9/23/13

If You Give A Mom A Vicodin...

A couple of weeks ago I had a pain. Now, me and pain, we go way back. We have a mutual understanding: I will ignore pain, and pain usually goes away. If pain doesn't go away? I turn to the world wide web.

I'm freakishly healthy. There are colds here and there, yeah. And now I'm getting my first taste of "old lady aches and pains". But the times in my life when I've experienced Real Pain have been few and far between. 

I've had three c-sections, and with each one I was up and out of that damn bed within a couple of hours of having my abdomen opened up. The main motivator in these instances was not wanting to hold my sweet new babes, but rather, to get that $%&*#@@ catheter out of my pee pee.

The lone vaginal birth was horrifying (in my world, VBAC is slang for "Girl, your Vagina Be All Cut up!") but again, after a thousand or so stitches, all was calm on the lady garden front. And back, and everywhere in between. But I digress.

My mouth has also been fantastically pain free. No major dental issues, no major procedures. 

So when I started having a weird jaw pain a couple weeks ago, I gave it the cold shoulder. "I probably bit too hard on that damn Mentos" I told myself. "It'll be fine in a day or two." I slugged back a few Advil and went on my merry way. 

By the end of the week, however, it was taking more and more Advil to ignore the pain, and my inner hypochondriac shoved cold shoulder girl aside. "I got this, dumbass" she said, as she fired up the laptop and Googled "pain in left jaw". 

OMG.

Within five minutes, Hypochondriac Me was convinced we were in the throes of a heart attack, or bone cancer, or a stroke or an ear infection. Or all of those things, simultaneously. 

Luckily, common sense prevailed (but not before I started wondering if anyone would make a Meal Train for me if it really was something bad) and I narrowed it down to two possibilities: something tooth related, or something ear related.

Of course the pain peaked around 2:00 a.m. on Saturday. Our regular dentist is only open four days a week, and Saturdays aren't one of them. So I called the Health Partners Emergency line and in between sobs I managed to get an appointment at another dental clinic first thing in the morning. My apologies to the poor woman on the other end of the line. (I'm beginning to notice a trend here...me, sobbing on the phone to various customer service reps. Comcast, the power company, Health Partners...hmmm.  Who's next?)

(AT&T reps...you've been warned.)

The dentist said he saw nothing in my mouth that could be causing the pain. "Sometimes these things take a while to manifest" he said as he snapped off his gloves. "Give us a call in the next few days if you're still hurting." And then he said these magic words:

"In the meantime, I'll give you a prescription for some Vicodin. That way you can get some sleep!"

Now, these words were magic because I was in such awful pain, such throbbing, pulsating pain, that the mere mention of a painkiller filled me with joy. But...I was also a little worried. I've had friends become addicted to painkillers. Plus, Matthew Perry. 

I worry a lot about addiction. About becoming dependent on ANYTHING. This worry keeps my cocktail consumption in check, it kind of keeps my food consumption in check, and so far, aside from a brief dabbling in ADD medication, it's kept me completely terrified of pharmaceuticals. Because I've seen firsthand how it overtakes lives. And I don't have time for that. 

I got the Vicodin prescription filled. And I hesitated to take the first one, even though the logical part of my brain knew it would bring some relief. My BFF Danielle, no stranger to pain herself, ordered me to take one. 

I sent her a text after the first pill was dutifully swallowed: "Down the hatch!".

And within minutes, the agony in my mouth went away. I was on cloud nine. I kept careful track of my Vicodin consumption over the next few days, vigilantly writing down the times I took each one. Visions of frighteningly thin pre-rehab Chandler Bing ran through my mind, you see, so I wanted to make very sure that I never exceeded the recommended amount.

I was also given antibiotics on the off chance that the pain was an ear infection. And let me tell you this: when your friend who happens to be a doctor tells you to "eat lots of yogurt to avoid the antibiotic-induced yeast infections and shits", YOU EAT THE YOGURT, ladies. I skipped the yogurt one day. It's one thing to push your own children out of the way while you clench-run to the bathroom, it's another thing entirely when it's a wall of preschoolers standing between you and the grown-up sized toilets at the school. 

Miss Jenny was not at the top of her game that week, kids. My apologies.

It ended up being a cracked tooth. And I ended up having my first root canal, which I found to be completely painless. In fact, the second my mouth was numbed up I felt like the old me. I managed to not chew my lips off, and dare I say, I may have lost a couple of pounds due to not being able to eat with the left side of my mouth for a week.

And I did NOT become addicted to Vicodin. I did, however, keep the leftovers. 

Just in case.




