1/9/16

Oh Come, All Ye Faithful...





One of the kids and I were discussing religion. I was a soft Methodist growing up, and become a semi-soft Lutheran via marriage. What? You've never compared religion to cheese? I'm a Havarti, as opposed to an aged Parmesan. And now I'm hungry. As I was saying: the kids and I stopped attending the church we'd belonged to for well over a decade when they decided to be less than accommodating to folks of the gay ilk. I don't roll that way, thus our exodus. So we haven't been to church in a long while but I do still believe in God and Heaven and all that jazz. I try to live my life in a good way, not so much out of fear of going to Hell but more so out of fear of encountering pissed off relatives when I do cross over.

The kid and I were talking about church and religion and some of the ceremonies they'd gone through. Communion and confirmation, to be precise. The kid mentioned how they liked being part of that group, how it felt special to be included in these milestones with their peers.

I asked the kid if they missed being part of a church family. The kid said "Nah. I think you hammered it in for a good amount of time." (LOL).

Then the kid said, "You know, Dad told me he doesn't believe in God."

I didn't say much. Just an eyebrow raised ever-so-slightly and the response, "Really?" He'd been a very active participant in our early church-going days. Ushered, tithing, the whole nine yards. But as our marriage faded away, so did all of the things we did as a family. Church included. I should add, non-believing/atheism isn't a bad thing in my opinion. "Some of my best friends are atheists" Saying it in a jokey way but it's entirely true. A person's worth and likability, to me, has nothing to do with what or who they do or don't worship and everything to do with what kind of person they are. #truth

The kid mused on a bit more: "He says it's because Secretary doesn't believe in God. He says he decided she was right."

Oh dear sweet Jesus. You should see the bite-marks on my tongue, folks. I said nothing to the kid. But in my head I was thinking:

"She may not believe in God but damn straight she's got a whole lotta faith. She's made babies with a man who walked away from his wife and four kids. Girl believes in something!"

And isn't that the truth? Aren't these people, the ones who put on their hardhats and get to the dirty business of helping dismantle marriages, aren't they the most faithful among us? They truly believe in a higher power. They believe that they are immune to the plague which took down the relationship before them. Whether it's because they have a mink-lined vagina or dick for days, whether it's because they're younger or smarter or richer or just plain -er in every way...they believe they are exempt. They believe it's not going to happen to them. They believe in it, with such a fervent heat, that they start brand new, shiny lives with the ones who so casually disregarded their previous ones.

People talk about those of us left behind as being brave. Of being strong. Of having an almost preternatural mettle.

But really...it's those hopeful, determined souls who knowingly build a house upon a rotted, unstable foundation who are the brave ones, isn't it? Oh, the trust they have in their partners-in-crime. It would be admirable if they weren't such awful people. If they weren't the harbingers of so much breakage and ruin and mess.

I've done some shitty things in my life but I never cheated on my spouse. I have been involved with a man or two who did, though. On one hand, yay for honesty! Let's lay all of our dirty cards out on the table early on, I say. I'd rather they find out about the skeletons in my closet- about my dysfunctional family, about my bankruptcy and foreclosure and about the blog I have where I work out my mental issues- at the beginning and from me, rather than later on and from a Google search.

On the other hand, yikes. Yes, I want to know if they cheated on their wives. Although it's not a 100% guaranteed deal breaker (because I am not only soft physically but soft of heart as well and you will not be written off until you give me good reason) it does set off oh so many alarms. Getting married again isn't high on my to-do list but if it does happen, it's very doubtful it would be with someone who'd done to a spouse what was done to me. There would be a trust deficit. I know people change, I know there are as many sides to every story as there are freaking dried out pine needles on my living room floor right now but still...

to put that kind of faith in someone with an adulterous track record? I don't know if I have it in me.

Blind faith? No. I don't think I do. But good on you, if you do.

Good on you, and good luck.





20 comments:

  1. I think you hit the nail on the head. My ex husband married the atheist mistress and for someone who doesn't believe in God she sure carries a lot of faith around that he isn't going to do the same to her. Take care and happy 2016 to you.

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    1. Talk about trust, am I right? Thanks so much for reading, and I'm sorry you know exactly what I'm talking about here.

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  2. It's probably easier to cope with the idea of fade to black/curtain close than it is to imagine sitting though the blistering movie critique of your life while St. Peter and Gabriel provide the Mystery Science Theater laugh track . "Look at them in the janitors closet! Damn, that's a bad angle!"

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    1. I don't often cackle out loud when reading these comments, but this did it.

      Thank you!

