3/20/13

Weight Watchers....Heeeeere's Jenny (again)

I can't quit you, Weight Watchers.

If you have read this blog for a while, or have the luck of knowing me in "real life" (said with sarcasm) then you know I was on the Weight Watchers late last summer/fall. And I kicked ass...almost 30 lbs. of it. I think my last recorded number was 28.6 or something like that. I round up, you know. But awfully close to 30, which is an amazing amount of weight to lose.

But then, like everything else I seem to pick up and excel at, I stopped. I stopped on October 29, 2012, which also happened to be the day I went to court with my ex-husband. Hmm.. coincidence?  I was a bundle of nerves leading up to that day, and the endless waiting for the judgment turned me into a food vacuum.  Throw the holidays in there and it was like the Perfect Storm of emotion.

Give me a feeling and I'll give you a hundred different ways to eat it.  I'm like the Barefoot Contessa of emotional eating.

I fell off the WW wagon. Actually, threw myself off is more accurate. I rarely do anything half-assed.

Oh, I knew what was happening. I noticed my clothes getting tighter, felt my stamina slipping away, woke up with that nasty heartburn again.  Every other morning I'd wake up and tell myself, "Jenny, today is the day you're going to do it again. You don't need Weight Watchers, that's just a scheme. A money making scheme. You can do this yourself!!!"

I tried it on my own, just keeping mental notes about what I ate. Like running a caloric tab in my head. Ha.

I downloaded a Faux WW app onto my phone.  Gave up on that one when I couldn't figure out how to use their "Pretend Points" calculator.

Finally I decided to do Weight Watchers online. The commercials made it look good and easy.  Cute couples, the solo lady with the smart gray haircut joking about wine...hey!  I could do it just like them!

I made it about 3 days doing the online thing.  That's when I decided to finally be honest with myself and admit it:

I CANNOT DO THIS ALONE. I just can't.

It's humiliating and embarrassing to admit.  I'm funny in this way:  It's pretty much impossible for me to lie.  Seriously...I get nervous and all moral and start to sweat. I'll never be a professional liar. But for some reason, I can lie to myself with out batting an eyelash.

One night, a couple of weeks ago, I found myself lying in bed, eating the remains of a bag of pita chips. Yes, lying there because sitting up and shoving them into my mouth would have required too much effort. And then, one of the kids walked in. Walked in on me doing this.

Now, there are many things you could be doing in your bedrooms that you wouldn't want your kids to walk in and see you doing.  Seeing as how I'm a self-loathing celibate single person, my list is probably not as long as most of yours but still...there are things you just don't want their innocent little eyes seeing. (For the record, the number one thing I don't want anyone to see me doing is putting on pantyhose..yes, that tops being caught having sex, alone or otherwise)

At that moment, I saw myself through my child's eyes.  Opening mom's door, her bedroom a maze of pictures and scarves and fleece jackets and sensible shoes and laundry baskets...and where is Mama? Oh, there she is, in her bed, on her side like Jabba the Hut, a crinkly bag of Stacy's Pita chips laid out next to her like a little newborn baby.  There are crumbs on the sheets and on the front of mom's pajama top (which is a big Dave Matthews t-shirt but for the sake of storytelling it's a pajama top).  It's ten o'clock at night and she's watching Psych on Netflix and she's eating those pita chips like it's her last meal.

I sat up quickly, made what I'm sure was a lame comment about how I hadn't eaten much that day and I was "starving" and rolled myself out of bed to throw the bag away.  My kids aren't judgy beings, and I cannot think of a time they've pointed out my atrocious eating habits, but I knew what this child had seen wasn't good. I mean, eating in bed, late at night, while watching t.v. (although, I must say that Psych is hilarious).  Come on. I spend many hours a day lamenting my four freeloading roommates and their horrible habits...gee I wonder where they learn this stuff? 

And that was it. 

The next day I did a big shopping trip and prepped my kitchen.  The day after that I called Weight Watchers and had my Online subscription upgraded to a Meetings one. And then, the day after that one? I walked into my old Weight Watchers store and got on the scale.  Sweet Esther, the woman who checked me in, listened to me babble about how I tried to make it on my own and how I needed help...and then she looked at me in a way that kind of reminded me of a painting of Jesus surrounded by little kids and also how an asshole ex-boyfriend would look at you when you showed up at his dorm after a night of drinking peach schnaaps and listening to The Cure.  I decided to go with the Jesus one and when Esther said "Welcome Back, Jenny" I swear I heard angels singing. Or else it was the woman on the scale next to me.

