7/2/19

Mad About You?



"Why don't you write on the blog anymore?"

It comes up now and then. The emails used to show up almost daily, now it's one or two a week.

"Hey, where'd you go? I miss reading your stuff."

*sigh* I miss writing my stuff. I know, I know...every few months there's a blip of activity on this old site and the few of you still out there, the few of you still reading blogs, get to hear my tired excuses for not maintaining this space. No time! No energy! No fresh ideas!

I was talking to a friend this past weekend and she mentioned the blog. Actually, she mentioned writing in general and how I was going to do big things with the words and how she missed perusing the daily/weekly rants and ramblings I used to proffer right here in this very spot. The excuse I gave her was a surprise, even to me:

"I'm not mad anymore."

HUH? How's that, Jenny? You're not mad anymore?

I elaborated. Told her that back in the day, when instead of mentally blogging I actually, you know, BLOGGED, I was pissed.

Heartbreak and shock still lived and breathed in me but the anger, oh shiiiiiit, the anger was my skeleton, it was the blood and the veins and the nerves. It snapped and crackled like a well-tended fire in a roasting hot hearth and it fueled every aspect of my life. Literally, every.single.aspect.

The rage woke me up, it tugged the covers and yanked at my feet and shoved me into the shower and it pushed the gas pedal of whatever hooptie I was driving. It parented my kids and steered shopping carts and walked the damn dog. It poured wine and vodka and bummed smokes and chose disastrous mates and stabbed forks and spoons into soft warm bowls and plates of carby comfort foods.

And it guided my fingers over various keyboards, each one pressing a single letter which would form a word which would build a sentence which would become a paragraph which would forge

this blog.

The writing came fast and furious, for a long time it felt like a bottomless pit of woe and wrath. I was so mad at my ex-husband and what his dumbass choices meant for me and our children. It was my own personal Olympic flame, blazing endlessly.

Until it went out.

Did it go out all in one fell swoop? Nah. In fact, if you poke at me and hit just the right spot, I'll still take a swipe at ya. There's anger but it's either buried so deep or worn so thin that it couldn't fuel a hamster wheel, let alone a middle aged lady. Now it comes out as indignant protests over long waits at traffic lights or eye-rolling annoyance at the person who's taking too long on the equipment at the gym.

The anger subsided. And so did the words.

That sucks. Because I enjoy writing. I enjoy entertaining people, I enjoy helping others. I like doing this. And while I love to pull out a good Hulk reference and say "that's my secret, Cap, I'm always angry" (because who doesn't enjoy a Marvel reference) I am most definitely not always angry. Not anymore.

(cue Carrie Bradshaw voice) And it makes me wonder...can I write without being mad?

I mean, let's get real. There is SO MUCH to be mad about, right? Politics and the bigoted sexist politicians who politic, mosquitoes, calories, bodies falling apart, dogs getting old, the high price of feta crumbles (FOR REAL THOUGH!!), people who run over baby geese and turtles and possums, people in general. Hell I could be mad all the live long day, now that I think about it.

But I don't want to. I do, however, want to write. I want to write and make people laugh and think and cry. I want to write and help women who are where I was all those years ago. I want to write and let someone out there know they aren't alone.

Also, I'm trapped in a quiet office for 8 hours a day this summer and I can't afford to shop online so, yeah. I could write.

I'm going to hit publish on this one, right now, before I start the second-guess dance and self doubt sets in.

Stay tuned for more. Unless I get mad. LOL.

17 comments:

  1. Oh, I get it! When you are angry, the words seem to just flow from your fingers to your keys - whether it's about an ex or how that idiot in the left lane just cut you off to tear across three lanes to get to the exit - all without using their turn signal.

    I have been examining why I haven't been writing more. For me, I think, it boils down to really examining the minutiae (I KNOW! Who has time for that!). For example, I just took a random, makes no sense to anyone but me picture. I am now pondering how I can turn that into a post. Will it be Nobel Peace Prize worthy? Probably not. But most likely, it will resonate with someone else who will say, "This happens to me ALL the time too!" I have a feeling while a lot of people can understand/relate to an angry post, they can also relate to a Well, This Random Post.

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    1. You are totally right. And I read the post with the pic ♥

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  2. I get it here too. When my ex left, 14 years ago, I started writing a short story - or maybe it was going to be a novel, I hadn't thought about how far I wanted to take it - based on the experience. I felt it had promise but eventually lost the fire and just didn't care any more. Ironically, my plan was to end the story not with meeting someone else (which I haven't done) or some spectacular revenge fantasy, but with reaching Meh. And once I reached meh, I lost the desire to keep telling the story. Go figure lol.

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  3. Anger helped you find your voice and without it consuming you as it once did, the words don't come as easily. Your words are so real. I feel like I'm talking to a friend when I read your blog or posts. I can only say that you have a gift and you reach people.. truly touch their lives. I would suggest that you don't stop writing. You still have a story to tell. I've been reading this book I picked up at the library and I found very interesting, "One Year to a Writing Life" by Susan M. Tiberghien. She has some good suggestions for just putting pen to paper. I hope you keep writing!

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  4. I hope you write more this summer! I love reading whatever you post! :-)

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  5. I hope that the rage has been replaced by a full range of emotions, prominently skewed toward joy and peace. Thanks as always for sharing with us!

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  6. Love this..I buy the block of Feta and cut it up, because you're right..Feta crumbles...WTF? Keep it up, like the rowing machine..it only makes you stronger. It's nice to not be mad all the time.

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  7. I’ve enjoyed your writing. I have a friend going thru the same thing you did right now and it’s so hard to watch her struggle and be angry and I’ve recommended she read this blog. But thru your writings I’ve also been able to see that change in tone and focus from anger to acceptance to rebuilding you life and I can’t wait to see that in my friend too. I hope you continue to write. Even on a once in a while basis. You have a great voice!

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  8. I think it's wonderful that your writing helped you work through your anger or at least helped you find a place to put it for a bit. I am looking forward to reading whatever you write.

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  9. Hi Jenny! (This is Kelly Johnson from the FB) I see your posts there but love the longer blog posts too - even when they are about stuff I can't relate to well like dealing with adult children. Glad your material no longer has to be all anger fueled <3

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  10. I've been having the problem of not having anything to say 'write-worthy.' I might do an entire page, then ask myself 'who in the hell wants to read about this?' I don't have many readers and NO. ONE. EVER. comments, so as much as I enjoy my blog, I'm not finding a purpose in it. Waaahhhh!!

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  11. I'm one of those random people who checks back once in a while cause I enjoy your writing so much- and could relate to so many things you were going through. Something made me check back tonight....what you write is so real, about anger and how it fuels you for so long. "Either buried so deep or worn so thin"...wow - that's real. I feel ya. I'm getting there too. Your gift is being able to write about the human existence and the real things we think and feel, that most people could never get down on paper. I hope you keep on writing, somewhere. It would be a shame not to share that incredible talent.

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  12. My husband often says, 'I remember when you didn't swear (when we only had a few kids/or they were really little). What happened?' I am always like- it's how I cope with the craziness. I wonder if my writing about the craziness will dry up when the kids are grown.

    I, too, hope you keep writing.

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  13. always enjoy hearing what you have to say :)

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  14. I always thought blogs have a purpose and a shelf life. You are writing about one part or chapter of your life. I used to be disappointed when bloggers unceremoniously abandoned their blogs (um, Crazy Aunt Purl, are you listening?), but I kept a blog for a while after my divorce, and eventually I didn't want to write about it anymore. That's okay--channel your writing in the way that works for you.

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  15. You're a natural with words no matter the emotion behind them. Always ready for more Jenny!

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