My Daughter's Birthmark Looks Like A Hickey. Does That Bother You?

My daughter, Molly, had a very traumatic birth. It was like a scene from ER, actually, the episode where Bradley Whitford's tv wife was having a baby and the baby got stuck. Only in Molly's case, both mom and baby lived. And there sure as heck wasn't any sexy Bradley Whitford there, either. 

I wish.

Anyhoo. My point is, after having a less-than-ideal birth, the last thing you're going to stress about is a birthmark. Molly had a tiny mark on her neck. It was less than an inch long, red, and slightly raised. Our pediatrician looked at it and announced that it was a small hemangioma, also known as an angel's kiss or salmon patch. "It'll be gone by the time she's five" he assured me. But like I said, after almost dying from blood loss, all I cared about was the fact that my baby girl and I were both alive. Birthmark, schmirthmark. 

Molly is now 17. And so is the birthmark. Yep, it's still there. Over time it changed, and went from a small little red bump to a flatter little cluster of red dots. 

It looks exactly like a hickey. And it's exactly where a hickey might end up on a girl's neck. 

When she was younger, like before age 10? No big whoop. A little red mark on a little girl's neck didn't cause much uproar. But as she got closer to puberty, the comments started. Funny little comments at first, "Haha! That thing on her neck looks just like a hickey!" and "Hoo boy...that's going to cause some trouble when she's older."

And then, the not so funny comments began. "Do you know your daughter has a hickey on her neck?" "I can't believe she's walking around with a hickey." "Mrs. Molly's Mom, this is Teacher Busybody. Just calling to talk to you about the matter of Molly's hickey." Yeah. The beginning of the school year always brings a few calls or emails. Seriously.

But through it all, Molly has been remarkably nonchalant about it. I've asked her, probably way too many times, if it bugs her. If she wants to have it removed. Her answer is always the same:

"Nope. Doesn't bother me. I think it's kind of funny, actually."

Have I mentioned how much I love my daughter? 

So, the birthmark hasn't been much of an issue. Until she started working at the home improvement store. 

This summer, she got a job at the local Home Depot-type store in our neighborhood. It's been the perfect summer job for her. We live about two blocks away, the hours are great and she loves her coworkers. 

She loves everything about it, except for some of the customers. Apparently, the fumes from paint and light fixtures and plumbing material does some damage to the filters in some customer's brains. Because they like to comment on her birthmark.

It's always men, and the comments range from jokey to downright asshole-ish. One dad, holding his kid, said, "Oh wow, Johnny, look at the owie on that girl's neck! I know what she was doing!". And just the other night, one man had the balls to say to her, "I don't mean to be rude, but nice hickey." (you don't mean to be rude????)

Molly handles all of this so much better than I would. She's polite. Unfailingly polite, and calm. "It's a birthmark" she explains. "Everyone thinks it's a hickey." She says they usually apologize, which is good. And I secretly hope they feel sheepish and ashamed about it. But the "don't mean to be rude" guy just said, "Uh huh. Sure." 

He's so lucky I wasn't behind him in line. 

My worry is that the more Molly steps out into the world, the bigger of an issue her birthmark will become. When she goes to college next year, when she starts interviewing for her first real job, when she starts dating. It's all well and good here in our little suburban bubble, but how many "don't mean to be rude" people are out there? And for every single person who decides that it's perfectly okay to remark on a person's appearance, how many are silently tsk tsking, judging and making all sorts of assumptions and presumptions about my baby girl?

I think the thing that really irks me about this is that Molly is probably the last girl on earth who would end up with a hickey. She's a rarity, a 17 year old girl who doesn't party, who isn't boy crazy and who spends the majority of her time either home or at work or with her small cluster of good girlfriends. But even if she was a party girl who went out every night with a different guy every time, that shouldn't matter.

Really, does anyone deserve these kind of remarks? If it was an actual hickey on my girl's neck, would those people have some kind of free pass to say those things? Sure, we can judge all we want within the confines of our skulls, or on the phone to our friends or with our spouses over dinner. But is it ever okay to comment on someone's appearance? 

I don't know. Maybe I'm overthinking this. Maybe I'm letting mom worry take over. Maybe what I really need to do is accept the fact that my daughter is growing up and so far?

She seems to be handling this one just fine all on her own.

(but I'll still help her get it removed if she changes her mind)