. And what's really sad is, it's not just your trust in them. Or men. It's your trust in everything. Because, if the man you've been sleeping next to for a decade (or longer) isn't the man he pretended to be, who else is pretending? Of all the people in your life, there are a select few you think you can trust. And husbands are in that little group, right?

      You are in the beginning stages, friend, and they are the worst. You will get through this.

      About the sex: YES. Avoid it. Stay strong there. Xanax does help, but keep that one for emergencies only. You are going to need to be clear and focused over the next several months.

      Your sister is a kind and smart woman. You are, indeed, clothed with strength and dignity. We all are, and we all need to be reminded of that every freaking day.

      Strong and dignified. The laughing part takes time, dear, but you will get there.

      Please keep in touch.

      Delete
  59. As long as you're not having sex with anyone else's husband........Anyway, thank you all for reinforcing my #1 rule for a man, which is that he cannot ever have been divorced, period, and if he had kids, he probably wasn't interested in them and that's why the marriage failed. People say kids don't cause divorces? Bullhockey. THEY DO. And if a divorce was the kids' fault, trust me - THEY KNOW IT.

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  60. My husband left me an said he was not happy,i went to him we sat down and we got back together,wnt back to my place then a weekend next he was all quite when I asked him what the issue is he said we cant be togethet I must move on or waite for him.the issue we have is that he is unemployed but he is a hard worker because he's in a music industry however we were happy even thou he was unemployed or though we were happy.i always check his whatsup and he's always online and I stalk him I don't know what to do.i work but the money I earn is not enough to pay rent,food,kids and helper.

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  61. How do I make my heart listen to my head?? He left for someone new, younger prettier ect ect...... He has not been a very good husband or dad and he begged me to stay, I was blind sided. I know in my head all the reasons this is a good thing but my heart is holding on for dear life. How do I make them get in the same page?!?

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  62. Hi all recently become part of this club unfortunately, I'm 32 and had been together 13 years, married 11. Found out I was pregnant with my first child and was naturally excited, although hubby was not keen, he had said he wanted kids but not yet. Anyway he thought it would be best if I had an abortion as we (he) were not ready. Then conceded and said it would be okay and even seemed slightly excited for a couple of days. Then 2 weeks later he tells me he doesn't love me any more and want to leave. Needless to say at this point i chucked him out, as I did not want him sticking around if he didn't love me. This was about 8 weeks ago and I am a wreak, I still love him and am finding it exceptional difficult. Sometimes I think I'm okay and can cope and think of all the horrible things he has done in the past, but all I want is him back, although I know this would not be in my or my babies best interest. I know from past experience with things he has done that time is a great healer, but I was just beginning to feel settled when all this happened, now again I am a complete mess.

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  63. I cannot believe how many women are going through this! How do these men live with themselves? Why are there so many if them? I'm just sick about it. All these women and all these children being hurt and scarred like this and these men.....these sick, selfish, sadistic men.....ugh. I, too, have been through this. She WAS MY FRIEND! It has been 3 years now. Sadly, I still hurt and I am very bitter. Although the pain is considerably less, I just wanted you ladies to know, I was there too, and it DOES get better. I thought I would die, had no idea what I was going to do, endless crying and fear and weight loss and very bad thoughts going through my head....but somehow.....I made it. I am still in therapy and so are my children, but hey, at least I no longer feel that hopelessness anymore. It's hard as hell.....but I promise you, it does get better and it will get easier. Not as fast as you want it to, but in time. Please take care of yourselves and your sweet children if you have any....as much as you hurt, so do they....they don't understand either and they need you so much. Much love to all of you....God Bless.

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  64. What happens when you are not ok?
    What happens when you lose everything, even your only child and you have PTSD and live on one room with your mother?
    What happens then?
    Now what, when your phone literally never rings, you have no life or love and you are literally terrified?

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  65. This is very helpful. Its nice to know you are not alone, however nothing can fix this pain. I've heard time heals all, but I'm currently in hell. I've been married a year and a half to the man I've been with since I was 15 years old. I'm 21 , he's 20, and we have a two year old. We have everything. I'm a stay at home Mom with a great life. Everyone used to think we were perfect , especially at such a young age to be so successful. However recently my husbands been putting me through shit I cannot handle. I am almost certain he has a mental illness. He's so cold, cruel, and up and down. He is also a very socially detached person, but I've always accepted that. But a couple days ago he slept with one of the biggest sluts I knowM didn't come home, and sent the cruelest texts crushing me and my spirit. Alsosaying we were over. This is the third time he has done this. This has been the worse. On top of constant images of himm with HER I also got harrasing texts from her. Telling me to find a man that wants me. To get a job because I'm 'lazy' (stay at home moms know this isn't true) and that she slept with him just because she wanted to cause some chaos in my life. I barey knew her, just an aquaintance from high school years ago. She also let me know they didn't use a condom and told me to ebjoy. It just makes me so sick. I've been pukings tomach acid for three days now. And he's back. I've been waiting on him hand and foot and sweet as pie and very understanding but every few hours he goes from insanely happy to wanting to leave. It just makes no sence because we truely have had the perfect relationship exempt from fighting. But lately its been constant turmoil because he can't make up his mind. Also he has started using some drugs. I'm just lost I know god doesn't want me to give up on my marriage plus I really am madly in love with him despite the fact I do believe he is pure evil. I jsut don't know where to go from here or how to conduct myself

