1/21/16

Danke

It means "Thanks" in German and although I have nary a speck of Deutsch in me, since my blog personae is Hausfrau it fits.

Last week, I sat down in a cloud of woe and wrote about having to go back down a road I thought was closed. Life has taught me many valuable lessons over the past few years but this one seems to be taking a while to sink in: never say never. Right? When we say something like "Never again!" it's almost as if the universe hears it and says, rubbing her universal hands together, "we shall see about that, Jenny!"

So I did what I find the most therapeutic, and wrote about it. Not seeking attention, not looking for sympathy. Just writing because that's what I do. I've found that when I expose the sometimes-grungy underbelly that is being a divorced woman, it reaches people. Other women who are going through the same shit come out, wanting to talk about it. Wanting to feel less alone. Women who have gone through it, and came out alive, come out. They want to offer support to those of us still there. Women who have never gone through this ordeal come out, just wanting to offer hugs and shoulders to cry on and love.

For a very long time, I kept quiet about the day to day struggle because it was shameful to me. I walked among the "normal" people in my world and kept up appearances for as long as I could. But it wasn't until I began telling the truth that I realized appearances aren't worth keeping up and the "normal" people had stories they were hiding, too.

When I wrote that post, I wasn't looking for handouts. I wasn't asking for help. Promise. I was sad and defeated. You know why? Because I had slipped back into the habit of keeping up appearances. Life was, and is, good. Just like the t-shirts tell us. But life can and will always surprise us and damn if life doesn't throw a few wrenches into the cogs now and then.

Life can also throw a few bouquets in there, too. My kids and I saw that this week. Again.

The night after the post was published, we were all home. Dinner had been made, dishes were done and we were all settling into that weeknight groove. Homework, laundry, maybe mom starting to snore on the couch. My daughter, Molly, still home from college on winter break heard it.

A noise at the front door. Walter the wonder watch dog, did squat. Molly went to the door and came back into the living room holding an envelope. She handed it to me and said, "Someone just dropped this off, Mom." I opened it up and saw this:

That's $300 to a local grocery store, people.


At first I thought I'd read the amount wrong. But no. It really said "$300.00". You know what I did for the next hour? Walked around the house, holding that card out in front of me like a license plate and saying "OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD." I pressed Molly for details. "Did you see the car? What did it look like?" to which she answered, "It's dark outside, Mom."

Henry looked at it and said, "Who would do that? That's so much money!" William just smiled and then pushed me out of his room. Charlie hugged me.

This grocery gifting ninja warmed up my cold sad heart and it felt ahhhhmazing. It's also going to keep our fridge stocked for pretty much a whole month. Thank you, ninja. Thank you so much.

That's not all, folks. Several of you commented on that post, urging me to set up a GoFundMe page or donation site. I can't, won't do that. Those are for people who are truly in need. Like families with sick kids or a house fire or something else way beyond my little bubble of sad. Certainly not for a putzy single mom who likes to talk a lot about how great life can be after divorce and yet, always seems to be a day late and a dollar short.

A friend from high school, a guy who is the bee's knees and who reads my blog, called me up and said, "What are you doing? Get your computer and log onto Paypal. We're setting up a tip jar for your blog. Now."

I have some uncomfortableness with this, and not just because uncomfortableness isn't a word. (psst Jenny it's discomfort). Asking for help isn't easy. It's not something I do well or often. Hardly ever and only under great duress. I told my friend this and he said "Shut up. Here's what you do" and walked me, step-by-step, through the Blog Tip Jar process. It took about five minutes and then took another 2 hours for me to actually work up the guts to put it here on the blog. Even now, four days later, it looks kind of weak and lame to me.

But, that night, Paypal sent me several emails. A donation. Then another, and another. Over the next few days, they came in. Each one hit me in the gut. The ones with notes made me cry. Okay, fine, they ALL made me cry because in my mind, in my heart, I'm not worthy of this. You beautiful perfect strangers who wouldn't know me or my kids if we jumped in your lap and said "HOWDY", reached into your own pockets and gave to my family.

You are now investors in this business and so I want you to know where your money is going. A little bit went to fill up my gas tank. For the first time in weeks I filled that sucker to the top instead of standing there, tapping the trigger until it hit exactly $5.00. Thank you.

A little bit is going to buy my 15 year old a couple of sweatshirts. He's had a growth spurt and has been wearing the same three or four for the past month and I'll be getting him some new ones. Thank you.

A smidgen of it will be used for a bikini wax. LOL. Kidding. Just checking to see if you're awake. And now you're nauseous, too. Sorry.

