3/11/17

Letter From A Monster

It's been five months since my mom died. I had a remarkably difficult time with it, which is weird because of the whole estrangement thing. You'd think two years of zero communication would have made it easier to handle but oh no. Quite the contrary. Looking back now, with days and weeks and a few months worth of perspective, I see what a complete psycho I was. Like, I now kind of want to go around apologizing to the people who had to interact with me on a daily basis during that time. My poor family! My aunt who had to endure ranting, grief-struck texts. My kids who wondered when their mom turned into Jabba the couch-sitting Hut. And oh criminy: my co-workers. I can't believe I still have a job. I was prone to crying at my desk, used up gobs of sick days because I just couldn't function and was a paranoid, sniveling wretch. I'M SORRY YOU GUYS.

Anyway. The lowest point was over winter break, when I was home for two solid weeks and did absolutely nothing. I pulled off another Christmas wherein I played the part of Loving Mother but other than that it was basically me sitting around growing new chins, watching every British show on Netflix and discovering just how long one can go without showering before people driving by your house can catch a whiff of your sad stench. (side note here: how is it possible that I am still single? 😂)

Things began changing after that. The new year truly did bring in a new me, and I haven't looked back. My teenager's unflagging attempts to actually get me to join him at the gym* instead of just dropping him off finally paid off, and on January 13th I steeled myself for a moment before walking into the workout room of the YMCA. It was almost as hard as walking into the food shelf for the first time, you guys. I tugged at the giant shirt which was, despite its size, uncomfortably tight around my belly. Certainly everyone was looking at the frizzy haired giantess approaching the weight machines, right? But guess what...nobody cared. Not one person pointed and laughed at me as I did arm curls and leg presses and there wasn't a crowd of people snapchatting fat shaming pictures of me as I got on the treadmill.

Nope. Not one person cared except for me, and after a few minutes my worries melted away as the endorphins rushed in like rainwater after a drought. That was the first night of many that my kid and I loaded into the car and made our way to the gym in the dark, when I used to be finishing the dinner dishes and deciding which show to watch before falling asleep in front of the t.v.

In the days since that first anxiety-ridden gym trip, so much has changed. My mood is a thousand times better. I am losing weight, although this time around I refuse to step on a scale (the fact that my boobs now resemble freckly deflated footballs is really all the proof I need). One of my favorite work friends commented the other day, "You have a really beautiful glow around you lately" and I replied, "I've never felt better" and it's the truth: I have never felt this happy or this healthy or this hopeful.

Hope was hard for me to find after mom's death. Add to that the insane election and the aftermath and it felt as though it would never come back (I know we steer clear of politics here but come on, friends- I'm a low income single mom who works for a public school district...it's not hard to figure out why I'm scared shitless). Since I started exercising again, though, I'm finding it easier to see the good. I'm laughing again, smiling real smiles and even the old writing urge is slowly coming back to life.

I lost all of that for a little bit earlier this week. All thanks to a letter. A letter from someone I was done with, or so I thought.

When my mom died there was one silver lining: it meant that I'd never have to see her husband, the man who terrorized me as a child and teenager, again. It was a relief to hear he'd hightailed it out of Minnesota just a few weeks after her memorial service, leaving for the warmth and golf courses of Arizona. He was the main reason for the degradation of the relationship between me and my mom. Seeing him, hearing his voice brought me back to those dark, nightmarish years of abuse. Walking into their house sent me spiraling down a funky rabbit hole of despair: the stench of cigarettes in my hair and on my clothes, the cobwebs of awful memories clinging to my face and limbs.

Her dying freed me of him. Apparently, he didn't get that memo.

His letter stunned me. It also made me laugh. Not because it was funny (although it is kind of hilarious) but due to the absolute absurdity of it. The gall! The huge font! The "over" at the bottom of the page just in case I'd been reading it and couldn't figure out I had to turn the paper over to find his closing remarks.

His narcissism has never been more obvious. Actually, I think someone teaching a class on personality disorders could take this letter and use it as a teaching tool. "Class, let's dissect this one: first, let's count how many times the writer of the letter uses the words I, me, and my."

For a while his words stuck to me like those icky memories. I composed a reply in my head...the first one was simply "Fuck you." The second one was wordier.

