2/5/14

Oh noes. Someone on Tumblr Hates Me


A friend sent me a link to what I believe is the very first open letter addressed specifically to ME. And what makes this special is...IT'S A HATE LETTER.

I receive a couple dozen messages/emails every week. Almost all of them are from women who have found my blog looking for support and help with divorce and single parenting. And I love them. Each and every one. I try to answer each one, although with my puppy-like attention span and work and ALL THESE KIDS I sometimes forget. But I do read all of them.

But hate? I have never been on the receiving end of hate. Unless you count my very first Twitter fight last month, which was oddly invigorating and shameful all at once. I'll discuss that one later (yeah, I took screen shots and everything. I devolved that evening.).

Of course this was in response to the article I kind of wish I'd never written, the 7 Things You Totes Need to Stop Saying piece. I mean, I know it was a joke and thankfully most of you knew it was a joke, but apparently there is a small slice of the population that doesn't understand how these jokey things work. And apparently this slice of the population squats on Tumblr. Which I will never understand, so I guess that kind of levels the playing field. As long as we all stay on our side of the internet, things will be fine, right? I'm over here with the mom-types, sharing crockpot recipes, discussing suspicious moles and talking about which house on Modern Family we'd most like to live in (my vote would be for the Dunphy's, of course). The angst-ridden riot-grrrrl banshees can stay over there with their kittehs and Dr Who memes and keep talking exactly however they want. Because at the end of the day, nobody cares. Including me.

I should mention at this time that had we been given the chance to be BFFs, these women would probably choke on their soy/extra espresso depth charges to learn that I adore Dr Who, Sherlock, Buffy and Star Wars. Yes, I'm a closeted fangirl myself although pressing issues such as raising four kids on my own, my impending unemployment and a horrifying resurgence of my adult ADHD occupy most of my time, I try to keep up with that stuff. Shocking, huh? (BTW...are you as pissed about the remake of Robocop as I am? It's not Robocop without Kurtwood Smith and Nancy Allen, grrrr!)

Here's my reply. Sorry it's late!

Dear Roane:

I am 47 years old. I'm glad we now know how old we both are. I was excited to hear that someone had invited me to perform intercourse on myself! It's been a while since anything intercoursey has happened to me so you can imagine how this got my bells ringing. This is the first time anyone has suggested that my ear be on the receiving end of a f*ck, and although I'm flattered by the request I'm going to have to say no thank you. I usually don't draw outside the lines when it comes to all things eff-related, so I'm going to let my ears be for now. Thanks again for the suggestion.

The thing about being over 30 and using the internet is that most of us are over 30 and are well aware of what to take seriously and what to take not-so-seriously. All the listicles and "Top Ten Ways To..." blog posts are not directed at you (unless they are, like your letter to me, specifically addressed to you). They are thought bubbles floating in cyberspace. I continue to find these shrill, defiant responses to my article as some of the funniest things I've come across in a long time. I used to imagine all of you sitting in coffee shops or on futon couches, angry spittle dangling off of your lip rings as you so zealously defend your right to keep saying feels and I know right and whatever else you think I told you was now off limits.

But lately, I've been getting a vision of 30-something women with Braveheart facepaint, clutching their kittehs to their chests, their "Team Cumberbatch" t-shirts soaked with sweat that reeks of indignation and wounded feels.

Kitteh clutchers. That's what I dub thee.

So fuck* you. Only not in the ear. Pick a different orifice. I will continue to write about whatever the hell I want. And no apologies if someone takes it the wrong way.

No love right back at ya,

Jennifer Ball, aged 47 and a quarter






And now I'm done discussing all things totes-related. Thank God, amirite?


*for the record, I dislike using the word fuck. I feel as though women like Roane and other people who toss it out as casually as "like" have ruined it. There is no power behind it anymore, and that makes me sad. Because when used wisely, it's a pretty good word. 


39 comments:

  1. Oh, now you're telling me I can't say fuck?

    WELL FUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOUUUUUUU!!!!!!

    *Runs away to write angry internet letter to you*

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  2. I use that word for when it is absolutely necessary. Used it a while ago and it made a good, close, long-term friend stop in her tracks. She said she knew I was angry, because when I use that word, it means something. As it should be.

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  3. LOL @ Mandy!

    Love you Babe. Not only that, I understand you. I have a pretty good grasp of the English language, and I recognize sarcasm when I see it. Too bad the Roanes of the world don't.

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    1. Love you too Leslie! And so glad you understand. I'd hate to see how you'd rip me apart ;)

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  4. Ha!
    I wish I had so little to do that I felt compelled to write open letters to blog writers.
    And I personally like to say the word Fuck. So fuck them. And their kittehs.

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    1. So you know that I throw the f-bomb around now and again. Especially after a cocktail, and most often with a "mother" in front of it. But I really loathe typing it out. Like, have you ever seen me use "fuck" in a text? Or on the facebook? I just have issues with it in written form, I think.

      And when my kids say it. Big Daddy used to call them "the little fuckers" so there's that. Sigh.

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  5. The "word" kittehs makes me want to wretch. But your 'pick another orifice' could be my new battle cry. I wish you got royalties for all the buzz you've generated by being cleverly and genuinely you. xoxo

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    1. The word "kitteh" hurts my eyes, friend. And OMG. If only re: royalties. IF ONLY!

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  6. I am 44 and 10/12, and I too recognize sarcasm, and I too like the word Fuck when used with feeling (not feels), and I had to google what a "kitteh" was. Keep on writing!

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  7. I am 40 and I say totes adorbs all the time, but it's all your fault! I had never heard it before reading your original post. Now I get great joy out of saying it to my 8 year old, complete with the typical, snotty, vapid high school girl voice. My daughter hates it so much, it's freakin' awesome! I plan on incorporating some of the other sayings into my routine to freak her out even more. So thanks for the original post, you improved both my vocabulary and my ability to mess with my kid!

