And here's what's lame: I really don't have that much to be psycho about. This party (have I mentioned that? I'm having a graduation party in 4 days) is pretty much planned out. The stuff I'm borrowing has either been borrowed or is in the process of being borrowed, the food is planned and just needs to be purchased, the deck has been power-washed and treated, the picture collage boards have been made...
It's pretty much a waiting game now.
But apparently in my Nutty World, that just gives the Party Lunatic more time to fester and become even more of a lunatic.
If I was a puppet on Mr. Rogers Neighborhood my name would be "Lady Crazy".
I think it's the timing of everything. I have a job interview tomorrow, an appointment to get my hair colored/highlighted on Saturday (which I am fretting about spending $$$ on but you know what? Like those L'Oreal bitches used to say, I'm worth it.)(or am I? I 'm having serious guilt over this). I have A DATE on Saturday, and I'm freaking out about what to wear. It's back to school time and there are so many things to buy and pictures to get taken and so many checks being written that there's smoke coming out of my checkbook.
Oh, yes, and the kids are driving me absolutely BAT SHIT crazy. I am very thankful that this didn't happen until just now (it's really been in just about the last 48 hours) but for real...I've broken my Golden Rule of No Yelling When The Windows Are Open, at least half a dozen times. And that's just today. I think the reality of school starting is sinking in, and they realized, en masse, that they haven't tried killing each other much this summer. So they're making up for lost time, the turds.
But, there is good news! Some very good news! I had a FABULOUS week as far as Weight Watchers is concerned. Dare I say, I'm getting the hang of this. I'm learning the fine art of moderation, which is no easy feat.
One thing I love is a good old quesadilla. The kids love them too, they're a regular lunch/snack thing here. So when I started Weight Watchers, I thought for sure I'd have to give up having that cheesy goodness. Well, to some extent, I have....face it, the white flour tortillas, stuffed with a cup of Mexican blend cheese and bacon crumbles and grilled chicken deliciousness and then browned on the stove with butter...that's probably not going to cut it anymore.
But I did find some replacement items and have now been able to enjoy some quesadilla magic for only about 7 Points Plus. There are some fabulous (ok to be truthful they are semi-cardboardy but whatever) low carb, low calorie tortillas I found, by La Tortilla Factory. Each tortilla is just ONE point. So I take two of those (3 points), 1/4 cup of reduced fat Montery Jack shredded cheese (2 points), a tsp. of real bacon crumbles (0 points!) and heat them up on a pan with a couple squirts of olive oil cooking spray (0 points!). When the cheese it melted through, take it off, cut it into fourths and serve with 2 tbs. of light sour cream (1 point) and like half a gallon of salsa (0 points). If you're feeling it, and you have points to spend, slice up 1/4 of an avocado and put that in with the cheese and bacon bits for an extra 2 points. Or add meat...grilled chicken or steak (around 2 or 3 points). Yum.
It's filling, it's pretty good, and it tastes like real food.
I have one thing to add, before my weight update:
I lost it tonight.
My BFF( yeah, I have a few of these) and I went to Costco tonight, to buy the 30 lbs. of meat to cook for THE PARTY. We got it all ready, all sauced and spiced up, had the house smelling like a carnivorous heaven. And of course, since this is the BFF that is also my drinking buddy, we had a bottle of wine. We talked about everything under the sun, as BFFs tend to do. We talked about our kids being assholes, about husbands who want their wives to do everything, about marriage, about cheerleading (?) about football, about parties, about friends, etc. We talked about everything.
I was a little testy, of course because I'm having A PARTY in a few days, but also because Big Daddy hadn't paid me his paltry alimony on time. According to our decree, it's due on the 1st and the 15th of every month. Now, granted, this isn't the king's ransom I'm talking about: it's enough to keep a few bills paid, enough for a small grocery trip....enough to help pay for a graduation PARTY. So I let Father of the Year know that I needed this particular check on the day it was due: on the 15th. He texted back: "I can't do that." I reminded him that the payments are due on the 1st and the 15th. No response.
Normally, the lateness of these payments isn't an issue. I keep enough of a cushion in my account so that it doesn't matter if "his" money is in there or not. But this month is different. I am having A PARTY in a few days, today was the day known as THE DAY PARENTS WRITE CHECKS day at the junior high, I have two regular bills that come out on the 15th...you get the idea. So I was like that awful commercial where people are leaning out of their windows screaming "IT'S MY MONEY AND I WANT IT NOW".
Long story even longer and even more painfully boring...tonight was one of his dinner hour nights with the kids. Of course, only the two younger ones went, and he dropped them off at 8:55 p.m., one of them clutching a white envelope in his hand. The envelope, of course, contained one of Secretary's checks, signed with her sweet loopy signature and my name and the amount written in Big Daddy's stilted, choppy hand. I hated myself, purely hated me, for grabbing the check and hopping into my tin can car and hauling ass to the ATM to deposit this pathetic slip of paper. It went in at 9:03. Cut off time for Wells Fargo is 9:00.
I don't think anything bounced tonight...I think I'm just kooky and doomsday enough of a person that every situation turns into "worst case" no matter what. But I was still livid. I was so mad that this person has the power to make me wait at the door like a Pavlovian dog, waiting for that god-damned slip of paper. Pulling strings like a giant, floppy haired, jowly puppeteer, while I jerked and danced below him. I hated him at that moment.
That hatred doesn't surface much anymore. In fact, I cannot recall that last time I felt it like I did tonight. Blame it on the Party Psychosis, blame it on the Back to School madness, be all Milli Vanilli and Blame it on The Rain.
I came home from my cannonball ATM run, and I slumped down on the couch. The kids were bickering about the last piece of pizza, complaining about the shitty dinner their stepmother had made, bitching about why didn't we buy new shoes today and why we have to wait until next month to pay for yearbooks.
And I lost it. I blew up. I didn't blow up at my kids, but I said some pretty awful things about their father. I said mean things, things that I have thought before, but never said out loud. I said bad things about Big Daddy, about his selfish, horrible wife and worst of all, I said evil things about the baby they made together. I wished bad things on all three, said things that I'm 100% certain my kids will remember until they are my age, and older. I saw the looks on their faces and in their eyes immediately after I said these things, and I saw things I wish I hadn't. They lost respect for me tonight.
I've always been the parent they can count on. The grown up in their lives, the one who takes the high road, the one that just keeps on truckin' no matter what happens. The one who tells them that they should love their dad, no matter what. The one who tells them "don't sweat the small stuff" and "it's all small stuff".
Tonight I let them down. And I'm beyond sad about it.
So there's my bummer of a post. I'm going to play trivia now, hopefully laugh a little and probably go way over my point allotment for the day (like the bottle of wine didn't do that, right?). I don't know what I can do, or more importantly, if there is anything I can do, to erase the bad things I said tonight.
But now for some more upbeat stuff: My weight loss progress:
Week 1: 4 lbs.
Week 2: 3.8 lbs.
Week 3: 3.2 lbs.
Week 4: 1.4 lbs.
Week 5: 3.4 lbs.
Grand total so far: -15.8 lbs. Woooot!!!
That's it for now...off to shred some meat. And no, that isn't a double entendre.
And P.S. The bottle of wine? And the dirty martinis I had at trivia? I only went 9 points over for the day. And those came out of my weeklies so I'm still sittin' pretty for my big date and THE PARTY. I am happy and yet also a wee bit embarrassed that I'm figuring out how to incorporate my love of cocktails in Weight Watchers. Sigh.