What To Do When Your Husband Leaves You. Part Two.

Note: I posted this and then took a 5 mile walk with my dog. As I walked, I thought about this and realized that it may sound like I think every divorce is going to devolve into a fight between a sneaky, lying man and a victimized woman. I don't. However, I went through hell with mine and I'd like other women to be able to get some advice if they happen to find themselves in a similar situation.

If you're headed towards divorce, please keep this in mind: Hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst. I wish you the best.

So, I recently discovered the "Stats" tab, and already babbled on about how interesting it is to see how people find this blog. I check it more often now, and am blown away by how many women end up here by typing in, "What to do when your husband leaves you". Literally, at least a dozen a day. They end up here because of the first post I wrote about What To Do When Your Husband Leaves you, which you can find here.

I wrote that one kind of tongue in cheek, it contains some very real advice but as I read over it now, I realize when you are in that zombie-like state right after you're abandoned, you may not want to read about how much fun it is to have sex as a single woman or how the Divorce Diet is real. You want advice, serious advice, advice you can hold onto and if you want, wear it like a Superman cape to give you strength. You want to know that you're not the only one who has felt this way, not the only one with so many different feelings and thoughts ricocheting through your brain that you're half-convinced one will shoot out of your skull and accidentally boink someone else.

So here is my stab at Part Two of What To Do When Your Husband Leaves You. Read the first one if he's just left, or maybe he's left and come back a time or two.

Read this one when you know it's over.
Read this one before you sign your decree.
Read this one if he stops paying child support or alimony.

First off, here's a high five, or if you're not creeped out by stranger hugs, a big fat hug. I'm proud of you for getting this far. I hope that you have surrounded yourself with good friends (you only need one or two to get you through this, but don't be surprised if you find yourself with many more). I hope you realize, or are starting to realize, just how strong and amazing you are. I hope you have properly mourned the death of your marriage, and if you're still in the grieving stages, you have my heartfelt condolences.

You will be ok.

So let's do this.

1. Save every single email, every single text, every single note you get from your husband.
If I had done this, things may have turned out a little bit differently for me. Mine promised to pay all of my attorney fees. He promised to pay for my health insurance. He promised to do lots of things that never came to be. In fact, some of the things he promised, he ended up fighting and trying to do the exact opposite. If I had saved some of his earlier emails, it may have helped. Don't just save them in a file on your computer. Print them out. Every single one. At the very, very least, you will have some interesting reading material when all is said and done. I like the ones where mine just plain old lies his ass off, and the one where he obviously hit the keyboard after hitting the bottle and went on and on about regret and apologies and how the person he ended up with isn't "anything special". Those aren't going to do squat for me in court, but they do reinforce the fact that I am infinitely better off without him.

2. Hire the best attorney you can afford.

Beg, borrow, sell whatever you can live without (tools, golf clubs and other boy toys sell really well on Craigslist. Just sayin). Ask any friends you have who are attorneys, or who are married to one, or roomed in college with one. Get loans from family. Try contacting organizations in your city that help women in crisis or community groups that help low-income people. They may be able to lead you to an attorney who will help you free of charge, or who will allow you to make payments. You need someone who has experience with divorce, and lots of it. My first attorney was ok. She was cheap, and she had some prior experience. But she let a lot of stuff get past her, stuff that ended up costing me lots of money in the long run.

Another thing to keep in mind: unless your attorney was a good friend prior to the divorce, they aren't your buddy. They may be awesome, they may be super friendly and they may kick total ass at their job, but at the end of the day you are simply a source of income to them. You need to make sure that you keep tabs on what's going on, double check the information that they have about you, your income, your expenses, etc. And just a heads up: once you're out of money, you're out an attorney. It's not a case of them being a-holes or scoundrels, it's just business. But after sitting in someone's office weeping into tissues for a couple of months, you kind of form a quasi-friendship feeling about them. You have to get over that.

3. Read every single word on every single piece of paper, ESPECIALLY drafts of your Marital Termination Agreement.

Have a friend read it too, or your mom or dad or anyone who isn't going through a divorce. In our first MTA, my ex somehow got all four kids as tax exemptions. Yes, that's right: he leaves, doesn't spend more than 4 whole days a month with them, and then wanted to use them as exemptions? He also wanted to claim the mortgage interest on our house which he hadn't lived in for 2 years. He got away with these things for a year. And then I got them changed. Stand up for yourself, even at the risk of sounding like a harpy in your attorney's office. Question everything. YOU are the customer in this relationship. Write down questions that pop into your head in the middle of the night, send an email or leave a message. The things you do now will determine your quality of life in the near (and far) future. Don't sit back and assume that others will look out for you. They will, of course, but you need to be in charge of your destiny. You must grow some balls and become your number one advocate. You can do it!

DON'T FORGET TO READ THE FINAL MTA BEFORE YOU SIGN IT! Take as long as you need, don't let anyone rush you. You sit down, and you read every last word. Some attorneys have been known to sneak in some changes between the last draft and the final, official MTA. Check things carefully: holiday schedules, length and amount of alimony/child support, who claims the kids for taxes, who's responsible for what marital debt, etc. Your attorney should be with you when you sign it, to go over it with you. If that's not possible, bring a friend who is familiar with your situation.


You and your kids are young right now. But that's going to change. You need to think of your retirement. When I got divorced, my husband had one small 401k, which we had to split, and part of it had to be used for some overdue tax payment. That shouldn't have happened. It should have been mine, the tax payment should have been his responsibility. I essentially got nothing. It was like I worked at a job for twelve years, gave it everything I had, sacrificed my youth and got nothing. No retirement, no severance package, no going away party with cake and balloons. Nothing. Make sure you get something for your part in the marriage.

And your kids. At this moment the biggest expense may be shoes and camp, but as they grow, so do their bills. School supplies are spendier (hello? Graphing calculators for three kids?). Sports will become prohibitively expensive. They will need driving lessons, behind the wheel classes, they'll need to take their driver's license test and there will be car insurance and gas money (not to mention a car to drive). They'll have to pay for college entrance tests and COLLEGE. Make sure all of this is addressed in your MTA. All of it. Don't worry about sounding petty. Make damn sure that your soon-to-be ex is assigned at least half of these expenses. This was one of my biggest mistakes. None of this was even touched on in my MTA, and now I have 3 teens, two who should be driving but I can't afford the classes. And considering that their father won't pony up $100 for new eyeglasses, they won't even ask about this stuff. Don't let this happen to you.

He's also responsible for their health insurance. Which he did take care of, for a while. Then he switched them all over to New Wife's insurance, which sucks. In my humble opinion, they chose the absolute worst package available. I don't know if it was a subtle way to say, "Screw you" to me or if they are truly the most miserly people on the planet, but it sucks. Some crazy high deductible, so high that I cannot afford to take my kids to the doctor. We've had to wait out ear aches and put off well-child examinations until I can afford to pay for the whole visit. We lost our awesome dentist because mid-way through a batch of appointments, my ex switched the insurance to a group that wouldn't pay. That bill was in my name (he would never agree to be the guarantor...get that in your MTA, too!!) and it's being lumped in with my bankruptcy. Now I have to face this dentist, who is a family friend, at school events and even though she knows it's not my fault I still feel like a deadbeat.

I was surprised to find out that you can go back and have the terms of the decree reviewed by the courts, and quite possibly have them modified if they are unreasonable. I found this out because I did the next thing:

5. Research. And read the fine print.

You have the internet. Spend some time researching divorce cases in your county. You will be amazed at what you find. One thing you will learn is that nothing in a divorce decree is etched in stone. It can all be changed, it can all be modified, it can all be worked around. There are more loopholes in an MTA than there are in a latch-hook rug kit.

If my ex-husband was able to go back and have his child support obligation reduced to zero dollars a month, you can bet there are loopholes. It's a matter of finding facts to support your claims, keeping good records and again, having the right attorney. As far as my case goes, yes, he was able to do that. But...and there's always a big but, isn't there? But I have done my research. I've gone through our MTA and found that there are certain conditions that had to have been met in order for some of the waivers and claims to stand up in court. Conditions that haven't been met...or were met, but only for a bit. These are the loopholes you'll be glad to find. Trust me on this one.

This next one is tough, but if I had done this...oh my. Life would be much different for me and the kids.

6. Dump the house.

Or at least consider it. Look at your mortgage, really look at it. We had three mortgages, which I had "kind of sort of" known about prior to the divorce, but didn't really think about it until I became solely responsible for the payments. Can you afford it? Is it going to go up? Are your property taxes affordable? How about the utilities like water and sewer and recycling? Add up your utilities and what you pay to maintain your home, include everything right down to how much you spend on gas for your lawn mower. How many years are left on your mortgage? Can you do it on your own? I don't care how much you get in alimony or child support, pretend that's not there (because sadly, out of 6 million women who are owed child support every year in the U.S., 2 1/2 million don't get it). Can you cover it? Unless you have a pretty good job and a smaller mortgage, you won't be able to do it. The house is the number one biggest piece of marital debt in most divorces. Don't let it become all yours.

When my husband left, he left me with close to $300,000.00 in house debt. He moved in with his girlfriend almost immediately, and closed on their new house (with a pool!) within a week or two after our divorce was finalized. They tied the knot less than a year later and are now expecting a baby (his fifth child. Seriously.). My milestones haven't been so sweet...I've gone through the humiliation of being left, the shame of foreclosure, the embarrassment of bankruptcy. My children and I are working through everything, and in the end I'm sure we'll all come out stronger people for it.

But, if I had been able to avoid even one of the many hurdles I've had to jump over the past few years, it would have made everything just a little bit easier. That's why I'm writing this down, that's why I'm exposing my past and my mistakes and my moments of bad judgment.

If I can help just one of you get through this and end up with fewer battle scars than I have, it will be worth it. I'm not an attorney, I'm not an expert, I'm not qualified or certified or accredited in any branch of the gnarled legal tree. I'm an average, every day woman, a woman who married a guy, had kids with him and went along with everything he said. I'm a woman who trusted a man with her life, and realized too late that it was a mistake.

Oh, and one more thing:

7. Don't have sex with your ex.

Based upon my experience, and the experiences of other divorced women I've talked to, this is fairly commonplace. They come back. They come back with hard-ons and crocodile tears and sometimes a bottle of wine. They crawl back into your bed and whisper to you about how they're sorry and they're lonely and they miss you. They do this even with a younger piece of ass waiting for them at their bachelor pad, sometimes they've even married this piece of ass and yet, there they are at your front door.

Don't let them in. Not into your house, not into your bed, not into you. Sure, at first it's nice. You close your eyes and the shitstorm that has become your life dissipates for a few minutes. You have your man back where he belongs, and you think, just for a bit, that you've won. Everything is going to be all better.

But it's not. When he's done, he leaves. He may stay overnight, but more than likely he'll go home to whatever or whoever is waiting for him. Just like you used to wait for him. You'll be left feeling used, feeling cheap and wearing the stench of bad decisions and regret like some cheap body spray from Walgreens. Don't do it.

Ok, I lied, TWO more things:

8. What if he stops paying child support/spousal maintenance?

First thing; don't panic. I mean, yes, you can panic a little bit because things like bills, electricity, gas for your car and food for your kids can't be paid for with wishes and dreams, so yeah. You can panic about that. But you'll get through that. Trust me, I fed four kids and kept the lights on with about $700.00 a month for a while. You are tough, and this will be one of the times you prove it.

But in the long run, don't panic. This is one example of the law being on your side. If a man owes child support and/or spousal maintenance and doesn't pay it, it's going to haunt him. Unless he goes all Unabomber and slides off the grid, his social security number, name, address and all that good stuff will be flagged. He will have problems getting loans, getting credit cards, buying a car...hell, he may find his auto insurance rates go up overnight.

You have to make sure you file the correct paperwork with your county, however. The first time he's late or misses a payment, you can call your county's Family Court division and ask about collecting child support. There is a certain length of time that you'll need to wait (it has to be a certain number of days/weeks overdue before the county can step in and pursue it) but it won't hurt to have the paperwork all ready to go. This is another instance where you need to keep diligent records. If he tosses you some cash, record the amount and date. A check? Photocopy. Promises to do it? Get it in writing. Keep the voicemail.

Past due child support and alimony cannot be dismissed no matter what. Not if he files bankruptcy, not if he loses his job, not if he becomes incapacitated and unable to work. And no, if he remarries and Wife #2 (or 3, or 4...) has a good job, her income cannot be touched. If she has a heart or soul, she'll help the poor man provide something for his kids, but her income is off limits as far as legally collecting support in arrears. Even if your ex is purposely under-employed, or is able to hide some of the money he makes or under-report it, the courts will only look at his income when determining the amounts and collecting the arrearages.

However...courts will look at all of his available resources when determining some of this. And having someone else who has been and is able to continue helping with the household expenses is definitely a resource. But this isn't something I know too much about, just relaying what I've read elsewhere. Situations like this are best left for your attorney, and someone else who you may get to know (and love, just a little)...a forensic accountant. Expensive, but they can make or break your case. If it's suggested you use one, and you are able? Go for it.

And that's all I have for now. To my regular readers, I'm sorry...we'll be back to our regularly scheduled fluff and filler in a jiffy. To anyone new reading this, welcome. I hope you've at the very least found some comfort here. I am sorry that you've found me this way, but glad you did.

Hang in there.


  1. Where IS part I?

  2. Anonymous: there's a link to it in the first or second paragraph, but it's easy to miss. Here is a direct link to the first one:


    You may have to copy and paste it. Otherwise, you can type in "what to do when your husband leaves you" in the search box up on the left side of this page. It will be the second or third one down.

    Hope that helps. Thank you for reading...


  3. what you need to do next is really try to help the women who have nothing, are housewife , who's husband decided he wanted to move back home to his mommy leaving the wife holding the bag with the kid and no savings or money or job. those women really need some advice.

    1. This is my situation. Went running back to his mum and dad and left me with 4 kids, an unfinished education that I won't be able to use when I do finish, and a broken heart.

    2. Mine walked out after gambling all our money away and left me with a 12 month old and 2 month old and no money. He ran back to his mommy and daddy's house as well the surprise, suprise, they decided his only "problm" was he was married to a horribe person and took his side. He spent the past year trying to convince the court that I am a lazy, loser and should be forced to get a new job even though I have two toddlers by myself and a full time job making 50K a year. it's been pure hell.

    3. My husband just left me and out almost two year old son, literally three hours ago. I've been a housewife since the day our boy was born. My name isn't on the house, it isn't on the account, it isn't on my car. I have no cash, no access to money, no job, and the only people I know anywhere near me is his family. I'm alone, jobless, moneyless, heartbroken, confused, and terrified. I don't even know how to begin to pick up the pieces. If I hadn't gotten some groceries yesterday there would be no food. There was no warning, we had our arguments but he spent time with us, he works hard, he loves his son, he promised me forever. And now I don't know who I am besides "mommy."

    4. Get on your knees and pray sweetheard. I was a housewife for 6 years. My husband called me and over the phone told me he was done and not coming home. Within one week after he left me I had a new apartment, car and new great paying job. I asked for help and God provided me with wonderful people that helped me get back on my feet.

    5. God is always good. My husband left me today. Sent me a text. Only been married 3 months but didn't see this coming. Hurts bad and feel embarrassed.

    6. My husband left me 5 days ago. Called me and said he wants to be with someone who "likes the same things he does"... 4 years and he just up and decides to leave me! He was on his way to a friend's house in south texas.... so when he got back to town, all his shit was packed and moved to his mommy's house. I am still in shock, but he filed like 2 days ago, so it is real. I read all these comments and was like geesh.... my situation is horrible, i was a house wife too, but no kids, and some of ya'll have it so much worse than me. I am praying for God's guidance and peace. I am so sorry all of you have had your soul's crushed just like me. But I am so grateful for this blog. I too googled "what to do when your husband leaves you".... Thank you for writing this.

  4. Thank you, I am going to give this a go because earlier today I felt like the world has come down on me and very unhappy thoughts. But it is good to know that there are also other people that went through the same and are giving advice on their own experience. I am going to start looking after myself and make the best of my life even if it means not having him in my life. That's going to be hard but I need to face the facts that he doesn't want to come back. Juanita

    1. I have been there. I moved to a new town and started again. I did some courses and got a job which opened up new doors. Seeing how unhappy many married women were showed me i was far from alone. They even envied the fact that i was single, but i was still bruised and still wishing it had gone a lot better. I got out and about and i healed a lot during that time. Time does not heal wounds, wounds heal with time. Once you start being busy living your own life, things start to ease up. I keep busy, i keep my mind on other things. It is hard to face up to the fact he is gone, but meeting others and looking after yourself will help a lot.