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  3. For my ex, it was the opposite. Upon leaving, he immediately became involved with a large evangelical church and is now holier than thou can imagine. That does not keep him paying child support on time or really attempting to parent in any way at all or to do anything at all to stop the abuse of our youngest child by his wife. I expect they got religion because they were trying to absolve the guilt they felt. Their affair began on one of those adults only websites and they didn't just cheat with each other. But they found Jesus and they have been forgiven, washed clean and have clear consciences. Whatever. Me, I have been having a crisis of faith for the last several years so I am not sure what I believe anymore.

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    1. Bless their hearts!

      And girl. I hear you re: the crisis of faith. I question things, a lot. This world is so full of unjust and unfair acts, so many suffering. It doesn't make sense.

      Thank you so much for reading :)

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  4. Amazing how many of us have similar stories... I have been struggling with wanting more spirituality and a faith community after leaving a church several years ago due to its stance on homosexuality. It was the last straw after already feeling judged by members for being a divorcee. Since then, my daughter has had no religious practice in her life. My ex, who used to attend church regularly with me, abandoned church when he left our marriage. I assume he felt guilty for his affair and the lies he told to live a double life. I sometimes wonder what kind of faith he and his mistress/wife have to think that they each won't make the choice to cheat again.

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  5. My ex stopped going to church as soon as he left...too much guilt I'm sure. I ran into his affair partner (now wife) this summer and she was wearing a tight black t-shirt with the word "sinful" broadcasted across her large, fake boobs. We had a brief conversation in which she told me her daughter just got back from Bible camp and just accepted Jesus into her heart and they're now looking for a church as a family but it's hard to find the "right fit". She has faith alright...smh. You seriously can't make this stuff up.

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    1. Wow, she sounds like a real sweetheart, LOL! If my ex still has any of the "old him" left deep down, I'd bet his conscience had a little bit to do with him jumping on the no-God bandwagon.

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  6. I asked my ex once, "Does she really believe you're not going to cheat on her?" He said, "I don't know." So I asked, "Do you believe you're not going to cheat on her?" He said, "I don't know."

    I'm really glad I don't have to live that way anymore.


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    1. Wow! Sounds like you are so much better off, Katina. Not a good way to live, for either of them. Can you imagine being that unclear re: your values?? Yuck.

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    2. No, I can't. Cheating is a no-go for me. I never did, I never would, I could never be "the other woman", and I'm 99.99% sure that someone who had cheated would get nothing from me but a door closing in his face.

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  7. I just wanted to tell you that Momastery's latest blog (I would copy the link but for some reason the page is down) reminded me of you. It's "This is how to be a woman" and it's about being a "sister" and passing your knowledge on to others traveling the same path as you. You do that. So thanks. Thanks for trying to lighten the load for others even when you (STILL!!) have too much to carry. I dig your kindness.

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  8. Great that the two asshats don't believe in God.....Satan will be easier on them when they reach hell for the way they've treated you and the children. What goes around, comes around.....Keep it up Jenny, you are loved.

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  9. Such a good point about this different kind of "faith" that there is immunity for some and not others with certain behavior.

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  10. Oh she believes in something alright! She believes she's special. She believes he won't lie to or cheat on her. Because they're soul mates, ya know? This is true love! He won't abandon *her* kids. No, no, no! She is special, dammit! They are both disgusting. I don't see the appeal in marrying a man who cheats on his wife and abandons his children. And yet there seems to be a market for that...

    In my situation the STBX is surrounded by wonderful, devout Christians. We have his mother, who encouraged his former mistress to call him to cheer him up because he was "so sad". Then we have his stepdad who liked Harley's post on Facebook about having a "sleepless night since she was missing the comfort she'd grown so accustomed to", i.e. my husband wasn't in her bed anymore since the weekend was up and he had to go back home for the week. Oh, did I mention the STBX FIL is a Pentecostal pastor? That makes STBX MIL the pastor's wife. And of course I can't forget the STBX SIL who begged him to leave me and yet gets up in front of the church every Sunday (different church) and sings for the Lord! This is the same person who, when she was the lead singer of the praise and worship team, left her first husband for their pastor. After helping to destroy a thriving, 800+ member church, she eventually left Husband #2 for the current model. All this to say I'm not really sure believing in God brings about any better results. They still cheat and/or support cheating. They just believe they're forgiven for their shitty behavior.

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  11. oh boy. so much I could say to your ex. One word always does it for me though, KARMA. that big old KARMA bus. It comes.

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  12. We never went to church as a family but the ex did believe in God. After I caught him cheating with the atheist, he proudly declared that he no longer believed in God, but instead "maybe just a higher power or something". Of course he had to stop believing because those pesky 10 Commandments got in the way of his narrative. To Hell with them all (the real Hell, like the one in the Bible, ha!)

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