The rest of it is going to stay right there. It's not going to be touched until we need to touch it. I hope that's okay. What you've given me is a cushion and it's the prettiest, cushiest cushion I've ever laid my old tired eyes on. Thank you doesn't seem like enough but it's all I've got. So thank you.

There were other random acts of kindness too. One of you sent me a Target e-gift card. Oh girl. Target? Be still my broke ass heart. I'll be Cartwheeling that mofo, guaranteed. Thank you.

One of you reached out and paid to renew our Costco membership. You know that brings tears to my eyes. Brings them and then pours them down my cheeks. Thank you.

Someone who will from here on out be known simply as the Meat Angel dropped off a bag of, you guessed it- MEAT. High quality goodness from a local butcher shop. On taco night, we clinked our tortillas in your name, Meat Angel. Thank you.

One of you took advantage of the always-open driver's side window of my car and plopped two super cute bottles of wine on the front seat. At least, I hope it was one of you. If not, thank you confused stranger. It's going to be a while before my poverty-stricken body darkens the door of a liquor store, so again, thank you.

And then, today at work. Wednesdays and Thursdays are my late days. I work as a para from around 11:15 until 2:00, and then do the office stuff until 6:15. When I walked into the office at 2:00, my coworker handed me another envelope. "Someone dropped this off for you, Jenny" she said, and I knew it was from one of you before I even touched it. It just glowed.

Now, for the record, I've been under the weather this week. I had a fever and the achy chills stuff Sunday and Monday, and a weird sore throat accompanied by an almost narcoleptic falling asleep on the couch thing ever since. I'm holding off on going into the Minute Clinic for a strep test. Not so much because of the $70 bill but mostly because I dread the moment the nurse comes in, sizes up my meaty arms with her eyes and reaches for the X-LONG blood pressure cuff.

So I'm feeling understandably vulnerable right now.

I took the envelope and opened it. I read the enclosed card and then I started bawling. Like, straight up ugly face sobbing. My poor befuddled coworker grabbed a box of tissues and handed them to me. I took a moment to compose myself, and then read the card, out loud, to my office mates:



These words. And a Costco gift card. The Costco thing of course made me verklempt, but these words! OOooh. Just looking at them again is making my chin do that quiver thing and the little letters on the screen turn all wavy. I would never, in a million years, use any of these words to describe myself. Dream-chaser? Goal reacher? MAGNIFICENT? Nah. But to know someone else thought they were apropos? Well. Color me humbled.

Humbled and thankful. Every time something like this, like a greeting card full of kind words or a donation from a stranger or a bag of meat shows up, it's like a big hug from some unseen, comforting entity. It's all of you telling me to hang in there. It's my kids learning once again how absolutely good the world is. It's people being kind even though they don't have to be.

All I have to offer in return is my gratitude and my promise that I am going to keep trying, every day, to pay it all forward. To be that hug for someone else, to be good, to be kind even though I don't have to be. I am drenched in gratitude tonight, and always, for what you all have given to my kids and to me.

Danke.

45 comments:

  1. You are loved because you love. You deserve good things because you are good. You attract kindness because you are kind.
    Sending love and hugs your way!

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  2. I'm crying, my heart is crying right now. Keep on going, and don't you and your children give up. You can't back down, you came this far with your kids. As for my myself, even though I'm overwhelmed at times when I read your journey, I'll be like you, and I'll keep on marching forward. Always, and always, I will keep you and your four children in prayers.

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    1. Thank you so much anon!!!! I'm crying too. The tears keep on coming :) Happy tears though, thank goodness. We are all so much stronger and so much kinder than we think. I hope you're doing okay. And thank you so much for the prayers. We feel them!

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  3. Bitte schön. Reading your blog always makes my day better, and you deserve every bit of this.

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    1. Thank you so, so much Ava. I'm still struggling with the concept of deserving it. But I know my kids deserve so much better and that's making this tsunami of kindness so sweet. Thank you!!!

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  4. If your blog were in book form my copy would be torn and tattered, margins marked, pages dog eared and water marked from tears. (Both happy and heartbroken) You are an inspiration!

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    1. Oh Jill. Thank you so, so much. I love it! Great mental image now, of a well-worn book. Very inspiring!

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  5. There are many kind people in this world and I'm so glad that some of them chose to bestow your kindness on you. Can you send me the link to the blog tip jar that you spoke about?

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    1. I am so lucky, Lisa. It's freaking me out a little, all of this love! The tip jar is on the top of the sidebar of the blog. For some reason it's not visible when you read the blog on mobile, it shows up when you view the web version though.

      Thanks for the love and support.

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  6. Jenny! OMG you so deserve this! And blessings to that friend who showed you how to set up a Donate button on your blog! Long, long overdue. Your time and your writing GIFTS are worth so much -- let people give. It's so hard for for givers (aka chumps) to receive, but it's so important -- because that's how we attract other good people. We let them help us. We don't shoo them away.

