2/27/13

A Post About Tampons, Vaginas and Episiotomies



My two male readers? Alex and Jeff? Bye bye. Seriously.  Alex, you're too young to be reading this post where I will be discussing the mysteries of the Lady Garden, and Jeff you've already seen and heard everything there is to know about the subject.  Come back later and I'll be talking about t.v. shows and money. Love you.

Okay, are they gone?  Good.  Ladies, I'm here today to talk about tampons, vaginas and episiotomies.  Not all together, although they could certainly be paired with one another like a fine steak and a good red wine. I have three separate musings and wanted to cram all of them into one post.  Because I don't have much blogging time anymore and because I don't want to gross out my two male readers more than I already have.

TAMPONS

I don't remember exactly when I graduated from Regular size tampons to Super size.  Nor do I remember the exact date of that time I picked up a box of Super Plus Kotex tampons, shrugged and said to myself, "Why not?"  I do know that I am tired of getting my period.  I'm 46, I have four kids and the closest I've come to having sex in the past 6 months was the fondling I got from the TSA agent at the Amsterdam airport (and she was HOT).  Yes, you read that right, there was no sexy time with John McCain in the Netherlands. We'll discuss that later.

Anyhoo.  As a mother, I can't help but feel some pride for my aging female anatomy and its unflagging optimism every month. I'm a big fan of the underdogs, you know.  The plucky survivors who don't give up. I can practically hear it cheering every month, through the layers of pudge on my abdomen, "ALRIGHT, LADIES! IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN! YOU NEVER KNOW!!! LINING, YOU THICKEN! EGGS, YOU GET ROLLING!".  I don't have the heart to tell them that unless there's some freaky dreamworld osmosis pregnancy involving me and Louis C.K, all of this hard work every month is a waste.

So the fact that my tampons are the size of wiffle-ball bats wasn't much of a concern to me until a friend of mine recently asked if I had one she could borrow. No, not a wiffle-ball bat, a tampon.  Now, I always have a tampon with me, except for the times when I really need one. Standing in the checkout line at the grocery store, and pull out what I thought was my wallet but in reality is a tampon the size of a crib mattress? Check.  Stranded in the Wisconsin woods at my friends cabin, bleeding like a stuck pig and attracting every bear within a five-mile radius?  No, no check. And no tampon.

But I had one with me the day my friend needed one. I'd like to be all proud and cool and say that when I handed her the tampon, which may as well have said "Big Bertha" on the wrapper and I saw her eyes widen with shock and horror, that I didn't feel self-conscious.  And really, it didn't faze me too badly.  Because I am at that age where I no longer give a shit about pretty much anything.  But when she confided to me the next day that she had felt slightly violated by the enormous Kotex, I started to wonder if there was something wrong with me.  Because sometimes even these cotton-bales-on-a-string don't do the job. I'm too old to have an entire drawer dedicated to "Crime Scene Underwear", aren't I?  Which leads me to the second leg of this disgusting post:

VAGINAS

If my body was real estate, my bikini area would be "that creepy old house on the corner with the overgrown lawn" that the kids stay away from because it's rumored to be haunted.  You know, the one with a pile of junk mail by the front door, and maybe a rusted out car up on cinderblocks in the backyard.

I don't use my vagina for much anymore these days, except for holding approximately $10 worth of tampons every month.  It's such a shame, to waste that kind of space.  But what can you do?  I have a sequel to my What's Sex Got To Do With It post coming up, wherein I will talk about why the old girl hasn't seen much action lately.  Part of it has to do with the fact that I am so tired and exhausted that the thought of how much WORK it would be to actually have sex is daunting.  Part of it is that I just don't have any interest in playing any sort of sexy reindeer games right now. Add to that the fact that there aren't exactly throngs of men pounding on the front door, demanding to have sex with me POST HASTE and there you have it.

So not much is said or written about the fact that after a certain age, the vagina no longer serves much purpose, aside from the aforementioned tampon holding. And, I suppose, for most of you married ladies, and some of you single ones, there is sex.  But for women like me, single moms who are raising children and working our asses off in order to raise those kids, the vagina is a lot like that slicer/dicer thing I bought from Pampered Chef a trillion years ago: it was "hells bells coolio" when I first got it..I used that gadget constantly, man. Chopped onions and herbs and eggs with it. Kept it clean and within reach at all times. Now? Honestly I cannot tell you where my slicer/dicer is. I think it's in one of those cupboards where you keep things that you've actually held over the garbage or donation bag, but stopped because "someday I might use it again".

