How You Like Me Now? No really. How?

Women tend to go through what I call "The Invisibling". It starts around your late thirties, picks up speed through the forties and by the time your fifties roll around it's full strength. It's like we are wearing invisibility cloaks. God only knows what will happen in the next decade: do we become like vampires who can't even see our own reflections? Do we just become columns of vapor moving in and out of society like gaseous ghosts? Pretty soon only dogs and the very young will be able to see me. Lassie? What's wrong girl? Did Timmy fall down the well or is there a 50 year old woman nearby?

In a way, it's understandable. I mean, you know how it is, zoos will have a baby animal exhibit and people go nuts but if they had one featuring tired cows with dried up udders, would anyone go? (heck yeah I would because cows are amazing but that's just me)(really they are kind of like huge dogs)

Society tends to fawn over the young. The fresh. The collagen-rich. Middle aged and up women? Not so much.

And try being a fat woman. You might as well not exist at all. Cripes. A lot of clothing brands can't even be bothered to carry plus sizes in their actual stores, only online. Like, fine okay we will make clothes that might fit you gals but you do not get to try that shit on before you buy it. Hello, Old Navy. I'm talking to you!

So as I continue on with this fitness experience, I'm noticing a few things. And one of those things is that, for the first time in ages, other people are actually noticing me. Men, specifically.

A few glances now and then, some actual banter at the gym. Friendliness. Smiles. Eye contact.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT. 

I go to the gym almost every day. My summer hours at work are 6:30-2:30. It's so laid back, and so casual, that I am able to wear my workout clothes and just head to the YMCA when it's quitting time. Now I'm part of that little crowd of late-afternoon regulars. I lift weights for about thirty minutes, and then head to the track for an hour of what I have dubbed walkrunning. I blast my music and think and walk like it's my job. I don't stop until I hit at least 12k steps.

There's this guy who is often there at the same time. He's approximately my age (late 40's-early 50's) and kind of cute in that way middle aged men can be sometimes. It may just be that most everyone else who is there at that time is 70+ so there's that, but...

We've smiled and exchanged some pleasantries. This is the point in the post where I hit pause, and the record scratch sounds rings out loud and clear.

REMEMBER that I am awkward and have very cavewoman-like social skills. Chances are real good that Gym Dude is just a nice guy who sees a fellow exerciser and is being a normal kind human. In my head, though, any interaction is either an advance or an intrusion. There's really no in-between with me and that makes life puzzling and also kind of like a Rubik's cube. Everyone else can get all the colors together and there's Jenny in the corner pretending she has some great master plan technique but in reality I'm screaming internally and trying to not smash the gd cube against the floor.

So I respond to his smiles and chat with what is probably a threatened chimpanzee baring-of-the-teeth-smile/grimace and some kind of strained vocal activity. Why am I still single?

Of course this newfound and somewhat unsettling attention provokes a little righteous indignation with me.

I am the same person. Even though there's less of my physical being, I am the same freaking person I was a few months ago.

Or am I?

Discussing all of this with a friend made me look at it from a different perspective. I had mentioned the guy at the gym, and also a couple other instances where a man who didn't have any obligation to acknowledge me, did. And did so in a flattering kind of way.

"It makes me crazy, you know?" I said. "People are really shallow. Men especially. I am the same Jenny now that I was before I started this thing back in March."

My friend smiled and looked at me: "But are you really the same person? Think about it. Yeah there's like 50 pounds less of you but you've definitely changed in other ways. You wear different style clothes, you smile more, YOU are the one who is making eye contact now, where before you either just looked straight ahead or even worse, down at the floor. Maybe these dudes were looking at you but you just didn't notice."

I was all ready with my standard THEY JUST WANT YOUNGER AND SKINNIER LADIES rant when she continued:

"And yeah, maybe it is because your body is smaller. Aren't you the one who only likes tall guys, Jenny? Think of all the cool short men you've been literally overlooking for the past decade. Don't tell me if one of them suddenly became 6' 3" you wouldn't notice."

I looked for some ointment to put on the savage burn and reluctantly agreed.

This also came up when discussing the poor soul who was fixed up with me a few times earlier this year. I was so excited to go out on a date because I had lost 17 pounds and felt like a new person. Things didn't work out with us (it was mutual and not gross or unfriendly at all) but another friend said "Wow, I wonder what he'd think if he saw you now?" And I was all "BUT I AM ME STILL AND IF HE DIDN'T LIKE ME THEN WHY WOULD HE LIKE ME NOW" because there still is truth in that statement.

On our dates we had really good conversation, we had mutual likes and dislikes and I even told him how to roast asparagus. But we just didn't click and despite all of my positive self-talk of there's no shame in admitting someone doesn't turn your crank, it doesn't make them an asshole Jenny. not every guy is your ex, there was still doubt. Was it my weight?

Maybe it was. I don't know. He was in great shape and I still didn't get any butterflies but then again I am a woman and there's been science stuff that has shown us, over and over, that the guys are visual and we ladies are more about what's on the inside.

Or are we? This whole experience has led to some deep thinks for yours truly. And it has me questioning my own prejudices and desires.

It also has me wondering if I'm finally ready to start thinking about dating again. I mean, actually trying instead of creating lunatic scenarios in my head when someone tosses a benign how you doin' my way.

I will close this therapy session with a progress photo. It's with great reluctance that I do this, since I am very sensitive about what I let the world see.

When the Today show video came out, the one about how being a stay at home mom didn't prepare me for life post-divorce, something in me changed. I have only watched it once and that was when I decided to start working on getting healthier. It's a beautiful video with a great message but it was a jolt of reality regarding my body size. (here's the link if you want to see it. I suggest just turning the volume up and not looking at it)

Also helpful (LOL) was the guy who commented on the video "maybe if Jennifer didn't eat like a sea lion there would've been more money to feed her family".

Sea lion? Maybe. But like a kind person replied: "Sea lions are badass."

Here's where I'm at (well, the gym bathroom picture was taken a couple weeks ago, there have been a few new muscles since then I think). It's very important that I point out to you what you CANNOT see in these photos: how I felt/feel. My anxiety has lessened considerably. I sleep better. There is zero heartburn. My knees don't hurt. My back doesn't hurt. I can walk faster and longer and lift insane heavy weights. Our outer shells are just one aspect to us, and that's all you can see in pictures. Weight is a touchy subject and I don't want anyone to think this is a shaming thing.

It's me in both pics. Just remember that. Still me.