  5. Anon #1: Thank you for your comment. I'm sorry if that's the situation you've found yourself in..I'm really, truly sorry. All I can tell you is that this is the time you dig deep and find a way to support yourself and your babies. Sell everything you can on Craigslist, start searching the want ads for a part time gig, babysit, dogsit, clean neighbor's houses, sell on eBay, beg family for help...Did he really move back in with Mommy? Ask her for help. Doesn't she want to see her grandchild? I hope you're doing ok. Please let me know.

    Anon. #2: Hugs to you. I know that feeling all too well, I wish you comfort and peace. There will come a day when you wake up and he isn't the first thing on your mind, there will come a day when you stop whatever you're doing and realize that you haven't thought about him or what he's done.

    I know this sounds sappy and lame but the clouds will eventually clear. It won't happen overnight but it will happen. Hang in there ♥

    1. Hi i think your posts r amazing. Part one is ehere i am at the min. Kicked my husband out few days ago hes threatenrd leave me times. Texting other wonen. Talking yo me like crap and short with the kids. I feel mixed feelings but ur post really helped thank u. I kno i can do this just got find the strength. Worry b lonely. On my oen. Ive two kids

    2. O snd to add try b brave i sit her upset but things were bad wen he was here. I deserve better. We all do. Hang in ladies its going be a roller coaster for me i kno and the kids have started being upset too but i kno i can do this this time no going back. Be brave. And thank u jenny for the great post. I live in england and ur helping the hurt eomen of the world x

  6. I was just told by my husband of 22 years that he is leaving me and our daughters. I am devastated and the pain is unbearable. I begged and pleaded for a chance to change since he claims the only reason is my attitude. My heart is breaking for my youngest daughter who is 11. I have to put on a brave face in front of the kids until he finds an apartment and we tell the kids together. Meanwhile I'm in a private hell. I am panicked on how I'm going to pay the bills on one income. It felt good to know that i am not the only one who has gone through this...thanks

  7. Anonymous...I'm so sorry. This is not a club that is excited when we get a new member. My heart goes out to you, and to your girls. I hope you can get things sorted out, and hope that the fear and panic subsides.

    Keep me updated, ok? Hang in there.

  8. Thank you so much for your blog! I read part 1 first and just finished this one. My husband of 15 years has left me for another woman. However, this woman is halfway around the world. They met once 2 1/2 years ago and spent half a day together, and now only communicate by internet. He did bring her here 9 months ago, to "see if it was real" and to have sex with her. He decided that they were soul mates and were destined to be together. He has left me, and our 2 wonderful children ages 11 and 8. I was blindsided by this, there was never any indication he was having an affair....why would a smart man throw away everything on a woman who lives half way around the world?
    PS She lives in Spain but is a Mexican immigrant...I think she may be desperate to move to a new country and have someone take care of her...and my husband has been blinded by "love"

  9. Anonymous...thank YOU for reading. I hope you found some help, or at the very least some solace in knowing that you are not alone. I am speechless about your situation...well, ok, not speechless but shocked and angry and sad for you and your kids. I don't understand why men who seem to have a pretty decent life, walk away from it all. Why they are so willing to break people's hearts for some stupid mid-life freak out.

    I hope you are doing ok. Please check in again.

  10. It's been about 8 months of my husband leaving me and catching him talking to another women. First, I begged him and pleaded. Second, I ignored and was secretly angry. Third, I blew up and did all. Fourth, I accepted by putting God first and waiting on him to do whatever he is trying to do for my happiness. You will get through this, but you have to have a "You are not worth my time" attitude and let it all go. He's doing the wrong, not you! Then your husband will show signs of regret. Silence is the best killer for making them feel bad...but also let them see a new you! Your not going to be sad, and your not going to let this man get you down. God should always be your joy, not a man! Psalm 37:4 Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Blessings!

    1. Thank You for the Inspiring words!

    2. Thank You for the Inspiring words!

    3. I totally agree. Thank you for sharing!!!!

    4. My husband just left me Saturday and I was told he is bragging about it on Facebook, acting like he is so happy about it. Who freaking does that. I didn't even know he was unhappy! Now he is acting like I am a horrible beast he is so happy to be rid of. I am at a total loss for words. This is insane. Why is this happening to me.... I am sick....

  11. Previous comment:
    Anonymous said...
    Thank you, I am going to give this a go because earlier today I felt like the world has come down on me and very unhappy thoughts. But it is good to know that there are also other people that went through the same and are giving advice on their own experience. I am going to start looking after myself and make the best of my life even if it means not having him in my life. That's going to be hard but I need to face the facts that he doesn't want to come back. Juanita
    July 17, 2011 11:55 AM

    I recently met someone while my husband and I got separated. He's a great friend and we started going out and we enjoy each other company as well very much. We are taking it slow but I think I fell in love with him and he with me. He is so nice, generous and christian. He's parents are also great. Is it too quick? if my ex comes pass again I don't think that I will be able to take him back after he has hurt me with everything.

  12. My husband abandoned my two children and me almost one year ago. I believed he was on the down-low for a long time. The fact that since he left, has has slithered out of the US to visit his "boyfriend" who lives in Europe over the summer along with several clandestine meetings in various cities since leaves me to believe my gut instinct. He vehemently denies it.

    Like many women, I left a lucrative career (at his insistence) to care for the children. When he left, he severed my ability to access any marital assets as he had taken my name off of all accounts, without my knowledge and devalued our home by borrowing on it against my knowledge. Additionally, he had another apartment for almost a year before he moved out!!!!

    I am so grateful he left. The kids and I are so much happier. We don't walk on eggshells, wondering when we were going to be yelled at or demoralized, and our home is so joyful now.

    All that said, we are broke flat broke. My husband earns almost a million dollars a year and I have about ten dollars left to my name as I write this and am petrified about my next move. I have a stack of bills that I can't even look at let alone pay. I have never had debt, but in one year have amassed about $75,000 in it. I have sold so much stuff that my house looks pretty stark. I was court ordered to not sell furniture, china, jewelry, silver and crystal. The man who was allegedly clueless about the "finer things," now he had an itemized list of these things.

    Yeah, he promised to pay things after he left, but of course, he has slowly but surely stopped paying one thing after another. The most recent was his allowing the car insurance to lapse.

    As for the children, he claims parental alienation on my part. The ironic part is that is stopped showing up for visitations way back in the spring. I had the kids ready and he never showed. He has not seen either one in about five months, but claims he loves and misses them when he texts them.

    We are coming up on the custody hearing and financial settlement. I have a fabulous attorney who I owe about $12K, but she is going after him for the money since I am the "disadvantaged spouse." I have come to love that term since it assures I get what I am entitled to.

    Daily I get blindsided by another awful thing at his hands. Despite the horrors he has bestowed upon us, I am so much better off.

    I hope the courts rule in our favor.

    1. i just found out my husvand is in to transsexuals... i wasn'teven looking... im in shock...

  13. My husband left me a while ago. I am still upset and angry, and sad, and everything else. I don't really know what to do. I work, but make very little money and can't even afford to live anywhere. I will have to move back in with my parents, but he claims he doesn't want me to move far so he can see the kids. He is only 30 something miles away and acts like it kills him to come see them. Then he keeps saying you can't afford to live here so why don't you move back to your parents 1500 miles away. I bet he would like that so he can start his new life without having us around as a burden. He sucks. Okay. Just blowing off steam so I hope I don't come across as a b*tch, but we spent a decade together and have 2 beautiful kids that are so young, elementary school age but young and really want to be around their dad. Bad thing is I will likely move away or just live in my car. The only thing that keeps me here is being close so when he feels like being with the kids, he can and my sucky paying job. I really wish I spent time looking at pay scales when I was in college. My job will never pay squat.

  14. Been there and done that. Have the tee-shirt too. Here's the best I can offer.

    Rule #1.
    Don't blame yourself. Don't let him blame it on you and don't even listen to the diatribes on your deficiencies. If the man was really concerned about your "attitude" or deficincies you'd have discussed it eons ago and with a marriage counselor. He's not.

    For instance, the person above that said he claimed it was her "attitude". He's lying. Guys don't leave 20 year marriages or young children over "attitude". *They leave cause someone is waiting for them*.

    My ex-spouse denied it too. I didn't believe it then and 18 months after the divorce the woman he'd been dating and spending money on surfaced because she had questions about his past behavior. Imagine that.

    Rule #2

    Face facts. It's definitely OVER. Like it or not, better or worse accept it. You must pick up the pieces and move on.
    No, he's not coming back and even if he did it would be like a vase that was shattered and glued together - thousands of stress points everywhere just waiting to bust open at the first difficulty.

    Rule #3.
    Be realistic.
    A drunken infidelity at a business conference you can forgive. Willful and calculated cheating and abandonment and the forsaking of your best interest is certainly NOT something you will "forgive" or "get over". Period.

    4. Run to the bookstore and buy whatever it takes to get you through it. Surviving the Loss of a Love. Co-Dependent No More. Whatever. Now is the time to lean on your friends and support system as much as you have to. If you don't have a support system then make as many friends as you can. Talk to them EVERYWHERE. Women who have been there and done that are best. The church-based divorce group stuff didnt' help me much even as a church attender. They didn't want me to say anything bad about my ex even when this was all fresh wound. Not very realistic. Women who have been there were a better inspiration for me at least.

    5. Tatoo the authors financial and child support, divorce proceeding information to your forehead and find out much more. THIS is the time to worry about your future; you can worry about the emotional stuff later. Get everything you can.

    6. once the ink is dry on the divorce papers, bury it. Look back long enough to do a realistic assessment of what you did wrong. Were there signs he was untrustworthy from the start that you put aside? Had he not been treating you well? History of walking out on a prior marriage (perhaps for YOU. be honest.) Were there signs about a short attention span? Money management issues? Anger issues?

    And what did YOU do that you shouldn't have?

    Look back long enough to reflect and learn from your mistakes (as not to repeat them). and then LET IT GO. Once you've learned what you needed to, you're just wasting time and life dwelling on it further.

    7. You WILL survive this. Really, you will. And you'll be better for it. Really.

  15. Oct 21;

    you don't owe anytihng to him. If he was worrid about his kids he wouldn't have walked out on the marriage (at least without one hell of a fight to save it).

    You'd be surprised what is available now in child care, scholarships and trade tech schools with one year certificates. learn to fix refrigerators or be a paramedic.
    Move in with your parents if you need to and count your blessings. That wasn't an option for me. Mine were gone.

  16. Hey...all of you anonymous ladies: First of all, a big hug to each and every one of you. I'd offer you a glass of wine if you were here, or a tissue, or whatever. THANK YOU for commenting. I know it's hard to write about it, even anonymously, so thank you for sharing your stories.

    Secondly, for those of you who wrote a few months ago, I hope the waves of this storm are decreasing. I hope you are on your way to your new life, and that you and your kids are doing alright. It's not easy, I know. But I hope you are hanging in there.

    Thirdly...tell me this: what do you think you wish you had known, right away? What did you hope to find when you first typed "what to do when your husband leaves you"? Did you want to find legal help? Religious support? Financial answers? Or just emotional support, friendship...the consolation that other women have been through this, and survived?

    Share with me, if you will, what you wish had been available to you when you first started looking for answers. I know when I first found myself alone, I just wanted to know what to do, period. I had trouble remembering to shower, I couldn't keep anything straight in my head. I was like a zombie who stumbled around the house, crying and pinching myself to see if I could wake up from that awful nightmare.

    I wanted answers. I wanted reassurance. I wanted help.

    What did you all want, what do you still want? I think we could all help each other.

    Happy New Year to each and every one of you, and I mean it: HAPPY New Year. This is a fresh start for you. And me. Let's get through it, together.


    1. My husband of 22 years just walked out a week before Thanksgiving. His mother was visiting for the holidays and Anne's to stay for a few weeks. When he told me, I swallowed two bottles of over the counter sleep aids,about 50. He came into the bedroom a few hours later when he had sobered up a little, and he kept asking me what I took. I couldn't answer and was hallucinating. It was I virus I was in trouble. He didn't call an ambulance but instead called our daughter that lives an hour away, she is 19 and a college student, and told her I was sick and needed to go to the hospital. He got in his car and left. He has ceased all communications with myself and our daughter.
      I cry EVERY day. I work and am trying to move on. I don't know who I am or what to do. How do I find a place to fall apart?

  17. This ALL has just happened to me but my husband abusively tried to get ME out of the house! After 15 years. I got a PFA and had him removed, he emptied the bank account, took my car to the auto auction ( did get it back)! And told me he was going to make my life miserable. Great. Im devastated and have tried to look and act like Im not for the "Holidays!" and my 14 yr. old. Its the worst feeling in the world. If the bills werent so behind, and the mortgage soooo behind and if I didnt live in a tourist town where there arent many jobs...If I had a job...I dont know what Im going to do. This site has given me encouragement. And I know I havnt even hit hard yet. Cause when your finished talking to your friends who have their own lives to live, and your family who lives hours away goes home and your all alone in the silence of your house all your doubts come back and you get that freaky feeling of panic it is rather challenging to imagine there will be a good time again. I'd like to thank the hostess of this site Dorothy, you have a way with words and memory, which I hope to get back soon! And hay...I cant wait for the sex part! That will be a nice diversion so those were frank light hearted words I did enjoy! I just keep telling myself IM NOT ALONE. I feel so very bad for all you women who are in your 50's and 60's, that makes me real sad and pessimistic! Im 47 which is BAD enough and I feel old, haggard and used.I cannot wait for a better time and I pray that he doesnt hold true to his making me miserable words. Wishing you all the best out there and remember like Dorothy said breathe, take a walk and dont forget to live in the moment and see the beauty around you or you may miss LIFE...

  18. January 1, I forgot to say THANK YOU for adding your two cents! You wrote it out beautifully and I found myself saying, "YEAH!" a couple of times. Thank you so much for sharing, and PLEASE check back often.

    January 2, hugs to you my friend. I'm so sorry. You know what I'm going to say, right? It's NEVER too late to go back to school. I'm going to be doing it myself soon, and I'm 45 so I'm not too far behind ya. We can do it! I'm also sorry your ex had to leave such a trail of disaster in his wake...why would he do such vengeful things if HE was the one who left?? I think I could live to be 1000 years old and I wouldn't be able to figure out what goes on in the heads of these men.

    And yes, my friend, the sex does help. But keep in mind, women our age are the ones being hardest hit with STD's...so have fun but make him wear a raincoat, if you know what I mean. Better safe than sorry.

    Thanks you ALL for commenting, and reading, and SHARING. Together we will all get through it.


  19. My husband left me 6 months ago after he took us down into financial ruin after lying about owning tons of proerty and his own business. He has been telling so many lies that he actually beleives them. And of course he blames me that he had to lie as to "not to hurt me". Such a load of crap. I was so devasted. I even begged him to come home. I sold my business to help with his "new Business" and became a SAHM and a part time swim coach. He took the little money we had and moved in with a friend who isnt charging him rent. I have a 2yrd old son (who he didnt even see on his 2nd birthday...again my fault because I wasnt being "nice "to him)and has been in hiding ever since. I finally got him to come to marriage counseling and he didnt say one word excpet that i "brought him down" with all my questions about this business and when we were going to see some money coming in. I mean almost every week i was getting declined at the grocery store or when i was buying diapers for our newborn son. I always knew in my gut something was not right. But he was my husband and i trusted him. i wanted to believe in him and this new venture that was supposed to make our lives "better in the long run."
    So i let it go. Stopped calling him. Moved on, grieved like hell for weeks. And finally realized my potential and started healing and rebuilding. And what do you know.....as soon as i was happy he showed up. Calling emailing me how he has changed. A New Mike. And if i would just give new mike a chance i could be happy again. he even bought me a new gucci bag to show me how he loved me only to take it back when i told him he couldnt live in my new apt. apparently in his mind a gift is more a bribe. I have grieved this marriage and am ready for the divorce. I have even gone out and laughed and met someone ( not serious) but just to see that i am smart and beautiful inside and out and someone could love me again. Now he wont let go. says unless i give yet another chance he will drag me thru a hellish divorce which i am beginning to wonder if i am strong enough ( i have bi polar and am in therapy but this is more chaos than i can handle) i worry he is taking my ability to enjoy life and my son. how do i deal with someone who doesnt see that his lies and deciet is why this happened in the first place? how do u deal with another battle to end the marriage? im holding on by therads.

  20. The fact that any woman cannot trust the father of her children to lead, protect and provide for them should be an offense punishable by eternal damnation.

    There is no excuse for a man not taking care of his family.

    Women if you find yourself and any children abandoned do everything in your power to live well and happy without a man.

    1. I am doing exactly that. It took a while to get there, but it is worth it. The more i do which is positive the better my daily life is. The financial side is the hardest, low paid jobs for instance. But the children are grown up and i have grandchildren now, so life has grown for me in very fruitful ways. The grandchildren take a lot of the pain away and they are making my life so rich. Look to the future and plant well, you will reap good fruit.