So, I'm back at it. I may write Weight Watchers updates, and I'm tinkering with the idea of posting my actual weight, which right now is in Man territory. Yes, I'm 100% sure some of your husbands weigh less than me right now.  And not just the short skinny ones.  But, it's less than I was last summer when I first walked into that store.  Which is a positive.

My first week is over and done, went to get weighed in this morning and decided to stick around for a meeting. And as much as I loathe meetings of any kind, I'm glad I went. It's nice to be in a room with dozens of other people who have admitted that they can't do this alone. Makes me feel less weak.

Esther/Jesus was there again, and she acted cool like she didn't remember me. I took off my giant Uggs and my huge fleece jacket and stood before her clad only in my XXL yoga pants and a long sleeved tee from Target.  Stepped on the scale.

Esther/Jesus said: "You did good this week."

-4.6 pounds.

Yep...I did good. With a little help.

22 comments:

  1. That's an awesome first week, Jenny!! :) My weight loss issues have gotten to the point where I actually went to a doctor for help, and you know what? The guy's a freaking genius, compassionate and LISTENS to me. This is the first time I am telling anyone aside from my best friend & Jay. . I've lost 15 pounds in the last 6 weeks. It hasn't been easy, but it hasn't been horrible, either. Finding out what's going on with my body, WHY I struggle with my weight and getting help has been the turning point that allowed me to FINALLY realize I *can* do this. :) And, I know you can, too!!

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    1. Oh Amanda that is WONDERFUL! I'm really happy for you. If you want some great recipes/tips from a fellow foodie just let me know.

      I'm here for you!! Yay!

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  2. Well, I wish you luck! I, too, am on and off the weight loss wagon on a regular basis. I have tried everything but I'm still a fat ass. About 2 weeks ago I started doing the 30 day shred. lol It was more like a 30 second shred for me....but I did lose some weight, and then St Patricks Day weekend happened and I'm a glutton for kerrygold butter, and lets not lie, whiskey and guinness. So all those things added together put me right about where I started. I'll still try though, and look forward to hearing about WW, its the one thing I've never tried.

    Also, I *think* I may have been able to sign into google, so im not longer "anonymous" but im slightly concerned what you might be able to see under my google account.....haha, whatever it is, its purely for research purposes, I swear.

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    1. Hi Claire! Gee we sound like soul sisters, I love it.

      Seriously, I doubted WW for-freaking-ever. I signed up last summer VERY grudgingly but swear it's the only thing I've tried that works (besides getting dumped but I don't want to go through that again, ha!). I really recommend it.

      Wait...is this my cap sleeve friend?? Yay!!!

      Delete
    2. P.S. of course I just tried to look at your profile..no worries, you don't have it set to public.

      Delete
  3. Rome did not get built in a day....but it did get built!!!!!!! Keep up the great work! Spring is in the air!

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  4. I hate the shame that goes into it when people talk about needing help to lose weight. Because for just about EVERY other problem someone has, even those they "got themselves into," they receive some form of professional care. If you need medication for your liver or your kidneys, you get a doctor who checks up on you regularly, blood tests, nutritionist consultations, etc. If you have high blood pressure, you see someone to help you monitor it. Diabetes, same thing. But, if you want to lose the weight that you gained from the eating habits that may or may not have contributed to any of the above? Well, you're supposed to do THAT on your own.

    Don't think that just because you can gain weight all by yourself that you have to lose it all by yourself. Weight Watchers (and other programs) are there as tools to help you get someone else involved. Someday, you may be able to handle it on your own, but that doesn't have to be soon. Heck, even eventually an alcoholic learns how to do it on their own...and even then, they have sponsors who check in time to time FOR A REASON. I wish you really good luck, and hope that you enjoy the results!

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  5. I'm rooting for you. But I'm the same size 20 now as I was when you lost your 28.5 as well as when you first started WW. WW doesn't work for me, although back when I first tried it in 2009 I too lost something like 28.5 lbs. But not changing my behaviors and the way I think put it all back on me and more slowly over 8 months or so. What I'm trying to say is I know how difficult it is, and like an alcoholic/addict it takes one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time, someone to help/sponsor you, or just whatever it is needed. I'll be pushing for your success with this and thanks for posting about your struggle. A lot of us can relate.

