Dear Kotex: Please Sponsor Me at BlogHer '13.

Desperate times require desperate measures. I want to go to BlogHer '13 in Chicago. Like, really bad (badly? Sometimes I wish I had finished college).

A funny friend of mine has been working her brain into a smoking frenzy trying to figure out ways for me to raise enough money to get to BlogHer. We've discussed kidney selling, webinars, plasma donating and although we haven't mentioned "fetish niche" out loud, I have a feeling that's on her radar too.  

And then I had a brilliant idea: Hey, how about a sponsorship? Surely one of the corporations in our beautiful capitalist country have some spare change in those deep pockets..enough to send little old me to Chi-town in order to drink watered down martinis with other women who spend too much time staring at screens? Surely they do. I got to thinking..which companies should I contact?

1. An online dating service. And then I remembered, I just wrote a HuffPo piece about how I don't date anymore. Plus, there was that time I wrote about how I met a felon on eHarmony. Yeah. That might not be cool with them.  Next!

2. Alfred Dunner.  Only, I own just one piece of Alfred's couture. Might not be enough. Next!

3. Weight Watchers. I am still paying them every month, but somehow I managed to gain 7 pounds during a 5 day power outage. You know why? Because it's easy to eat a lot of cookies in the dark. That's why. Plus all that cheese was going to go bad anyway.....   Next!

4. Any vodka manufacturer. But then I thought, wait. That might send the wrong message to my kids. And the pathetic Pavlovian-drooling that happened when I started thinking about free vodka made me hate myself. There's enough shame in my life, dammit!  

Oh and then the heavens opened and a silvery beam of starlight made its way down to me. It kissed my forehead, softly and with a slightly opened mouth. And it said to me:

"DUH. Ask Kotex if they'll sponsor you. After all, you and you alone have sent at least one executive to the Cayman Islands. All those boxes of SuperPlus don't come cheap, ya know."

The heavens had a point. After all, the post that BlogHer honored was basically an ode to Kotex. It was practically a love letter to SuperPlus tampons! And don't even get me started on how it sparked a national discussion over women with double-wide nether-regions tossing shame aside and owning it (okay, "national" may be stretching it a bit). Owning the hell out of our big, beautiful birth canals (BBBC? Did I mention fetish niche before? Shudder.).  

Heretofore and henceforth (see..it would have been cool if I had finished college), please find my written sponsorship proposal to Kotex. True story..I sent this puppy. And I even liked them on Twitter, despite my worry that when Louis C.K. peruses who I'm following and sees "Kotex" it might turn him off a little. Because the fact that I've publicly declared I'm the proud owner of a vagina that rivals the Grand Canyon would be a complete turn on, right?  

Ahem.

"Dear Kotex,

My name is Jenny and I write a little tiny blog called The Happy Hausfrau. Recently, the massive and powerful media outlet BlogHer chose a post I wrote about tampons and vaginas as one of their Voices of the Year '13. They are having a huge conference in Chicago at the end of July and they will be honoring yours truly and 99 other bloggers (out of almost 3,000 entrants) at a special ceremony during said conference. 

Here's the deal. I'd love to go and accept my accolades in person, but I'm a single mom to four teenagers. I work as a preschool teacher and pretty much every cent I make goes to keeping these wonderful, hungry kids housed, clothed and fed. I also spend some of my cents on your fabulous product every month. In fact, my post that was chosen for the BlogHer event discusses YOUR PRODUCT by name. And how much I love it. I only have one daughter, but I have made her your customer too (she makes me get the U by Kotex tampons because the packaging isn't as blatant, which is much appreciated). So I'm proposing this to you:

Sponsor me at BlogHer '13. If you find it in your hearts, and your budget, to sponsor me you will get, in return:

1. My undying love and adoration. And you should know, as an exhausted single mom, my love and adoration are very rare entities, indeed.

2. At least two blog posts about how you rock and what an amazing company you are and what fabulous products you provide to women everywhere (guaranteed to be read by at least a hundred people..give or take a few).

3. Free rein to take my words and use them as you wish. I've been watching a lot of Lifetime Television lately and I have to say, if there are commercials featuring incontinent middle aged women dancing in their lady-diapers, you could certainly pull off a campaign featuring chicks like me talking about how we love your giant tampons. Think about it. We are a pretty impressive demographic.

4. I'll even step out of my comfort zone and Tweet to the high heavens about how much I love you. If you send me to BlogHer, I'll even do something I've only dreamed about doing: LIVE TWEETING FROM THE EVENT. I have, like 500 followers on Twitter! Including 3 famous authors. I know 500 doesn't sound like a lot, but did I mention there are three famous authors mixed in there? Surely that makes it all the more impressive.

Here are the numbers for your accounting department (these are approximate since I can't figure out how to work the calculator on this laptop yet. Plus I have number dyslexia):

$150.00   Airfare from Minneapolis to Chicago

$375.00   Two night hotel accommodations in a place that isn't creepy

$375.00   Registration fees for BlogHer '13 (with my Voices of the Year discount!)

$100.00   Martinis (just being honest)

________

$1,000 

That's it. Just a measly grand. Think about it...the advertising you'd get from this sponsorship would be PRICELESS. I'd even be open to wearing a Kotex tiara or sash or t-shirt. Seriously.

Please think it over. I've included a link to the blog post I wrote about tampons. It contains the word "vagina" a couple of times but I figured in your line of work that's about as shocking as hearing the words "copier", "emails" and "meeting" .  

A sincere and desperate thank you for your consideration.

Your biggest fan,

Jenny"