18 comments:

  1. I have a torrid, mostly un-consumated love affair with Percoset. I've never gone over the edge but, oh man, I'm sure I would if I wasn't careful and paranoid. ;) I never let the doc give me more than a few days worth when I have needed it because I am sure if he gave me twenty I would take twenty. It feels that scary good.

    Glad you're on the mend. I thought of you while I was eating peanuts this weekend. Weird. In know.

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    1. My daughter had some Percoset after a bout with kidney stones, made her really sick. That turned me off. But now you've turned me on again.

      I'm flattered that you thought of me at all! Thanks for reading, Kelly :)

      Delete
  2. I love pharms and I've loved lots them in the past. I can't have them unless I'm in a similar situation as you were in b/c I love them so very much. The person I'm coupled with also writes down when he uses them for pain to keep things in check. He too has loved them. I'm happy to read about your opiate experience.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Gail, I totally get what you're saying. I could easily love them too much.

      We need to see each other soon! Email me at my blog email address: happyhausfrau@comcast.net I don't check the other one very often anymore.

      Delete
  3. Girl, ya get me every time. Of course my favorite part was the part about running for the shitter. I have no idea why I love poop so much. I'm such a classy lady.

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    1. Poop is inherently funny. If you can't laugh at poop we can't be friends.

      Keep it classy, Kristen. (you need a t-shirt with that on it)

      Thanks for reading!

      Delete
  4. Tooth pain is the stuff of nightmares. I think I probably will have one tonight now after reading this. Thanks Miss Jenny!

    Kudos on not overdoing the big V. That's scary stuff. And I would have too-skinny-Chandler visions too. I totally remember that phase of his.

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    1. I was kind of obsessed with Friends a while back. And it was FREAKY how much Chandler changed in between seasons. Not that I'm mocking him, because there but for the grace of God go I and all that jazz.

      Thanks for reading!

      Delete
  5. Yeah, I thought I might have to go over there and stuff one of those in an olive or something to make you take it.
    I am also quite weary of painkillers when I have to take them, especially after having my knee surgery. When I no longer really needed them to control the pain, I started finding myself thinking how fun it was just to take one before I go to sleep. Common sense prevailed, thank God. And then when I stopped the damn Percocet, I had crazy Restless Leg Symdrome for three days. I sobbed in the chair for three nights and swore never again. Then the doctor says, "Oh yeah. Some people get that when they are trying to come off Percocet." Of course I was one.
    Sigh. Damned if you do, damned if you don't, and all that.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. OMG...an olive? Why didn't I think of that?

      And ahhhh....I'd been taking two Vicodin right before I went to sleep. It was the only dose I had pangs about when I no longer needed them. Because it was nice to drift off into a painfree sleep.

      Delete
  6. I tried to comment on this from my kindle and that just doesn't work very well for me.
    Wanted to put my request in to be president of your fan club. Please!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! Well, seeing as how you are the ONLY one vying for the job, IT'S ALL YOURS!

      Delete
  7. I love the way you write and completely empathize. I'm scared $hitless of pain meds too but thank you sweet Lord for the vicodin and percs! The visual of you running for the shitter is hilarious and VBAC?! Just, wow. I work with vaginas all day and know its just a matter of time before I let that gem slip to one of my girls. Glad you're feeling better too :)

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    1. Seriously, thank you sweet Lord. Honestly, it was the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. I'm surprised I didn't pass out a couple of times.

      You work with vaginas all day long? You must have some stories for us :)

      Thank you so much for reading!

      Delete
  8. I had my first root canal recently too! And it wasn't as bad as I've been dreading for the years after I first heard what one even was. Next on my to do list is a crown... but I gotta save that for January and the start of a new insurance year. Stupid maximums on dental insurance. I refuse to pay a grand out of pocket for a tooth. (Hopefully the joke isn't on me though and that tooth doesn't fall out and I have a huge gap there and the dentist will say 'I told you so'.)

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  9. I completely understand how people can get addicted to painkillers. When I had my own kidney stone episode, I got my first introduction to percoset. My prescription was for 50! They are nice...really, really nice. And after my husband's arm surgery over the summer, I might have made sure that he didn't get rid of any leftover percosets that he received. You never know.

    Glad that your tooth is better and hope you're done with the shits :)

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  10. I love c-sections. A lovely baby and morphine. Two miracles.

    Jenny, I love you and your writing!!!

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  11. I was in the emergency room a week or so ago in horrific pain. Pain so bad I actually PASSED OUT FROM IT.

    Anyway, they put Dilaudid in my IV.It was magical. It was lovely. I heard Sammy Davis singing "Candyman" just like in the movie Madagascar.

    Later, I googled "Dilaudid" and found out that its nickname is "Hospital Heroin."

    Awesome.

    ReplyDelete

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