How I Ended Up With Bert In My Pants, or: How Not To Shave A Lady

So. I have taken a new lover. Mum's the word on it, completely, so don't try to pry any information out of me. Okay you guys, I'm so giddy because for the first time EVER I'm having my ivories tickled by a Democrat.

That's all I'm going to give you for now.

Him, however? I'm giving him more. Which means there's a certain amount of tidying up to be done. You know how, when you have friends over, you do crazy things like vacuum and lint off all the dog hair from the couch and spray Febreze on the pile of shoes by the front door?

I'm trying to do the equivalent for my latest inamorato. Because let's be real: mama ain't had company in a while. I might have asked him if he had cobwebs stuck in his hair after our first tryst. Why am I perpetually single, I wonder?

Back in the day, like, waaaay back in the days of eHarmony and free weekends and a waistline, I tended to my nethers like a proper lady. I had the whole thing waxed, from stem to stern (or is it stern to stem? Isn't there something about a little man in a boat, and sharks and tuna? What is it with nautical references and female anatomy? I'm so lost). It was smooth and hairless. Like a newborn gerbil. Sexy, I'm sure.

That was back in the day. Here we are in 2015 and things have changed. I've gone from a pink baby rodent to something much different. Something less innocent. Years have passed, things have happened. I've become lazy in the maintenance area of my...err...area.

But I'm nothing if not a gracious hostess. I don't know how long or how often this lovah will come a calling, but dammit, I want to be nice. Welcoming. More tended garden and less haunted forest.

So I had a thought. This thought occurred to me in the shower, and after two glasses of wine (OMG the kids start school soon and I'm hanging on by my short man-like fingernails, people). I'm in the shower, shaving my legs and I thought, "Hmmm. I wonder if I should try shaving my crotch?" Because isn't that the way it is when you're showering late at night with a little buzz? Hey let's shave stuff!

Several of my friends do it. Two of my very closest friends are huge proponents of the Kojak look. They talk about it as if it's nothing, as if sliding a lethal razor blade over the VERY intricate landscape that is a woman's outer genitalia is like shaving a bowling ball.

Bolstered by the wine and the smell of the shaving cream, and the fresh memory of intimacy that didn't involve batteries and carpal tunnel syndrome, I decided to go for it. How hard can it be?

Sweet Jesus. I should have known better. I should have remembered what it was like changing my daughter's diaper when she was a red wrinkly newborn. I couldn't get over how many folds and crevices and tiny dungeons and hidden passages a miniscule baby vulva/vagina contained. You actually needed a miner's helmet. Or a flashlight. And that was a brand new V, fresh out of the oven. Mine has been on this planet for almost half a century. It's seen a lot of life, literally: four of them were created in there. I am not from the whole "take a hand-held mirror and explore" generation but I'm guessing the nooks and crannies are still plentiful. I might be picturing Prune Face from Dick Tracy. Sorry.

The first swipe of the razor wasn't so bad. But then I met with some resistance. I plowed ahead, pulling things taut and trying to remember if it was "go with" or "go against" the grain. Which way does my grain go, anyway? DO I HAVE A GRAIN?

Things were getting steamy and not in a good way. Panic started setting in. How far back do you go? Was I getting it all or was I leaving some freakshow haphazard pattern in my wine-addled wake?

And then, I cut something. Like a lawnmower gliding blithely over an unseen garden hose, I nicked a nubbin. Was it an essential nubbin? I guess I'll find out, eventually. But regardless, that was the end of my impromptu barbershop experiment. RAZOR DOWN, HANDS UP, SWEENEY TODD!

There was blood. There was sadness. There was almost instantaneous regret. And there was itching.

I didn't finish the job because I was afraid of inflicting permanent damage. I don't know how my friends do this without the aid of mirrors and stirrups. Is there a trick? A secret? Maybe it involves using a razor that isn't a year old. Maybe it requires the use of something other than Neutrogena for Men shaving gel. Maybe it requires sanity.

I don't know. All I know is, I was going for sleek and smooth and velvety, and instead I got Bert from Sesame Street, complete with the unibrow.

I'm sorry, lovah. But if you're a fan of muppets, we may be onto something here.

Itchily yours,



  1. Oh that made me chuckle!
    I am totally lazy too-I think I made an effort for the first couple of trysts since my seperation...but really, who has that kind of time?