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  66. Thank you for the wonderful post. I am adding my pain here as well. I know my husband for 13 years and we've been married for 6 years. I will not give too much details, but will just say that somehow relationship were not good over the past two years, arguments, everything I am doing is wrong.. I don"t cook properly, don't clean as he would like bla-bla-bla. All of a sudden I was not a good wife at all, everything was not to his liking. I am just turning 30 and we don't have any kids.. Last week, had another argument and he hit me for the first time, after that two days later hit me again and again.. I called police and they took him out of the place.. But guess what, he wants to keep all the money and he is not even sorry for what he did. Keeps saying that he didn't hit me, and I am just creating stories to keep all the money (trust me that is not the case). I am hurt so much, that I don't know what to do with myself.. One thing I know for sure, I am leaving him. I would forgive him even if he would at least say sorry. We must have another women, he must, otherwise why would he do this? In his emails all he talks about is money.. God help me get away from this man and just be happy.

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  67. My husband of 4 years moved out recently...said"your life would be better if i were gone". No goodbye...no explanation..just left. I know heartache, my sons father committed suicide when my son was a baby. I don't believe he has a gf...but Hell i didn't know he was planning on moving out. Is it normal for them to just up and leave??..Im sure there were signs it was coming. But with the holidays i didn't see it. I guess not being 'intimate' for the last year or my having lost 50 lbs, or his reaction to my promotion at work should have thrown up a flag. Or two. But a 'hey babe, merry Christmas, Im moving out' was what i ended up with..the not wanting to eat, not being able to sleep, constant wondering what i did so wrong really sucks..worse is that my son, whom calls him dad, thinks he's his dad,..is dealing with it bad too..

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  68. Hi everyone, I don't feel so alone anymore now that I have read all this from all of you. Wow, so many of us, so much pain. Is it possible we all married boys instead of men? They are boys inside men's bodies. Sure looks that way to me. I am about to turn fifty five and now facing the real world without my husband of twenty three years. God it hurts real bad. I am scared, confused, sad, lonely. My husband attended his AA meetings all summer as he was in the fianal stages of gaining his lisense back after having gone without it for six years. I drove his ass around and stuck by him all this time. So he stayed in a different town within walking distance to attend several meetings to get this done fast. When it was over, I said to him that day on Sept. 23, now life can get back to normal and you come back home. Well, my husband decided not to come back. He said, I will always love you and left me. Just like that. He has continued to pay bills but how long will this last. I am home full time taking care of my ninety year old mom and hovering a bit over my oldest son who is also living with us. In 2010 my oldest was diognosed with shcizophrenia and needed our help. He is great now and is working part time. I have my son back. But now I have lost my husband and my youngest son hates him. I remember when my husband and I fell in love in 1989, I said to him, please don't hurt me and simply love me forever. How naive was I. I fell for a boy, not a man.

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  69. husband not in love with me. am i wasting my time? need advice

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  70. I am Becky by name. Greetings to every one that is reading this testimony. I have been rejected by my husband after three(3) years of marriage just because another woman had a spell on him and he left me and the kid to suffer. one day when i was reading through the web, i saw a post on how this spell caster on this address dr.okorospelltemple01@gmail.com, have help a woman to get back her husband and i gave him a reply to his address and he told me that a woman had a spell on my husband and he told me that he will help me and after 3 days that i will have my husband back. i believed him and today i am glad to let you all know that this spell caster have the power to bring lovers back. because i am now happy with my husband. Thanks for Dr. Okoro. His email: dr.okorospelltemple01@gmail.com

    Dr. OKORO NUMBER: +2348053209149

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  71. I am Becky by name. Greetings to every one that is reading this testimony. I have been rejected by my husband after three(3) years of marriage just because another woman had a spell on him and he left me and the kid to suffer. one day when i was reading through the web, i saw a post on how this spell caster on this address dr.okorospelltemple01@gmail.com, have help a woman to get back her husband and i gave him a reply to his address and he told me that a woman had a spell on my husband and he told me that he will help me and after 3 days that i will have my husband back. i believed him and today i am glad to let you all know that this spell caster have the power to bring lovers back. because i am now happy with my husband. Thanks for Dr. Okoro. His email: dr.okorospelltemple01@gmail.com

    Dr. OKORO NUMBER: +2348053209149

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  72. Thank you to the Spirits for getting me my man back. Thank you Dr. Lee for taking the time to do the spell for bringing my man back to me. I went to 3 different spell casters, but only you got the job done. I really wasn’t sure anymore if spells were real, but now I know they are. Like I said before I appreciate all your time, effort, and energy you put during the spell cast. He is more open and he admitted he loves me and really wants to try a relationship with me again. After 2 months of separation. We are now back together, and he plans to move in when his lease is up. THANK YOU DR. LEE.... Get to know about his work via Ancientfathersandmothers@gmail.com

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  73. What about changing the locks...getting a restraining order, filing abandonment and child support right away? My girlfriend's husband is abusive....I would be afraid that he'd even go in during the night and harm her....can she get an emergency restraining order and how?

