4/13/16

If You Give A Broke Mom a Tax Refund...



Tax time. Those two words have been daunting to me over the past several years. With the exception of one exciting April many moons ago, I have owed money to our government every single year. I don't know how I scraped up the cash, honestly. Somehow, like everything else- they got paid, and miraculously, paid on time.

The irony of the poorest chick in the hen house having to pay Uncle Sam wasn't lost on me. It made me roll my eyes at all of the election-year hyperbole even more...people complaining about their precious tax dollars going to help the lazy freeloaders of society and all that. There I was, squatting at poverty level, contributing what little I had to all of those precious tax dollars being grabbed at by those "leeches" like game show contestants in the Wind Tunnel O'Money. please note the quotation marks around leeches...personally I believe corporate welfare is a far bigger shame than helping those who are in real need. Let's not get into that though.

This year held a glimmer of hope, however, due to the end of alimony in late 2014 and the addition of child support from then on. You see, my ex-husband is pretty smart when it comes to all things financial and long ago he and his lawyer went to great lengths to ensure that any money he sent my way was counted as spousal maintenance versus child support. Because, tax benefits. Back then I was overjoyed to be getting anything other than an ulcer from him, so of course I agreed. That is what ended up biting me in the arse over and over again at tax time. Maybe an ulcer would've been better?

It was with tentative optimism, then, that I sat down in front of the computer and loaded up the old Turbo Tax. I had all of my receipts, all of my records, all of the social security numbers organized and in order. I clickety-clacked, entered numbers and reconciled all of it. Dependents and educational expenses and rent paid, oh my. The dollar amount under the words "YOUR FEDERAL REFUND" increased as I went along. I tried to not look at it but couldn't stop, my eyes wide like they get when it's 1:30 on Friday and I see the word "martini".

When all was said and done I sat back and exhaled. Then, I ran the numbers again. And once more just to be sure.

I've heard stories of big huge fat tax refunds, but thought they were legends like Big Foot and low cost cable television. People always went on about what they were going to do with their refunds and I'd be crying in the corner, writing a check to the IRS and cursing the family court system.

This time, though. Boy howdy. It was big, by my standards.

Believe it or not, I didn't cry. I might have let out a big whoooop and I also may have texted my bestie.

And then, I got scared.

Here's the bizarre thing. Being poor effs with your head in many ways, and one of the weirdest is what it does to your relationship with money. Now, I'm saying poor as in "one mishap away from being homeless" poor and not "aughh we can't afford both a winter and a spring vacation this year" poor, okay? When you spend a bit of time worrying about feeding your kids and keeping a roof over your heads, money becomes like this big evil alien spacecraft, not unlike the one that hovered above the White House in the movie Independence Day. Fretting about it consumes every waking moment, and most of your sleeping ones, too.

So this little windfall was as terrifying as it was exciting. Maybe a little more the former than the latter.

I thought about it, during the days before it was deposited in my checking account. I considered the things that needed to be paid for, the things we really needed but could never afford, the fun stuff a broke ass mom and her kids could do for once, without the mom chewing her lower lip to bits trying to avoid thinking about the financial repercussions.

My god, I thought. I can get the stupid broken handle on my car door fixed! No more would I have to leave the window open only to haul ass out to the parking lot mid-rain to roll it up!

I could help my eldest with his car repair bill! I could get my poor dog's ear medicine! I could get new contacts and throw away the trial pair I've been wearing for way too many months! We could go out to dinner, all five of us and we could order whatever we wanted! Oh mah gah. I could maybe even afford to get a second car for the kids. A beater, of course, like my little silver tuna can Ford Focus, but just think...a second car!

Fantasies traipsed through my brain like fleet-footed nymphs: I imagined walking into a liquor store and saying in my best Gery Poupon accent "I say, good man, please point me in the direction of your finest wines within the 8-10 dollar range!" and then "Benson, I have procured several bottles. Please pull the car around so I may take leave of this fine establishment."

I even caught myself standing in front of a 40" Smart TV at Costco one night. It was marked way, way down and I stood there for a good five minutes, picturing myself in bed with a big shiny tv on my dresser and how nice it would be to watch my British shows on something besides the wee little chromebook. My days (actually nights) of falling asleep on the couch could be history! What could be better than dozing off in the comfort of my own bed, the dulcet tones of Netflix rocking me to sleep?