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    1. Gail it really is an addiction. And yes it truly is one minute at a time. I labor over my point counting like some people labor during childbirth, ha! Measuring, counting, figuring out exactly how much I can eat during the day. It's madness. But it's the only way I can do this.

      Thanks for your support!

      Delete
  6. Different things work for different people. Nobody should give a shit if you need some help. Losing weight is freaking HARD. Especially when those Stacy's pita chips are so damn good! (I write this as I am popping jelly beans like a crack addict.)

    And I ditto everyone's sentiments, that is a super-awesome first week! Yea for you!!

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    1. God help me...Easter is coming. I hope the kids don't mind that I'll be replacing candy with Babybel cheese and reduced fat Wheat Thins.

      Thanks so much for your support, Traci.

      Delete
  7. Though I haven't commented, I have been reading! With glee, pensiveness, congratulatory hooplah, and now ... with food issue sisterhood.

    With me it was cheddar popcorn, but I never got caught:) Washed down with ice cream and Virgil's root beer.

    Then I went paleo. I cannot tell you how much easier weight loss is when the addictive high-carb foods go away. To do that one must re-introduce fat. It's not Atkins. It's just no grains, legumes, sugar or vegetable oils. That leaves meats, vegetables, fruits (within reason!), coconut oil, avocadoes, a little bit of nuts. Dairy if you tolerate it, but only full-fat dairy. Eat a good, filling meal three times a day (breakfast can be minimized if you're of that type), and do not eat between those meals. If you get enough fat in there, you. will. be. satiated. And you will see the outline of your former figure appear.

    If this chip-addicted, ice-cream sucking, pizza and pasta addict can do it, YOU CAN. From 162 to 142 in six months, then another bump down to 137. It's been two years and I will not go back, because a bunch of other health problems also resolved.

    THIS WAS NOT A LECTURE. THIS WAS ME GOING WOO HOO FOR YOU AND TOSSING OUT AN OPTION THAT, WHILE SEEMINGLY COUNTERINTUITIVE, WORKS!!!! Love, Becky

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    1. Oh Becky I was wondering where you were!

      I love your lectures, my friend. You're smart and you talk real good.

      I know for a fact that what you're saying is the truth, it really does work. And it works FAST. I need to conquer my grain addiction. And you know, I was sad about the no-legumes! I love peas and lentils and black beans.

      Coconut oil is AMAZING. I do love that.

      Thanks so much for chiming in!

      Delete
  8. #1. Love this post. Love the honesty. It must have been hard to sort of see yourself through your daughter's eyes. I 100% get that.

    #2. So glad to finally have discovered your blog. Really looking forward to being in the LTYM cast together. :)

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    1. Oh thank you Nina! I will admit that I've been following your blog for some time now. You're super talented and very very real. So excited to meet you and do our LTYM thing! What an honor, huh?

      Thanks for your kind words!

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  9. You can do this!! I was so envious of you last summer as you lost each week. It inspired me to join weight watchers too, and I slowly lost...I went trough the journey w/ my then best friend. Then that bitch pulled some ugly crap on me and pushed me off the WW wagon. I realized I couldnt do it alone...I need motivation and encouragement. I probably wont go back to WW, just no time or close meetings :( But I am going to start working out this week and trying to eat healthier! Wish I was closer so we could do this together, but ill tune into the blog for inspiration from you! (and Amanda too!!! So proud of you girl!)
    Good luck to us all (and I hope my ex best friends ass keeps getting bigger!!!!)

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    1. I need to hear the BFF drama! Nobody hurts my friends..want me to kick her ass?

      You're going to do it. If I can, anyone can.

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  10. Hi,I just wanted to drop in to say hello and say I love reading your blog.

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  11. I sent the last reply. I was not sure if it would be posted as I would love to give you my email and maybe corresponde. If there is a way to do this could you let me know and I do not want my email on the WWW.
    Thank you so much. Needing to reach out.
    Lisa

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  12. I've lost 3 sizes since my husband told me he'd been banging a woman that "he's really serious about". Nice. Anyhoo, I told one of my friends that I was glad to be losing weight and that's one good thing from having your heart ripped out. (I'm quite large and have a mirror so losing weight is a good thing.) She said to me that I shouldn't have to change who I am and that I probably would gain it back anyway because she's seen that happen before. Gee, thanks for your support. I found my silver lining in my shit sandwich and you just tore it up. http://www.dowehavetotellthekids.blogspot.com/

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