10/1/13

Is That Frosting Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

Yeah, I bought Toaster Strudels. Judge me all you want. I also bought a kilo of ramen noodles. Does it make me a better person if I tell you there was organic chicken in the same cart? 

There are times I feel as though I need to explain my food purchases to everyone else in the grocery store, and the cashier as well. "It's so the kids can make themselves a snack!" I want to say. "I bought a ton of fruit and vegetables at Costco yesterday. I swear." "Lunchables are the lazy mom's bento box, yo. QUIT LOOKING IN MY CART!"

Grocery shopping is kind of traumatic for me.

So here's where I was going with this post. I bought Toaster Strudels. Four boxes of them. Because they were cheap, and because my kids like them. And every once in a while, I buy them crappy food because they like it. There. I have officially come out. Of the freezer, that is.

Last night, before I put on my sleep mask and fell asleep at 9:30, Henry asked if I would please wake him up early. "Like, 5:00, Mom."

Henry used to be my favorite kid in the mornings. Just a tap on the shoulder and he'd hop up, a smile on his sweet chubby face and a "Good morning, mama!" just for me.

Now he's 16. And waking him up requires stamina, patience and sometimes full body armor. 

There's the initial shoulder tap/nudge. The whispered, "Hey Henry, good morning! Time to get up honey!". This is met with silence. Not a muscle twitches.

A more vigorous shake follows. Voice raises from gentle mommy whisper to conversational volume: "Hey, Henry! You asked me to wake you up early! Time to rise and shine!". 

A grunt. One eye opens, sizes me up. Closes again.

Annoyed voice from mom now. I have things to do, you know. "HENRY! Get up! Come on. Do you want a Toaster Strudel?" Now you see why I have four boxes of these processed nightmares in my freezer. THEY ARE BAIT.

Two eyes are open now. A yawn. One impossibly long, hairy leg sticks out. "Okay, okay. I'm awake. Yeah, I want a Toaster Strudel."

Because I'm an enabler, I go into the kitchen and make the strudel. "Time to make the strudel" I say to myself. Myself laughs at my funny reference. 

During my brief college career, three years in total, I spent every summer working in a bakery. It was called "Robert's Bakery" and was a true mom and pop operation, owned by Robert and his wife Charlotte. They were good people. During those summers, I arose at 4:30 every morning and headed out to really, and truly, make the donuts. And the cakes, the bread, the bagels. Sometimes I decorated the cakes, and by the end of my bakery run I was pretty good at it. Good enough to make some really cool cakes for my babies, and good enough so I watch shows like Cake Boss and say, "Pffft. I could totally do that."

Apparently handling frosting isn't like riding a bike. I realized that this morning. You see, this is what a Toaster Strudel looks like in the commercials:





And this is what the horror show in my kitchen looked like:




Because I am a gentlelady, and I don't want to make some of my more sensitive readers go away, I will refrain from saying what I am really thinking my spastic frosting looks like (were you thinking what I was thinking? Because that's what I was thinking. Sorry, gentle readers. I can't stop myself). To me, it looks like the Pillsbury Dough Boy left something "extra special" on my strudels.

I served them to my crabby, semi-awake son anyway.

Have a fabulous Tuesday, people. And remember, for every grocery cart of crap you see, there's a mom with justifications behind it. Be gentle.

28 comments:

  1. Here's to you starting my day laughing out loud.......

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    1. Yay! I love hearing that! Thanks for reading Jeannette :)

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  2. Makes my day when I see a new blog post from you...can't wait to read it b/c I know I'll be cracking up...I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you Jenny! I will never look at a toaster strudel the same again!

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    1. Aww Sil. I love seeing comments from you! I'm with ya on the Strudel.

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  3. Gosh girl, I take pride in all the 2-for-1 crap food I can get when the coupons/deals are just right! I need that shit as leverage to get my kids to move. Yesterday in fact I bought 4 cans of pringles. I think most of your readers get this.

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    1. Edible Leverage. I love it. And I love Pringles. thanks for reading!

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  4. My oldest loves the toaster strudel. I refuse to buy them. Grandma buys copious amounts when they're on sale and stashes them in the chest freezer in the basement when I'm not home. I can't even stand the way they smell when they're toasting. But don't worry, I am so not judging you for buying them. As long as you're not judging me for the microwavable cheeseburgers and chicken sandwiches in my cart.

    And I once commented to my son as he frosted his strudel, "Do you know what that looks like?" He turned his innocent eyes to me and asked, "What?" "Umm, way too much sugar at breakfast time," is what I replied. Great and twisted minds think alike, Jenny.