  21. Well, here I am: new club member. 23 years into my marriage, barely surviving emotionally anyway since we have 3 special needs children who are now special needs young adults, I have been blindsided with, "I just can't live with you anymore, it's too upsetting for me to deal with the children." So he really is saying that he wants to live without us. And not only that... drumroll... he hasn't enjoyed being a husband and father for many, many years. Well ok then. sigh.

  22. Oh, and I forgot. He will not go to counseling or try an antidepressant (I am on 3). I am just so looking forward (NOT) to adding this trauma to the lives of my already overloaded children.

  23. Wow, all the ladies that have written about what they are going threw. I say thank you.

    My husband of 12 years just gave me the"I don't love you anymore. It's me not you talk". I have two children 3rd and1st grade. They are special needs. I am a stay at home mom with my own disabilities. For our whole marriage their was a lot of control and abuise. (Once physical). We had a police, carted off to jail, bruises disagreement. I pressed charges and found my voice. Which was the down fall of the marriage.
    He just walked out a few days ago. I cry as I write this but if this well help just one person.

    If u even have a thought of anything wrong plan for the worst but hope it never comes to it.

    Get a seperate checking account. Without his name one it.

    Stock up on tissues, cause I am going threw a lot.

    Be brave show your children a mother to be proud of. Stand up for you and your children.
    Cause he is only looking out for himself.

    Get a lawyer they give the best advice. They will look out for you and your children.

    This feeling are so hard to turn off. But after reading your post I will take it a day, min at a time. My children are better off without him and so am I. I will make him pay for the hurt he has caused us.

    Last thought for the ladies who say your to old that is BS cause your never too old to love.

    1. I am a new member. My husband of 14 years told me he had to leave to go live with his mother to become a better man. Thank God we had no kids together. He's been gone for 9 months. He could never hold a job and I've been the provider. I thought I would stand by him and he will progress. My mom had stage 4 ovarian cancer so I worked and after work I took care of her at the nursing home. When I got home at night I was so exhausted that I couldn't pick up the signs. He was sex texting and one night when he left his cell phone behind it lighted up like forth of July. That was God exposing to me what I was missing all this time. So when I confronted him he hid like he was sleep and when I got off work he asked me for aride to the Greyhound bus station. He purchased a one way ticket to St. Louis and I am in Maryland. He breeched the rental contract which I will sue him on. He cut off cell phone and alll contacts with me.I guess he thinks because he's in another state he cant be touched. I had to mourned the death of my mother and my marriage but through the grace of God I am 51 years old and I am feeling so good about myself. And I encourage all others who are going through this it will hurt but That Soon Shall Pass. God Bless You All.

  24. My situation is kind of different but not really. I left my ex-husband because we were in a sexless marriage, he was abusive and in the entire decade we were married I never once got a gift for any holiday. ANY!!! I worked super hard and made more money than he did, but he always spent it. We were a upper middle class family. I sent our kids to private school and gave up valuable time with them working just to give them the best. We have been seperated over two years and the divorce is final, but I just found out about the girlfriend he has had since 2004. The last seven years of our marriage he was cheating on me with a much older fast food worker who lives in a single wide trailer and does not even have a GED??? WTH? He claims he loves the way she supports her daughter? It turns out he was taking our young children over there for years and banging her while they watched TV in the other room. Even worse, his dad introduced them because she used to have casual sex with his dad while the step-mother was off working. How can he say that his drunken girlfriend does anything for her preteen daughter. What about our two kids and the insurance you dropped just to be hateful. Ask him for anything and he claims he only has to do 50%. NEWS FLASH tiny prick! When you only see your kids four days a month, you never call and your son hates you, 50% is not even close to what you are giving! I couldn't imagine looking at my kids and saying "sorry, my job ended at 50%." The man has just dropped out of being a father at all. Even worse he just got kicked out of the military for an injury he faked in Iraq. Instead of paying for his daughter's dental surgery with his military settlement, he bought an older truck and is making payments on the POC. How do you buy a truck with no job, future or potential income. I know it sounds awful but I wish to God he had died in Iraq. At least then he would have ended being a father and person on a high note. Maybe if I had known about the "McSkunt" months ago I would not be so angry now but I am. I cannot believe I ever married such a JA and had kids with him. I am so angry at myself for lowering my standards and giving him a chance in the first place because I think if we were all honest with ourselves we would admit we knew these men were mistakes earlier on in. I am remarried and I have an awesome husband who is amazing but I still hate my ex and I am having a really hard time just trying to get over hating him.

    1. Well written. You have to forgive and wish the best for him, but well written. Being angry seems like a justified reaction, but forgive him totally, wish the best for him and move on. A just God will deal with it and we all have issues. We all make mistakes. The only perfect person is God. We are not here to judge each other we're here to love each other. To be the better person in this situation, you'd have to truly forgive him and love him. That doesn't mean subjecting yourself to his abuse though. It means moving on with your own life and loving the good people you have around you now.

  25. This is an awful article, telling my mother that she can be sneaky and ruin my father's life while she steals all his money and make him eat dirt for saying he wanted a divorce! You women are crazy for one, and i am a woman of 30 who knows all too well this is WRONG!

    1. Sneaky? Ruin HIS life? You need to read more, my dear. Come back when you find yourself trying to rebuild a life with your children after your husband cheats on you and leaves you twisting in the wind.

      Thanks for stopping by!

    2. Obviously you're really dumb.

    3. Karma will get you. You will understand when you are dumped and homeless.

    4. Don't have babies if you cannot afford to pay for at least half of them AND yourself. Women act horrified when their husband leaves with his money because he doesn't love them anymore. Since when is a man liable for life to pay your bills. What is your job? If any of you women were carrying your weight, you would have plenty of money. Get off message boards and take accountability for the fact that you chose to have children with someone, the love died, and now you are once again responsible to pay for yourself as an adult. You are not children!

    5. Normally I would just delete a comment like this. But I wanted to say, "Fuck ️you, anonymous."

      I assume you're a bitter man who has been forced to help support his kids. Or else you're married to a man who pays child support.

      Either one...you're an asshole. Please go away and read something else.

    6. Oh dear Anonymous April 2 9:19 and Feb 1 at 1:40, You couldn't possibly be more clueless or mistaken. I am a 57 year old professional woman whose husband left after 35 years of marriage. Husbands don't just walk out of the door--the amount of disrespectful, destructive, and deceitful preplanning that the "leaver" does before s/he walks away is mindboggling. The person left holding the mortgage and caring for the family unit is soooooooooo far behind the eight ball at that point in time that even with a great lawyer they will never catch up. "Steals all HIS money" Marriage involves the work of two and homemakers/moms are rarely paid for the 90+hours/week that they devote to home and family. "The love died"! That's a cheap excuse. Whatever happened to "in good times and in bad". The old traditional marriage vows face the facts that marriage is a journey that involves highs and lows. It is not for the spineless or the faint of heart. The spouse who stays to care for the family is a million times more honest, more responsible, more hard working, and more honorable than you will ever understand. I hope you never have to encounter this devastating event. It doesn't sound as if, at this time, you have the tools required to rise from the ashes of lies and abandonment. But the pure of heart women I know do. Karma is real. Open your eyes before you get hurt too.

    7. @ Feb 1 2015.....Must be Jenny's ex or the desk top spread eagle he married.

  26. New to this. Recently seprated. My husband moved us from VT to CT for one year and then in Dec moved us to WA state. After only 2 months he told me to take my kids and move back to the East coast, he no longer wanted to be married to me. I quit a full time job to relocate with him becasue I thought we were working on things and they would eventually get better. I guess I was fooling myself. I suspsect there is someone else but He of course denies it. I also took our 2 dogs. Now I am living with family, no job, no husband and losing my mind while trying to be strong for my 2 kids who can't understand why daddy did this to us... HELP!!! Why do I miss him so much????? I need to let go and can't seem to find a way to do this!

    1. You miss him for the same reason we all missed them....we loved them. They were our husbands. The man we chose to spend our life with. I too was once where you are (as I am sure we all were), and I realize now after all these months alone, it is fear. Fear that life will never be good again, fear that we will struggle forever, fear we may not ever be happy without him. But fear is holding you back from everything you want. And it takes time to be strong and let the fear go, i know, only now almost a yr later am I finally beginning to see all the benefits of the best thing he ever did...leave. I would have never left him. And now i am grateful more than ever that he is gone. I know right now the world doesnt make sense. But you are not alone..sadly...men like these are everywhere. But now you get the opportunity to be happy and with a real man( when you're ready of course), teach your kids how to treat their SO and never let them see you being mistreated EVER again. Life has a very funny way of making us see the truth about our lives...ok maybe not funny now.....but you will see...it can be great.

    2. Anonymous #2 nailed it. You will miss him, maybe for a long time. Sometimes it will come out of nowhere...I still have dreams about my ex, and every time I do I wake up and wonder, "What the hell?". Our hearts and our minds can play tricks on us.

      You will make it. You can start over, and it won't be easy. It will be so tough some days that the stress and sadness and anger will be almost overwhelming.

      BUT. You can do it. Do you have an attorney yet? You need to do that ASAP. Thank God you have a place to stay with your kids and your doggies. Do you have a degree? Call your old place of employment and make sure they'll give you a good reference, and then get out there and see if you can find a job that's similar or even better.

      Anonymous was right: Your ex, in his own shitty way, has given you the best gift you'll ever get: a chance at a new life, without someone who obviously doesn't get how much YOU are worth.

      Right now you are in the eye of the storm. It will settle down, believe me. And there will come a day that you will look back on all that has happened and you will be so damn proud of yourself for getting through this not only intact, but stronger and smarter and HAPPIER than you ever thought possible.

      Thank you for reading, and for sharing your story. And hang in there. Check back and let us know what's going on.


    3. I think most of the "missing him" thing is about missing an illusion or a dream. You miss the man you thought he would be, you miss the marriage you wish you had, and so forth. Remember the reality of what you relationship was, of who he was, then focus on filling your life with the things you wish you had. You can eventually see the "rightness" of the end of the marriage, your separation from him to free you for the things you long for.

    4. Yes but at what point does the missing stop? I wasnt married but engaged to a guy for over 8 years. It was a complicated relationship at times but in the final two years I thought things were pretty much okay. Nearly one year ago he told me he was leaving. After telling me he loved our little life and that he was an idiot for going, he left. So one year on I still miss him. Ive occupied myself with work, friends, family, and that occasiona sexual fling but the longing is still there. I feel that he left due to me, it was all my fault. When does this stop?

  27. 4 weeks age my husband of 26 years decided to not come home anymore, he never told me but got our daughter to tell me. He has been going to our cottage at night. He still has all his cloths here and his personal belongings, he puts money in our account to pay the bills ect. I spoke to him on Sunday and he told me that he is not ready to talk yet, but when he is he will let me know, I feel like I am living in a nightmare, we have been through so much together, believe me more than a normal marriage, I am hoping that it is something he is going through, and in time he will be back. Today my best friend told me that she thinks he will never come back, I instantly felt sick to my stomach, will I ever feel whole again, will I ever feel wanted, will I ever feel loved, I hate what my life has become, some days I don't even get out of bed, I have never worked, as I always wanted to be a stay at home mom, I volunteered at my kids school when they were younger, went to every concert, (usually alone), every sporting event, and now he is the kids hero, I don't know what to do to get past this, after 4 weeks he still hasn't told me himself what he wants to do, how long do I wait?

    1. You are in the depths of the absolute WORST part of, friend. The depths. I remember exactly what it felt like, and if I could be there to nurse you through this I would.

      He had your DAUGHTER tell you that he moved out? Nice. That right there speaks volumes about him.

      So you have a cottage, you've been a SAHM for 26 years and he's currently paying for everything? Sounds like he's making plenty of money. You were married almost 30 years, friend...that's a lifetime. Have you consulted with an attorney yet? Get that best friend of yours, the one who was honest with you (those are the BEST kind of friends) and see if she'll go with you to visit a couple of lawyers. The consultations are usually free of charge and you'll get a chance to see if you like what they have to say.

      I'm so, so sorry that you're going through this. It sucks. But listen to me: You are worthy of more than this. YOU WILL FEEL WHOLE AGAIN. That other stuff, the wanting to be wanted, the love, yeah...that will come too. But right now you need to focus on getting up out of bed, opening up the curtains, making a cup of coffee and starting this new chapter...no, really starting this new BOOK that will be your life.

      This is the hard part. Getting through these first black days. But you can do it. Don't wait for him to come around, don't wait for him to talk about it. There may be a day when he decides to talk to you, and yes..you should listen. And who knows, maybe this is him snapping or having a mid-life thing, but until then, you need to focus on YOU.

      You raised kids, my dear. You are strong. You can do this. Please check back.


    2. Had your daughter tell you??! Is that worse or better than finding out via a text? A TEXT!!! After a 22 year marriage (did this one week before our anniversary, no less) and after knowing each other for 30 years total. A TEXT!!! Unreal.

    3. I also received the" I'm moving out text" 3 weeks ago. This April would have been our 22 year anniversary. I lost so much respect for him after that text I may never take him back. (I would let him know that by text)

  28. I guess my story is similar to everyone else on here, except I never married my douchebag. I did, however, waste slightly over ten years on him and give birth to his child. Long story short, we went through difficulties and split up. Shortly afterwards, he started seeing a girl about twelve years too young for him. Since I then lived in a different state, I didn't find out until almost a year after they had started. OF COURSE, he would call me everyday and profess his love and sleep with me when he came out to visit me and our son. Once I found out about her, he was "torn" between us and desperately wanted to work things out between us and be a family again. Against my better judgement, I allow my child to visit him for this summer. Low and behold, douchebag marries "teenager" two seconds after my child gets off the plane. So now, he calls to tell the news of the wedding and that he was "railroaded" into and she proposed to him, and he almost didn't show up to it, and he still loves me and wants to be with me, and this marriage "isn't permanent." I mean, WTH?!? Who does this?!? Now he calls and cries that this is the biggest mistake he's made and that he's having second thoughts and all I can do is wait out the summer to get my child back in my state so I can slam him in the courts for custody and over a year of back child support. I feel like I'm going crazy in addition to the hurt and bewilderment. Any advice?

    1. Holy buckets. My advice to you would be just what you wrote yourself: wait out the summer to get your child back (although I'd move hell and high water to get my kid back EARLIER)...get that looney tunes into court and get your custody written in stone. And get cracking on the child support. Now that he has another child to support (haha, just me being the bitter old divorcee, sorry, I meant a new wife).

      You were with him for ten years, my friend. In most states that's considered a common-law marriage and I may be mistaken but I do believe you have most of the same rights as someone who was legally wed. I could be wrong though so please, Please PLEASE get thee to an attorney ASAP. Message me with what state you're in, I'll try to look up some good attorneys for you.

      What he's doing to you now is trying to keep you as an open option in case this new marriage of his fails. A lot of them do this...they are all "Oh look at me I can get a younger chick, aren't I a stud" but inside, they are terrified that it won't work out and they know if they keep Plan A (which is YOU) on call they can go back. I did this, and hated myself for it in the end. Don't be someone's fall back plan. You're worth way more than that.

      Check back please. Thanks for writing!

    2. I have been there, he thought he wanted something else. When it came to the reality he was bent out of shape and did not know how to handle it. He thought he could do it, but he found out he was not up to it. Being with someone so young will show him he is out of his depth, but he left and he has to face up to his actions. It is never a reason to seek to go back to his wife, but many men seek that. A dose of reality will do him good, and he needs to be responsible for his actions and not just walk away again.

  29. I have been faced with sexual harrasment at my previous job which my husband claims it was my fault. I didn't tell him when it occured that the man grasped my ass. My husband has anger problems. I am very pretty and this has happend to me at other stages in my life, being without him. Now he thinks twice about everything that I do and questions everything, It has come to the point that yelling and pointing out each thing I do wrong, is a daily routine. I have found myself saying sorry for everything that I do or not do. He b@*chs about eveything as to calling him back, you said, I said, why this why that etc.... Now, he feels everything I say and do is a lie. I don't know if this is a sign of my 17 yr marraige ending, but the abuse just goes on and on he doesn't even want my sorry's anymore. I find myself thinking twice of each step that I may make or say. I don't have any friends for he is very controling and abusive. I find myself afraid of what to say to his questions because he reacts to everything by yelling. I have said to myself I would never accept my man to hit me and it has gotten to the point that he has hit me once and even harrased that he will kill me. I hate myself for accepting this. for which he says he love me too much, and I'm the problem always lying. But even though I don't lie anymore and promised, he still thinks that I'm lying. We are the kind of relationship that are always in contact with each other you see me working and on the phone with him in lunch and on the phone with him, no time for friends or hobbies, he doesn't even let me breathe my own air somtimes. I don't know what I should do. Is this an abusive relationship or am I really the problem that doesn't do anything right and always find myself feeling guilty for everything. He says I always have and excuse and never take real responsibility for what I do, and end up doing it again. Now he wants to leave me and I somehow feel releif but sad for about to loose every effort that we have strive to keep things together.