There. My lady bits are now the Slicer/Dicer of my anatomy.  And you know damn well that right after I hit publish on this sucker I'm going to go search the high shelves in the kitchen and pull out the slicer/dicer for old times sake.  Sadly, the same cannot be said for the lady bits.

EPISIOTOMIES

I never had one. I've given birth four times, and only once did the baby come out of my Presto BabyShooter.  That was Molly, and as my smallest baby (8.2 lbs) my doctor assumed she'd come out easy peasy.  Wrong.  Apparently either she had sharp elbows or one of her horns (all kids have them, you know) popped out in utero and therefore my entire reproductive system was sliced open as she came out.  I believe the old sailor term for what happened to my body was called "ripped open from stem to stern".  I wrote about it, in horrifyingly graphic terms, in Molly's birthday post.  So, in hindsight, the two things I feared most about delivering vaginally (episiotomy and pooping in a bed) would have been way more fun than almost dying and ending up with a surgically reconstructed cootchie.  But I did get a kick-ass daughter out of it, so yay me.

I always thought that giving birth via c-section three times would give me a ticket out of the "giant vagina club" but I found out that passing an eight pound razor blade makes you pretty much the president.

Anyways, I thought about episiotomies this morning, when I found myself performing one in my kitchen.  Ha! Did I get your attention there? No worries, I haven't started an OB/GYN practice using the knowledge I've gleaned from watching Grey's Anatomy and Teen Mom.  No, this was a procedure I performed on a pair of jeans.

William is going through the knees of his jeans at a fast rate these days...here's a tip: if your son asks for a "shinny hockey set" for Christmas, be prepared to re-supplement his pants collection at a heartbreakingly rapid pace.  Thankfully he's still at the age where he doesn't care what he wears, so we are frequent shoppers at Target's Boys Denim Collection.  Which is where we were last night, picking out yet another pair of size 14 skinny fit jeans.  All is good and fine, right?

Cut to (pardon the pun) this morning.  I'm in the kitchen, hunched over the coffee maker when William walks in, new jeans in hand. "Mom. The button hole is too small on these jeans." He handed them over to me, and without even thinking about it I grabbed my kitchen shears and made the button hole on the jeans wide enough to let the big button through.  I almost said to him, "Haha..look I just gave your jeans an episiotomy!" but in that split second of time I pictured my son in the delivery room where his wife is having their first baby and him hearing the word "episiotomy" for the second time in his life and decided against it.

I may not use my private parts anymore but thankfully, I sometimes use my brain.

Thus ends my tale of all things vaginal.  You can expect your appetite to return by day's end.



43 comments:

  1. You cannot end there. What the heck happened in Amsterdam?

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    1. Augh. It was weird and disappointing and there is a creepy long story to go along with it. I told Lin below this comment, I have to figure out a way to tell you guys alllll about it but in a way that won't get me sued. There are some weird laws about what you can and can't say in a blog. Who knew??

      How's the pregnancy going?? I need to catch up. Hope this post didn't scare you!

      Delete
  2. First of all, I'm so freakin' glad I started my blog reading for the day with you blog. Hi-lar-i-ious. Sexless vaginas, wiffle ball bat tampons, and hole ruining...that's how everyone should start their day!

    Like Gigi, I'm dying to find out what happened in Amsterdam. Seriously, dont leave us hanging woman. Also, dont neglect the clam. Just because there isnt a fella around doesn't mean it doesnt deserve some fun, even if it's self served haha.

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    1. I'm glad you got some giggles Lin! How is moving going??

      I will try and figure out a non-libelous way to talk about Amsterdam. I may just have to post anonymously somewhere and lead all of you to it. It was freaky and there's a big dark story to go with it.

      And I'm contacting the advertising team at Kotex regarding what I am sure is going to be their new slogan:

      DON'T NEGLECT THE CLAM.

      Thanks for reading!

      Delete
  3. laughing, laughing, laughing

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    1. In my twenties, the vagina she gave me pleasure
      In my thirties, the vagina she gave me babies
      In my forties, the vagina she gave me laughs

      Ha! Thank you for reading.

      Delete
  4. I am the same age as you...you should look into a wonderful "anti-baby" drug (birth control) Depo Provera. It's a shot you get every 3 months and you stop having periods. I haven't had one in more than 8 years!! LOVE IT. Even when I was single (i.e., not having sex) I was on it just so I wouldn't have a period...it's a beautiful thing!