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    1. HA! Imagine those sweet innocent eyes if you had told him what you REALLY thought it looked like! And sister, you get ZERO judgment from me. I have microwavable chicken sandwiches from Costco in the freezer too.

      Love to know there are other twisted, great minds out there :) Thanks for reading!

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  5. I was totally thinking what you were thinking. Someday I'll have to tell you about our trip to South Dakota and the Reptile Gardens ;)

    And don't worry, I always have some crap in the grocery cart. It doesn't usually hit me until it's all up on the belt ready to be scanned, and then I'm like "Whoa, that's a lot of crappy shit!" But I usually try to hide the crap strategically around the kitchen. It never works.

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    1. OMG. Reptile jizz? Say it ain't so!

      The Belt of Shame. That's where it's all laid out for God and everyone to see. I think the poor cashiers have seen it all. Maybe the guy behind you had nothing but two boxes of condoms and a can of Crisco.

      Thanks for reading!

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  6. Ha! The Pillsbury comment just made my day. Thank you, I needed the laugh.

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    1. Aww I'm glad you had a much-needed laugh, Lisa. Hope you're doing okay!

      Thanks so much for reading!

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  7. I could lone you one rambunctious, large puppy who has no sense of personal space bubbles. John Wayne has turned out to be a valuable alarm clock.

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  8. Lazy mom's bento box! Love it. This particular bento refusenik salutes you.

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    1. ahhh! SC I love that post :) Amen, sistah. I don't spend time on my damn hair, why would I spend it on shaping food to look like pandas and bunnies?

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  9. Jizz, right? (what did no one say it yet?) I know, I see it too. They need to put food coloring in it or something. *GAG*

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    1. I wanted to title this "Jizz in My Strudels" but I hate being too edgy.

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    2. Haaaa! I was going to say "Jizz" too but worried I might get in trouble.

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    3. Happy Hausfrau does not judge. (Much) ;)

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  10. Hey Jenny, just think of it as "toaster strudel with a pearl necklace"...right? Heeheehee! So I told Greg about this post since he hadn't had a chance to read it yet, and he starts singing -- I kid you not -- "I met a jizz-soaked strudel in the toaster..." (Funny guy I married! He's always kidding me about my juvenile sense of humor, then he ENCOURAGES me in it :) Now hopefully, in case Messrs. Jagger or Richards read that, they won't sue him for copyright infringement...

    Oh, and no judging here about what's in your cart -- strudels or otherwise! What Gail said is exactly right. I don't even have kids and I get it: if the only stuff they'll eat sometimes is processed food, then let 'em have it -- they have to eat, and you have to save your sanity and pick your battles! I used to love S'mores Pop-Tarts, myself...and still have a major weakness for sugar-filled cereals and all kinds of other junk. So I'd be the last person to judge you. No one else's business anyhow.

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  11. As for getting Henry up early, I've got one word for you: "clocky". Look it up on youtube.

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    1. LMAO. I love it! I might get one for each kid this Christmas. HA!!!

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  12. OMG this entire comment string is cracking me up.

    And yes, I immediately thought "jizz" as soon as I saw your toaster spooge.

    I feed my kids crap all the time. I grew up on crap. If it's good enough for me, it's good enough for them.

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    1. It's funny stuff. I've been singing "Jizz In My Pants" for two days.

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  13. That's hilarious! I love how he was probably too tired to even think anything besides "mm toaster strudel get in my belly now."

    PS--As someone who worked both at Target and a grocery store, I can say that some cashiers notice what you buy and judge you. The vast, vast majority cannot even remember what you bought or your face 5 minutes after you leave unless you do something dramatic to make us recall. No one was like, "TOASTER STRUDELS? I BET YOU'RE FEEDING THIS TO YOUR CHILDREN INSTEAD OF GOOD WHOLESOME FOOD." Most likely they were like, "Maybe I'll get a beer after my shift...and a donut from the 'manager special' section. Good plan me."

    PPS--Have you ever read "Sunshine" by Robin McKinley? Just brought it to mind from your adventures in college.

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    1. Athena, I cashiered at Target in high school...and all I remember is the painful silence whenever I'd have to ring up a box of condoms for a man. Painful.

      And no, I haven't read Sunshine! I need to, right? Off to check it out on Amazon :)

      Thank you for reading!

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  14. I laughed so hard I had to cover my mouth. I too was thinking of a naughty when I saw the 'icing' on the strudel. I have fallen in love with your blog and plan on reading it from here on out. Thank you 😜

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