    1. So sorry it's taken me this long to reply, but girl....LEAVE. Leave and go to the police and talk to them about filing charges for spousal abuse, or at the very least talk to someone about a restraining order! He's threatening to KILL YOU. This is a classic abuse situation and I'm surprised you've survived 17 years of it. Does he drink or do drugs?

      Ok I just got to the end of your comment (sorry I jumped the gun, but I got mad!!) and you say he's leaving you? GOOD RIDDANCE. I know you feel sad, my dear, and that is a normal, human thing. You are mourning what was, what could have been and what should have been. What you had was not ok, not healthy and not good. Are there kids involved?

      Please check back and give me an update. I am concerned about your safety.


  30. My husband of 22 years told me and our children at the end of May he wanted to go to counseling to save our marriage after our vacation in June/July. On the 1st of 2days of traveling home from vacation, he informs me he's moving out and won't be going to counseling. And its my fault and doesn't understand why I'm hurt and mad as hell. By the way I just left my family and support system, which are again a 2 day drive from where I currently live. Why couldn't have been a real man and left in May innstead of giving.us all false hope.

    1. I'm so sorry. He did this because when they start to plan how they're going to leave you, they think that if they have one last "hurrah", such as a family vacation, they will leave you all with golden, fun memories. It's kind of like giving a dog a steak dinner before taking him to the vet to have him put to sleep. Except with the dog, it's because you love them. With the husbands leaving? It's because they're cowardly poops.

      My educated guess here is that he has a girlfriend. And maybe she was upset that he went on vacation with you and the kids, and most likely gave him an ultimatum. Which is why he did an about-face.

      So, he told you it's your fault? Did he say why? Were there signs of trouble any earlier? Him working late, lots of cell phone calls, texting, trips, anything?

      A two day trip does suck, but here is where we thank all that is good and holy for cell phones and internet. Do you have some friends where you are now?

      Has he gone to an attorney yet? You need to do that ASAP. Also start to do some of the stuff I suggested in my original post. Do you have access to the bank accounts, charge cards, etc? Start looking. If he's still in the guilt phase, which means he'll still pay for everyting..do this: every time you go grocery shopping, by extras of things like cleaning products, paper good, tampons, shampoo, soap, etc. And buy gift cards. Gift cards for gas stations, restaurants, etc. You may need those in the near future. A good friend told me about this and I really wish I had done it.

      In the meantime, here's a hug ((())) Thank you for reaching out, and please check back. Let me know what's going on. You will get through this.


  31. My husband of 10 years just left me and my 5yr old last Monday. I feel like I'm in a haze. I look around and I feel so consumed but I know I need to get moving. I can't keep wondering why? I have been with him for 18 yrs. We were high school sweethearts. I have my faults and I know I didn't show him love (I'm not an affectionate person) but I feel like he knew this when he married me. We seperated a year ago (I left him) and a year later after begging and pleading for us to get back together (the begging on my part), we did. We fought a lot but I felt like I was constantly under a microscope and he nitpicked everything I did or didn't do.I know there isn't anyone else ( another woman) I am having a hard time as is my 5 yr old. I cannot understand why after 18 yrs together he would just give up the fight?

    1. Hey there, so sorry this has happened to you. The reason you feel like you are in a haze is because you REALLY ARE IN A HAZE! Be extra gentle with yourself right now, sometimes you just have to sort of "bob around in the water" during this time. It's survival, my friend.

      Please don't blame yourself, or try to find reasons why he left. He left because of something within HIM. Were you the perfect wife? Hell no. None of us are. Did you guys do any counseling after you got back together?

      So where did he go? How did he tell you he was leaving? Have you talked to your 5 year old about it yet? You are in the hardest stage right now. It will get easier, ok?

      Please let us know how you're doing. Check back soon.


    2. Jenny, we tried counseling a few times and it never worked because he doesn't like anyone telling him things he doesn't want to hear (like it's time to leave your mom and cling to your wife). That was a lot of of problems was we eventually got to where we don't like or care for each others family. I am starting to see that I was emotionally abused for years. Evey argument we had was about what I never did right and I totally feel like a failure in everyway. My daughter is having a hard time because we seperated before (I left) and we got back together after being seperated for a year. She's torn, poor baby, and I'm trying to console her as much as I can but I'm finding it hard cause when she cries for him I get so angry that he could just up an leave and give up on us. I was always taught to fight for what you want and believe in. I feel like a failure to my daughter because of how much she is hurting.

  32. Dear Happy Hausfrau,
    My boyfriend of almost 8 years left me some days ago. We have a child together - and I am longing to be your emotional state of mind right now. My world got crushed because he led me to believe all was fine , and then dropped the bomb, that he didn't believe in a future with me anyways. He had me believe that he would eventually propose - but he never did.
    I would rather have had him tell me, he had another - because then I would have a reason to be angry.
    Right now - I know most is plain fear. Fear of the unknown future...and that I can't do anything to change the choice he made.(and I don't want to - because as adults, we need to respect choices).I do, however, disagree.
    I have to congratulate you, for getting so far - and to let you know, that your words of comfort travel great distances...I am living in Scandinavia, so that is on the other side of the world..
    Heartbroken woman

    1. Hi Heartbroken...I'm so sorry you're hurting right now.

      I love what you said about how as adults, we have to respect the decisions our loved ones make. That is true, very true....but I have to add that when those decisions HURT other people, it's ok to be mad and hurt.

      Don't let me fool you, I am nowhere near 100% yet. But I am on my way. And you will be there, too. It takes time.

      Sounds to me like you may have a chance to get things right with your significant other. If it really is just cold feet, he may get over that. The question will be: do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who would walk out on you over cold feet? What happens if you or your child get sick (like, really sick). What happens if you face some awful financial burdens? What if you get back together, and you decide to marry, and the cold feet come back again?

      I'm not trying to be Debbie Downer here, I just want you to think about yourself and your little one. You are, like the person who wrote in just before you, in the THICK of it right now. That horrible hazy part where you're just trying to survive every minute, every hour...

      In your case I would advise talking to to him, see if it's really cold feet or if there is something else going on. I'm not sure what the laws are in Scandinavia, but please look into getting some legal advice about your financial situation as well.

      THANK YOU for writing. I wish you peace and comfort. Please check back.


  33. I am lost, my husband (2nd marriage) just broke the news to me yesterday that he is leaving me for the same women that he left me once before. When he came back, i took him back..it was not an easy journey.. Where have I gone wrong. He says that I am to be blamed..my attitude that made him sick of me.I have my daughter from my 1st marriage whom she has taken him for her father since she was 4 years old. I am lost and in fear..not sure how am I going to go about everything. Emotionally, financially and physically. I am afraid that I will grow old and lonely in this world once my daughter grows. This is very hard since its the 3rd time I been left for another woman. Once by my fist husband and twice by my second husband. Perhaps there is something wrong with me.

    1. Hello vbabe! I'm so sorry you're dealing with this right now. But I want to tell you, EMPHATICALLY: There is nothing wrong with you!! It's them! Are you perfect? Probably not. But nobody, NOBODY deserves to be cheated on and then dumped. Shame on them, my friend, not you.

      Of course he says you're to blame. I have yet to read a comment here, or in emails, from someone in our situation who has been told the truth: "Sorry honey, but I can't be faithful. I am an immature, narcissist who can't keep my penis in my pants." They always, always have an excuse. And it's usually to blame us. We get fat, we're crabby, we don't take our clothes off in front of them anymore, we're too busy with the kids, with work, etc. It's always easier to blame someone else.

      Does your daughter have contact with your First husband? How old is she now? Guess what: she will be ok. Kids are AMAZINGLY flexible. She will be hurt, and confused, and probably pissed at him and you for a while, but she'll be ok. In fact, she will be the reason YOU will be ok. Because going forward, you're going to move on and get over this to show your daughter how strong and capable women are. She needs to see her mom recover from this and find a better life.

      Have you seen an attorney yet? Get to one, pronto. I'd move on this now, and try to get him to agree to pay for it. Do you have a joint checking account? Get some of that money out of there and into a new account that is YOURS ONLY. You have a limited amount of time while he will feel guilty for what he's done. It wears off pretty quickly so you have to act fast.

      I am mad at him, for you. Came crawling back, and you did what I think almost all of us do...took him back. And this is the thanks you get. And can I just say, what kind of woman is he leaving you for? Someone who would screw around with a married guy, and then DO IT AGAIN after he went back to his wife? She deserves him. They deserve each other. Let 'em go. But you make sure you are covered.

      Please let me know how you're doing. Your comment broke my heart. I hate knowing someone has to go through this.


  34. My husband walked out on me two weeks ago. We actually had a beautiful marriage and his news that he's "not in love (with me) and wants a divorce" completely shook me to the core. He said no to counseling and wasn't willing to even discuss this new development in our relationship. (Other than to say, "I don't want to be a grown up with responsibilities; I want to be a kid forever." I'm sorry, what?? He's 30 and I'm 28.) The day after he left he took half the money out of our joint accounts while leaving me with 100% of the bills. (And he continued to use the joint bank card after taking the money. Got that closed real quick.) He hasn't contacted me except for two texts to say he needs to pick up his stuff, though I've called, texted, and emailed him. I've been devastated: had my first panic attack, had to withdraw from school for the semester, missed work. Luckily, I have incredibly supportive parents who live near by or I'd be flat broke in no time. (I took a big cut in pay and hours with a new job after getting married. We agreed I should focus on getting through school as fast as possible and he would be the bread winner until I graduated. If I had only known...)

    The two major differences between myself and all of you wonderful women: no kids and we had only been married fourteen months not years. While my heart is broken and my body is still in shock, I am also so grateful. After reading your stories I am so thankful that, if he was going to be the kind of cowardly husband who just up and leaves without warning, he did it now instead of years down the road.

    Thank you all for sharing. And thank you to the original author of this post. You've given me the strength that I desperately needed. I hope you all are on the path to healing and happiness.


    1. Hi Jessica....I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Thank goodness your parents are nearby. Where is he staying? Are you close to his parents or family at all?

      As far as the bills go: what are they? Did you guys rent or do you own a house? If his name is on most/some of the bills you won't be stuck with them. In fact, I'd go so far to say if there are any with JUST his name on them? Stop paying.

      Sounds like you are able to see things pretty clearly even through the grief, and that's a really good thing.

      You guys are pretty young, I wonder if he really is having a super early mid life crisis? Has he been hanging out with his friends a lot? Whatever the reason, like you said: better that he showed his true colors now instead of years from now. There is always a silver lining in these stories, and that, my dear, is yours.

      I'm so glad you found our little page, and found some comfort here. It's not a great thing to go through, but I can guarantee that you will come out of this a wiser, stronger woman. Sounds like you already are, though!

      Thanks so much for sharing your story. I wish you nothing but the best!


    2. I have no idea where he's staying.

      I'm very close with my in-laws. But because he won't speak to me it's put a strain on my relationship with them. They feel like they're caught in the middle which is understandable.

      Luckily we don't own a house together but unfortunately my name is on every single bill.

      And he's definitely having a crisis of some sort. I want to be supportive and help him through whatever it is. But I've read so many accounts of women who waited for their husband to come back just to have him leave again. I don't want to fall into that trap so I'm trying to keep a level head.

      Thank you for your support,


    3. Jessica, I see it's been over a year since your post. I'm going through an insanely similar situation and wonder how you're doing? --Val

  35. My husband just decided this past Friday that he wasn't happy and that he has been faking it for while that he loves me but he is not "in love" with me anymore.... We've been married for 7 years, together almost for 8... we have 3 kids one is his, one is mine, but sees him as a father cause his been in his life since he was 2, and one that we have together and he just decided he wasn't meant to have this life, he says I nag him to much and that he doesn't get to see his friends enough, when he goes out after work once a week and at least once a month if not more (sometimes) with his close friends.....

    I don't work, I was a stay at home mom, all our accounts are join and Im scare to do anything, it was a complete shock, we were fine (or at least that's what I thought) and two weeks before my 32 birthday he says all this stuff to me.

    He says that maybe if I had treating his son better then things maybe would of been different right now, but his son still here with me, if I'm such a bad person why leaving him here..... he doesn't want to talk to me and doesn't believe in therapy I'm scare cause I don't know where to start, I feel like I let my kids down and I feel like I did something wrong, I don't feel like eating or doing anything and I think that maybe the non eating is a good thing because I need to lose weight.... maybe that's why he left....

    I want my kids to be proud of the mother they have and I don't want them to hate him but I just don't know where to start....

    1. You are awesome.

    2. I'm in a similar situation, but my kids are in college. I'm so sorry for your situation. I'm trying not to blame myself and you shouldn't either. Its hard not to, you wonder what you did wrong. I knew we were having problems in our marriage, but we did nothing about it. That was the mistake. We just sulked in our own misery and became apathetic to each other. I too feel like a failure. In spite of all the verbal abuses he threw at me, I want to be able to try to mend our marriage, but it takes two and deliberate action. I found a program called retouvaille, that helps couples mend and recover. but my husband doesn't want to, he says, the marriage is over. http://www.retrouvaille.org/marriage-help.php

      if anyone one of your husband comes back. check this out and other programs under smartmarriages.com. books by Gary D. Chapman, 5 love languages, etc. If I get another chance, I would be proactive in seeking help instead of just "being nice" to each other and hoping we get along. My heart breaks for you and myself. Someone told me, Tomorrow will be a new day, somehow that comforted me. Let's take it one hour at a time. Your children are a good distraction, I have none at home and I don't want to call them too much to burden them. They seem to be handling the news well, very busy with their own lives. Good luck and God bless. Have faith that things will work out. I'm trying to remember that myself and trying to avoid self pity. love and peace

    3. Don't stop eating to lose weight you will lose your energy. When you need to work out where to start, you start on step one and work your way up. I got up each day and made sure the children had enough food and other necessities, I planned meals and kept busy doing the usual things, I was a zombie while i did this, the years of doing it made it possible. Please do remember yourself, i even forgot which year i was born so i could not remember how old i was, As for self pity, give your self a huge hug.

  36. Met my husband when I was 10, moved across street from him, married at 19, only man I've ever kissed even. Now 47 yrs later, He is 68, refuses to retire, very successful, small business, emotional adultry with female employeee, she has his passwords to email, computer, office keys etc, Ive never been allowed to have that. When he invited me to office one day, he went to purchase lunch for us and she was mean to me, I asked her just what her position was, she got mad and turned to leave room and my husband had just returned walking down hall in front of her, she grabbed his hand and instead of taking him in a office she took him in a closet to complain about me, I waited outside door and quietly said, this is not appropiate behavior, my husband said I was a trouble maker and he was taking me home, she was behind him smiling. we got to blocks from office and she called asking him if he was alright. I called her a name in car after he humg up and he hit me. The next day I moved out and filed for divorce, was heartbroken. six mo. later he comes to me, says hes learned his lesson, come home, I was lonely, scared, said it would never happen again, wanted to believe him, went home. Now three yrs. later she is still there, I am still crying, still abused and can not for the life of me find that woman that had the courage to leave again. Dont understand why Im still here. I go thru weeks of silent treatments from him feeling like I dont exist, he isnt hurting or crying and I know that, mad at myself for crying. Im handicapped, and cant walk long so getting a job is out for me to support myself, he says money is well hidden if I file for divorce again, says he would rather give up his business than give me a dime. That shocks me, because I had decided not to take half of his business, he has worked all his life for that and deserves it, all I wanted was alimony and a start at life, never wanted to hurt him or her, why not her, she adopted her dead sisters little boy that has major health issues so she cant be a bad person and my husband has many good qualites too. No one is all bad.. Forgot to mention though, she is a Felon, as a young person was arrested for drug dealing, my husband doesnt care and I worry all the time that she is given so much control of the business. He relies on her for everything. There is so much more that has happened here, so very much more. Just
    so afraid for my future, dont know what to do, where to go, have no work background, went from mom dominating me to husband doing that, always abused. Want to be strong, had counseling , well that sucked, first one fell asleep while I was talking, secong one was good but moved to new office and didnt tell me when I had appt. third one too nice, didnt help at all. I have no friends here and no family. Gave up my art , my facebook everything lately that gave me any pleasure, I think its self punishment for being so stupid to stay and yet no strength to go, what happened to that woman three years ago that didnt blink an eye, just left, I want that strong woman back, fell so weak, so beaten down, so tired now. I know its self pity talking but cant seem to stop crying and doing this, so darn lonely and sad. Force myself to get out, to move, to talk , to smile, but when alone, I just cry and talk to god over and over for help. How did I get to this point in my life that I have nothing to show for all these years but co dependency, and loneliness. I want so much to be strong, to love myself as much as I loved him.