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    1. You know..I remember when Depo was all the rage. Did you gain any weight when you started with it? My friend has an IUD and she also sings the "No Period" song. I may have to look into these things.

      Thank you so much for stopping by!

      Delete
  5. Ahhh...tampons, vaginas and episiotomies...it just doesn't get any better than that. I hate effing periods. I hate ovulating. I swear I'm passing ostrich eggs down there, they gotta be huge. And episiotomy? Been there, done that. Just with my first born. But kudos to my OB, because my husband says she was lightning fast getting things done. And I am loving the fact that you equated the button hole with a delicate procedure. I'm just not witty enough to think that shit up :)

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    1. Ostrich eggs...oh my lady I feel your pain! How about cramps? I've started getting those again. Like, "Where is the heating pad" cramps. Yuck.

      Sadly I think of that kind of shit every single waking moment. It's a wonder I have any friends.

      Thanks for reading Traci!

      Delete
  6. You forgot something else that the girl bit holds; pee pee and vaginal lube. My periods have also gotten insanely heavy. I have to change multiple times the first or 2nd night. I'm going to talk to my doc about 'options' as I bleed through clothes, bedsheets, most cycles. What happened in Amsterdam and why didn't it happen in Amsterdam?

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    1. Gail I could write an entire post about peeing myself. In fact I think I have a title all ready:

      Middle Aged Ladies: #peeing

      Or something like that.

      My first two days are a bloodbath. I get up slowly and look at the seat I just sat upon to make sure I haven't left any spatter. It's gross.

      I don't know if I can talk at any great length about McCain. It would have to be a "read between the lines" post, for legal reasons. LOL.

      Thank you for reading, friend!

      Delete
  7. Despite your warning, I found this post humorous, and I have no regrets.

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    1. I'm so sorry Alex. Please, let's never discuss this in real life.

      Delete
  8. "I always thought that giving birth via c-section three times would give me a ticket out of the "giant vagina club" but I found out that passing an eight pound razor blade makes you pretty much the president."

    YOU. Are a GENIUS. MadWoman sent me. I think I'll stick around...

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    1. Hey Kristen Mae! Thanks so much for the sweet comment. Genius..I don't know about that!

      Thanks for reading, and I do hope to get to know you better.

      Jenny

      Delete
  9. "Don't neglect the clam" is brilliant!

    Also, I forgot to put if you don't have vaginal lube you get a painful, itchy, raw condition called Lichens Schlerosis which is a drying of all or a section of the vag. I've had this and it hurt just to wear undies or wipe. The spot was abut the size of a lentil but boy did that suck. It was on one of the outer lips and commonly occurs once you are done with having children. TMI?

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    1. Maybe a little TMI, my dear. Ouch.

      Delete
    2. And I'll be skipping the lentils for a while :O

      Delete
  10. OH MY EYES MY EYES!!!! You warned us...but being male, we don't listen. I read it anyway and now I'm blind. After reading it I took a hammer to my modem, threw my smart phone in the toilet then went to my garage and curled up shivering with a bottle of Valvoline 10W40 in the bottom drawer of my Craftsman toolbox. My wife finally coaxed me back into the house 3 hours later by promising never ever to ask me what spooked me and that we could watch ESPN and not Lifetime for the rest of the night.

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    1. I hope you are okay now, friend. Bummer about the modem, though, man.

      Thank you for reading!

      Delete
  11. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  12. Jenny- to say I can relate is an understatement- as a soon to be 45 yr old single Mom I think we might be twins. ;) Just wanted to share my economical solution to the problem (because the $10 a month really irked me!) a re-usable silicone cup - there are a couple of different models- but the cost savings and the lack of worry about bleeding through- yup- even over night- has made this a great discovery for me. Here's a link!

    http://www.amazon.com/Diva-International-Inc-DivaCup-Post-Childbirth/dp/B000FAG6XA/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1362239362&sr=8-3&keywords=moon+cup

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    1. Linda, I've been hearing about the cup thing for years but have never been brave enough to try it! I hate blood..seriously it makes me queasy. Here's a gross question for you: Do you have to deal with like, cupfuls of blood??

      I know it's crazy for a woman who leaves the bathroom looking like a scene from Dexter to have fear of blood, but I do.

      Thanks so much for reading!

