Whatever you want to call it, I gots it.
It's not for lack of anything to say, believe you me, I always have something to say. It's just finding the time, the patience, the willpower to sit down and get the words from A (my head) to B (this page).
I've had a few posts rattling around in my head over the past week, and even named them. Here's a few of the titles I've birthed (and don't be surprised if I recycle one or two. I'm so green like that):
GRAY MATTER: I'm dyeing to make a change
This one was going to be a witty, introspective piece on the coloring of one's hair. And how sick of it I am. Also I was going to give my own little review of the new foamy hair color. Here's the short version: it's ok. Except it spatters. My formica bathroom vanity looks like a decades-old crime scene. Note to self...stop forgetting to buy Mr. Clean Magic Erasers.
Dear Miss Manners: Is a Summons a proper baby gift?
Guess what this one is about. Just guess.
The Twins are in Love. Thank you Chico's Soma.
I have found the perfect bra. It makes me want to wear deep v-necks and shake my moneymakers. Ok, so they haven't made me a dime but stranger things have happened. Surely there's a market for fishbelly white, freckly middle aged boobies? Seriously. Chico's has a lingerie line called Soma and for the first time in my adult life I have a bra that works. Ok, ok. For the first time in my adult life since I breastfed four babies for 5 years each* plus gained/lost the same 50 lbs. over and over again, I have a bra that works. And it works like a 5 year old in Kathy Lee Gifford's sweatshop ( ie.; hard and for squat in return).
* yeah, my smart friends who are good with numbers and know the ages of me and my children are right; this is a mathematical impossibility. But it sounds much cleaner than "four babies for 15 months, 12 1/2 months, 2 1/2 years and 3 1/2 years each. I'm all about clean lines and decluttering, people.
Real Houswives of New York: Obviously Bethenny was the glue that kept this shattered vase of whackadoo intact
So I've had a chance to catch up on this current season of RHONY. So much to say. I didn't think it was possible for Ramona to become any crazier, or to develop any more tics. But she just keeps showing us. What's with the closed eyes while speaking? It's like a blink with narcolepsy. Countess LuAnne is turning into an even bigger, even more pretentious twat. I love how she's the Wine Queen now. Because she's knocking boots with David Schwimmer- oops I mean Jacques.
Sonja? "Luxury has a taste for me"...please. Luxury must enjoy noshing on Botox and ego. I wonder how that would taste on a bagel? Toasted in a toaster oven? She's killing me with the hints of financial distress this season. Uh huh. Because I wept bitter, salty tears when I could no longer afford more than two assistants and had to start using the children of my friends as unpaid "interns" to help with monumental tasks like fetching the mail and putting out fresh pee pads for my dogs. I feel your pain, Sonja.
Kelly is still looking mannish to me. Still waiting for a penis to flop out from the bottom hem of one of her too-short skirts. Maybe it will happen in Morocco. "Living the American Dream one mistake at a time." Starting with your self-tanning lotion, Oompa?
I love Jill, though, and laughed non-judgmental laughs when she bestowed those koala clip on things upon her friends as souvenirs from The Land Down Under. I think she is the least-awful out of all of them.
I have no words about Alex. Ok, just a few. She's modeling. Like, with pictures of her face and everything. God only knows who's hired her, or if this is just a production for the show, but really? Here is what I see every single time her big rectangular, lantern-jawed mug is on the screen:
Please tell me I'm not the only one who sees a resemblance?
Gotta run. We are under yet another tornado warning. This has been the wettest spring since God tried to drown the world. Maybe those Rapture peeps are on to something? Mayhap the End of Days is more of a progressive-type thing, rather than a flip-of-the-switch thing? I need to befriend someone with a big boat.