    1. You are strong! Your strength has carried you through years of abuse. Prayers for you to find some solutions to be able to leave him.

    2. My heart hurts for you....it is over a year since your post and I pray God has answered your prayers and soothed your grieving...how I wish I were your friend and had been able to hold your hand in this darkness...

  37. My husband left once when our daughter was 1 and came back for 2 1/2 years. We have been married almost 6 years. We went through counseling and he had not mentioned his ambivalence to the marriage in one year. We were a happy family, I thought. Yes we needed to do more work on just him and I. I thought we were doing ok. He said he tried to get the feelings back he had in beginning of marriage but couldn't and he does not love me. He has moved out to his moms and we both have attorneys. The worst is watching our daughter act out and always ask for daddy to come home. I'm a stay at home mom which is what he wanted but I guess that will have to change. It just feels like too much.

  38. My husband is a big drinker and he lost his job last year. We have been struggling to survive and are losing our home. Lately he has been reconnecting with people on fb, mostly women that he chats to all the time. Two days ago he was drunk and started telling me how fat I am and how everything is my fault and talked about leaving. The past couple days he has been cold and unapologetic. Tonite he hit the bottle again, and after eating the dinner I got him, paced around oddly then just took his phone and wallet and left. My instints tell me he's out partying, probably with one of his women friends on fb. I'm scared as hell cuz I'm supposed to start RN school in August and I have no job and a three year old daughter. Now I have to wait for him to come back, wondering who he screwed but having no proof, and wondering if he is gonna say he wants a divorce. Then I guess I can drop out of school and go on welfare. My advice to any woman is NEVER LET A MAN TAKE CARE OF YOU.

    1. Kelli..I'm just getting caught up on comments here, I'm so sorry.


  39. Found your blog through HuffPost - I'm also in MN, also a mom to four, also divorced, though I was the one who left (no infidelity). All of these are very good advice. I hired a good lawyer, but I believed we would be amicable and we weren't; I wish I'd hired the more aggressive, more expensive lawyer right off the bat. Luckily I got some good advice from some other been-there, done-that moms, but I still worry I missed something.

    1. Thanks for stopping by! I have followed your blog. Sounds like things are working out okay for you.

      I think most of us hope that things will be amicable. And I think most of us end up disappointed that things are anything BUT amicable. Like I said, hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Divorce is not pretty, no matter what.

  40. Need your advice - my husband of 14 years has just told me he doesn't want to be married anymore - he says he loves me but can't be married - he has just turned 40 and I am sure he now wants a single life and believes the grass is greener. We have 2 children 12 and 10 both have autism so I am a SAHM and do not have an income - he is going to his mum's house and says he will pay the mortgage and bills - he says he needs to go and decide if he wants to be married??? I just don't know what to think ?? Surely he doesnt want to be together and to be honest I am now thinking after his behaviour that I don't want him!

    1. I feel for ya. My dimwit husband came home after a night at his mom's, (she told me she won't let him live there), and now it's just either him drinkin and telling me I am a horrible wife or strained fake civility in front of the kid. He is 42 and seems to think he is some prize that should lead a life of fun and I am a fat loser. Last night I laid in bed thinking, hey, I have actually gotten to the point where I may not love him now. There's only so much we can take before our inner voice tells us it's time to buck up and try to start fending for ourselves. I feel badly for you with the kids, but if you decide you don't deserve his bs anymore, you're right.

    2. The more I go through it in my head the more I think why the he'll should we put up with this sh**? We as women and individuals deserve more than to be treated like something that doesn't matter. If these stupid, immature 'men' have decided that they are 'all that' and that there is a better life then do you know what let them live it!

      All that matters now is me and my kids - I'm looking into getting a part time job - and if and when decides he wants to come back I can tell him where to go !!!

    3. Anonymous, how are things? Sorry, I'm just getting caught up on comments here.

      Get that part time job. Send the kids to his mom for babysitting if you have to. Get yourself ready for whatever lies ahead...if things work out, GREAT. You'll find that having even a part time job is such a good thing...building your confidence is good no matter what your marital status.

      If things don't work out, you at least have some source of income coming in. Win/win.

      Please let me know how things are going!

  41. My husband of 7 years (12 years of being together) decided to walk away to go be with his girlfriend and her 6 kids. We have 3 kids and she has 6 so together they have 9 kids!!!! It has been 46 days since he left and I can't stop thinking about him or him and her. She has been married twice before and I am sorry for saying this but she gets around! I found her on Facebook just so I can see what she looks like and I don't get it! I'm the hottest thing in town but, she has nothing on me! What kills me is that we made vows before GOD to always love each other through sickness and health, for better or worse till death do us part and he just walks away from his family. He sees the kids maybe 4 times a month and thinks that is okay. And nine times out of ten he calls me to take them back sooner cause something came up! For 12 years I gave this man everything! His own family didn't help him out when he needed it, I DID! He didn't work for 3 years and I had to pick up another job to support the family and had to put the kids into daycare cause he didn't want to watch them. Yes, I am stupid and I should be happy that he left but I am miserable. When I think I am doing better, he will call or come over to get the kids and just seeing him brings me to tears. He is MY HUSBAND, why does she get to have him???!!!! I know I sound crazy but it is the hardest thing I ever had to do. I have only been with him and now he is gone. This BI@#$ is even planning their wedding and we have not even filed for divorce yet. I tried to but he wont sign the papers. Says he is not ready for that, and that he went off on her for talking about marriage. He says he would love to come home and be a family but he is afraid that things will just keep getting worse if he does. Well HELLO, you cheated and walked out on your family DAMN straight things will never be the same. And that he loves me and always thinks about me. I want to punch him in his face at times but I have been trying to be the nice guy and I shouldn't! He did say he was sorry that he did not want this to happen it just did and if he could take it all back he would. He has asked our children 4 different times in the past 46 days if they want him to come home and they say yes and then he will call me saying we need to talk and then when we talk he will ask me if I want to fight for our marriage like we have never fought before and when I tell him yes I do, he still stays with her. I'm so STUPID!!! I let him get to me every time and I do not know how to get myself to the point where I tell him to go FU&% himself. I have lost 10 lbs and I barely sleep anymore because every time I try to sleep all I do is dream about him and her being together. Oh and she is still married as well!! I have a huge support system but I can't stand to listen to them because they have never been through this. I am losing my mind!!!!

    1. First of all: YOU ARE NOT STUPID. Okay? Repeat after me: I AM NOT STUPID.

      He's stupid, the skank he's hooked up with is stupid. YOU are not. Is it stupid to believe that the person who has slept next to you for a dozen years, the person you reproduced with, the person who promised to love you forever...will stick to his vows? That he'll be a decent husband and father? If so, hit me up with that stupid stick because I believed all of that, too.

      He's doing the back and forth thing with you. A lot of them do this. They're in the "choosing" mode. Weighing the pros and cons of each woman. Mine actually came back to us, only to leave again after a year. I can't even begin to describe what this did to our kids.

      You have to grow a set, my dear, and start erasing him from your heart. Think of it this way: does he have YOUR best interests in mind? Your children's best interests? No. Nope, no way Jose. He is thinking only of himself. And that's not cool.

      Please check back in and give me an update. I'll be thinking of you!

  42. Thank you for this post and part one as well. I have been married for 18 years and a month ago my husband just out of the blue says I haven't loved you for 2 years. He left and has not been back. Her I sit a housewife, college grad who cannot find a job because I have no experience because I have been the stay at home wife/mother to our daughter that he wanted while come to find out he has a new woman and he has not even been gone a month. We have barely filed for a divorce. So reading your blog has given me some hope that there is some better things to come my way and that there are some things I need to make sure I do on this journey of divorce. So, thanks again!

    1. Ugh. First of all, you are most welcome. I'm sorry you had to come find me, but I'm happy that my words have helped you a little bit.

      You have a degree? Sister, you are well armed. What's your degree? Can you find at least a part time job for now? You will most likely get some nice alimony and child support for a while, so no need to get 100% panic stricken yet. But plan, plan PLAN on the future, starting now. Put your feelers out, tell EVERYONE you see that you're looking to be a working girl again. You never know who will have a lead for you.

      There really are better things coming, my dear. Truly. I'm not going to lie, though, there are also some awful, soul-crushing things coming as well. These bad times will be the ones that build you up, though, so keep that in mind when times get really tough.

      Start right now, today, with the job thing. I always advice women to look at their kid's school districts. Schools are ALWAYS hiring, and once you have your foot in the door, that door stays open. One opportunity leads to another, and although the wages may not make you rich, if you play your cards right you could find yourself with a self-sustaining job.

      Please keep me updated. Thanks so much for sharing your story.

  43. Two days ago, my husband of 31 years left me. He says he was unhappy for 10 years. Yes we've had many fights, disagreements, miscommunications and threats of divorce, but when he left and told me he longer found me attractive, no longer wants to be married to me. doesn't care about our marriage, it shook me to the core.

    After researching online about marriages and counseling programs, I realize the things I should of done. His resentments are deep seeded and he holds and remembers every infraction I've done to him. I did not realize the depth of his wounds and hyper sensitivity. I am not a berating, nagging, demanding, critical wife, yet I didn't obviously give him the "stroking" and support and empathy he needed. I took care of the house, did the laundry, mow the lawn, raised our kids to be outstanding people. All he did was work and bring in the $. He feels I didn't chip in or help him pull the wagon. Raising two wonderful kids is not an easy thing today and he takes that for granted.

    his resentments piled up, and he started being critical, short tempered, intolerant, anti social, passive aggressive, verbally abusive and demeaning. My kids are in college or abroad and I have no one. While he is perfectly content being alone, going to restaurants or movies alone, I am not. In this empty house, I am so alone and sad. Unemployed for 7 years and I cannot find a job. He tells me there is no one else. I believe him, until I find evidence. He has not touched our bank accounts and says he will continue to financially support me until he cannot. I cannot help feeling desolate, and unloved and lonely. I practically begged him to seek counseling, texting him, sending him articles and links. He is resolute and tells him his decision is final. How can he be so certain? How can he throw away our marriage and family life? God, please help me have the strength to carry on. I have no one.

    1. You have me. And millions of other women just like us.

      How can he be so certain? I'll tell you why. Because like you said, he's been keeping track of every tiny little "infraction" you've committed. Yes, you were raising his kids, but that wasn't enough. Like you said..you didn't give him enough stroking.

      This sounds so much like my ex that it's scary. When we were splitting up, I was amazed at the stuff he'd pull out of his butt, accusations of how I wasn't there for him, how I didn't support him, how I was basically ignorant of his needs and wants.

      They are narcissists. Classic narcissists. There is nothing you can say or do to convince him that you did do your part in the marriage. He doesn't care. He's done. They divorce us in their heads long before they decided to do it in real life. They make their cases, they build up their arsenals of evidence, and in their minds, it's all said and done. NOTHING can change their minds.

      You are not the only one who has done the begging thing. Hell, I would buy books about the evils of divorces and GIVE them to my ex.

      It's time for you to pull on those big girl panties. I know it's hard, honey. It's so very hard. But you have to find the strength, somehow, and do it.

      Have you talked to an attorney yet? DO IT, NOW. Open up your own checking account and put as much $$$ in there as you can. He's still supporting you financially? Awesome. Go to Target, Walmart, the grocery store and stock up. Stock up on cleaning supplies, underwear, PAPER TOWELS, and get yourself gift cards. Stash it all away for now. And keep doing this until he stops paying the bills.

      In some ways, this is good that he waited so long. You don't have to worry about raising the kids solo. They are raised, and sounds like you've done a great job at it.

      Hone your skills, whatever they are. Start networking, start telling everyone you meet that you're seeking employment. Be careful though, because whatever you end up making as an income will factor into what kind of alimony you get. You've been married FOREVER. Your alimony should be nice. But after a while, you'll want to become self sufficient. Taking his money every month ends up becoming a sad reminder.

      YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK. I was in your shoes once. I thought I would die.

      I didn't. You won't. YOU WILL BE OKAY.

      Please keep me updated.

  44. just want to say thank you for this blog, just finished crying my eyes out. married 24 years 2 have two girls a teen and elementary kid.(just trying to be more anonymous)I kicked him out and he decided not to come back and it's been going on 3 months. he says he will always love and care for me. and he will do whatever to take care of me. he lives at an undisclosed location. I am in complete denial that he actually wants to live without me. I still love him. anyway I could go on and on, just want to say this site has helped me tonight. may not be coming back to it but really did appreciate this. maybe this will help me not to take his bullshit of its him and not me verbiage.
    I struggle with the idea of divorce because of the bible. I keep thinking this is something we should overcome and become stronger for it, but maybe not. anyway thanks for the heads up on preparation, I don't want to prepare for the worst but will now start. thanks again!!!

    1. You are most welcome. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

      Let me get this straight: he hasn't told you where he's living? Has he seen your kids in the past 3 months?

      We all still love them at first. That's what differentiates us from them. Like I told the commenter above you, men plan these things mentally long before they act upon them physically. You say you kicked him out..what led to that? Some of them don't want to be the bad guys, and so they act in such a way, they do things, that bring us to the ends of our ropes and WE end up being "the bad guys" who pull the trigger on the whole separation/divorce thing. Passive leavers, is what they are. Pfffft.

      It's okay to struggle with divorce because of the Bible. But let me tell you this: God or Jesus or whomever will always love you. And they don't want you to suffer. I struggled a bit with this myself, especially AFTER the divorce. I came to the conclusion that MY God wants the best for me. MY God wants me to be successful and to be a great mommy and a good person. That's the bottom line. Remember that the Bible was written a jillion years ago, and that we live in a very different world. Cut yourself some slack, okay?

      If you want to continue fighting for your marriage, go for it. I fought like hell for a couple of years and I don't regret one second of it. At the end of the day, I can say that I gave a shit about it. And that's a good thing. And who knows? Maybe you will be one of the success stories. It happens!

      In the meantime, please prepare yourself. Read the advice I've given the other women. Feather your nest and your checking account while you can.

      And sweetheart? It's definitely not you. IT'S HIM. Real men face problems, they don't run and hide.

      Thanks for commenting. Please check back!!

  45. I was married for 8 years (together for 13) and on 2/1/13 my husband came to me to tell me he had been cheating on me for about 7 months. Three days before our 8th wedding anniversary and two weeks before my first marathon. Nice. He was convinced I didn't love him anymore and that I would be glad to see him go. His mind was blown when I FREAKED THE FUCK out and said I wanted to go to counseling. I loved him. We had an almost 2-year-old. MY mind was literally blown. NO ONE saw it coming with my husband. Everyone thought he worshiped me and couldn't fathom that he has actually done it.

    We separated and started therapy but a little over a month later his sister and I caught him having drinks with her. I threw all his shit in the garage, told him to come get it by noon or it would be thrown away and then met with an attorney. Our divorce was final at the end of May (but we had been separated since Feb.) Long story short, I made some mistakes like continuing to sleep with him (we always had good sex) and sending some sad sack emails (I'll never love anyone like I love yooooooooou). The difference in my case is that I was the breadwinner and the house and cars were in my name only. I'm so grateful I didn't have to fight for anything monetary. Lucky, lucky, lucky.

    BUT, I did not expect that he would quit talking to the harpy. He hasn't stopped trying to get me back since. It's hard. Like really hard. He's seeing a therapist twice a week and is finally medicated for his depression. He got a better job and has started to grow up just a fraction of a bit. I started dating (YAY for new sex!), then got dumped (boooo, but a good learning experience), lost 20 pounds on the divorce diet (YAY for skinny jeans!) and now that I'm single again I have to constantly ask myself if I'm making the right decision by not taking him back. I struggle with it every day and it sucks. I feel like he's going to wear me down just by shear determination on his part. I really do miss him. But I also tell myself that I deserve to be with someone who isn't capable of doing that to me....this shit is hard ladies!

    1. Don't take him back. JUST DON'T do it. Mine came back 4 mos after the divorce was final and said he had ruined our lives (15 years, three kids, me a SAHM the whole time) and wanted us back after I rebuilt my life and returned to school. I didn't trust him and said no.. so he woo-ed me for a full year with great behavior and convinced me he had changed. I believed him. We got remarried, and guess what? Here I am 10 years later, in the exact same position. He started cheating nearly two years ago and I only found out about it when he left me two months ago with no warning. DO NOT trust a cheater.. as soon as they don't feel like they are being worshiped, they start looking for a new cheerleader to tell them how godlike they are. I highly recommend the book "the Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists". I just can't figure out why my husband isn't actually the picture on the cover, when the inside is 100% him.

    2. DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK! Please say you haven't! I don't know you and can tell you that your worth is greater than someone who cheats on you. Only a coward cheats. If he wanted out he could have told you before he went looking for a fall back plan.