Here's the letter. I blocked out his information because even assholes deserve some modicum of privacy. But the rest of it? Fair game.




Yes, it was addressed to both my brother and me. He sent one to my brother, too.

Bottom lines:


  • You are the enemy.
  • My kids are not your grandchildren. They never were.
  • Maybe you should have let mom move to California to be with you. Just saying.
  • You were 22 and you entered into a relationship with a married, 35 year old woman who had two kids. Cry me an effing river, dickhead.
  • Your parents failed miserably. 
  • There is no line a 9 year old kid can cross that would make it okay to hit them. Or kick them, slap them, throw ceramic coffee mugs at their heads and chase them through a house while they scream for help. 
  • The only thing I'll give you credit for are 40 years worth of nightmares and trust issues. Also, the fun way I flinch when someone near me raises their voice. Thanks!
  • You'll get our social security numbers right about the same time we invite you over for Sunday dinner. In other words, don't hold your breath. (or, do hold it? For a long time? Please?)
In the end, I decided to not respond. A friend of mine burned the letter for me, in my kitchen sink. I worried about starting a fire so it didn't finish burning completely, but my daughter put the charred pieces in the recycling bin. It's over.

What distressed me the most about this letter was how it made me mad at my mom all over again. Five months have passed and while there are still tough moments, for the most part I have come to a kind of peace with all of it. After reading this letter I felt the resentment, felt the betrayal, felt the impotent rage. It has taken a few days, several miles walking the dog and some good late nights at the gym to get rid of it, but it's gone.

We now return to our regularly scheduled happiness.



* an explanation of the gym, since there are a few people out there who like to keep track of how I spend my money: we have the pauper's scholarship at the YMCA. For $60 a month all five of us can use the gym to workout, take classes or just go play basketball. We use our membership, on average, four days a week. The health insurance I get through work has an incentive group that I participate in...aside from getting Amazon gift cards for simply exercising, they also offer a gym rebate of $350 a year. So, our membership ends up being about $30 a month. Less than two therapy co-pays! #winning



35 comments:

  1. He wants all your dates of birth and social security numbers? He sounds like a con man. Family trust? Puh leeze. He congratulates himself on shaping you into the woman you grew up to be, with his abuse! That is RICH.You are going No Contact with him. Good!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Super rich :) I laughed out loud at the idea of there being a "trust".

      Thank you for being here!

      Delete
  2. Rise up sister.Inhale, exhale and keep kicking ass

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Going high, sister!! Aside from this post, of course. LOL.

      Thank you for your support.

      Delete
  3. So confused... Do you think he is trying to con your kids? This reads like one of those bad chain letters.

    What does he want from you? He wasn't your father. He was an abusive dickhead. What did your mother see in him?!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I ask myself that quite often...what drew her to him? Maybe it was good sex. Maybe he was such a drastic change from my dad? I don't know. He was, and still appears to be, a thoughtless and awful person who has a healthy amount of self love.

      My brother thinks he's worried about growing old and being alone. Perhaps he should be.

      Yah, and I don't know what is up with wanting the kid's info. Several people have informed me that to include people on wills or trusts, none of that is needed.

      So weird, right??

      Thank you for being here!

      Delete
  4. I'm with Chris; the request for birthdates and SSNs set off a whole tower of warning bells. The only thing you could have done other than burn that joke of a "letter" is to have sent it back unopened with a big RETURN TO SENDER NO FORWARDING ADDRESS on it. Of course, you have to get your brother to play ball. Please tell me he's not speaking to the man.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My brother is playing Switzerland in this situation...he never felt the wrath of stepdad for some reason. Not once did he hit him, not once! I'm okay with that, my poor brother had enough to deal with.

      He and I have talked quite a bit since mom died. Way more than we had in the past. He feels like one of us should keep in touch with stepmonster just in case there's like, a massive stash of gold dubloons or something ;)

      Delete
  5. Oh honey...wow these narcissistic abusers have no idea how textbook they sound in these wounded "I don't understand why you hate me when I've done nothing but love you" correspondences.

    So glad you're doing better and looking after yourself - and that you managed to recover from that sickening letter.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Scary, right? It's like there's a script somewhere that they all read.

      Thank you so much for being here!