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    1. Aww you're welcome, Stephanie. And thank you. I love this.

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  8. I said-and still say-like half the crap you wrote about in that piece. And I'm probably one of those people who diminishes the power of the word "fuck," too. And yet? No butt-hurt. No butt-hurt anywhere to be found. Some people NEED to be butt-hurt. It's their oxygen, because they have nothing else.

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    1. You are so not who I had in mind when I was thinking about diminishing the word fuck. It's more the people like that chick who wrote this hate mail, and the nasty commenters on some sites. I mean, as I replied to Danielle above, I love me a good mother effer. I say it quite often IRL. But when I write it, or type it out somewhere (here or in emails or texts, whatever) for some reason I have to really mean it.

      It has to be fuck-worthy sentence. And now I'm inspired to write about it, ha!

      And would you believe during my twitter fight, I was accused of being homophobic for using the word butt-hurt? Yes. That happened.

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  9. Wait! In the ear? Is that even possible? I don't see the thrill. You truly haven't arrived until you start to attract the internet kooks. I'm pretty sure the conspiracy theorists will soon decide that your blog is the cause of all that is wrong with the world, Yet, they will actually mention the blog, just quote it. Be happy that your words are causing such a reaction. Great writers always have their critics. Congrats on making it.

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    1. Bill I don't want to know if it's possible. I suppose, inter-specially it might be? I don't know about the great writer thing. But I guess it's a start :)

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  10. Perfectly written and pitched as usual. Love your blog!
    I don't get all the kitteh memes,the use of 'haz' and other similar bastardisations of the English language, but to each their own..
    Yes, I like a perfectly directed and timed fuck too - well a verbal fuck is all I'm able to give these days, towards my ex, to which he's had plenty over the last couple of days. Was very satisfying, but not as satisfying as the real thing ;)

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    1. Thank you! The ex. Oh, the ex. Do you say it directly to him? I say it a lot to mine, but usually only in the rants I save for my alone time in the car.

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    2. The other day I let fly at him - I swore like the proverbial sailor!
      http://ayearfromgroundzero.blogspot.com.au/2014/02/detour-off-high-road.html

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  11. Oh my...there still are peeps out there who have so very little in their lives they truly have nothing better to do than write you hate letters over a thoroughly humorous post you wrote over 2 months ago?? Really? I'd feel sorry for this Roane thing, if she didn't sound like such a fucking ignorant stupid jerk. Ooops...f-bomb, sorry! I'd be the first to admit to having a major potty mouth -- no butt-hurt meant! Haha Seriously -- I second what everyone else said, and I LOLed at your response to this Roane thing. ROCK ON!!

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    1. I think they're all perpetual grad students ;)

      And for the record, I endorse the usage of "fuck". I don't want to get into any more trouble with the ladies who swear.

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  12. What a perfect letter!!!! I guess in some small way getting hate mail means that you have arrived though I could think of better ways to celebrate the occasion. Roses, chocolate, all better than a hate letter!! Thanks for showing that you can respond to hate with grace and class!

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    1. Thanks Kathy! I don't know about arriving...I will take food, alcohol and cash too :)

      Thanks for reading!

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  13. eh opinions are like assholes everyone has one - but I totes thought your article was funny and I do say things that are in your article on occasion but I still thought it was funny and it didn't make me mad at all - I think some people are overly sensitive

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  14. Love it, keep doing what you are doing! Good stuff

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  15. LOVE IT!! Good for you. Perfectly written response and the Braveheart photo at the bottoms well that seals the deal! You are such an amazing strong women. Keep on keeping on. Andrea

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  16. I always loved your blog and I think it's pretty awesome that you stand up against hate letters. But please don't make this you against people who actively participate in fandoms in general. They do what they enjoy, just like you do what you enjoy. The fact one of them is rude to you doesn't mean you should feel free to ridicule a group of people. Thank you. Hope you have a good day.

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    1. Anon, thank you for this very kind and very civil comment. You could have ripped me a new one, and to be honest, it would have been semi-deserved. I re-read this, several times, and yes, I do come across as being a judgmental bitch towards all things fandom. That was not my intent.

      I did indeed conjure up images of a very certain part of the population.And I'm not like that. I apologize for that.

      We had a hockey tournament this weekend. We had breakfast at Perkins and I saw a girl walk in with a purse that said "I'm SHER-LOCKED" or something. I smiled.

      Deep down I am a fangirl. And if I was younger or childless or had a different life, I'd probably be on Tumblr too. And maybe I'd have had a vitriolic response to some stupid post written on a whim by a woman who lived in a different universe than me.

      The thing is, she put my name on her post. She attacked me, and was a complete twat about it. I've never asked anyone, in real life or online, to fuck themselves in the ear. She threw down, and I responded. Should I have left out the Sherlock, Dr Who stuff? Maybe. But I was irritated.

      My apologies if you were offended by what I wrote. That wasn't my intention. And my apologies to all of those who do the fandom thing and aren't bitches.

      Thank you again for being kind about this. I sincerely hope you have a good day too.

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    2. Anon above. Thanks for your kind reply. I do understand where you came from. It makes me feel happy that we can address our differences in a civil and amiable way on the internet. Good luck for the job thing!

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    3. :) Now, don't get me started on those Downton Abbey chicks...

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  17. Getting hate mail means you have ARRIVED as a blogger... people actually care what you think enough to be offended by it! I want some hate mail! But I do not want to be fucked in the ear either.

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  18. I can't find the offending post...I regularly read your posts and can't imagine any of your written work as deserving of anyone's hateful response.

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