      I just ordered the book "the Wizard of OZ and other Narcissists." I'm sure my ex should be on the cover too. lol

  46. Wow! So much of what I have heard here sounds like my situation. Six months ago, my husband (now ex) of fifteen years came to me and said that he believed he wanted a divorce. I couldn't understand it because I thought, except for being too busy, we loved each other and would never dream of leaving. I begged him, told him I would do whatever I needed to. He pretended to think it over for a month and then told me that he wanted out. I had been under the impression that things were going better that month and he had made me promise not to discuss it until a month had gone by. I was absolutely shocked. He wanted no counseling, and he immediately started boxing up my belongings. He told me he couldn't believe I didn't know this was going to happen. He said this even before that "trial" month. I was the one who had to leave, and I wasn't moving out quickly enough to please him. I have no proof of an affair, but my family, who believed we had a great marriage, thinks that that is the only reason why he would do something like this and want me out pronto. I've been divorced for two months now and have struggled financially and emotionally. Only after therapy have I begun to stop blaming myself so much. I was not a perfect wife and did my share of being critical and unavailable, but, based on what I have heard and seen, this was nothing outrageous and was not deserving of this kind of treatment from him. He never even told me that something was wrong until he was long past any form of help and just chomping at the bit to get rid of me. It is just insane. I've been wondering what would happen if he did come back and want to start things over, but I'm taking to heart what you ladies are saying. If he did it once, what in the world would prevent him from feeling dissatisfied with his life again and deciding to ditch me?

  47. Oh, and what do you think about no contact? I maintained contact with him until after the divorce (no kids, thank God), but then he said something deliberately hurtful and passive aggressive. I decided that that was enough, even if it hurt to do it. I was tired of making myself available to him to blame and kick around.

  48. First I want to tell you what a great person you are for taking the time and doing this! Second, I want to say that I think you are an awesome writer!!. You don't skip a beat, and you are really good at relaying the facts, while passing along some much needed humor, to help ease the pain of emotions we're all feeling right now. I feel like I found not only one friend by coming here, but many. My husband was a career soldier in the army until a deployment to Iraq messed him up. Everything turned upside down and although I tried my best to keep loving and nurturing him, the PTSD was a monster, and nothing I did ever seemed to be enough for him. I became depressed also and it was a horrible existence. Our 17th wedding anniversary just passed and he moved out 2 weeks earlier. After living with the grief and depression and the counseling, the medications and dr visits, the loss of income and jobs, it got to the point where we both wanted to leave the other, but I just didnt have anywhere to go with my daughter who is 13. After an argument over nothing and him cursing at me once again, I decided to go for a drive and cool off. My daughter ran downstairs to meet me at the door and asked if she could come and bring the dog too. So I said sure, and then took the keys and told him I'm leaving. I did not pack or say anything to the effect that I was moving out. I drove to the mall movie theater and parked the truck. My daughter and I turned up the radio and sang songs and "people watched". It was fun and made us feel better. Half hour later I headed home and we arrived at our house. It was dark and totally locked up. I did not have keys because we havent locked the house in 10 years that we live here. (we have 3 dogs. Nobody is getting in! Lol) I told my daughter I'm going to have to call 911 and I did. I did not want to break into my own house knowing my husband has guns and is on medication. But the next day he announced he was moving out to live with his sister. Good, I thought. I thought a separation would help us. But he said he wanted a divorce. He took his motorcycle and then called a week later to let me know he was coming. He took the bus up here, rented a UHaul and came to the house and took his stuff. I am told to get an order of protection to prevent him from getting anything else out of the house. We have been frightened of him before, but while he was loading the Uhaul he was ok. My daughter was not. She came home from school, and then ran away because she didnt want him here. She came back an hr later and he ended up sleeping over because everything was running late. She was not happy about that. Next day, he took more stuff. I talked with a lawyer for free consultation, but cannot afford one. I am not working and have absolutely no money. He is not leaving me money to pay the bills.

  49. so sad reading this after 22 years of marriage and 5 y rs before that I am too tired to say my woes just that I am so sad now and I have read all the stories they make me feel I am not alone but still very lonely, sorry

  50. My husband and I had a fight. 2 days later he said he does not want to get back together and is moving 2600 miles away to we're his family is, we put the house up for sale as I can not afford to keep it he packed up all his stuff pt it in the trailer and was gone. Told me he still loved me and that we had things to work on then we would be back together. Now he is staying at his sons house has a new job and seems to be moving on it has only been 5 weeks. I miss him so much and love him more. I am also so mad that need just ran away and left me to sell the house pack up the whole house and move some were I have no idea were I am so stressed. I had a home before I married him but 2 years ago he wanted a bigger house that was our house not just mine so we moved. Now there is no way to keep this house because its to expensive and I will not have a home anymore. I feel so mad at him for just abandoning me and leaving every thing for me to handle so over whelmed with it all. Love him a lot and he is still calling me saying he loves me and we both just need to heal then we will work on things I don't no if he is just stringing me along I just don't no am I a fool to fight for my marriage or is there to much damage done with the trust. I do love him and want my marriage but does he ??

  51. Just want to say to all the women sitting on the fence about the benefits to the kids of staying with an emotionally/verbally abusive man who has been manipulating, lying and cheating on her--get out!

    BUT plan your exit financially first. Now I had a husband who was "willing" to stay with me and our 1 and 3 years olds, as long as I put up with the abuse and cheating. So my decision was really hard, because I felt so guilty even thinking about my children growing up in a split home.

    BUT once they lose respect for you, they will never get it back. They don't lose respect for you because of some lack in you, but rather because they are selfish a-holes and none of us ever wanted to admit it, even though as an earlier poster commented, we all saw the signs a long time ago but lowered our standards to "give him a chance", "help him out" or "save him".

    Google narcissism. That helped me so much get over my ex-husband because I realized for the first time that he was INTENTIONALLY hurting me, because all he cared about was himself.

    Three months after I packed his bags, I am so much happier. I did take 8 months of pure hell and abuse to make my decision, during which time I reiterated constantly that we needed to go to counseling or it was over for me.

    Long story short, he basically abandoned his kids the first month, threatened to walk out on his business and work at Mcdonalds so I can't get any support out of him, etc.

    I have started training to become an accountant so that no matter how broke I might be right now trying to care for 2 toddlers, I am going to be well-off in the future.

    The hardest thing for me has been dealing with my kids' pain--where is papa? But they are both so happy now without the constant fighting and general chaos he created.

    I will always encourage him to be the best dad possible; even when he was super angry and insulting right after our separation, I focused on the well-being of the kids and gently tried to remind him that they missed him.

    BUT at the end of the day, you cannot make him be there for his kids. That is completely his choice, and I struggled with this, until I realized that I am not responsible for his decisions. I can only focus on being an amazing mom.

    I did wait to kick him out until 1) I didn't love him anymore, 2) I wasn't so angry anymore--minimal revenge fantasies, etc., and 3) he truly disgusted me. I read on Dr. Phil's website a checklist for whether you are ready for divorce and followed that to a T.

    So, I think that helped me a lot...while I fell out of love with him over those 8 months (while holding onto hope that he would want to save our marriage) he revealed his true self, to the point where he even hit me in front of the two kids. ONCE THEY LOSE RESPECT FOR YOU, it only goes downhill from there.

    So get out as soon as you know 100% he's wrong for you. You deserve so much better.

    Seriously, I was so scared of being on my own, but I am now so happy.

    I'm writing this on Christmas morning for all of you sad newly single moms out there.

    Life goes on, and you can be happy, very happy again, if you chose your own happiness over his. Being a great role model and a happy woman is one of the best gifts you will ever give your children.

    You don't have to forgive him, but do forget as much as possible.

    But protect yourself financially and legally! I am doing everything myself with the aid only of free lawyers, but that is because I have the patience to read in detail the laws of my province (live in Canada).

    Keep your head up, your life is about to get so much better even if it's initially a little harder financially.


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  53. On December 4, 2013, my husband walked in the house and said he wanted a divorce. He blamed it on me, my kids, our families, work, blah blah blah. On December 20th I let him back into my bed... and didn't learn my lesson when he decided he was going to up and leave to his parents for Christmas and leave me and my kids behind. I was dumb struck but stayed in "awe" of him? He moved out on January 1, 2014 and said we should take some time apart. He came back one more time and made me feel like a cheap piece of A$# (with new moves I might add). I wondered where all this was coming from. How did I not see it?

    However, just last week, I got this huge anxiety attack and just needed to see where he was living. So I checked the GPS on our computer that was registered to his phone, and went to the location. I knocked on the door and low and behold... my questions were answered. He said I was crazy... so I went CRAZY on him and his new woman. I told (yelled) her every scathing detail about who he was, what he's done, and she just sat their looking very stupid. As I left, he chased me down and did the whole, "baby, baby, baby... blah blah blah crap." I believed him for a millisecond. The next day I got myself a REALLY good lawyer. I borrowed money from anyone and everyone! Family and friends were so willing to get the "real me" back that I had plenty of money within an hour.

    We are no longer just going to split things down the middle and live happily ever after. That is not how life works and this is not a fairytale. Thank goodness I kept record of everything, and am so organized. Alimony is not for the weak... I thought that for a minute. However, I didn't choose this path... he did! Consequently, he needs to man up to what he has done and the fall out of his actions.

    As I look back, I saw this coming... I just didn't want to believe it was happening. Like when he changed all of his passwords, or said he didn't want to have sex because his testosterone was low? or I found "selfies" on his phone (I mean really? We aren't 16), or when he left til 3 a.m. and said he was thinking, or when suddenly he was staying later at work and working out a lot (she's seven years younger than him). Trust your intuition ladies. He was a pig from the beginning and I knew it. I just thought I could fix him.

    I am still in the first stages of divorce, but each day I get stronger. Like the blog says, don't think about the "other woman." She's not important. IN FACT, sadly she will probably just be another victim... the old cliche' "once a cheat, always a cheat" is true more often than not. She's working on the notion that he is "honest" and he's probably manipulated her into thinking I'm crazy. All I could do for her, I have done. That is warning her. The rest is up to her.
    I will learn to love myself again and never depend on a man for more than companionship. I hope and pray the same for all of you.






  56. To all of the commenters and author of this post, I'm sorry that you have all gone through what you've gone through. I am sorry your husbands left in such heartless fashion, abandoned their families and left you to pick up the pieces for yourself and your children. If they left you for another woman, or if that seems to be the case based on the evidence, I am sorry for the feelings of rejection that followed.

    However, all the man-bashing that's rampant here is not universal in all cases of men pursuing a divorce. I'm here to defend the handful of men who are justified in their decision to leave, although I don't expect to find any sympathy from anyone who sought out this blog.

    There is a sad double standard when it comes to divorce, and men are often on the receiving end of criticism if they are the ones who are unhappy and wish to separate. It's a sad state of affairs when a man wishes to end a marriage and he is immediately perceived to be having an affair. When a woman leaves, even if she IS having an affair, she is deemed justified in her decision because she was unfulfilled, unhappy, unappreciated, overworked, neglected, and so on. Any infidelity on the woman's part is often seen as a result of some fault of the husband, and the woman is celebrated for gathering the courage to walk away from the relationship. The men are simply pigs pursuing their secretary.

    Even in the case of affairs, rarely is the reason for infidelity purely physical. I have no sympathy for men who cheat on their wives simply because they can't control their sexual urges. However, the emotional issues that can lead a man to an affair (physical or emotional) are often ignored or deemed beside the point. If a man does not feel appreciated by his wife, is constantly criticized, berated and made to feel as if he can't express his opinion for fear of being made to feel incompetent, should he not be afforded the same sympathy as women when he finds himself unhappy? Must everything be his fault? Not to justify a physical affair -- or even an emotional one, at that -- but infidelity is often a symptom of a deeper, emotional disconnect with a person's spouse rather than a physical one. A man who finds himself attracted to another woman who listens and appreciates him is looking for that same connection that he no longer has with his wife. It's not always about chasing tail, but blogs like this play on that stereotype and are appropriately heralded by the female community that has felt themselves wronged by a man-pig.

    To the author, your ex-husband seems like a jackass and if what you write is true, then you are better off without him. That he has little to do with his own children proves that. However, not all men are in this boat, and I urge those of you who believe such to hold off on rushing to judgment when you discover a man (any man) has left his wife. As with most things in life, applying context in place of preconceived notions often paints a much more honest picture.

    Divorced men can still be good fathers, great fathers and amazing fathers. How good of a parent they are has little to do with whether or not they are still married to the child's mother. Furthermore, even if they were unhappy and mistreated in their marriage, that is not to say that the wife is a worse person. Sometimes personalities do not align and in the long run, problems become unavoidable. Marriage can bring out the best and worst in people, and regrettably the scales sometimes tip in the wrong direction.

    For what it's worth, I think this is a well-written blog post but it is obviously written with both middle fingers fully extended. Not all divorces follow this path, and not all men who leave are philandering pigs. Divorce hurts men as much as it hurts women. The pain of the leaver is different than the left, but that doesn't make it easier on either party.

    Finally, don't sleep with your ex if you know it's over. From experience, that's great advice.

    1. Thanks for your opinions, Anonymous.

      Obviously I don't feel that all men are pigs. I think I have reiterated that fact ad nauseam throughout my posts. I am raising three boys, and hope that they turn out to be wonderful men, husbands and fathers, if that's the path they choose.

      Yes, I suppose I wrote this with both middle fingers fully extended. And that's my right. For a long time, I was angry. There still is some anger, but now it's the residual kind, the kind of anger that flares up during times of stress or sadness or frustration. I'm still proud as hell of myself for not only getting through the hell (yes, hell, not being dramatic) that my ex-husband put me (and our children) through. I'm also proud of my blog, because my readers have let me know how much it's helped them. My one and only goal in writing this was to let other women know they aren't alone. Goal: met.

      I get what you're saying about the "emotional disconnect" and "personalities not being aligned" and "emotional issues that lead to an affair", but none of that EXCUSES an affair, physical OR emotional.

      If your marriage is not meeting your needs, you must be an adult and do one of two things: (and please note this applies to both men and women: I don't condone cheating by either gender)

      1. Talk to your spouse. Tell them EXACTLY what you're feeling, EXACTLY what you're missing and EXACTLY what you feel your options are. "If we can't work this out, I'm filing for divorce." It's really that simple.

      2. Consult a divorce attorney and begin the divorce process.

      Being unhappy or feeling emotional discord is not an excuse to have an affair. Not an emotional affair, not a one night stand, not an elaborately planned out love affair.

      Leave the miserable marriage, and THEN go play. It's as simple as that.

      I know there are divorced dads out there who are all kinds of amazing. I'm friends with some of them. I know there are women out there who are awful moms and who acted despicably before, during and after their divorces.

      I'm not anti-men. I'm anti-one man, the one I was married to who screwed me over and left me, and our four kids, high and dry. He was obviously unhappy during the last couple of years of our marriage. I accept my responsibility in that, really, I do. But...he had a choice. He could have talked to me. He could have been honest with me. I'm not an ogre. I loved him, and I believed in our marriage. I fought for it, until the bitter end.

      Unfortunately, he chose to go outside of our marriage. And when I finally had to file for divorce (he was already living with her, and was in zero hurry to file himself), he did everything he could to ensure my financial ruin. Everything. I won't even get into what he did (and didn't do) as a father. If you've read even a couple of my earlier posts, you know.

      Thank you for acknowledging that yes, I am better off without him. It's taken a long time, a river of tears and a whole lot of soul searching to reach this point. What he did to me will leave scars, but it's also strengthened me. And I hope to pass on some of what I've learned, along with mistakes I made, to other women who are in situations like mine.

      I don't claim to speak for every single divorcee out there. I can only speak for my experience. And sadly, there are millions of other women who have gone through the same thing. Those are the women I write for.

      Again, thanks a bunch for sharing your opinions. Take care.

    2. "When a woman leaves, even if she IS having an affair, she is deemed justified in her decision because she was unfulfilled, unhappy,......." This is untrue. Having an affair is never justified and I haven't read any one here saying it is. Even in general, most do not justify this behavior. When you take your vows, it is an agreement with each other and God. "For better or for worse". You make big life decisions (like having children and leaving a job to raise them) based on this agreement. I thought the "worse/worst" would be a car accident that left my husband incapacitated. I was willing to wheel him around had that happened. It was forever- "The two become one" . Make the best of it. People change - churches/clergy inform most couples of this during marriage counseling prior to marriage. They tell couples that there will be really difficult times. And......you understand, agree, and continue to take your vows....again, "For better or for worse".

