What You See Is What You Get

I'm old enough now, and my kids are old enough, that I've become a spectator versus an active participant in the Mommy Wars. *switching to my Crypt Keeper voice* Back when my kids were little, the internet was new and I was still having fun coming up with a catchy email address. There were no blogs and no parenting sites and the words selfie, blog, text, viral and followers either didn't exist or meant something completely different than they do now.

I fed my kids in the way that worked best for them and for me. I got them to sleep in the way that worked best for all of us. I disciplined (or not) in whichever way seemed to be working at the time. Oh, don't be mistaken: we had mom groups galore. There was ECFE, I was in a nursing mom group, we had Mom's Clubs and playgroups and of course, the audience of mommies at the parks. I was judged, and yes, I did some judging myself. Not proud of it, but I'll admit to doing so.

The thing is, we didn't have the entire world watching what we did back then. We didn't have Facebook friends silently clucking at our misadventures in parenting while they scrolled through their feed. We didn't have an Instagram where a simple picture of our baby could ignite a firestorm of indignation and revolt.

As trite and granny as it makes me sound, it was simpler. But with granny-age comes some wisdom, and I'd like to share a few nuggets of that wisdom with the next generation of mommies:

Ladies, I know it's hard. You got pressure, baby, from more sides than you knew existed. But let this grizzled, saggy mom tell you a secret, okay? In a few years, the eyes of the world will be off of you and focused on the next batch of noobs. You will have these smaller versions of adults hanging around your house and there will no longer be nosy intrusions into your kitchen and bedroom and bathroom (unless you have a dog, and then there will be a cold wet nosy intrusion into every-freaking-thing you do and own). You will be free, my friends. And that freedom is as delicious as a dinner you get to eat while it's still warm.

I spend a lot of time with young adults now. I live with three of them year-round, in fact. Three of my kids are of voting age. One of them can buy booze legally (see?? It's awesome!). All of them can wipe their own butts and in theory if not practice, are capable of making their own meals. They can do their own laundry and drive cars that don't have "Little Tikes" on the license plates.

Unlike those days of yore, when you look at my kids and me you don't see a young and inexperienced artist standing in front of blobs of clay. You see an older, wiser one with some pretty cool sculptures. My kids aren't perfect, thank God. They've stumbled and erred and there are moments I worry about their future roommates and significant others cursing me, but I'm proud of what they have become and proud of my role in their lives.

When I am immersed in big groups of kids now, what their parents have chosen to do or not do while raising them isn't as obvious as it used to be. There are no pacifiers, no tell-tale Pull Ups or diapers peeking out at the back of their pants. No bottles of formula on coffee tables, no empty jars of baby food in the recycling bags. Their moms aren't finding quiet corners to nurse them, and their dads aren't getting high-fives for wearing them in a Baby Bjorn.

Nope. Now, I see people. Almost fully-formed, full-grown people. I can't tell which ones were breastfed and which ones had formula. No idea who slept in their parent's beds and who was a crib sleeper from day one. Ask me which kid ate only organic and which one gobbled up Kraft mac and cheese in their highchair and I'll shrug. Was that kid in daycare from the time he was six weeks old, or did his mom stay at home with him? I DON'T KNOW.

Here's what I can see, though. I can tell you which kid was taught to say Please and Thank You and Excuse Me. I can point out the ones who were made to clean up their messes.

You can see which kid was taught how to lose with grace and win with even more of it.

It's obvious which ones were raised to respect their fellow human beings and which ones weren't.

The ones who had a strong work ethic instilled in them from an early age are easy to spot, too. As are the ones who were taught that they don't have to work for anything.

The girls who were told they could be or do anything they wanted to really stand out. The ones who were raised by former mean girls? They stand out just as much.

I can tell who was shown how to hold a door open for the person behind them. I think we have all met the people who weren't.

I have seen kids who grew up dirt poor and with a single, exhausted parent become academic all-stars with honors and scholarships galore. I've seen kids who were raised in picture-perfect homes struggle with demons in needles and bottles and tight jeans.