Luckily, I bitch-slapped myself right out of that one. I said out loud, "Who do you think you are, Beyonce??? Get real, Jenny." And then went on to get the milk and eggs and bulk pack of Hawaiian Sweet rolls I went there for in the first place.

What I did, and am doing with it, is this: I let us have some fun. Nothing crazy, of course, but there have been dinners and some new clothes and yes, a big linen-scented candle. I splurged on some gluten-free licorice from Amazon and am planning my 18 year old's graduation party without wincing and my daughter is finally going to get contacts (shh, that one's a surprise).

But that's it. The rest of it is remaining untouched. If I could find an old-timey Folgers coffee can and bury it somewhere, I would. Because being poor doesn't only make you afraid of money...it teaches you that you can't be trusted with it. That somehow, you are to blame for the financial mess you're in. You've made bad choices, dumb decisions and if only you'd somehow been just slightly smarter with your dollars, you wouldn't be in straits so dire.

I'm trying to get over that one. I think a fear of money is okay, to some extent, but I need to prove to myself that I am responsible, I am smart enough to handle this stupid chunk of change and I won't blow it. I was married, for a long time, to someone who had holes in his pockets and every bonus or gift horse was spent within days: new cars, new suits, new golf clubs, new kitchens. My first instinct then, when confronted with any excess money is HOW CAN I SPEND THIS AS QUICKLY AND FRIVOLOUSLY AS POSSIBLE? Girls? Learn how to handle money wisely. Parents? Teach all of your kids how to do it. Please. 

I guess, in hindsight, dealing with financial stress for so long afterwards has been kind of a blessing/baptism by fire. It has taught me that new doesn't necessarily mean better. It has definitely hammered in the differences between wants and needs.

But perhaps the most important lesson learned is, sometimes it's okay to splurge. Even if your definition of splurge is much different than it used to be. Where there used to be fancy clothes and granite counter-tops, there are now Old Navy sale sprees, scented candles and Saturday movie dates with a kid or two.

I think this definition better. Better, but I'm still scared.

















22 comments:

  1. Wow! Such an awesome read because I feel all these things too. That fear. Always robbing Peter to pay Paul. I've owed taxes the last 3 years because of my alimony payments. It's like you're damned if you do, damned if you don't! It's crazy. So I have $130/mo automatically taken out of my checking account each month. It hurts but what can I do. Not one bit of government sympathy for single moms who are putting kids through college and really,really trying every single day and constantly spinning wheels. I feel for you Jenny. And I'm SO HAPPY for you that you finally got a refund, it's a comfort knowing that it's there just in case.

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    1. Silvana, YES. Always robbing someone to pay the other guy. I think there's something really wrong with the way the taxes are figured, especially in the case of alimony. The burden should be at least 50/50 for that. I don't know of any divorced woman who was granted spousal maintenance and is living large. Not one. I know every red cent I received was spent on the kids, since for many years there wasn't child support. Auughh. If I could go back in time...

      Thank you so much for celebrating with me. Even though it's not going to last forever it's so comforting knowing it's there.

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  2. Don't forget to buy yourself a giant pack of paper towels!!!

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    1. HA!!! Girl. I just checked and we're down to two rolls of TP and 3 of paper towels. Looks like a Costco trip is in order.

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  3. I am SO happy for you!! You are smart to save as much as you can for a rainy day, 'cause single moms know there will always be a rainy day! I'm also so happy you got to splurge a little as well!! Your comment about finally getting contacts for your daughter made me sad. Father's who can afford to pay for such necessities for their children (I am nearsighted as a bat and I can attest that yes, contacts are totally a necessity) and choose not to are the lowest of the low. Gutter scum. Even my gutter dwelling ex pays for half of our two boys medical expenses no covered by insurance (but sticks me with the insurance coverage bill because state law allows him to do so). Your kids truly must see you as a superhero...'cause you are!!

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    1. Girl, we all know there's always a rainy day in the forecast, ha!!

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  4. Another great post!! Make sure you do something nice with this money. I loved reading this but also felt angry on your / your kids behalf. This should have happened YEARS ago.