      If she is "incompatible" get help and be specific as to what you need her to work on. Don't just give up and talk about an "emotional disconnect". This is BS. Quit thinking of just you. An honorable man thinks of the family and how things will affect the WHOLE family. He makes the best of his life and continues to love his family.....yes, his wife too. That is how our elders stayed married for 50 - 60 + years. It wasn't a picnic, be they held the family together and were examples to the younger generations. When you leave your wife with her problems (the" emotional disconnect"), your new partner will eventually (after the fireworks, hearts, etc...honeymoon is over) unveil her own problems. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence......until you get there.

      No one promised you a rose garden. That's not life.You make the very best of your marriage. Choose to be happy. If you have problems with depression....get help. But our society is on a course of "me, me, me, me". What about the kids that are brought into this world. Be an example, the kind our grandparents were. Be a decent,honorable man......a man or his word. Quit this "emotional disconnect" crap. Great leaders put their country before themselves. Great men put their families first (that includes your wife).

    3. (Two responses up, last paragraph) I meant "Be a man OF his word" :) You gave your word/promise when taking your vows. As the saying goes "A man is as good as his word".

      Jenny, Thanks so much for this blog. It is really eye-opening to read so many other similar experiences. It helps to validate pent-up thoughts and emotions.
      Thank You!!

    4. Thank you so much for reading. I hope things are going well...and if they aren't, hang in there my friend. It gets better, I promise.


    5. All people were bought with a price we are not our own. A man actually takes responsibility for his wife, his family and his marriage when he 'vows' to GOD it is for stewardship of his spouse FOR LIFE.

      I say AMEN to anonymous up there ...

      God created man and he made marriage for the purpose of maturing people through a lifetime of serving HIM by serving and protecting on another and learning from the Word HOW we are to submit to GOD and learn by DOING what God has given us to do.

      Love is actually defined by the Ten Commandments as a summary of what Love 'looks' like when applied to life's decisions.

      My husband of 33 + years ...had a 14 year adulterous Arrangement [ I'll be darned if I will called it an 'affair' like it was some kind of party] ...this sin also brought forth two children which SHE wanted to be a 'single mom by choice' ....I discovered this quite by accident.

      He had NO reason whatsoever for doing this as I home schooled our children always did whatever I could to work with him and to live life as a couple. He did not want to open up and function as a married man.

      We started marriage with knowing the Lord and he slide away as he did not want the kind of effort that it takes ...

      He moved out Nov 2013 to get the 'separate life he has 'always ' wanted" ....what a crock!

      He does not have anything to do with the OW but 'despises her for what she enabled him to do!"

      Way to take responsibility for his actions !

      We might have had a better chance to heal and keep on going together but his guilt and his attachment to the children plus her continued manipulation by way of creating 'crisis-es ' regarding the children has exhausted any efforts being made.

      I pray that the Lord will do HIS will in this , I believe marriage is ONE flesh and no matter how many people and lawyers agree to what man may want ...a VOW to GOD is going to be called into account.

      I am 67, and had two different careers that were successful but I quit them to be a stay at home mom and train up our children . They are all very stable and trust in the Lord despite the father they have ...that too is evidence of the God who loves us and when we are faithful HE will provide and protect ...even as I had NO idea that my husband was cheating on us ...I always thought he was working really hard .

      His being discovered to be such a skillful liar and deceiver and his willingness to take all of his income and drain it away on this OW over those years is not an easy thing for me , especially how he could deliberately have other children ...The hurt it must cause for them is unimaginable but they are really amazing people.

      Many men have stolen their children's childhood by insisting upon extending their adolescence into their 30's,40's and 50's.

      Our two adult daughters are of marriageable age but their father's legacy has derailed somewhat this hope. They have taken the purity road and never dated,

      Due to my husband's grand career and climb up the corporate ladder we have moved so many times we have no connections to speak of . We have found church but after such a' 'great guy' has pulled such a con on his very own family it is hard to trust ....but we do lean upon the Lord .

      Every day tho it is a big challenge ....seven years past D DAY and the pain is still very deep.

    6. .Continued ......What bother's me is how he wants to develop more relationship with the children ...and it seems wrong to me in that they want to honor him ...but he pays not attention to their need to SPEAK to him of what his sinful behavior does to them.

      As far as the children of adultery they are growing up in a godless arrangement and are being taught what their mother and he did 'hurt a lot of people' that does not TEACH them anything .

      I feel that there is a terrible reckoning for them all since they have not been taught anything of how to avoid accepting sinful choices as 'normal' and nothing of how to avoid making decisions that are very dangerous .

      One day too they are going to be able to discover the veneer of this man who they think of as their father just as our children have had to realize.

      The lengthy deception of a 'great guy, great family man , and overall wonderful man' being reveled to be the person who could DO this to those who he 'loved ' with cunning and deliberation is appalling .

      He HAS HAD all the info he has needed to avoid this from happening AGAIN but continues to make his choices to hide truth rather than live uprightly. He understands all of this so it is not like he is not responsible for his choices.

      The is an dark and evil age we are living in.

    7. I am sorry for your pain. You are singing the song of so many women on this blog. The similarities in the husbands described in this blog is uncanny. I hope you find peace, happiness, and a better man:)

  57. Well, mine asked me to sit down because he had something to tell me. He was a musician all of his life. Lost hearing in one ear and got a job working for homeland security. I moved away from home family and friends, first to New Jersey, second to Vegas, third to Florida and now I am back home in Pa. I was previously married as was he. We managed to go all lthrough my money from my divorce. Now, we have absolutely diddley squat. He was fired from his job in Florida (homeland security) and I told him then that I wanted to finally go back home and be near my daughter. We drove here and started to make a new home in September. It has been 7 months now. In March, I had to fly to Florida as my sisters husband was passing. He had 2 weeks alone. Anyway, back to his wanting to talk to me. He said, I had a call from my old agent in Vegas.....I stopped him immediately and said woah back up, Lets start this conversation without any lies. You called him, right?..He said yes and that he had a job offer and is leaving for Vegas in May. I supported him for 30 years. Working as many jobs as I could because he just was not bringing in enough money. I am now 67 years young and I am a nervous wreck Crying daily, but thanks to your post, I am going to try and stop that. Thanks so much for all of your wonderful information. Connie

  58. Thank You for EVERYTHING in Part 1 and Part 2. Every word helps me understand "I will be OK" It all feels like a bad dream. I never expected this. 20 yrs of marriage poof- gone and For What? I guess I will find out eventually. I just take one day at a time and take care of my child.

  59. Thank You so much for the sense of Hope! 20yrs marriage poof- gone and for what? Guess I will find out eventually. They make you feel so aweful inside and blame you for everything! Well, he walked and I didn't! I have a bright future ahead of me and nobody will ever treat me like again:) I will be OK!!!!

  60. I am going through the same things many of you are going through.I made the mistake of being unequally hooked as was my mother. My parents were going through a divorce when my father killed my mother and then killed himself. I never received counseling or therapy and that is affecting me now at 47. My husband has in formed me that he has wasted 15 years of his life with me because he let me take advantage of him by letting me stay home with the kids and not doing the housekeeping like I should have. I'll admit that I haven't been doing my part there. I've been depressed most of my life and only wanted to sleep as the depression got worse.A few weeks ago I finally got into therapy, I'm finally(I hope) getting the right dosage of meds and trying to get the house cleaned and organized while raising two boys.One autistic. His parents are trying to move to another town so he can move into their house across town without me. I have no job and he's made it where I don't have access to "his" money. Divorce is imminent. We don't love one another anymore (if we ever did) and I'm about to loose my family again. I have one best friend who lives too far away to see and I'm about to be abandoned again.
    Your words of encouragement to each other has helped me see I'm not alone. It's very hard to see past the emotional pain I'm feeling and make it through another day. God bless all of you in your struggles and pray for me as I will say a prayer for all of you.

    1. unequally yoked is what I meant

    2. Please don't take to heart the mean things your husband has said to you. As you can see from other posts, it is very common to hear those mean things from our husbands. They are reaching for something to pin their restlessness/adultery/midlife crisis/unhappiness on. Housekeeping isn't why your husband left. That isn't a reason to leave your marriage. Housekeeping is something one can conquer. One can find a solution to that.

      If you have no way to pay bills/ get groceries / general living expenses, see a lawyer. The lawyer can get an emergency court order to ensure that you and the children are taken care of until things are settled.

      Losing both parents in the way that you did is unimaginable for most people. The fact that you haven't received therapy for this is sad. I think maybe you have neglect YOU over the years. So glad you are getting therapy and focusing on YOU. So many of us have felt hopeless and wondered how we were going to make it through the day. What ever it takes to get through the day! Take it one day at a time. A phone call to a good friend can be medicinal:) I hope you find peace and happiness (As time passes from the initial months of shock, it does get better. It took me a year to find peace after my nightmare). I will pray for you!

  61. The best book I read after my husband of 33 years walked out on me, was Runaway Husbands by Dr. Vicki Stark, whose own husband walked out on her for a girl friend. While my own husband didn't leave me for another woman, it still hurt me just the same, I felt used, abused and thrown out like I was garbage, The utter shock, disbelief amazement, and devastation is beyond comprehension, that any person can do this to someone they loved, even if they had fallen out of love, no one person deserves this type of treatment-ever!

    The best advice I can tell any woman (or man) that has been abandoned is to "treat yourself well" and also keep telling yourself, over and over again--- "It was him/her--not me-and I will keep my head up high, because I did nothing wrong to deserve this trauma.

    It's been 9 months now, and not only do I feel free of this horrible person, but given a new lease on my new life, one that is filled with joy, laughter, and adventures. I married my husband at age 23, and him 22, and no one assesses the type of person they should be with at such a young age. You are in love, in lust, in awe, and feel you will stay married for the rest of your life. BUT... looking back at my life with my husband (not yet divorced) that he sucked the life out of me. I am an extrovert, who loves to be around people and good friends, who loves to dance, garden, cook, etc, He, on the other hand never had friends around our entire marriage, except when he was in the Navy and we attended military events together. Even the few friends we had, but lost contact with over the many moves we did, I have recently reached out to them to reconnect, and they told me they thought he was never good enough for me, and didn't treat me with the respect I should have had as his wife and long-time best friend,

    My husband is a type A personality, reads a lot, runs, and is very goal orientated, who demands respect from others, but gives none himself. I, give and give of myself, and a type B personality, who has a bubbly personality, creative spirit, and wants the close friendships and camaraderie of others around, I can really evaluate all of my life now with my husband and know for sure-we should have parted ways many eons ago, He sucked the life out of me, and I gave up my life entirely for his goals and achievements.

    And the most astounding thing about my spouse is the searing fact that some people cannot apologize, and are not ever capable of doing so. Every relationship and marriage is with at least two people, and we all make mistakes and aren't perfect. I did apologize to my husband in an email for hurting him, and he accepted my apology, but he did not apologize to me-at all. I have read about this personality defect, and the conclusion is, some people cannot say they are sorry for anything they do, because either never learned how to, or think it is a sign of weakness or an attack on their personal character. You will die waiting for this to happen, because the can't.

    I understand that for every 5 years you were married to your spouse, it will take a year to heal from the pain and trauma from abandonment, I am 56 years old, and don't plan on waiting 6 years from now to start meeting people or even having another relationship with the opposite sex, I am scared now, and don't trust men as far as I can throw them but one day, I will. For now, I will enjoy leaving my toilet seat down, going shopping whenever I want, talk to whomever I want, dress like I want, because I will live my life without feeling guilty of being ME.

    1. I too read Vikki's book - the most helpful resource for women who have been blindsided by their "life partners". I reached out to her; she runs amazing workshops, Skype counselling sessions and retreats.

  62. On another note to remember--"What goes around comes around"... and eventually... he will get whatever is coming his way. You can't treat people like my husband did, because he has always been this way, it only took me 33 years to finally wake up and notice ---after he left me. It only took me 4 months to stop crying over him and realize I married a Socially and Emotionally stunted individual who thinks "he" is the "Only" victim. Wow!

    "Hell Hath No Fury As A Woman Scorned"!

    1. From a post I made on "Runaway Husbands"

      Yes, I too feel pity for a husband I once knew, the one I fell in love with 33 years ago, and the one who left me-not for another woman at all, but to run away from his adult kids and me-because he realized all the failures in his life, and couldn't come to grips with it all.

      I was a devoted wife, a military wife, a corporate wife and also a wife who supported every single dream "he had" and "he wanted" because I loved him. He was a driven man with huge goals in his life that he wanted to meet, and he got there-mostly because of me. While he was in the Navy as an enlisted man, I waited months for his submarine to come back from sea, When he took the officer exam and passed, I supported every opportunity for him to go to school, get his degrees, raise his 2 sons, and move all over the freaking United States-for his life-not mine.

      I gave up all my life for him, and then when he fell from grace, filled bankruptcy due to a failed franchise, and his adult sons who lived with us didn't measure up to his standards-one is disabled mentally-he left us all -like we were trash to be discarded.

      But I feel pity for him because at age 55 years old, he has nothing-not me, not his sons, not his dog, not his furniture, not any vehicles, no house that we own and rent (33 years of marriage he should have left me with a paid off home of my own)... and now he lives in a BIG RIG TRUCK he calls home, parking in truck stops. Wow, what a man.

      And most of all, I pity him because he is and always has been socially and emotionally stunted in his growth as a human being, He not only can't say he is sorry to me for the hurt and pain he caused me by leaving me without any discussion whatsoever, but he can't even call his sons on their birthdays, and won't acknowledge there existence at all, Wow, what a man!

      I used to think I wasn't good enough for him, but now know for sure... he wasn't good enough for me:-)

  63. My husband left me for his ex-wife and never told me. Said he needed to work in another state in order to provide for us because there was no jobs in the area that we lived in. Three months later his ex has pictures of the two of them together at restaurants and family events all hugged up together. When I confronted him and ask how he would have liked to be in my shoes and being lied to he said oh I would have found out eventually. Now I am just being ignored, no response to phone calls or e-mails and he has our car. I am not sure what to do at this point.

  64. My husband of 28 years walked out on me on Sunday - that was 5 days ago. So I guess the wound is still too fresh to think clearly. My heart is completely broken. He has sent me both nice and negative texts. He has called me a couple of times. The first time he called me was Monday night and he was extreamly negative and blaming all but himself. I slept really good that night without a tear in my eye. Unlike Sunday night when I couldn't sleep and instead cried all night long. For two nights I slept sound because the negativity made me happy he was gone. Yesterday morning he called me and I felt certain he was going to come home. I had mixed emotions about seeing him again. I wanted to welcome him home and try to work things out but I also wanted to help him pack his bags and leave completely. I haven't seen or heard from him again. I was both relieved and heartbroken when he didn't show up. Today I can't stop crying. He has cheated on me many times in the past so I know I should look at this as a way to finally be free of him and find my own happy. I hope that day comes soon.

  65. One day you will look back and realise you lost a real and wonderful woman while you chased a fantasy relationship. Even when you had no time for her and she was incredibly lonely, she never once looked elsewhere for another man, she loved you enough to have faith that things would get better and you would see how important she was in your life, after all you had been through together. She just wanted your time and your loyalty. She offered you both. You had something solid and tangible but you wanted the spark of a younger woman. I know that makes men feel good and youthful again but the grass is not greener on the other side. I'm sad that your mid life crisis has taken you from me at a time when things were starting to get easier. I'm sad for all women who give everything only to be left alone at this stage of their lives, once all the "hard" stuff is over and they have time to do the things they couldn't when they had the responsibility of their children. I hope it's all worth it. Good luck to you.

  66. can completely relate to the nth detail. ex left me in 2002 for the office skank ho, as she was called. he bought her a set of boobs and married her. he was fully involved with her before the paperwork was even final. add insult to injury, his mom emailed me wedding pics (accidentally, she said), an e-card telling the skank how wonderful she was and how happy she was to have her for her son (accidentally, she said), and told me her son would have his day of judgment (because, well, she was is devout, God-fearing worshipper). fast forward to last year. breast cancer claimed her boobs, and her ex hung himself.

    1. Vengeance is mind said the Lord!

  67. Hello, I am a new club member I guess. I am 29. Two months ago I came home to a note on the kitchen table and my husband of almost 4 years and partner of 8 years total, had moved out while I was at work. He had "been uphappy for sometime and didn't see how to fix it". So of course the answer is to runaway, into the arms of a new gf. This was in the middle of me getting diagnosed for endometriosis and all the hormonal ups and downs that come with that so I missed a lot of signs that I am sure where there looking back now. I have been lucky, we only have a car jointly, no kids, no house, I have a job, my mom rushed up here the next day to help with my medical stuff (which is doing good now) and to help me move closer to work. I have been reading Vikki's book religiously and it has helped and so has finding sites like this, to know I am not alone. I guess that is why I am posting, so someone else like me can know that they aren't alone, it isn't your fault and with friends and family I am starting to see at least a bit of a way forward. It might only be a few steps in front of me but it is so much better then the total fog of the first week. The worst (aside from realizing I was married to a 6 year old) has been having to re-home our border collie and cats, I couldn't afford them or find a new place that would take pets. I am trying to stay grateful things aren't worse but it is still very much one day, one hour really at a time. Having a good lawyer that is a friend of a family friend hasn't hurt either, served him the papers the day before our 4th anniversary, a small bit of justice in a way. Anyway, thank you for sharing your stories and for reading mine.

