8/17/12

Weigh In Thursday: Something Psycho This Way Comes (but she's lost weight)

Seriously, if you asked me to rate my bitch level today, like on a scale of one to ten, where one is "gives dirty look to person who threw out a cigarette butt from their car window" and ten is "climbs out of car, finds still-lit cigarette on the road and then proceeds to burn the words " 'I'm a stinky littering pig' onto their forehead", I'd say I'm at about a 12.

And here's what's lame:  I really don't have that much to be psycho about.  This party (have I mentioned that?  I'm having a graduation party in 4 days) is pretty much planned out.  The stuff I'm borrowing has either been borrowed or is in the process of being borrowed, the food is planned and just needs to be purchased, the deck has been power-washed and treated, the picture collage boards have been made...

It's pretty much a waiting game now.

But apparently in my Nutty World, that just gives the Party Lunatic more time to fester and become even more of a lunatic.  

If I was a puppet on Mr. Rogers Neighborhood my name would be "Lady Crazy".

I think it's the timing of everything.  I have a job interview tomorrow, an appointment to get my hair colored/highlighted on Saturday (which I am fretting about spending $$$ on but you know what?  Like those L'Oreal bitches used to say, I'm worth it.)(or am I?  I 'm having serious guilt over this).  I have A DATE on Saturday, and I'm freaking out about what to wear.  It's back to school time and there are so many things to buy and pictures to get taken and so many checks being written that there's smoke coming out of my checkbook.

Oh, yes, and the kids are driving me absolutely BAT SHIT crazy.  I am very thankful that this didn't happen until just now (it's really been in just about the last 48 hours) but for real...I've broken my Golden Rule of No Yelling When The Windows Are Open, at least half a dozen times.  And that's just today.  I think the reality of school starting is sinking in, and they realized, en masse, that they haven't tried killing each other much this summer.  So they're making up for lost time, the turds. 

But, there is good news!  Some very good news!  I had a FABULOUS week as far as Weight Watchers is concerned.  Dare I say, I'm getting the hang of this.  I'm learning the fine art of moderation, which is no easy feat. 

One thing I love is a good old quesadilla.  The kids love them too, they're a regular lunch/snack thing here.  So when I started Weight Watchers, I thought for sure I'd have to give up having that cheesy goodness.  Well, to some extent, I have....face it, the white flour tortillas, stuffed with a cup of Mexican blend cheese and bacon crumbles and grilled chicken deliciousness and then browned on the stove with butter...that's probably not going to cut it anymore.

But I did find some replacement items and have now been able to enjoy some quesadilla magic for only about 7 Points Plus.  There are some fabulous (ok to be truthful they are semi-cardboardy but whatever) low carb, low calorie tortillas I found, by La Tortilla Factory.  Each tortilla is just ONE point.  So I take two of those (3 points), 1/4 cup of reduced fat Montery Jack shredded cheese (2 points), a tsp. of real bacon crumbles (0 points!) and heat them up on a pan with a couple squirts of olive oil cooking spray (0 points!).  When the cheese it melted through, take it off, cut it into fourths and serve with 2 tbs. of light sour cream (1 point) and like half a gallon of salsa (0 points).  If you're feeling it, and you have points to spend, slice up 1/4 of an avocado and put that in with the cheese and bacon bits for an extra 2 points. Or add meat...grilled chicken or steak (around 2 or 3 points).  Yum.

It's filling, it's pretty good, and it tastes like real food.

I have one thing to add, before my weight update:

I lost it tonight.

My BFF( yeah, I have a few of these) and I went to Costco tonight, to buy the 30 lbs. of meat to cook for THE PARTY.  We got it all ready, all sauced and spiced up, had the house smelling like a carnivorous heaven.  And of course, since this is the BFF that is also my drinking buddy, we had a bottle of wine.  We talked about everything under the sun, as BFFs tend to do.  We talked about our kids being assholes, about husbands who want their wives to do everything, about marriage, about cheerleading (?) about football, about parties, about friends, etc.  We talked about everything.