      Jenny

      Delete
  13. You are so funny. I laugh when I read your posts. (Well, sometimes I get really pissed because your ex sounds like my husband. Yes, I know, you feel bad for me, I'm your soul sister).

    I will never think of vaginas the same way again after a comment my sister made. I found out that my husband was responding to Craigslist ads soliciting sex. One that he responded to said they only wanted "7+". I naively thought they were shooting for ages 7 and up and then it dawned on me what it meant. (I lead a sheltered life...or I did.) I told my sister that it seemed a little sexist because the ad never gave a description of the type of vagina that they were looking for. My sister said "well, as long as they couldn't crawl into it, they were probably fine with it." OMG, died laughing. I will never look at Craigslist again even if they do sometimes have good deals on American Girl dolls. (Yes, I was perusing Craigslist for toys for our children while my husband was perusing it for other purposes.)

    http://www.dowehavetotellthekids.blogspot.com/

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    1. Thanks Kay! My God...your Craigslist nightmare never ends. They actually say what size penis they're looking for? Hmmm...I don't recall THAT question on the eHarmony form. They might want to take that into consideration. Could be helpful.

      Thanks for reading, friend.

      Delete
  14. This is so funny! My favorite part: "If my body was real estate, my bikini area would be "that creepy old house on the corner with the overgrown lawn" that the kids stay away from because it's rumored to be haunted." You have a wonderful sense of humor and this post made me laugh out loud!

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    1. Awww Darcy, thank you so much for stopping by. My haunted lady garden and I appreciate it!

      Congrats on the VOTY. I'm honored to be in such fine company.

      Delete
  15. I had two episiotomies so I read this post with my legs crossed. Also I think they stitched me up weird because now I have to insert tampons at a new angle. TMI? What am I saying? I just read your all things vagina post! Whoo hoo!

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    1. There is no such thing as TMI on a post about vaginas. And I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND what you're saying about the new angle! Me too. It's almost like they put a corner in it.

      Thanks for reading!

      Delete
  16. I used to be jealous of people that didn't need super tampons. They sell slender size and seeing those boxes on the store shelves just angered me for some reason, since I've needed supers since day #1.

    Oh I know too well all about stem to stern. A VBAC with a 10 1/2 pound baby will do that to a girl. And the "little" angel had a bowling ball for a head.

    But I'm beyond all that now ... I was so excited to have a hysterectomy a few years ago. No more of this nonsense for me!

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    1. HA! I look at my daughter's tampons in the bathroom closet, all slim and dainty next to the Kotex Logs that are mine. Jealous!

      And holy crap, friend! I had 10 pounders too but luckily those were my c-sections. OUCH. And, OUCH.

      Hysterectomy doesn't sound so awful anymore. Did they leave your ovaries? Because as much as I dream about no periods, I have to admit that menopause kind of freaks me out.

      Thanks for reading :)

      Delete
    2. Yes, still have my ovaries. But I'm sorry to say, yes, you have every right to be freaked out about menopause. It is everything you've ever heard it is. I'm actually looking forward to it being over and turning into an old dried up wrinkled mess. That's gotta be better than this fun stage of life. Sigh.

      Delete
  17. I cried laugh-tears from this. Say you will be at Blogher and that I will meet you.

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    1. Ahh Katie. Sorry this is so late. Sigh. Obviously I was not at BlogHer. Next year though! Then we shall meet.

      Delete
  18. Dear heavens. Yes, you got my attention with the bit about the self episiotomy in the kitchen. And also, I feel like I know you waaaay too well right now, for someone I've never even met. You're hilarious, I'll definitely be back!

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    1. Ha! Thanks Lisa! And maybe, "I'm sorry" applies as well??

      :)

      Delete
  19. Thank you for my first laugh of the day! Very funny, and so true (btw, us married ladies ain't gettin' much use out of the vagina these day either). Came from FtheF.

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    1. Thanks so much for stopping by, Paula! Ahh yes. I remember being married :)

      Delete
  20. Love this! I was "stem to stern" on my 7 pound daughter. She came out fast and furious. I will be following your blog!

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    1. Fast and furious...I'd like to see Vin Diesel manage this kind of fast and furious, LOL.

      Thanks so much for stopping by! Off to check out your stuff. But not in a gross way.

      Delete
  21. Pish! Please try to be thankful you can even use ANY tampons at all. I've had 5 vaginal births. The super plus literally falls out, and I'm relegated to only pads, and, when I can afford it, Instead cups.

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