  68. Thank you for posting this,
    I have been trying to get up the courage to divorce my husband for over a year now. I found a Facebook profile of him where he was asking to perform sexual acts on other men. I confronted him and he claims he is bisexual. I found all of his other profiles, even one on Grindr and I wish I would have never looked anything up.
    I was ready to leave him when I found out I was a few weeks pregnant with my second child. My first pregnancy had also been stressful because of his manipulation and his tendency to be a compulsive liar.
    I have had my second child now and have no job(I worked 80 hrs even while pregnant with my first to pay the bills)
    I applied for college and got accepted after almost 10 years from graduating high school, but feel like I won't be able to do it all on my own.
    I want a divorce more than anything else in this world, but I'm so afraid of everything that will result from it. My family and I are not close and I have zero friends now so I have no one to talk to about this. I am so afraid of what people I know will think about me when they find out my husband was sleeping with other men. I'm sure I'll get the "how did you not know" question but my husband is very charismatic and he can talk his way out of anything to anyone. That is another reason I am afraid, he could lie and say we are separating because of something I did & I bet my own family will be on his side.
    I am just tired of doing everything for our family and trying so hard for him, when he obviously he feels like we are not enough for him that he has to get so much attention from others.
    if anyone is in the same place as me or had a "bisexual"/gay husband, please share your story.
    Thank you ladies

  69. I and my boy friend as been separated for a long period, I cam across different spell caster and they were all unable to bring my lover back. I was so sad and almost gave up on him when i met a spell man called DR Osimen, who helped me get my lover back. Ever since then i have been so happy and couldn't believe it would happen. He also helped me with success spell, I have been living happily with my lover now and will be getting married soon. Here is his contact if you need his help. osimenspelltemple@gmail.com

  70. my husband left me in may last year AS HE SAID I DIDN'T LOVE HIM ENOUGH...we were together for 10 yrs and married for 6yrs... he wanted a quick divorce, and it was finalised in december....every single day i blame myself..if only i...what if i...i continue to live with these regrets a year on....i miss him so much..there is no-one else...i admit i didn't show him much affection in the last couple of years and took him for granted but i begged him for another chance so many times..the last time we spoke (again with me being emotional) he said to give him space - that was 7 wks ago...not heard anything from him...our marital home is in the process of being sold and i will be moving into my new home in a few wks....does anyone here think there is still hope we can get back together? anyone have a similar experience? i would do anything for a 2nd chance...i miss him so much...am now off work with depression and can't ever see me being happy again...... why can't i move on with me life?....i wrote him a letter pouring out what i felt and he rung me up crying to thank me but said it's too late and i have only myself to blame... BUT WITH THE HELP of DR OBOM of homeofsolutions1@gmail.com i was able to have my man back and a chance to proof to him again that i loved him. dr obom help me to cast a powerful spell that brought my husband back, if any out there need help to get pregnant should pls contact contact the great spell caster aka DR OBOM of homeofsolutions1@gmail.com

  71. Another new member of the club. D Day for me was almost a month ago. I was totally blindsided. I keep going back and forth on what part of it hurts the most. I think the fact that he said he can't leave her was the nail in the coffin for me. I've been through denial and anger. And then I came across your blog, well so far only the two posts, I will be reading more!! It has been the most insightful thing I have read yet. I'm at the point now where I know I can't go back and change what happened so I keep telling myself to move forward and don't look back. This is much easier said than done. When you love a man unconditionally and to watch him not give any care to what we had built together, it really hurts. And to think he has a younger girl, who also is married just makes me want to throw up. At this point I just want him out of the house so we can figure all this divorce stuff out without seeing each other every day. And now he is all of the sudden the father that he never was. Which I suppose is good for my girls, but to me it feels like he is taking everything away from me. Looking forward Is anyone going to want to date a divorced woman with 2 kids?? I definitely have my self confidence back but I have never dated as a single divorced mom before and quite frankly it scares me!!!

  72. Thank you for this. My husband cheated on me, lied about it...convinced me I was crazy for thinking he was cheating (I really did think I was having a mental breakdown) and the whole thing was incredibly hurtful. It's been almost a year and the pain is still very raw. I just feel very lost all the time. I lost almost all my friends because we ran in the same circle and nobody believed he wasn't this amazing guy....I was in trouble for "ruining" his reputation by not keeping quiet about his bad behaviour. I am not divorced yet but he is off and living somewhere else. I don't want to know where but I ended up leaving my own home because he knew where it was and I did not feel safe. Life is just a mess. This is never how I thought it would end up. In my head I know it isn't my fault but in my heart I am still not there yet.


    1. I'm sorry you're in pain, Sara. A couple of things: at one point or another, most of us who have been in this situation either felt crazy or were told we were crazy. I clearly remember my then-husband screaming it at me on the phone: "YOU'RE F*CKING CRAZY!". I don't know why they are so adamant about keeping their betrayals hidden, tucked away in the shadows while they sweep up the mess of their old lives. You'd think they would be proud of it, right?

      You will feel lost for a while. Until one day, you'll notice that you're right where you need to be.

      Screw the "friends". There are better ones out there for you. You'll find them. I promise.

      There are a bunch of us out here for you. Hang in there, Sara.

    2. WOW. WOW. I stumbled upon this blog, like I'm sure most people did. Like Sara above said, I feel "Lost". I have been fighting to save my marriage for years (I am humiliated and embarrassed to say exactly how many "years" so we'll leave it at that). The really"funny" thing is that my Ex husband left me for another woman- 13 years ago. My now husband has been "just friends" with this awful woman that ironically USED to be a friend of mine over 25 years ago. She has all this "issues" and my husband is drawn to her, he feels sorry for her, and he can't seem to break away from her. In the beginning he told me about her contacting him on Facebook (which i think is a breeding ground for cheaters) and then when i said the "friendship" seemed a bit inappropriate that's when he stopped telling me about his secret meetings with her and phone calls. It's not that hard to figure it out though, but yet, he tried to make me feel like i was imagining the whole thing. Gas Lighting it's called. He had said "I want our marriage to work" and i have said, unless you stop ALL commication with this home wrecking B it's NEVER going to work. It has been going on so long, the "I'm done with her" (but he really isn't....) that i no longer respect myself. This past Saturday he told me that he told her he's really done. Then Saturday night he "went out for a drive" and ended up at a bar with her! Really? Um.... hello moron, if you are going to cheat don't do it around the corner from where you live. I've lost friends over this, and prepare to loose our mutual friends, it's ok, there are times i feel like i will be ok, but right now i want to shrivel up and hide. (not die! no way!!) Jenny, i appreciate your advice, the first blog made me laugh a lot, and i haven't done that in a long time. We can do this, but why should we have to? this is so hard.

  73. i have been with a man for almost 11 years... we have a 7 year old and a house ( not a great house, we had to do a huge amount of work to move in) i have been slowly deteriorating for about 2 years now. my senses told me to wake up bt i pushed them back and kept on. i became morbidly depressed and my housework started failing bad! i left college because the only people i had to watch my child full time ( his family) let people come to their house that attempted to sexually assault her and they all sided with the pedophile. i am secretly blamed for destroying his family because i would not turn the other cheek. sooo much more to te story bt its too depressing to write and read back to myself. long story short i left college with almost a 4.0 took every toilet scrubbing degrading job i could while she was at school bt refuse to leave her with strangers while i work. we live paycheck to paycheck bt we get by and live a little above poverty level. i am training to be a gunsmith, not because i have a passion for guns bt because someone offered to pay for my training and there is a lot of money to be made once my 2 1/2 year program is over. today i had enough and demanded answers as to why he obviously doesn't love me anymore... he doesn't ave much of an explanation except he doesn't know if e loves me anymore and e wants a better house and truck and e cant do that supporting everything and everyone. i have nothing, i dont have any jewelry left to sell as i already sold it all to help fix up the house and i dont have regular work. i dont have parents i can go live with and i dont even have close friends to help me out. also my daughters biggest dream is to be a professional ballerina and as been working hard to reach her goal. all the money i do make at my job that i dont work at regularly goes to ballet and groceries i dont buy new clothes or have nights out. he as never had to pay for ballet because i knew he was worried about money... bt when it all comes crashing down and im forced to find a way to survive i will not be able to pay for lessons anymore and it will destroy her. its the only thing she does and her true passion. i dont know what to do or where to go. we are not married and i will get NOTHING... i feel so empty and if i did not have a child wouldn't have much of a reason to carry on . any advice for an unwed mother who gave all she had in life to someone who thinks she is worthless?

  74. Oh my gosh, you hit the nail on the head. I did everything WRONG!! the weekend trips, shopping, lies, disrespect, and sex, he still went back to her.
    I am so glad I read this. It gave me the courage to call my attorney for the third time and finally go through with the divorce. Thank you.

  75. Hi, This is very helpful. You just helps me avoid a mistake: He didn't treat me well nor take care of me and after he stopped calling in march I stopped caring. I was going to leave things as they are but I'm now considering taking legal action. I don't care if he doesn't have a job he should get up and get one after abandoning me so many time when I needed him. I'm protecting myself and my baby financially and insuring my future. I have a good lawyer and now I decided to use him. Thank you <3

  76. thank you it helps to see these, at 5am when I can't sleep and there is not much else I can do with my fears; husband left 3 weeks ago and I am so scared and so broken and i don't know if I can do it; rarely been without the children for 15 years so don't even know how to get through the day tomorrow when he takes them out (a treat, they will love him, I can't do that) the pain Is so hard to bear; how do I go to work with such red eyes; I can't tell people and i have no family to help; I don't even know how to fix a blind in my room which has already gone wrong, and there will be a million things like that, and I am and will be so lonely, I intended it for life, he didn't, and the damage to our children and their future

  77. I'm so glad you still check this from time to time and respond. Thank you for writing this. I can say I don't feel as alone as I did. I think we Google because we are just lost. May God bless you.

  78. thank you for the time you have given me to help make me a better person and make much more and see much more in my life. I know I had personal problems. I guess I did not want to see what the truth was about my direction in life and why I was doing certain things. Your insight and genuine ability to be able to see what the real situation is with me is helping me overcome the boundaries I have right now. I know it will not be easy the path I have chosen but at least now I do know what path I want to be on., Thanks to you I know a little bit about myself enough to help me make changes within. Thank- you once again.It really is a big big help to have you in my life and on my side. I will forever be grateful to you Dr Eziza I had already tried three different internet spell caster's services, Then my friend told me about Dr Eziza. I wasn't sure anything would come of it, but I thought, why not take a chance? I cast a Love Spell, and the very next week a gorgeous guy came up to me at a party and asked me to dance. He is caring, kind, romantic - everything I always wanted. We've been together for six months, and we're about getting married. I'm a believer!" If you requires any assistance, you can contact him through ezizaspiritualshrine@yahoo.com and his contact number is +2347054206121

  79. I have learned much from reading this blog. The patterns of cheating spouses are so similar. What I finally realize, and it took me many years to see this, is that my husband is a narcissist. He cannot help the way he is for deep-rooted reasons that had nothing to do with me or the other women he hurt. He was skilled at giving me just enough attention and 'love' to have hopes that our marriage was going to make it. But my gut always told me when he was having an affair. That's the first rule: listen to your gut. Always. Even when it's not logical. My gut was never wrong. Whenever he was cheating it was like a scent in the air and he would just act 'different'. I became annoying to him, he went out all hours of the night with his phone off. He starts saying things like I am unhappy and I don't feel like we are married. Starts taking more and more high risk behaviors, including doing cocaine every day. Blames me for his drug abuse, unemployment, I do not love him enough, I do not appreciate him enough even though I pay all the bills for years. Says he breaks it off with the other woman but never really does, and they snicker and say the most cruel things behind your back, yes these two deserve each other.
    Letting go is HARD. It took me 8 years to finally accept the fact that my marriage was killing me and my husband did not ever intend to take care and love the way a marriage should be. He left his son and me for a woman 20 years younger and hopes he is not going to mess up his love relationship this time around. Calls me crazy, old, losing my mind. The lies get worse and worse. No, those texts of course he did not write or send those! He even calls her from my cell phone and 'forgets' to delete the number, then says it wasn't him lol. All of these things are intentional, done on purpose. And there you go: these men intentionally are hurting you and they know what they are doing and we are the stupid shmucks who keep believing them! I left him three times and everytime started missing him and broke down and let him back in. Nothing changes it gets worse much worse.
    My advice: Let her take care of him, she wants to anyways, Let her deal with his problems, let her be the one he doesn't call or come home to because soon she will be. Let go of this cancer he calls love. It is not love. He will do the exact same things if you take him back, but each time your self-esteem gets lower. I even took cocaine with him thinking it would somehow keep him in the marriage, but all I did was almost end up just like him.
    Once he has left (he leaves, not you) he will get to the point of not being able to fake the marriage anymore. Get ready. Now the weapons start flying. He still needs to hurt you and if you are around he will. Stay away at all costs. He is a toxic person and will never ever get better with you around. It is not your fault and it never was. You will be much happier without him even if right now his leaving feels like the end of your world, trust me it is the true beginning!! God will give you better if you trust in Him and be good!

  80. Hi there,

    My name is Jessica and I've been with my husband for almost 8 years and married almost 4 years. He is the love of my life, a hard worker and a great father. Our marriage has it ups and downs ... financial issues and so on. I can also be a difficult person because I tend to be angered easily, controlling and say things i really dont mean. But i honestly believe i've tried to do the best i know how in this marriage and 4 days ago he told me that he never loved me and he is leaving and wants to find someone more like himself (humble,easy to talk to). Earlier this year i caught him sending inappropriate messages to a girl he works with and reaching out with an intimate letter to his ex which i thought he hadnt seen or talked to in over 10 years. When i gave him the option to leave then he placed his head in my lap and asked me to forgive him and that he loved me and wanted us to work...he said he didnt want to lose what we had. He is 7 years older than me and i've been with him since i was 18 going on 19. I'm 26 now and he is 33 and we have 2 daughters ages 6 and 2. Recently he also went on a fishing trip with friends at 12 noon and didnt return home until 12 the next morning. The police called me saying he had hit a sign down and drove off ... i was worried sick. Apparentl he was really drunk and even though the dock pulled up at 7pm he claimed he was to messed up to come home so he went to a friends house who is a man yet when he got home he had what looked like hickey's all over his neck and a poped lip.

    Now that he is gone i'm devastated and i feel like the only thing i am now is "mom". I invested myself into him completly...i loved him more than i loved myself. I dont know how to move, breathe, eat or sleep and i've lost 6lbs in 3 days. This is the most struggling time i've ever had and i'm so afraid and shocked and depressed. I've thought about suicide everyday and it is absolutly i do not want but every moment is so difficult to bare. I have family and friends around me trying to help...i live on a small island so i'm fairly close to everyone but it just feels like i dont want anything or anyone but him and i cant go on like this.

    How long will this last? What should i do? Help me please...

  81. My husband of almost 5 years left me recently. I have a 2 year old, 11 month old, and I am currently pregnant (high risk). I never thought this would be happening to me since we have known each other for 16 years. So much of what you have put in part 1 and 2 are true. Wish i had seen this sooner as i have already made so many mistakes and I feel so stupid. I moved 14 hours from my home for him to a different state where I had no one because he was in the marine core and I have stayed at home the whole marriage because I was pregnant the good portion of the time. I'm lucky to have family who has been so helpful. They came and got us and are the only reason I am staying afloat right now. Since i was a resident of another state I have to wait 6 months to do anything here. No filing for divorce, no child support, no cusody hearing, nothing. I still have about 6 months of this pregnancy left but Im still so baffled by everything. I just now started to accept the fact I can't make him change his mind because there was someone else and I didn't want to completely believe it until the proof was in front of my face. Which he still denies anything ever went on. I hate to hear that others are going thru the same thing because this is just terrible that anyone could do something like this to someone they are suppose to love but at the same time I am strangely comforted by the fact I am not alone. Thank you for caring enough to post not only one but two articles.  

  82. This blog has been so helpful to me. My husband of 17 years told me yesterday that he is not in love with me anymore and wants a divorce. He wants to be able to date other women. He wants a "polyamorous relationship." Think I read about that. I should have seen this coming. I am devastated. There were signs, but I thought we still loved each other. The long break up will be awful for our 2 daughters - 13 and 12. But I can hardly move right now. Will try to speed it up if I have the energy. I have a the breadwinner with a difficult full time job. Good I don't have financial worries, but can't see how I'm going to concentrate on work right now. Thank you everyone for helping me not feel so alone.


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