9/10/14

Dumb Stuff I Did

Just in case you're feeling low, feeling like you need to know there's someone out there who does things...really dumb things: this post is for you. It's like a public service announcement from me to the world. I started out writing a "Oh, hey, so this is what I've been up to" kind of post and then realized that I have been walking around doing dumb things. Thinking dumb things. Buying dumb things. And I wondered to myself, "Self? Am I the only one who does this shit? Or do other people do things just as spectacularly dumb only they don't talk about it?". Self was too busy lighting a candle to reply (you'll understand the candle reference in a sec).

You ready for the dumb (and dumber) things? Here we go:

I bought a pregnancy test at Walgreens. You might recall that I am suddenly period-less. And my brain is having a hell of a time accepting it. So naturally, I began to think, "Hmm. Maybe somehow I'm pregnant." Yes, it was a lucid thought, and it came to me while I was completely awake and sober. But guys, buying the pregnancy test, while surely a sign that I'm losing my mind, that wasn't the worst part. (one might argue that me actually taking the test when I got home was the worst part, and that might be a winning argument). For me, the worst part was that I had a story made up just in case the cashier questioned me. Actually, there are so many "worsts" in this story I will give up trying to decide which one is Queen of Them All.

I'm 47, I am pretty much celibate and I took a pregnancy test. I had a story about a fictional niece ready to go if the cashier looked at the test, and then at me, and blurted out, "Okay, the Starburst and the Frizz-Ease Hair Spray I understand. But seriously...a pregnancy test? Come on, Grandma Moses. I don't even know you and I can tell you with 100% certainty that there ain't no bun in that oven."

Oh, and because I don't want to leave you all hanging? IT WAS NEGATIVE.

Another dumb thing I did: I bought yet another candle with the word "Linen" on the label. People think I'm fairly intelligent but there's a slight chance that I was hypnotized at one point in my past and the hypnotist implanted into me the inability to walk past a candle that is labeled "Linen" and not buy it. It doesn't matter what other words are on it. It could probably say "Dog Turd Wrapped in Clean Linen" and I'd pick it up. Later, as it burned merrily away on the mantel, I'd sniff the air and say, "Kids? Did the dog crap in the house?". But I'd also catch the crisp, clean undertones of fresh linens so there's that.

Here's another dumb move: I signed another two years of my life away with AT&T. And I went back to iPhone. In my defense, I'd been dealing with this phone for a year:

I didn't slam this one down, I swear! 


Since the new iPhone is coming out, the old ones are dirt cheap. Did you know you can buy phones and get it all set up with most carriers at Target? You can. Add in a gift card and the extra 5% off when using the Target RedCard and BOOM mama gots herself a new talkie device. Now all I need is for the Targets in Minneapolis to start selling booze and I'm pretty much done shopping anywhere else, ever.

An added bonus was that somehow my entire iTunes library, which had disappeared, came back to me on the phone. I am awash in memories and music again. P.S. When did I love Maroon 5 so much?

Another really dumb thing I did might end up being kind of smart. I'm really behind on my blog reading. It's been a cuckoo two weeks! Moving Molly into her dorm, Charlie moving out into a house with his friends (oh yes you read that right. I AM DOWN TO TWO KIDS!!!), getting the other two yahoos ready for school and me starting a new job. It's been a whirlwind.

So anyways. A couple of weeks ago, I made myself a delicious gin and tonic and sat down to catch up on the blogs. I stumbled upon one of my favorites, Mommy Shorts, and saw that she was running a giveaway thing. Normally I can't be bothered with giveaways, because it's SO.MUCH.WORK. "Like so-and-so on Facebook" "Follow me and my grandma on Twitter" "Share this post twelveillion times" "Blog about it!". Sorry, I just want to win something and not have to move my fingers so damn much.

Well, yay for Mommy Shorts, because she made this one so easy. Just come up with a funny quip about what your house smells like, and which Method air freshener scent you'd like it to smell like instead. I'm always talking about how I smell like divorce, so naturally I wrote about that. She liked it, she really liked it! And now I'm in the running for a $1000 Target gift card. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY LINEN SCENTED CANDLES THAT WILL GET ME?

I'm way behind on there because I loathe posting reminders for people to vote. I don't care, really, because no matter what I win a $50 Target card and the whole line of air fresheners. #FreeStuffRules  However, if you feel like voting for all the divorcees in the house, go here and scroll down. I'm "Jenny and Middle-Aged Dating" and you have to vote down below all the pretty pictures. Here's mine:

Nobody has to know that by "dating" I mean "spooning with a body pillow"

I know there are several more dumb things I've done, but my fingers are now exhausted. Plus, I have to get back to work. Here's to being employed, right?

