3/23/14

Ain't No Clean Like A Rage Clean



My friend plopped down on the seat next to me at the restaurant. We were out for a rare Saturday fun-day, and OMG did we both need it.

She took a sip of her Bloody Mary, passed me her olives and began to gab.

"Everyone was pissing me off today. I woke up mad, and it only got worse."

I speared her discarded olives and plopped them into my dirty martini, took a swig and smiled. "I know exactly how that feels. Some days it's like that's their job, right? 'Let's make mom insane'. What did you do about it?"

She smiled, the crafty smile of a mom who is enjoying an afternoon of freedom, a good cocktail and the companionship of a friend. And then she said:

"I cleaned. I started in the kitchen and I cleaned the shit out of that house. And then I called you."

I laughed, dipped a french fry in some ketchup and took a bite.

"Ahhh...yes. The Rage Clean. I know it all too well."

If you know me at all, you know I avoid cleaning as often as possible. I do it, but not with much enthusiasm and usually right before I have friends over. My kids, of course, have followed suit. I know, I know, I have been a poor role model for them, I should enforce a cleaning schedule and assign them specific cleaning tasks. But I haven't. I coddled them like injured birds after the divorce, and hooo boy has that come back to bite me in the ass. Bite me in the ass AND leave dirty dishes in the living room. That's not the focus of today's discussion, though. We're talking about a very specific kind of cleaning, one that's different from your run-of-the-mill housekeeping.

THE RAGE CLEAN. Cleaning when angry. As I stated above, I loathe cleaning. But there's something about being mad that gets me all hot and bothered. As my temper flares, messes that need conquering almost glow with a heavenly aura in front of me. The dishwasher gets emptied with loud purposefulness. Dust is sprayed and wiped with forceful intent. Shoes are deposited by the front door with angry aplomb. Baseboards are scrubbed, the Swiffer gets abused and my God the toilets...those mother effers GLEAM when Angry Jenny is done with them.

And the wonder of it all is, that when I'm done cleaning, I'm also done being mad. Win/win.

And yes, I can hear some of you whispering, "You should get mad more often, Jenny!" 

Unfortunately (or is it fortunately?) I don't get mad a lot. Maybe I should keep a pile of things that need dusting or folding in the car, because that tends to be the place I rage most often.

But back to the restaurant, the moms and the cocktails. We cackled mightily about the phenom known as Rage Cleaning. We shared what sets us off most often (for both of us: the kids not helping as much as they should and coming home to a messy house after a long, tiring day of work. For her: her husband not helping as much as he should). We wondered if we were alone in our Rage Cleaning...and then two of our friends showed up.

The first friend was another mom, and YES BY GOD she knew all about the angry cleaning. She regaled us with tales of her terrified children running ahead of her, picking up toys and clothes and oh the humanity, the SOCKS. Seems that the socks are the trigger for her. And I understand that one. I find socks everywhere: balled up in the couch, shoved under the vanity in the bathroom, lounging very casually on the stairs leading down to the mancave. Very rarely do I find them in pairs. Yes, socks are rage inducers.

Our second friend, though...surprised us.

He is young. Like, in his 20's young. And single.

Here's the kicker: he not only knew all about Rage Cleaning...he had JUST DONE SOME THAT MORNING. He told us about his roommates and their utter inability to clean up after themselves. And so, he Rage Cleaned the kitchen in his apartment.

Rage Cleaning transcends genders, and age and marital status. It affects married people, divorced people, single people.

It even happens in the movies! I watched "American Hustle" the other night, and this scene made me laugh out loud. I thought about my rage cleaning homies and reminded myself to crank some 70's tunes during my next episode of angry dusting:


JLaw rocked those yellow rubber gloves, yes?

How about you? Have you ever Rage Cleaned? Please share your stories. It helps to know we're not alone.








24 comments:

  1. Ah, yes..The Rage Clean. I had a particularly gnarly fight with my best friend a few weeks ago and the junk drawers and computer desk fell victim. Bah Gawd, my kitchen drawers are barren and the relationship has been much improved since.

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    Replies
    1. Love, love, love this. You've made me wish for a rage so I can tackle some drawers.

      Thanks so much for reading!

      Delete
  2. I was wondering when this post would show up since that lovely afternoon!
    I loved that you had already coined the term "rage cleaning" when I was trying to describe my morning to you.
    It's perfection.
    PS. Tomorrow starts spring break and Mama has worked her ass off all week waiting on other people. Those effers better be afraid of me tomorrow. I feel a rage clean coming on.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OMG. So your spring break is almost over...and you've survived. But did the kids?

      Our spring break is next week. And I'll be working the.whole.week. While the children are home.

      Imma going to need a few nights out next week fo sho.

      Delete
  3. When I rage-clean, it tends to be a small specific space that I can dominate and control. One time, it was the fridge, another under the kitchen sink. I want total and complete domination and the whole house just can't be managed.