I was a little testy, of course because I'm having A PARTY in a few days, but also because Big Daddy hadn't paid me his paltry alimony on time.  According to our decree, it's due on the 1st and the 15th of every month.  Now, granted, this isn't the king's ransom I'm talking about:  it's enough to keep a few bills paid, enough for a small grocery trip....enough to help pay for a graduation PARTY.  So I let Father of the Year know that I needed this particular check on the day it was due:  on the 15th.  He texted back:  "I can't do that."  I reminded him that the payments are due on the 1st and the 15th.  No response.

Normally, the lateness of these payments isn't an issue.  I keep enough of a cushion in my account so that it doesn't matter if "his" money is in there or not.  But this month is different.  I am having A PARTY in a few days, today was the day known as THE DAY PARENTS WRITE CHECKS day at the junior high, I have two regular bills that come out on the 15th...you get the idea.  So I was like that awful commercial where people are leaning out of their windows screaming "IT'S MY MONEY AND I WANT IT NOW".

Long story even longer and even more painfully boring...tonight was one of his dinner hour nights with the kids.  Of course, only the two younger ones went, and he dropped them off at 8:55 p.m., one of them clutching a white envelope in his hand.  The envelope, of course, contained one of Secretary's checks, signed with her sweet loopy signature and my name and the amount written in Big Daddy's stilted, choppy hand.  I hated myself, purely hated me, for grabbing the check and hopping into my tin can car and hauling ass to the ATM to deposit this pathetic slip of paper.  It went in at 9:03.  Cut off time for Wells Fargo is 9:00.

I don't think anything bounced tonight...I think I'm just kooky and doomsday enough of a person that every situation turns into "worst case" no matter what.  But I was still livid.  I was so mad that this person has the power to make me wait at the door like a Pavlovian dog, waiting for that god-damned slip of paper.  Pulling strings like a giant, floppy haired, jowly puppeteer, while I jerked and danced below him.  I hated him at that moment.

That hatred doesn't surface much anymore.  In fact, I cannot recall that last time I felt it like I did tonight.  Blame it on the Party Psychosis, blame it on the Back to School madness, be all Milli Vanilli and Blame it on The Rain.

I came home from my cannonball ATM run, and I slumped down on the couch.  The kids were bickering about the last piece of pizza, complaining about the shitty dinner their stepmother had made, bitching about why didn't we buy new shoes today and why we have to wait until next month to pay for yearbooks.

And I lost it.  I blew up.  I didn't blow up at my kids, but I said some pretty awful things about their father.  I said mean things, things that I have thought before, but never said out loud.  I said bad things about Big Daddy, about his selfish, horrible wife and worst of all, I said evil things about the baby they made together.  I wished bad things on all three, said things that I'm 100% certain my kids will remember until they are my age, and older.  I saw the looks on their faces and in their eyes immediately after I said these things, and I saw things I wish I hadn't.  They lost respect for me tonight.

I've always been the parent they can count on.  The grown up in their lives, the one who takes the high road, the one that just keeps on truckin' no matter what happens.  The one who tells them that they should love their dad, no matter what.  The one who tells them "don't sweat  the small stuff" and "it's all small stuff". 

Tonight I let them down.  And I'm beyond sad about it.

So there's my bummer of a post.  I'm going to play trivia now, hopefully laugh a little and probably go way over my point allotment for the day (like the bottle of wine didn't do that, right?).   I don't know what I can do, or more importantly, if there is anything I can do, to erase the bad things I said tonight.

But now for some more upbeat stuff:   My weight loss progress:

Week 1:  4 lbs.
Week 2:  3.8 lbs.
Week 3:  3.2 lbs.
Week 4:  1.4 lbs.
Week 5:  3.4 lbs.

Grand total so far:  -15.8 lbs.  Woooot!!!  

That's it for now...off to shred some meat.  And no, that isn't a double entendre.

And P.S.  The bottle of wine?  And the dirty martinis I had at trivia?  I only went 9 points over for the day.  And those came out of my weeklies so I'm still sittin' pretty for my big date and THE PARTY.  I am happy and yet also a wee bit embarrassed that I'm figuring out how to incorporate my love of cocktails in Weight Watchers.  Sigh.


