10/5/13

Oh The Parents You Meet in the School Drop Off Lane

Do you ever wonder where rude, entitled, self-centered kids come from? 

Go check out the parent drop-off lane at your nearby school some morning. There, you will meet the people who produced these children. 

Thankfully, most days my kids make the bus or get rides from their friends. I have to be at work by 7:30 a.m., so basically, if they miss it we have to high-tail it outta here immediately. Mama don't have time to dilly-dally in the a.m., people. Don't tell my kids I said this, but these spontaneous morning drives are actually pretty nice. Some of our best conversations have happened in the car.

It's always cool until we hit the drop off lane. I'm a laid back lady. I'm not a honker, a screamer, or a tailgater. Sometimes I will whisper obscenities under my breath. Sometimes these obscenities shock even me, the kind where for a second I get worried that my phone has accidentally dialed someone and they've overheard me calling someone a c*ck sucker. Because that, my friends, is a word that will sometimes tumble out of my piehole without warning. Especially if I'm PMSing. (and relax, it only happens when I'm alone in the car...okay maybe Walter has heard it a time or two..don't tell our vet). Of course I drop the eff bomb, usually prefaced with "mother". Asshole happens. I may or may not have called a lady driver or two a "pretentious twat". Sometimes I will observe angry silver-haired men driving luxurious little sports cars like they are fighter jets and whisper, "I'm so sorry about that erectile dysfunction!"

But all of this is muttered with a smile on my face. I get it off my chest and all they see is a frizzy haired middle aged lady smiling like a lunatic behind the wheel of her crappy little Ford Focus. We're all good.

Where was I going with this? Oh yes! The parent drop off lane. 

William missed his bus yesterday. Nothing drama related, no shoe hunt or forgotten homework involved, just a "lost track of time" thing. We hustled into the car, had a sweet chat and pulled into the school drop off lane. 

That's where we met these people:

MR VIP: He's more important than you. Or me. Basically he's more important than anyone. He's VERY IMPORTANT. So it's okay for him to pull up to the front of the line. And then pull out without looking. Because he has very important places to be, you see. Don't get in his way. Oh, what's that? He's blocked you in? That's okay. Where you have to be is nowhere nearly as important as him. You can wait.

The Long Goodbye Mom: This is the mom who needs to tell her child something really crucial. Only she waits until said child has stepped out of the car and is about the shut the door. Said child stands there, door open, listening to mom. For an eternity. 

Confused Parent: This is the mom or dad who can't quite figure out the flow of things. Which is totally understandable, except for the fact that they've been dropping their kid off every morning for the past three years. I suspect they are probably the same people who drive the wrong way through one way lanes in shopping mall parking lots. You know, the ones who are going the opposite way the parking spots are slanted? Yeah. Them.

The Chatty Kathy Klub: You've seen them: one mom is walking through the parking lot, and stops to gab with a friend who's in the drop off lane. She leans in, hand resting on the hood of her friend's car, and they laugh and laugh for a while. Eventually she looks up and realizes there are other people in the world besides her and her gal pal, and some of these other people have formed a line that stretches out to the street in front of the school so they wrap up the conversation. Slowly. "See you at yoga!" ...and scene. Your child is about to be tardy, but that's okay. Kimmy and Pepper are all caught up now, and that's what matters.

The Angry Parent: This one is not as laid back as most of us. This one is pissed, and isn't shy about letting it show. They will honk. They will yell things out the window. They will peel out of the lane and drive way too fast through the parking lot, and if you're really lucky, they'll throw their cigarette butt out the window for good measure. What Angry Parent should really do is join Kimmy and Pepper at yoga, right? Get that chi centered and whatnot.

Sister Cellphone (sung to the tune of Sister Christian, yo): 
  
Sister Cellphone oh the time has come
And you know that you're the only one
to say, "call you back, okay?"
Who you callin', who you textin' to?
You know your kid's tryin' to talk to you
It's true 
(big drum build up)
IT'S TRUE!
You're cellphone-ing!

And that's all I've got for Sister Cellphone. She's on her phone when she drops her kid off, she's on it when she picks him up. She's on it when you pass her in the school hallway, at the soccer game and during the band concert. Girlfriend has a problem. And let's hope, one hell of a data plan.

Did I leave anyone out? Aside the frizzy haired grinning maniac in the shitty silver Ford Focus listening to the Violent Femmes and thinking about the Andrew McCarthy sex dream she had last night? We can call that one "Stuck in the 80's Mom". I hear she's fun to hang out with, though, so she has that going for her.
 
Now, I should note that these are the people I've observed in the junior high parking lot. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt in the elementary parking lot, because they are newer at this whole thing. The junior high parents? They should know better by now. 

And don't get me started on the high school parking lot. That's where their kids drive.