Dumbly yours,

Jenny

P.S. Please tell me your dumb stuff.


30 comments:

  1. Heading over to vote, but first...NEW JOB? Did you get a new job? Did you post about it and I missed it?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, new job! Actually I call it my Frankenstein job because it's made up of many parts. But I'm working, and that's all that matters. I haven't posted about it yet, but you know I will.

      Thanks for the vote, SC!

      Delete
  2. This was just an awesome post today! Light and airy :>

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    Replies
    1. Light and airy. like my brain, ha! Thanks for reading, Ellie :)

      Delete
  3. You made me snort with laughter, so I voted for you :)

    My dumb thing lately was driving 4 hours in heavy traffic to go to a bead and jewelry show only to find out that I had the wrong weekend. At least I had a good audiobook.

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    Replies
    1. OMG. Please say it was a two hour drive there, and not four?? Praise the audiobooks, right? They have saved me many times.

      Thanks for reading, Abby!

      Delete
  4. Yeah, I' ve broken down and bought a pregnancy test once or twice - even though I KNEW it would have been an Immaculate Conception. And surprise surprise it was always negative.

    I do so many dumb things - but currently, can't think of a single example.

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    Replies
    1. The awful part of this pregnancy test was that somewhere inside of me there was a little whackadoo hopefulness. I might need help.

      Thank you for reading, Gigi!

      Delete
  5. I walked around for half of today with toothpaste on my shirt just above my boob (which should explain why no one told me). I also thoroughly confused a coworker since I don't know what month it is.

    Love your blog, and I voted for you!!

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    Replies
    1. Whenever I leave the house with toothpaste dripped on myself, I figure, at least people know I brushed. Gah. Do you ever look in the mirror around lunchtime and notice that you have a ring of toothpaste around your mouth? That's happened to me too. My friends are not helpful in that area. I'd totally point it out to someone!!

      Ha about the month. I feel ya there!

      Thanks for reading, and for the vote, and for the nice words.

      Delete
  6. Booze at Target! Did a huge snort-laugh on that one! Hmmm...stupid...do you mean like taking a bite of a brownie and then throwing it away...and then fishing it out of the trash because one-bite-of-a-brownie-is-just-not-enough kind of stupid? And the only reason why that might be considered stupid is because, who in their right mind throws away a partially-eaten, perfectly delectable brownie? Okay, just to be straight with you, the brownie was wrapped in plastic wrap and there wasn't really too much garbage in the trash can. But after 3 knee surgeries and a divorce in the past few years, I have gained about 20 pounds and the last thing I need to be doing is digging dessert out of the trash! Kinda sounds depressing...so on that note, I think I will go pour myself a glass of wine!

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    Replies
    1. Is it wrong that I wish for that? LOL! And oh the brownie. I have dug something out of the trash, too. Because just like you, I will have some delicious treat, take a bite and then instantly hate myself for eating it. But twenty minutes later, there I am, dumpster diving in the kitchen. Sigh.

      Cheers, Michelle! Thanks for reading :)

      Delete
  7. Well, some Targets do have wine. Does that count as booze? :-) I am a long time reader, first time commenter, I think. I am so happy you found a new job. I was praying for it. Hope you'll share some of the deets with us. And I hope you win that $1K card. Everyone loves a good Target shopping spree, am I right?

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    Replies
    1. Oh Tiffany, thank you! And here in Minnesota, there is NO liquor allowed anywhere but actual liquor stores. And the liquor stores are not open on Sunday, if you can believe that. It's like Puritanical Land here, I just don't get it.

      Thanks so much for your prayers, I am 100% sure they helped! I will write alllll about it soon. It's at the school I've been with for 9 years so it's a really good thing.

      THANK YOU :)

      Delete
  8. I don't often laugh out loud at things I am reading, but you always manage to earn a laugh from me!

    I voted. It's close, you are within half a point from the person in the lead. Go ahead and vote, it's fast and easy!

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  9. I grated " cheese" on my son's tortilla, noting its extra soft texture didn't stop me from cooking it only to realize I made him a butter quesadilla.

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    Replies
    1. Sprinkle some cinnamon on that sucker and I'd inhale it ;)

      Thanks for reading, Jessica!!

      Delete
  10. I'm 44, on my second marriage with 2 teenagers from the first, and am on the pill...but I've been contemplating buying a pregnancy test to explain my recent fatigue and weight gain (which is mostly in my boobs). The cat and I both got blood drawn to check our thyroid function yesterday and I'm actually hoping that I have low thyroid and not her. Who has time to give a cat thyroid meds everyday? Love your blog, good luck at the new job.

