5/18/13

Stuff I Think of on a Thunderstormy Saturday

I'm sitting on the Golden Girls Porch of Love, drinking some of my special homemade iced coffee (no, there isn't booze in, that's NOT what makes it special) and listening to a spectacular thunderstorm/downpour. This is the best spot to be on a stormy Saturday morning. I thought I'd share some of my musings with you while it rains.

1. Today is my William's birthday. I wrote a little birthday essay for him earlier this year in order to have a complete set for my manuscript. As of this moment, I have four teenagers. I didn't really think about that back in my breeding days, did I? They were all so cute and chubby and funny. I've been going through a little stress with William lately, the brain knows it's just hormone/teenager/puberty developmental stuff but the heart hurts more than a little. Like I told my friend in the teacher's lounge over lunch the other day, "Parenting is hard!". Understatement of the year. P.S. Thanks for listening to me, Joyce.

2.  Do you watch The Voice? I'll say I don't, but I really do. Rather, I eavesdrop on it when Molly has it on. Is it just me or does Blake Shelton always look like he smells something icky? And how awesome is it when one of the contestants speaks Spanish and Shakira starts gabbing with them in Espanol? I wish I knew another language. And Adam Levine. Is he hot, or is he not? I can't decide. He reminds me of every cool popular boy I ever had a crush on, who wouldn't give me the time of day. Unless they wanted some intel on one of my hot friends. Screw you, Adam. She may have great hair but she doesn't GET how funny Bill Murray is, like I do. Oops. Sorry. Got lost in thought there for a minute.

3.  Yesterday, as I was walking into school, a friend of mine stopped me and said, "There's a whole bunch of porn downloaded on my laptop." At first I was like, "Okay!" thinking she was telling me where to find it if I needed it. And then it dawned on me that she was telling me one of her kids had done it.  Refer to my understatement of the year above. Parenting really is hard. Also, my friend has no idea how to delete the files now. I told her I'd ask around. Meaning, I'll ask Charlie.

4. File this one under my oddball crushes: there is a State Farm commercial that depicts a married man whispering into the phone in the middle of the night. The wife busts him, and demands to speak to "Jake from State Farm" (complete with air quotes). I love that commercial, and I have a sick wanting of the husband in it. Imagine my delight when I saw that same couple in a new commercial for something else. I actually gasped and poor Henry, who happened to be in the room with me, had to listen to me joyfully recap how great I think it is that my boyfriend from the State Farm commercial is branching out. Henry left the room, but not before saying: "I think you may watch too much t.v., mom."


Henry may be right.

5. You know I'm always on the lookout for a great hand lotion. Whenever I have a little extra cash, I like to try a new brand. Oh yeah..I know some women buy new purses or jewelry when they have some change jingling in their pockets. I buy hand lotion. Because that's how my broke ass rolls, ladies. Anyhoo...I bought a bottle of this stuff:


Because, don't you think corn huskers would totally have chapped, dry hands? And if there's a lotion made just for them, surely it will rock.

But, it doesn't. In fact, putting it on my poor dry hands was a painful experience. It felt like hand sanitizer (which I can't stand, by the way). I checked the label and the third ingredient is: alcohol. Apparently corn huskers want their hands to be red and sting. So then my homie Danielle turned me on to this:

I could go on a tangent about udders and my years of breastfeeding, but I won't. I will say that I love this stuff. It smells a little like baby lotion, too, which every peri-menopausal mother of four teenagers loves. When I'm feeling stressed I smell my hands and it brings me back to the days of soft baby butts and shiny pink gummy smiles that melted my heart. Of course, then someone will yell "MOM! We're out of toilet paper in the downstairs bathroom!" and reality crashes back in but you know what? My hands are soft. It's all good.

6.  Did I tell you guys about my recent windfall? I got $3,000.00 as part of a nationwide settlement against some of the banks that were behind the spate of foreclosures over the past few years. Including mine. Of course, since the universe has a twisted sense of humor, the check went to Big Daddy. One night I was downstairs, doing laundry, when William came prancing down and announced, "Our dad is at the front door. He wants to see you." I thought he was kidding at first, but lo and behold..there he was, goatee on his face and a damp check in his hand (it was drizzling out). "Hey!" he said, like we were old friends who hadn't seen each other for a while. "Hey! I don't know if you've heard about this settlement thing, for people who lost their homes?". I looked at him. I wanted to say, "Oh you mean PEOPLE LIKE ME? Like your KIDS? YEAH I'VE HEARD A LITTLE BIT ABOUT THAT". But instead I just said, "Yeah, I have." He held the check up and said, "For some reason this came to my house, and it's made out to both of us." I squinted in the dim light of the front steps. Yep. There we were. The both of us. "I will sign it, but first I need you to sign this little note I drew up." He passed over a handwritten document that said something about how me, the undersigned, absolved he, the other guy, of any taxes or other fees that would come of this financial bounty. "You're going to have to pay taxes on this next year," he explained to me, slowly and carefully as if explaining  to a feeble old lady how she's going to be placed in a nursing home but not to worry.