22 comments:

  1. I love this! And I don't give the elementary parents a break... if you haven't gotten the flow down by October 1 you are a self-important d-bag. I hate the " doesn't pull all the way to the front of the circle because I don't want to make my precious darling walk any more steps than absolutely necessary so I'm going to drop my magnificent spawn right at the entry gate and screw the rules, they don't apply to me" parent. they almost always drive an SUV with a Jesus fish on the back.

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    1. ^^^ OMG YES!!! There are like five of those at my kid's school!

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    2. For some reason, the elementary parking lot, while full of a-holes, didn't get my blood boiling the way the junior high lot does.

      I forgot to mention the parents that insist on sitting in their car, watching until their child is completely out of sight. AND THEY STILL DO IT AT THE JUNIOR HIGH. What do they think is going to happen to them in the 10 feet between car door and school door?

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  2. Oh God, The Chatty Kathy Klub. Those gals really piss me off. These are the same women the rest of us have to kiss up to because they also run everything in the school...effing PTO/Booster Club/Fundraising fanatics in Yoga pants $5.00 no foam soy lattes!

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    1. Beware the Uber Volunteers! I'm so glad to be done with that phase. Now I only have to kiss up to the parents who run the Senior class parties. One down, three to go!

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  3. I'm the "I'm so early mom, there's no one else in the circle driveway" mom.

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    1. Mandy, for some reason I thought you'd be the "feeding my kids their toaster strudel breakfast two seconds before they get out of the car" mom... :)

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  4. There's actually an ordinance in my city that prohibits cell phone use within posted school zones. You're fined up to $250 depending on the number of offenses. So Sister Cellphone would be taking her chances here.
    I'm a battle-weary veteran of the drop off line. I always have to be careful in the spring, after a winter of closed car window swearing, to remember that the windows are now open to catch the gentle early morning breeze. And everyone can hear me screaming "Jesus f--king Christ, move your God d--- f--king car, you f--king moron!!!!!!!"

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    1. I should have gone to police man school because I have a thirst for justice. I want to pull people over and give them Asshole Tickets. Can we make that happen?

      And LMAO at the windows down. I have to do that at home, too. Adjust to quiet screaming in the spring.

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  5. Replies
    1. ahh..that would imply that he's driven the kids to school..which he has not done. Not once. Not ever. NEVER. Did I mention he's never driven the kids to school? A hole.

      For him, VIP stand for Virtually Invisible Parent.

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  6. So true, all of it! I especially loathe the parents who PARK THEIR CARS in the drop off lane to run in to the school quickly. Yes, that won't interrupt the flow of vehicles and exiting children at all, you self-important morons.

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    1. Sweet baby Jesus. The Parkers! Like they own the place! I want to rear end them.

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  7. Replies
    1. I think we all know a Kimmy or Pepper, right?

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  8. When I was in high school, my uncle gave me his old Saturn for my 16th birthday. Thing was, it was a stick shift. My mom knew from dropping me off at school that the parking lots were murder scenes waiting to happen. So, she did two things: 1. Made me get up an extra hour early so that I could haltingly drive to school while literally no one else was on the roads while I was still learning how to manage the manual shifting, and 2. Began a petition to get someone to direct the traffic flow.

    Yes, my mom was the one who decided that enough was enough with the crazy drop off, senior parking, other-thru-traffic mania when her baby was going to be the one on the roads. So, for the year it took for the school board and the county board to approve someone directing traffic in and out (and someone managing the drop off line so that it moved smoothly!) I woke up an extra hour. I was SO HAPPY when my mom told me that they finally had the person to direct traffic so that I could sleep another hour.

    I wish every school had someone in charge of directing that drop off traffic. Because moms and dads and high-school kids are fucking lunatics.

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    1. I love your mom. I think you are right: every school needs someone out there to direct traffic! It's a blessed miracle that more kids aren't mowed down. Or rude parents aren't killed, angry-villager-style.

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  9. You nailed it so perfectly... ;) Last week I saw the "MY KID'S RECORD MUST BE FREE OF TARDIES" mom who, when the car-loop gate was closing, burned rubber to try to drop her kid off at the gate and shove him through before it closed. The teacher on car-loop duty totally lost her shiz on that momma and made the kid get back in the car and the mom had to drive back around and sign his little ass in late. IT. WAS. AWESOME.

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    1. Ahhh...love this! It falls under my favorite passive aggressive line: Lack of planning on your part doesn't constitute an emergency on my part. Pfft. Get Prince Sleepyhead up a little earlier next time, Mom.

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  10. I don't use carline but so thankful for my son's school. The carline runs like a well oiled machine with an occasional hiccup. There is one way in and one way out. Cones are out so no one can pull out of the line and go around anyone. The cars have to pull ALL the way down and patrols line up to let the kids out. Period. Same thing at pickup. No cell phones are allowed.

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    1. I'm actually jealous of your school's carline. Sounds like a different universe :)

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