      Delete
  6. SSN and DoB? He wants to open credit cards in your kids' names. Definitely a con.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wouldn't have guessed he was the grifter type but wonders really never do cease ;)

      Delete
  7. I realize this was not the focus of your essay, but I am so proud of you for starting to take care of yourself and your health! You have so much to give and you help so many people, your kids, your school family, your readers. I'm going through a stressful time at the moment and had convinced myself I was perfectly comfortable with having dinner, doing the dishes and going to bed... I didn't even stay up long enough to watch TV. Your essay has inspired me, no promises but I might even try to make it the gym today! #jennyismyhero

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ahhh Cleveland! Yay! I love that you got that message from this. I cannot express HOW great it feels. Sorry for whatever you're going through, and I do hope you are able to get to the other side of it quickly.

      Thank you for being here, my friend.

      Delete
  8. Another delightfully appropriate reaction to an insipid letter. Amusing, I'm sure, while reading dickhead's pontification regarding how hard he tried as your step father. What a sick fuck. I hope that Arizona sun is searing through his Minnesota, pearly white skin, right about now. One more upside for you to celebrate that he's gone; picture this image. Step daddy will be looking like some stankyass roadkill before the summer is even over. Ain't perdee.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ahh what a nice mental image! Ha!! Thank you M. Buchanan. There really is much to celebrate. Thank you for being here!

      Delete
  9. It takes an enormous amount of courage and self-love to cut off from the toxic members of our family. You should be proud of how you protected yourself and your children. That asshole can rot in the hell of the Arizona desert!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You all are giving me so much love, and also a feeling that I never want to visit the AZ desert ;)

      Thank you ♥

      Delete
  10. Seems crystal clear that he knows he is awful and he is attempting to mitigate it. There also appears to be a possible undercurrent of a chance that your mom was keeping him at bay and he is feeling like he has the bit in his teeth, so to speak, and trying to get something he wants now that she is gone. Maybe I am wrong -- it is just how his words struck me.

    It is good that you see through him. I support you wholeheartedly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much. My brother came to the conclusion that his aloneness has really hit him now and he's panicked about not having anyone to take care of him.

      My take on it is that he no longer has anyone to control and misses it. Desperately.

      Thank you for your support, it means the world to me ♥

      Delete
  11. Wow! I read somewhere that a whopping 95% of narcissists are incapable of change and their relationships don't work. They also take very little responsibility for unkind acts. This is quite evident with having the balls to ask for social security numbers and birthdates for a con on your family. You were smart for not even engaging with him. What a dick!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'd be surprised if even 5% were capable of changing! It seems to be such a severe personality disorder...

      This has been a learning experience, for sure.

      Thanks for your support!

      Delete
  12. Well, at least he didn't say he hates you*.

    I received a random email from a half-sibling I haven't seen in nearly 25 years. My dad just stopped showing up for his custody/visitation weekends when I was 10 years old, so I never saw them again. She wanted to tell me she hated me because I "hurt" her dad.

    I guess I should have put on some stilts and took a joyride across town when he stopped showing up. My bad.

    (*I kid. What an asshat. Burned letters mean they never existed.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. BUT JOAN. Can't you see that your dad and the random half-sib are the real victims here?? (kidding of course)

      I will never understand people holding kids accountable for their parent's bad behavior. No matter how old said kids may be.

      Burning shit is cathartic. Yes indeed.

      Thanks for being here ♥

      Delete
  13. I grew up in a worse household than you hands down. My step parent abused me sexually and physically. I will never forgive him and besides he's dead. Life goes on. I don't understand why you can't just let this go? Move on. Stop hating people. You lend so much time to your past it's ridiculous. Forgiveness goes a long way to healing yourself. Everyone has demons, including yourself. Maybe your Mom's husband feels bad for what he's done. Keep the memories of your Mom tight and continue working on yourself and stop the hamster wheel of self destruction. Burning a letter to me is just immature. Okay, so I'm sure you're going to delete this but I wish you nothing but the best.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The only comments I don't publish here are the spammy ones and any that insult or demean my kids. This one stays because it's very interesting.

      I am curious about something...the parent who allowed this person into your life- did they know about the abuse? How did they handle it?