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  74. Thank you for your post.
    I am sitting at my office desk at 6:30 in the morning, having asked my husband of 24 years on Monday whether there is another woman. He won't answer, which is already an answer.
    I'm waiting for the pin to drop any day now.
    This is not the first time he has strayed, but at this point, I'm thinking I will tell him it's the last time.
    Then I have to face my children and move forward as well as we can manage.
    I am not alone, as you say, but it's not a great place to be when you gave up your own career many decades ago and now find yourself having to support 2 teenagers and yourself.

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    1. Hey Sadly. I'm so sorry you're in this position. And yes, I know exactly how sucky that place you're in is. I was (and still kind of am) right there. It's awful, I won't lie. Scary. I wake up some nights and can't get back to sleep because I'm consumed with worry.

      I hope that if you find yourself doing this, like I am, that your husband does the right thing and helps you support your kids. You need to make sure you have some really good legal advice. 24 years is a LONG TIME. You worked in the marriage, raising the kids, supporting your husband while he worked on his career. You should not be left high and dry.

      Please keep in touch and let me know what happens. I'll be thinking of you :)

      Jenny

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  75. I feel really sad.my husband just told me he is tired of me..I guess another person in his life..5 years married and one baby girl.I have many debts of him on my name no money.no job bc I was a housewife just feel devastating and dont know what to do..but thank you this post is really helpful...

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  76. It is really helpful to read all of these stories. My boyfriend of 4 years left me 15 days ago (but who's counting!) We have lived together 2 years, with my 3 kids, 16, 13, and 11 and his two 9 and 7 - different kids, different days. It was stressful from the begining with my ex husbands (yup- 2) Mostly the last one from 4 years ago. He did everything he could to make our lives difficult and my partner and I tried our hardest to not let him . It helped that we "are soulmates" - ha! We have matching tattoos on the inside of our elbows - "I am my beloved's" and I have "My beloved is mine" - have each other's names on our shoulders too! I really believed we were in it for life. We waited a year to introduce our kids. Approached everything in a really healthy way. Always mindful of the issues we had in our other marriage/s. We never fought. It seems now that the biggest issue was the kids. Apparently he was unhappy. Didn't like having all the kids around. He is this amazing, kind, good person, but it is like he has changed into someone mean and callous and cold. I don't know if he is doing that to guard his own heart, or what. It hurts so much though. He is a 16 year sober alchoholic. They call that a dry drunk. So - there is that too, because he has a lot of the "symptoms" of a dry drunk. No way of knowing if that is any of this. He went straight from his last marriage into this relationship with me - and I always warned him he shouldn't. he also had this list on his computer I found that said what he was looking for in a woman was one with 1. no baggage 2. no kids 3. Her own money - I laughed - I am the total opposite! Talked about that too - he always told me he knew his own heart - If I knew mine - couldn't he know his? Well, apparently he didn't know it as well as he thought. I was on anti-depressants for years and they really messed with me. I went into early menopause at 42 and my sex drive diminished some. Along with us having been together for 4 years, and having 5 kids in the house sex wasn't the same - and we would talk about all of that. But I thought, from our discussions that he felt like I did - it was all a part of life/relationships. The ebb and tides - Than on my birthday, 3 days after spending the weekend in NYC, he told me he couldn't do it anymore. He had tried for 4 years and he just couldn't. He hadn't been happy in a long time - all of this was news to me - seriously - you could have knocked me over with a feather. My friends and family too - people all seemed to think we were perfect together I really thought this was forever. And it is so hard because of the kids. It hurts them- and I am having a hard time holding it 100% together, and I feel like the kids are struggling - it is almost harder because he is such a great guy. To just get up and walk out like that was a shocker to everyone. Suddenly I have to pay 1.5 times more rent on our house - cover cable, cell - things I didn't pay for before. I only worked part time - I need to find a full time job. I am so stressed out and heartbroken. It is like he turned into a totally different person. I had been anticipating and engagement ring soon - not this. Then I question everything - what did I miss? Where did he stop loving me? I remember things and think he didn't seem totally happy , or whatever - And the worst of all??? How do we ever put ourselves out there again and trust in love? How do we ever imagine that we can love with all of our hearts and not have them broken. I trusted him with my entire soul and being - Why would I ever believe that true love that lasts could be out there? It seems like it isn't - more often than not. Up until 15 days ago, I felt like that true love story - thought I was living it - but it turns out - I wasn't.

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  77. Well l guess today i joined the club. How can a man leave his son with no security of even a roof over our heads.i have been out of work for nearly 2
    Years looking for work everyday,but my husband of 15 years is fed up with
    Me not working.He is an alcoholic functional for work only,always had buddies over or at the neighbors my son is 13 he never did anything with him anyway.we never even watch tv together i guess its no big loss but why does it hurt so bad..

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