    1. Love this post! Made me laugh and, in case you didn't know, the slang for shaved VJ is "Hardwood Floors" and the slang for your, as you say, "haunted forest" is Carpeting.

      After 40 years with one man (36 of those married) I also found myself doing some on-line dating. When one guy asked me if I had hardwood floors or carpeting, I actually thought he was asking about my decorating ideas! lol

      As soon as I was aware of those words, I noticed it being used on SNL and a few other shows.

  2. HA!
    I am not the good friend who's a fan of the Kojak look.

  3. Very funny! On a slightly more serious note, if you like to tidy things up for yourself and it makes YOU feel good and more comfortable, great! Shave on! However, if you feel societal (or partner) pressure to make yourself look like sanitized version of a woman because there is an expectation that women grow little to no hair on their genitalia, then I'd gently suggest considering your motivations on this one. If you're OK with it in a more natural state, you might be pleasantly surprised by the acceptance from your partner. Once it grows back, that is. :)

  4. This sounds like those late-night decisions to trim one's own bangs, with the same unfortunate results (although, granted, less pain). I trim down there, but I don't shave. I can't imagine the itching when it grows back in! Also, I would be suspicious of any guy who wants me to look pre-pubescent.

  5. If you insist on shaving, trim first. But - I'm a fan of Hubby's beard trimmer. Takes it down a bit, but you still look like you went thru puberty. Safer too.

    1. For God's sake, does he know?

    2. OMG - you made me pee my pants!! I just read this to my hubby & he's rolling, too!!

    3. I use my husbands beard trimmer too ;).

    4. Personally, I prefer corn rows

    5. I hate when people say they spit stuff out from spontaneous laughter but swear to God it happened with this reply. Thank you.

    6. Ha! Corn rows! Field of dreams! Where you plant your seeds!

  6. hi, i like your blog. i am your age and a long time fan of the kojak look, because it feels clean and lets me feel everything when i am with someone. it's as natural to me as shaving my legs, but yes, it can be treacherous. i was touched by your honest and hilarious post. i find that taking a hot bath is a good way to prepare, it seems to make it easier. then as you drain the water, do all your shaving. then rinse off in the shower, and take a hot washcloth, no soap, and scrub all your freshly shaven skin, legs, pits and "area." you won't believe how smooth your skin will be, and no razor bumps or ingrown hairs. congrats and thank you for sharing.

  7. OK, here's how you test New Dude's sense of humor: Draw a pic of Bert's facial features upside down right about your bikini line, and see what he does next time he sees you in the buff. LOL! Erm....I am probably the only one laughing at that, right? :) Sorry, I'm a bit warped like that (if you didn't know). Seriously, Jenny, sorry but I got nothing as far as helpful suggestions. I CAN'T mow the ladygarden because even if I just trim around the edges (which I definitely have to for swimsuit season), I can't tolerate the itching when it grows back. (Good thing my guy doesn't mind the foliage!) But congrats on New Dude...just hope he treats you WELL!

  8. Yeah., I used to shave when no-one did it. Now, shaving is just not on the table--- stopped shaving, stopped getting yeast infections. The guy who say, "ew," to a clean, well-maintained bush, I place on the same shelf as the teenybopper who squeals, "Oh, I could never kiss a guy with a _beard_. Gross!"--- in time, she will understand how kissing works... you don't kiss the parts that have hair!

  9. Trim... only trim. *shudder* I feel pain for you. And oh my God the itching...

  10. Oh dear Lord, did I laugh. I'm sorry but I couldn't help myself. Thanks for making me scare the cat (and that's not a euphemism.)

  11. Bahaha, you crack me up - I must confess to have had similar experiences, but here is how I do it now (when I could be bothered):
    Forget the shower. To difficult to get into position and I'm always afraid I'll slip and be found unconscious under cold running water with a half-landscaped garden. Instead, I sit on my bed on top of an old towel. If you haven't done it for a long time, trim first. Then use either hair conditioner, or coconut oil (I can't stand the smell of shaving cream, and also, it irritates). When you're on your bed you can move into whatever contortions you need to to make sure there is no nook or cranny neglected. Keep a mirror with you if it helps.


    Enjoy the new flame, you lucky thing! :)


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...