So of course I signed it, knowing that this was all I was ever going to see as far as losing my house was concerned. Knowing full well that this $3,000.00 was going to cost me about $1,500.00 on my taxes next year, which left me with $1,500.00 of hush money to spend as I saw fit. Because I have a bunch of kids and money is money, you know? I guess in the end it means that in exchange for losing my home, going bankrupt and having my credit ruined I got $1,500.00.  Sounds like a deal to me!

I hated him at that moment. I hated the fact that he was holding this money over my head, like you hold a treat over a dog in order to get her to sit or roll over. I hated seeing his handwriting, hated seeing the "X" he drew, pointing out where I was supposed to sign. Hated myself because at that moment, one of the things I was thinking about was, "I look so fat".

So I took that cash money and put it in the bank. I spent $250 of it on a Samsung Chromebook. Because my laptop was dying.  I hate spending money, have I mentioned that? It kills me to do it. The whole time the guy at Best Buy was ringing me up (isn't that a quaint term now, 'ringing me up'?) I kept thinking "Oooh jeeze I shouldn't spend this. I shouldn't spend this." Going broke does a number on your mind. Makes you kind of kooky as far as money is concerned.

Now I have the Chromebook, and while it's lightyears better than my old dying Dell, it leaves a lot to be desired. But it's tiny and I can now sit in bed, watch old episodes of Psych on Netflix and get all writery. To quote the farmer in Babe:

That'll do, pig.  That'll do.  It will do for now.

And that WILL do it for me. It's stopped raining, and I have a birthday boy to love up..hormones and all.

Have a wonderful weekend, my friends.







19 comments:

  1. I know Adam Levine is all kinds of sexy to just about everyone, but I just think he looks dirty. Not "ooooohh, he's dirty" wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Unclean, like he's missed his shower one too many times. Not appealing.

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    1. Katina I know what you mean. I imagine that he smells like musky post-sex. And not in a good way.

      Thank you for reading!

      Jenny

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  2. So many of my friends who had their kids spaced really close are dealing with the multiple teenagers scenario right now. It puzzles me how none of us did the math ahead of time.

    I'm a Burt's Bees gal myself - Miracle Salve.

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    1. We were overflowing with love and pregnancy hormones! That's my excuse, anyway.

      Hmmm..I've never seen that lotion! I like BB's Milk and Honey lotion, though. I'll look for the Miracle Salve.

      Hope you're feeling better today :)

      Jenny

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  3. Loved this ramblin' rose of a post! And, four comments:

    1) Adam Levine loses all physical hotness for me due to his unrelenting and not very well hidden monster of an EGO. (Plus the fact that his music is at best mediocre drivel; well, he don't rate highly with this beyotch.)

    2) WOMAN! --PSYCH! First with the Buffy and the Angel and now with the Psych! Youngest daughter and me are making our way through all the seasons on Netflix. Huuuuuge crush on cutie-pie James Roday -- see, he's all dorky plus very very cute, so this equals hot, whereas Bad Boy Adam is a massive lump of ego with so self-effacing qualities. Roday for the win. (And you DO know he and the gal who plays Jules have been a real-life couple since meeting on the show, right?)

    3) L'Occitane Shea Butter hand cream. An indulgence, cause it ain't cheap, but man is that stuff pillowy soft heaven. (There's a lavender version as well.)

    4) If you think it's kinda strange that you're digging on the guy in that State Farm commercial, feel free to compare it to how weird my commercial crush is -- Agent Smith in the GE hospital software spot. There. Now you can feel practically normal! :)

    --Salish

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    1. 1) YES. His music was just what my broken heart needed a few years ago, but now it just sounds like the same old nasal stuff no matter which song it is.

      2) WOMAN! Are we soul sisters or what??? Of course I had to stal- I mean look Roday up on IMDB. His real name is James Rodriguez! Cute, dorky, a shit-ton of obscure references AND he's half latino. Me likey. I also love Dule' Hill. And Corbin Bersen. And yes, even Lassiter has turned my crank once or twice. I think I need to stop watching that show right before bed. This is cracking me up, that you like it too. It's a very funny show.

      3) OMG I used to LOVE L'Occitane stuff! I may go try to get a sample or two. John McCaine once gave me a big box of swag from L'Occitane. Their foot cream is awesome. Sometimes I miss that creepy fella.

      4) And here's where I wonder if we were separated at birth: DON'T YOU MEAN "SEXY" AGENT SMITH? Hand to God. I made it through Lord of The Rings just to get a glimpse of that hot man.

      Thank you so much for chiming in. This comment made my night.