 

10 comments:

  1. Hey Jenny,

    Honorary Hen here. You know what? You're human. That's what your kids are going to figure out from you "losing it". Then they're going to see that you can pull it back together, throw one hell of a party, and hug them tight yet again. You're not a Zen Master, you're not some perfect balance of enlightened acceptance of all life has to offer. You lose it. You say things. (They lose it. They say things. From what you've reported here. LOL.) But you're not now going to sink down into some morass where you lose your love for them, or your self-control. They'll see that sometimes life throws you such a big pile of junk that the pressure? It blows the top right off.

    But you haven't become self-destructive as far as I can tell. So many do, and with such little excuse. You're hanging in there, and not only that, but: 1) Throwing a party, 2) Getting your hair done (and YES, it DOES improve the mood amazingly!), 3) Dating! 4) Actively angling for a cool job. 5) Actively denying yourself some easy stress-reducers and instead improving your health with WW, 5) Dealing with a Grade-A Crazy-Makin' Fool (B.D.)...

    Don't feel guilty for letting off steam once in a while. Your kids aren't ignorant, nor unaware of what must be going on in your head, vis-a-vis B.D. Now you've just articulated it. In a primal manner. Next time, you'll likely be able to talk to them about the very same things with some wry humor and less anger.

    Bottled-up anger sucks. If you don't deserve to be vulnerable and human once in a rare while, then none of us do. It's not like you do this kind of rant in front of them, articulating your anger about your ex, EVER, so forgive yourself, yeah?

    Rock the hell out of that party, your new hairdo, your 16 pound weight loss (YES!) (And I'm callin' it 16, since it's 15.8, dammit!), and your date! (And then tell us which old beau it is, 'cause I'm dyin' to find out!)

    Cheers and Hugs,

    --Salish

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aww Salish, THANK YOU. I needed to hear a lot of this. All of it, actually. So true about the bottled up anger, even though I didn't let off my steam in the best way, I did get it out. William did express severe disappointment...I believe his exact words were, "You are kind of an evil person". I tried to explain to him that sometimes, in every person's life, there is stress. And sometimes that stress is like a balloon in your chest, getting bigger and bigger until it is hard to breathe and all of a sudden the air just rushes out of that balloon. I told him that I was sorry, that I didn't mean what I said (ok, to be 100% honest with you the thing I felt really badly about was saying that I hoped the baby had diarrhea and got really bad diaper rash. And cried for 24 hours striaght.)(poor baby).

      I will forgive myself.

      You are a fun commenter, Salish. Ever think about writing a blog?

      Thanks a million for your kind and MOTIVATIONAL words, and for reading. It means a lot!

      Jenny

      Delete
  2. I'm so proud of you...have I told you that lately?
    And the naughty stuff you said.....well hell, nobodys perfect all the time ;)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Proud of YOU, girl. The first step on the scale is the hardest.

    Ha...perfection 98% of the time. That's all I ask :o)

    Thank you for reading, friend.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Jenny, no body is perfect. I tell this to my kids all the time. The only perfect thing in this world is G-d, buddha, Rashi, whatever your higher power is. Have a great party on Monday. Wish I could be there.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Gail!! Wish you and yours could be here too. I hope you're having a fun trip!

      Thanks for the love!

      Delete
  5. Aw Jenny, you're not an evil person. Hmm...let's see. Who's having the party? YOU are. Who's getting them ready for school with no help from BDT (that's Big Daddy Tool, dontcha know)? YOU are. Who's kept the whole family afloat through the shitstorm of selfishness we call the "midlife crisis"? YOU have.
    So there.
    Not that anyone's keeping score.
    But I'm pretty sure if we were, it would look like this:
    Jenny: 2,482 BDT: 3
    And even the 3 may be generous.
    So just keep doing the best you can, pray a lot, and know that it *will* get better.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This brought tears to my eyes!

      Thank you ♥

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  6. I've always wondered what the kids would think if they knew your true thoughts. I'm inclined to believe they don't judge you and know you're trying.

    Otherwise, you would've been alone that night while they all went out to dinner. And, hell, they live with you. But maybe that wasn't a choice.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aww thanks Tang. I hope they get it, but you never know what will stick in a person's memory bank. Maybe it wasn't as awful as it felt?

      And there really wasn't a choice...only one parent wanted custody of the kids at divorce time. Guess who?

      Thanks for reading, and THANK YOU again for coming to the party. That meant a lot to me.

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