    It is also really telling that BD wasn't good with money. I guess not thinking about the long term consequences of his actions is apparent in all aspects of his life,

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    1. Thank you so much. And you're absolutely right, it should have happened a long time ago. In hindsight, I was kind of screwed over by the courts. Oh well. Better late than never!

      And yes. LOL. I think consequences are not something he ponders at great length.

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  5. Congratulations on getting a tax refund. My recommendation to you, is run that sucker to the bank. Put it into an account with no checks or arm cards attached. Then forget it exists! When you have a major issue, it's there to help. Call it an emergency fund and only use it for those reasons.

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    1. Oh Patti. Yes, it's in savings now which requires a series of clicks and swipes to move. So it's safe. God knows there will be a major issue sooner or later. I'm so grateful to have that safety net in place now.

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  6. Getting a refund is icing on the cake but the message I got from this that you got screwed by your lawyer at the time of your divorce. Let this be a lesson to all the women out there contemplating a divorce (my daughter included), get the best lawyer you can get, get a loan, max out your credit cards whatever it takes because you deserve to get the max out of a shitty situation!

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    1. ABSOLUTELY. This all happened when I was being helped by a law firm pro-bono. I am forever grateful for their help but allowing the child support to be reduced to zero, while keeping after him for spousal maintenance was a huuuge mistake. In hindsight, when he took me to court crying "I'm broke!" they should have put alimony on hold and gone for maximum child support. Because as it stands, I had some form of alimony for 8 years but for over 6 of those, not a penny of child support. Guess what the alimony was used for? Not to further my education, not to better myself or help pay for a house or anything like that. It was used to feed my kids and take care of them. And then I got the added "FU" of having to pay taxes on it.

      Gah. Now I'm frothing at the mouth over how absolutely twisted it all is. He got away with a lot that wasn't fair.

      Almost makes me want to go to law school...

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  7. This post makes me so happy for you! I think you handled it wisely - have a little fun and put a little away for that rainy day. Because we all know that rainy days are going to come.

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    1. Yes, they are always coming! Thank goodness for a little security...the next storm won't be as scary :)

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  8. Well said! I'm in the same boat as you are and, thank God for small favors, I do get a refund every year (never got alimony, but I'm thankful for the child support!)
    This year's refund was held hostage by the ex dragging me into court on a trumped up contempt charge (but we won't go into that). Suffice it to say, I won the argument and the funds. Car repairs, new roof, and finishing the porch, plus new clothes for the kids AND myself (first time since high school).
    You're doing it right!

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    1. Seriously...contempt? YAY for victories like yours. I'm thinking alimony is just another way for women to get screwed over.

      So happy for all the fun (and practical) stuff you are able to do with this little "gift". Enjoy the new clothes and the new roof!

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  9. Love this post! So happy to read that you got a little sumpin sumpin back Uncle Sam for a change. It makes me sick that BD made sure you paid more taxes than him. I do believe from everything I've read here that man has earned himself a special place in hell. Just makes me want to be a better person so I don't have to see people like him and my ex in the afterlife!

    So glad you and the kids got to splurge a little too! They are lucky to have you as their parent.

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  10. We are finally, FINALLY, making enough money to fill the car with gas when we need it instead of $20 here and there. My husband and I worked our asses off last year and it felt like it made a difference (he's hourly, I'm freelance also hourly). I pay estimated taxes throughout the year for my freelance income. And then we do our taxes this year -- and are apparently bumped up to a new bracket. Which means we owe money on top of all those payments throughout the year and my estimated taxes are higher next year. As in, it won't feel any different even though I'm making more. What kind of system is that? It's maddening.

    I'm thrilled for your refund. May it grow every year, like corporate CEO bonuses seem to.

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  11. Yep got a refund too. I didn't get alimony but fought like mad for higher child support payments. Still isn't ever enough. How can you plan for class parties or stolen school supplies and equipment?

    But the boys and I went to a reasonable restaurant in the next price range up one night and the theater the next weekend. Then used what was left to pay up late bills to get current. Saved the rest until the water heater broke.

    I'm back to square one but I've played this game before. Made it this far and I'll continue to if nothing more than to show my boys it can be done.
    Best is when they tell me in that sweet awkward teenage way that they're proud to be my children because I've survived despite it all.

    It's absolutely awesome that you got a return this year. Enjoy some of it, get a repair done, but agree totally with you to prep because we all know that a rainy day isn't far behind.

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