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    1. Like Missy, I am. Under the kitchen sink is so perfect for rage cleaning. A slight variation on RC is what I call the Waiting Clean. You do it in those times when a situation doesn't necessarily make you angry, but is, for the moment, one which you can do nothing further about until someone else acts. It's like RC in that it is cathartic and dispels the energy of helplessness. Now every timeI rage clean I will think of all my rage-cleaning sisters out there!

      Delete
    2. I hear you, ladies. And Missy, I am waiting until my kids are on Spring Break next week for the fridge-cleaning rage to set in. Almost excited for it, actually.

      Since I've started back on the Adderall, the rage cleans have become more concentrated, which is pretty cool.

      Becky I love the Waiting Clean, and have also experienced it.

      I absolutely love that I have rage-cleaning sisters all over the country.

      Delete
  4. Organizing children's closets can ONLY be done while in Rage Clean Mode.

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    1. Or else in drunk mode. I can't even attempt that one anymore. The organizing children's closets, I mean. Gah.

      Delete
  5. I wish I rage-cleaned! Though, like you, I rarely get that mad. But it would be awesome if, say, every time a child here did something slightly irritating I scrubbed some surface or did more laundry. I am the type of mom who cleans when company is coming, and therefore I try to invite people over with some regularity so that the house doesn't descend into a major pit.

    I'm more of a rage exerciser. If I'm angry and it's not 20 below, I'm going to put my running shoes on and jog faster than I did any other day in the past few months. I'd be skinny if I got angry more often.

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    1. GIRL! I just rejoined the YMCA because my rage has been out of this world. I did a great job of going last week but this week has sucked.

      And this reminds me, I should have a party soon. The house really needs it.

      Thanks for reading!

      Delete
  6. I rage clean like nobody's business. I swear, I am more efficient, more focused, and more precise when I am cleaning because I'm angry than any other time. And I mean ANY other time, even times when I am desperately trying to clean to impress someone. I do NOT enjoy doing it though. I don't being angry, and I don't like cleaning. It's just the only thing I have left in my life as a mom and wife that I can do when I'm upset to express my anger without actually doing anything violent. I have to be REALLY upset and angry though. Not just annoyed at something little. A fight about chores, or discovering that my husband didn't do something important that I asked him over and over to please make sure happened (e.g. from this past two weeks: I asked him to please get the car an appointment for a full work up so we could go visit my sister 300 miles away, and he didn't, so we couldn't go, after having to already miss out on three birthdays of my nieces and nephew). My kitchen and living room GLEAMED. And I don't even have anything shiny. ;)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Athena, YES. My rage cleaning is like superhuman cleaning. And another YES, you nailed it sister:

      "I don't being angry, and I don't like cleaning. It's just the only thing I have left in my life as a mom and wife that I can do when I'm upset to express my anger without actually doing anything violent. "

      I love that sentence because it's so very true.

      I'm sorry you didn't get to see your sister :(

      Thank you for reading!

      Delete
  7. I actually have some sort of an aversion to rage cleaning! You see, my mom rage cleans. And she is in a rage A LOT. Growing up, the sound of the vacuum cleaner first thing in the morning made me pull the covers back over my head and hide because I knew I'd be getting yelled at all day long for every little thing! This is probably why my house is such a mess now. Although I actually do like cleaning, when I give it a chance!

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    1. Ugh. I'm sorry Angel, those kinds of memories suck. And yay for actually liking the cleaning when you get around to it ;) If I can catch myself at the right time, I can kind of enjoy the cleaning, too. Music helps.

      Thanks for reading!

      Delete
  8. Don't worry - I DID enforce cleaning routines, etc., and the kids still leave all their stuff around and are shocked - SHOCKED - that they have to do the dishes. It's hopeless - they are sent here to test us, is all.

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    1. Yay for this! It's good to know my shoddy parenting isn't entirely to blame ;)

      If the kids are testing us, when are finals????? And is there tutoring available?

      Delete
  9. I am a rage dish washer. The rest of the house gets cleaned top to bottom once a week but those dishes pile up seemingly all by themselves every single day and seem to bother no-one in the house but me. They all scatter when they hear me rapidly slinging dishes from the dishwasher to cabinets and they know they are in BIG TROUBLE. :D

    ReplyDelete
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    1. OMG the dishes. AND YES. Are they invisible to everyone but us?? Do you mutter while you empty the dishwasher? I do.

      Your comment made me laugh and also made me feel kind of normal. Thank you.

      Delete
  10. Nothing gets tile grout clean like rage! I really haven't found a way to get them white unless I'm really pissed off.

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  11. My 3 year old starting angry cleaning his room today. I immediately thought of you! It was hilarious. "IMA PICKING THIS UP AND THEN IMA BRUSHING MAH TEETH MAHSELF" All while stomping around his room and slinging toys into bins.

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  12. One night when I was rage cleaning the kitchen, my husband came down to see what was up.
    "Are you mad."
    (Gritted teeth): "I'm fine."
    Pause, as he watches me slam a pot into the cabinet. "You know, you should start a cleaning service. You could call it Crazy Lady Cleaning. You don't know when they'll show up, but when they do, they'll clean the sh** out of your house."

    ReplyDelete

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