      Jenny

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    2. 1) Yeah, I think Levine is just overrated. A legend in his own mind, really. I bet all his tats are the peel n' stick kind. :p

      2) LASSIE! OMG x 1000! I am so with you on that, too! And the Dule, and the Corbin! You crack me up, sistah! I can't wait to see my daughter's reaction to the fact I that I found another "what up with me sometimes liking LASSIE" bit! HA! She won't believe it. That's just plain awesome.

      3) Do tell -- "creepy" --? I (and likely many of your faithful readers) are intrigued. You once made reference to maybe going more into that someday and I'm still wondering about the deets. Write it in code if need be, but enquiring minds want to know, dahlink.

      4) SEXY AGENT SMITH. There, fixed it. And yes, lurrrrrved Hugo Weaving in the Rings movies, too. Just not *enough* of him is the problem. And did you know (thanks, Wikipedia) he's been married to the same woman for like a zillion years? (Since '84.) Is it wrong for me to find a guy exponentially more attractive when I see he's been married fo-evah? (Um, hello JASON ISAACS as well.... since 1988 -- *eeeep*!)
      Keep an eye out for that GE commercial -- it's hilarious -- esp. the last bit with the kid (you may have to seek the longer version online). (Damn -- I *never* recommend commercials. It must be love!)

      Hugses,

      --S.

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    3. Have you watched the episode where Lassie tap dances? Swooooooooon.

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    4. Yesssssss! Love it! :D

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  4. 'That'll do, pig.' Why does that crack me up so much?

    Saw my cheater husband at a ballgame today. I spent some extra time blow drying my hair before I went. Seriously I feel like shit with my kidney stone and I was worried about what I looked like in front of the asshole who cheated for so long and is divorcing me? Goddamn pride. http://dowehavetotellthekids.blogspot.com/

    Happy birthday to your boy!

    $3000 isn't much after what you've been through but at least it's something. (Trying to be glass half full. It's painful.)

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  5. Kay..I have loved that Babe quote from the first moment I heard it. When my now-19 year old Charlie was a wee boy, we watched that movie so many times I knew every line..and it made me cry every damn time.

    Girl, I feel ya with the blow drying. I used to fret over my hair, clothes, everything if I knew Big Daddy was going to be somewhere. Why??? Who knows. Probably because we are proud women who give a shit about

    ourselves. And even though those a-holes wouldn't care if we showed up wearing g-strings and nipple tassels we wanted to look our best. Love ya, lady.

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    1. Okay..I wrote this on my phone after a couple glasses of wine. Not that it shows, or anything. Sigh.

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    2. So I shouldn't have been wearing my g-string and nipple tassels when my husband picked up the kids to go fishing today? :*) He ran out of here so fast he wouldn't have even noticed if I had been.

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  6. Am I the only divorced middle aged woman who DOES find Adam Levine all levels of hot? Please don't banish me, because I can't help it. he's the antithesis of everything I normally find attractive, but I can't help myself. Pretty sure it's my horny self reacting to the gyrating my-jeans-fit-just-right-man of many a youtube video, I'm sure. That, or how confident he is. After my recent run of men who need constant reassurance, confident is h-o-t.

    I love Udderly Smooth. They sell it at my local Dollar Tree. Yes, I shop at Dollar Tree. My current all-over-lotion favorite is C Booth's Coconut Fig from Ulta. Huge bottle for $10 (and by huge I mean a woman's standard of huge, not a man's).

    Finally, I know that $3k is nothing compared to what you've been through, and I wish I could kick your ex's ass and put an X where his sun doesn't shine, but I'm glad you got at least something. I know how much a budget can scream for mercy, and how welcome any kind of reprieve is.

    Happy Saturday. The storms are now moving into Kansas and I'm on MY deck, loving how the wind is turning cool andhow the smell of rain is taking over. xo

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    1. Yes, Lisa..you are the only divorced middle aged woman who finds AL hot. But you won't be banished. (and I'll admit, when I saw a naked picture of him it didn't repel me).

      I have an Ulta coupon!! Does that lotion smell heavenly?? Sounds like it.

      And yeah, sister. I hear you about the $$$$. Money is money. And it IS nice to have a little cushion in the checking account. No matter how much poop I had to eat in order to get it.

      Enjoy the rain! I turned the air on last night..Minnesota summer is here, with all of her humidity!

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  7. Finally got around to watching that commercial - hilarious! Now what is the new one that they are in? I might become a fangirl.

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    1. Suburban: I can't remember what the new one is advertising! But now I'll have to Google it. I'll let you know.

      And I'm happy that someone else thinks the State Farm commercial is funny. "She sounds hideous!" "Yeah, well, she's a guy, so...."

      I might need to get a hobby one of these days.

      Jenny

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  8. Great blog to read on rainy Monday morning in Massachusetts. Thank you.. ♥

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    1. Awww thanks Cate! Off to check YOURS out :)

      Jenny

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