    On the donate blog thing, I was uncomfortable with that on my blog too. Instead I had cartoons mugs and stuff, of which I make like 50 cents a mug. People were like.. I have enough mugs -- make a donate button. I went 2 years spending tons of money on my blog without one, then I did it. Sheepishly, mortified. Then I was mortified about ads. (It costs about $160 per month to host my site, not to mention the IT stuff when I'm over my head.) I'm very grateful the thing makes enough money to keep going.

    Get a book deal, woman! You have a gift! You've got guts to write about single parenting and struggling, with humor and grace. We're all rooting for you.

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    1. Don't make me cry any more, Tracy, ha! I was wondering why it's so hard to accept help. It makes me feel like such a mooch. It's not a good feeling even though I know from experience how GOOD it feels to give. Must learn to shake it off, I guess.

      Thank you, again, for all of the love and support you've given me, and my readers. It is an honor when they lump the two of us into the same category!

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    2. I second that - GET A BOOK DEAL!! I'll buy 10 copies!!! :-)

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  7. You are doing great. You are surrounded by "a cloud of witnesses," people who love and support you, whether they know you personally, or through your writing. See that as encouragement to keep doing what you're doing. Do you have a book idea? I think it's time. You already have a following.

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    1. Oh Mary. This is the best cloud EVER. I'm so, so lucky. These people are angels, amazingly kind and lovely angels.

      I have a few drafts started, but not finished. I am thinking of doing a serial here on the blog...a chapter a week or something like that.

      Thank you, so much, for your long-time support :)

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  8. All warm fuzzies aside (and I am feeling them hard, like I always do when I read your blog), you are an artist - writing is an art and you share your art with the world. If you were in a subway strumming a guitar and singing Landslide, people would not think twice about dropping a few bucks in your guitar case or your hat. Besides the cushion, I hope the gift you'll let yourself receive is validation that your work has value! You should probably open one of those bottles of wine and drink to that! :-D

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    1. You had me at Landslide! Thank you so, so much. This has been a very interesting and very educational two weeks. Girl, the wine is being enjoyed nice and slow. I'm such a party girl these days...a glass of wine at 8, snoring by 9.

      Thank you again for these sweet words and the fabulous song that's in my head now.

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  9. Sweet Jenny. You are an inspiration to all of us going through this crazy transition. We appreciate your wit and wisdom. Except for the bikini wax... noone wants to think about that! I hope Walter got a nice biscuit too. Violet misses him so.
    Xoxo

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    1. Awwww Sarah! Thank you. And sorry about the wax thing...you know me, gotta be the clown. The 'hood misses you guys too. I was just talking about Violet yesterday. Another one of Walter's buddies crossed the old rainbow bridge. Violet and Walter are old timers!

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  10. This is the best thing I've ever read. This world of strangers in the blog world cares about you, girl!

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    1. Oh Jackie. It's so wonderful!! Thanks so much for all of the love and support. It's a pretty awesome feeling.

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  11. Everything about this post just makes me happy!

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    1. Oh Beth! Me too ♥

      This world can be a very good and kind place.

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  12. Jenny: You are an inspiration and an amazing writer. If you are uncomfortable with the tip jar (which you shouldn't be), why don't you offer to send people a draft of your book for a donation or set price? You have a great following and I think a number of people would take you up on this offer!

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    1. Anonymous, this is a great idea. I am so freaking insecure about my writing though.

      I read a story about the guy who wrote "The Martian"...he originally posted the novel, a chapter at a time on his blog. And then eventually sold it on Amazon. Thinking about doing something like that...I'd get continuous feedback as I wrote.

      Thank you so much for your support and your kindness!

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    1. Augghh...I'm still feeling weird about it. Must be a midwestern thing ;)

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  14. I'm so happy for you! The laughs and tears and moments of self-recognition and discovery you share and inspire are why people have done what they have done. I mentioned one time that woman need to help and empower other women? This is what I was talking about. YOU. TOTALLY. DESERVE. IT. 💜

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    1. Awww thanks so much!! I am such a believer in women supporting each other, lifting each other up and praising instead of ripping apart. It's such a shot of love in the arm to have a front row seat and watching it in action. I am in shock still, and am going to be feeling this gratefulness for a looooong long time. So happy my kids get to witness it as well. They are learning a lot.

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  15. Oh, honey, the luxury of a cushion! I've only recently (past couple of years) been enjoying that, and it is the best thing ever. It takes away some of the stress that accompanies the thousand and one itty-bitty money decisions that we all have to make all through the day. It makes life feel so much less desperate.