      I am truly sorry for what you endured as a child. However, it's important to remember that we are all unique individuals and we all handle these things differently. You say you will "never forgive him and besides he's dead" in one breath and then in the next "forgiveness goes a long way to healing yourself".

      Grief and growth are both so complicated and so very personal. I would never assume that someone is handling theirs incorrectly, and most certainly wouldn't dream of insulting them.

      I wish you nothing but the best as well, anonymous. For reals ♥

      Delete
    2. Hi Jenny

      Thank you for responding. Well, my mother who I've seen 2 times in 20 years claims to not have known but I'm a mother of four children and I know all things so I don't know how she could have not at least have seen signs because it went on from 4-8 years of age. My Mom basically doesn't care and our relationship consists of me calling her on holidays to wish her well, and she lives in Alabama and I'm in California. She's never even met my two youngest adult children. Yeah, he was an awful person but I've realized it wasn't me and he was sick and of course therapy helped me tremendously. He has no power over my life. Years ago someone told me "that the statue of limitations always expire on our childhood traumas" so I told myself my past would never dictate my future and forgiveness was for me not him. I'm successful, I have a wonderful husband and honestly four very successful and beautiful children.

      Jenny, I'm sorry I was rude to you. I honestly want you to be happy. You're funny, smart and beautiful. You didn't deserve what's happened to you. I just maybe want you to also forgive yourself. Does that make sense? When our child went through her divorce and her husband decided to move in with the town real estate hooker you helped me cope. You really did. I would send our daughter your posts and we would laugh instead of cry. He left her with two small children who have and will hopefully survive the sadness he caused. Love does wonders when that's all you've got.

      Jenny, I'm sorry about your mom. Your mom loved you. You loved your mom. You're lucky. So you had a few years where you didn't talk, but guess what? I bet your mom thought about you every single day. Keep talking to her, keep praying and let the step father or monster stuff go. There are no monsters under your bed! I am woman hear me roar.

      Your Friend,
      Anonymous also known as Susan

      Delete
    3. Thank you Susan. I was mostly upset that I came across as hateful and unhappy to you! Maybe it's just when the subject of him comes up??

      I like the idea of a statute of limitations...although I will admit that seeing the letter from him in the mailbox was just so jarring- almost invasive, if that makes sense? I thought we were done with him, ya know??

      I remember our email exchanges fondly, Susan, and it makes me so happy to have helped. I hope your daughter is doing well!

      I am in tears (again) reading your words about my mom. Thank you for the gentle reminder that sometimes our imaginations and our memories are scarier than real life.

      Delete
  14. Big thumbs up to the endorphins associated with working out. It's been a life-saver for me. Love you, Jenny. We should get together.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Love you too Whitney ♥ We are so overdue for a night out (or in)!

      Delete
  15. YAY for you, Jenny! Maybe you'll inspire me to hit the gym (or not - it's 90 degrees - I may have to hit the pool!). You go, girl!! Always cheering you on! But glad step-demon has moved out of state - the further, the better. I agree with some of the others, he's afraid of being alone as he gets older & who will care for him if he becomes ill? NOT.YOUR.PROBLEM.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Susie! Yikes, 90!?!?! I feel as though winter will never end here! Hit that pool for me, please.

      Thank you for the validation. I will put NOT MY PROBLEM on repeat ♥

      Delete
  16. First, I'd like to say that I want to live where Susie Q lives cuz I am not seeing 90 for a solid 3 or 4 months. Actually NE just went through snowpocalypse 2017 so yeah, not even giving much thought to spring in these parts.

    Second, it kind of goes without saying but your step dad is a douchenozzle and I wouldn't give him any pertinent information. I think burning the letter was the right thing to do.

    Third, major kudos for finding your way back to the gym. I've recently started with that again and it really makes so much of a difference in my energy levels and mood. In the words of the infamous Elle Woods "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands" err ex husbands for me.

    Finally I feel bad that you felt the need to break down your gym membership. Seriously, who's business is it if you have a gym membership and how much it costs? Let me answer for you: Nobody!! You really don't need to be poor-splainin to us Jenny. Love your blog

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love an Elle Woods quote so much. SO MUCH. Thank you ♥

      Damn that poor-splainin. And yet I keep doing it. One of these days.

      Delete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...