And it goes beyond what I see in my kids and their friends. When you are out and about, say...walking through Costco. People who were raised to be polite and kind and gracious stand out among a sea of crassness. I have coworkers who will spend hours of their own time cleaning up the staff lounge, and others who leave dirty dishes in the sink and a tipped bottle of soy sauce in the fridge. If you spend any amount of time in a school parking lot, especially at drop off or pick up, the sins of parents past and of parents present are woefully apparent.

I guess what I'm trying to say, in my usual long-winded way is this: parenting is hard. And despite our best intentions we are all going to make mistakes. The reality is, what we do when they're little will matter and it won't. Oh, that makes no sense, you say?

Welcome to parenthood. The best you can do is simply that: your best. Eff the haters, screw the judgy assholes, smother that awful self-doubt and focus on what's important. And remember this: in five, ten or fifteen years, your kid will be out there in the world, rubbing elbows with the people who sit behind screens and piously preen and pop out vitriol like giant Pez dispensers. Your job now is to make sure your baby doesn't become one of them.



  1. Replies
    1. So well said Jenny! You have been given a true gift in your writing and you use it very well!

  2. This should be posted at every pediatrician's office. And handed out at back to school night...

    1. Ahhh! That's so awesome that you think so, anon! Just wish people, moms in particular. could be gentler with each other. And focus on raising good kids!

      Thank you for reading.

  3. What is this world that you describe? Kids wiping their own butts... Smaller versions of adults... Freedom???

    I see glimpses of this, already. My kids are 7, 5, 3, and 1. And I already feel less scrutinized than I did a few years ago, when I first started having kids. Maybe by the time you have four kids, people figure they can't tell you how to raise them anymore?? Because if you have four kids you must be slightly crazy and/or have your shit together, at the same time?

    Love hearing thoughts from the other side. There's a lot of freedom offered in your words.

    1. GURL. Oh girl, LOLOL. I've been right where you are and yes, I think when you pass three kids people just kind of give up on you ;) A very good combo of crazy/organization, hahaha!

      I'm so glad you got something from this, and I'm so happy to give a little something to you while you're still deep in the trenches. Hang in there and hug those babies!

  4. "The reality is, what we do when they're little will matter and it won't."

    Truer words have never been spoken. Loved this! And I totally agree with Anonymous' assessment.

  5. As always, you are spot on. I look at the young adults that are my kids and their peers now and, yes I do remember who was on what regimen or fed what special diet (but that's because my memory is scary) but I don't see any of that. It's the compassion, manners, self suffiency, confidence and character building that set some of these kids apart now. And to stretch it even further to fit my own special niche, I can also tell which children were taught the Gospel and which only memorized the verses.

  6. You're a good Mom. Raising people of value is important, to be GOOD members of the human race. And while I don't know you personally, only what I read on this blog, I know that is what you are doing with your four. Thanks for being a inspiration to someone like me.

  7. You are such an awesome mom and blogger! Thanks for putting your words out there for all moms to take comfort in.

  8. Terrific post!! I'm going to keep a copy of this and (try and remember to) give it to my kids when they have kiddies of their own. Time goes by way too quickly to get hung up on the judgement of others, especially people you barely cared about in high school who only know you through Facebook Land! I'd like to hope my kids are some of the ones you may meet who hold the door and say please. If not, feel free to re-teach them - takes a village and all :o) As always, such a pleasure to read your post!

  9. This brought me back my conversation with my adult kids this Christmas.. They were saying similar things.. they knew which mom's did everything for their kid, since the kid/roommate, couldn't do dishes, couldn't clean up after themselves, etc. Ones that didn't have to work as hard b/c they were stepping into a family business, the ones that think of only themselves, never learned manners. Oh, god, not that I raised them to be perfect, far from it. I was the sahm, drove all those munchkins around.. while the other mom's were out there earning money. I would get so mad, I take my time to get you at school , drive you home, change my schedule for you.. and you can't say 2 words, Thank You.. ? My kids reminded me, not all kids were raised the same way.. they were never taught to say that. Now that mine are older.. I can tell many Mother's Days cards from both kids say they are thankful I taught them to be polite and caring. They ( and I ) are far from perfect, but we can go to sleep at night knowing we treated people we came in contact with that day with respect.

  10. This made me cry...as a relatively new mom...thank you!


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