    PS. This is my second attempt at posting this comment, so if it shows up twice then chalk it up as my dumb thing!

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  11. I'm almost exactly a month older than you, and I still think about what it would be like to be pregnant and having a baby now. EVEN THOUGH I had a hysterectomy 7 years ago. And already have 4 kids.

    I voted :)

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  12. My dumb thing was last night where I made a pizza where you need to first pre-bake the dough a bit before adding toppings. I stuck it in the oven for 5 minutes, but when it came out nothing had changed. I wondered at it until I realized I had neglected to actually turn the oven ON. Did that, waited for it to heat up, stuck it in for five minutes...and then when it was done, went to reach in to pull the pizza pan out with my BARE HANDS (because I'd been able to put it in again with bare hands?? I don't know??). So, I have a neat new burn on the finger that got the worst of it. I can only say that I was tired from a two-year-old that still thinks sleeping through the night is this optional fantasy that never has to be achieved.

    Some of your competition made me genuinely laugh out loud, but it's mostly because they spoke to the place I currently am in life (toddler, farting husband, and power struggles over dishes). But, I liked yours for its wit, so I voted for you. I have to admit, I'm a little shocked by the one that's currently winning, as it wasn't in my top 5. But, this is a case where popularity plays a factor.

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  13. Hi Jenny, I couldn't figure out how to post a comment yesterday, so I sent you a long email with my thoughts. As you are behind in your blog reading, probably the last thing you need is a long email to read. What my comments all boil down to are: dumb may only seem dumb in the moment, but not in retrospect. Many of us mourn the loss of our childbearing years, and can't quite believe THIS IS IT when menopause arrives. And many of us repeatedly do things we don't understand...like buy linen scented candles or hate ourselves for signing up for classes that may seem over our heads...which I go into in my long email. I wonder what linen scented candles represent for you. What emotion or event is attached?

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  14. Not so long ago I pulled into a gas station to get gas -- but pulled in on the wrong side, duh. Then I drove to the other side, parked, and wait....again, the wrong side. Tried again..yep, wrong side again. At this point, I noticed an older guy watching me, eyebrows raised. I told him, "if you can believe it, I have a PhD."

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  15. Oh I hope Anonymous comes back. I have one life tip that makes me sound smart. It is really my brother's tip but here it is. When you are driving look down at the little gas pump symbol on your dash. There is an arrow next to it that tells you what side of the car the fill is on. Easier than trying to get it right as you drive around.
    That was my smart thing. Here is the reality of me. DH had helped me remove all the grass from the section next to the road so I could replace it with this slow grow stuff. I was racking the seeds into the ground when a nice couple came by. They nodded, but looked a little longer than I was comfortable. Instantly the fact that I appeared to be raking a patch of dirt became apparent to me. I shouted "There is grass seed. I am not as crazy as this looks." There seems to be a saying that applies. Something about opening ones mouth and leaving no doubt.

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  16. Jenny I went through the same thing about 3 years ago, I went a full 6 months without my monthly friend and was in a state of panic, then I started thinking it might be nice to have another kid.....T'was not meant to be, I was just getting old!! I'm going to vote for you now, hope you win the gift card!

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  17. Hi Jenny! Found you through the Mommy Shorts contest (I was the shameless promoter), and I LOVE your blog! What an awesome bonus prize to result from entering the contest. Also, wonderful to find a fellow U of M alumni in the blogging world. Cheers, can't wait to read more!

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  18. Okay, so now I feel like a total moron because I'm realizing the U of M Alumni Association ad I saw on your blog was an AdSense blog. This may actually be very telling of how much I actually did or did not pay attention during my college years. Uggggghhhhhhh. Sorry for clogging up your comments with so much dumb.

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  19. I began unloading my groceries into a car that wasn't mine. I only realized it when it occurred to me that I do not own a camo duffle bag, one of which was sitting in the back end. In fairness to me, I drive a Subaru Forrester, which is like the unofficial car of the state of Maine. Every parking lot has a minimum of 50 at any given time.

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  20. I forgot to rub in my stick blush and then went to Bible study with about 80 women. Thankfully someone graciously told me to rub it in.

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  21. Catching up on the blog. Congratulations on the new job; that's huge! I'm Frankensteining many jobs together as well, but sadly not all at the same location. So driving everywhere is a thing for me now. Thought you should know about this. Laundromat. It's uncanny how accurate it is. Don't know about Funeral Home, though.

    http://www.demeterfragrance.com/60930/708541/Top--30-Scents/Laundromat.html


    -A

    ReplyDelete

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