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    1. SC, over the years I've had little cushions here and there. But eventually they get squished because of life happening and all of those unexpected things that pop up and need some dollars thrown at them to go away.

      I despise that desperate feeling. Loathe it. And yet somehow I've become almost comfortable with it. It's weird how we take unusual and kind of awful situations and train our minds to deal with it.

      Thanks so much for your long-time and constant support. I see lots of traffic from your blog, you share some really cool readers with me and I appreciate that so much.

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  16. Reading the comments on your blog and wondering if your fan base would be interested in starting a non-for profit to help single moms like you in times of need.

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    1. I think that's a fantastic idea, Cleveland, and it's actually always been a dream of mine. Something to think about implementing in 2016!! Thanks so much for being here, and for always being such a kind and thoughtful reader.

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  17. I'm a single mom of 2 and I stumbled across your blog a few months back. We've been on our own since my second was still in utero. I am very fortunate to have an exhausting and highly stressful job that pays well. I wish I had more time with my children and that I was not mentally and emotionally exhausted all the time. Anyhoo, a way to contribute (tip jar) was a great idea and these comment sections help me not feel as alone. We all have different situations but struggle with many of the same things. I wish there was a support group! You stated you have reached your cushion, so I am not going to add to that. But I am going to use your food pantry post as an inspiration. I give donations but have never volunteered to assist. And really, the reason they were established was to help. When we can give, awesome, but we need to realize when we need a hand its there for US too. Good luck amazing lady. Thank you for voicing emotions I never speak. Let us know when you've gotten a book together. I'd like to buy a copy.

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    1. Oh man. What a great comment! You know, if the only "legacy" I leave as a blogger is that I brought some long-overdue attention to the food shelves, I'm 100% okay with that.

      Thank you for wanting to help and for discovering ways to do so. You and I are two of the same, with different stories, and there are millions of other women out there just like us. When one gets help, it trickles down to the rest.

      Thank you! And I hope you get to spend some good time with your babies. Keep up the good work, lady.

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  18. I can't find the tip jar?
    My ex, to whom I was married for 23 years, left me too. Today he is moving 10 hours away from me and our 2 children to be with his whore. I'm very grateful that I can afford to live without him, and I'm grateful to know I'm not alone living this nightmare. I'd like to tip, but can't find how?

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    1. Oh unknown! I'm actually a little jealous that yours is 10 hours away. Mine is 2 minutes away and I have awful and awkward run-ins with both of them. Some distance would be nice!

      You are never alone, my friend! That's the silver lining on this crappy cloud. There are so many of us. All so different and yet we're all kind of the same :)

      The tip jar is on the upper right side of the blog, but unfortunately it's not visible if you're on a phone. You have to be viewing it on the "old school" web version. :)

      Thank you so much for being here, and I'm so sorry for what you and your kids have been through. I hope you are all doing okay now ♥

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  19. I'm very very alone in real life. Blogs like this one and Chump Lady are my all too real lifeline.

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    1. Noooooo! Unknown, I'm sitting at my desk at work, wishing I knew who you were so I could call you and make you feel less alone. Sending you love and hugs and if it's not too creepy/cheesy, an open door to friendship any time :)

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  20. Jenny, I found yr blog 6 years ago when I googled "My husband is cheating on me so now what". Your words saved my life in so many ways. I also have 4 children, and our lives are eerily similar ( stay at home mom during marriage, limited education and income potential, I could go on and on...). I just wanted to thank you for sharing yourself, your words, and your experiences with us. You truly have no idea how much a difference they have made--not only to me, but countless others. After 6 yrs of trying I am finally ready to let go and divorce. I now realize that anything has to be better than the hell we are living now. Please keep me and my kids in ur thoughts and prayers and I will continue to do the same for u and yours.

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  21. I just discovered your site and spent hours reading the old posts. You capture the journey so well. I don't think many people understand how difficult post-divorce life can be when you are raising 4 kids without help from the person who helped create them. Please keep writing. You are serving a very important purpose and inspiring those of us trying to keep our heads above water.

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  22. I'm so glad you're doing this! I live in the twin cities and after reading your last blog entry I tried to look up your address to send you an anonymous gift card and I couldn't figure it out. I have 4 daughters ages 18 to 27 and I can't even imagine raising them alone! You are a rock star! I'm so happy to be able to give you a tiny bit of support through my donation!

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  23. As I've said before.....keep writing Jenny, you are loved.....Allow me to add that you will have the last laugh when it comes to your selfish, POS ex and his home wrecking wife. Just saying.

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  24. I thought I posted before but it looks like it didn't take, but I'm so happy that these friends and strangers alike blessed you with their generosity!

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