Six Signs That You Are Middle Aged

I'm going to be 47 in eight weeks. That's close to 50. Sometimes I forget that I'm no longer considered "young", except by really old people. In the eyes of society-at-large, I'm middle aged. It's easy to ignore the fact that time does indeed march on...but like Ace of Base, I saw the signs. And here they are:

Sign #1:  You find yourself entrenched in potty-training mode again...only this time the training is for YOU. You remind yourself to use the bathroom before you leave the house. Sometimes you can't remember if you've relieved yourself recently (like within the past 10 minutes), so you shrug, and try to go "one last time".  Oh, and that faint odor of human urine? It's not a Pull-Up this time, honey.

Sign #2: You are growing a mysterious and unsightly roll of back fat. You seriously consider buying one of those bras that looks like a Kevlar vest. 

Yeah baby!
Only they need to expand this Kevlar bra, so that it covers the entire area from the top of your armpits to the waist. Because this mysterious and unsightly roll of fat is like hot-effing-lava...if it runs into an obstacle it simply oozes around it. For a while I thought I had some weird glandular issue, then I realized that my back fat was just being pushed up and through my armpits.  Yes, in case you were wondering, IT'S SEXY.

Sign #3: When you watch an awards show or page through a gossip magazine, there are only six people you recognize: George Clooney, Oprah, Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston, Johnny Depp and Louis CK (okay maybe that last one is just me). The rest all look vaguely familiar but you can't place them. 

Have you met my pretend boyfriend?
When you look at Jennifer Aniston, you think, "I should really start doing yoga." You'll go online to find local yoga classes but end up watching videos of twin pandas being born and accidentally wake up the whole house because apparently twin pandas are loud little effers.

Sign #4: Next year, The Cosby Show will celebrate its 30th anniversary. Rudy is 34. If you remember settling down on the couch on Thursday nights and sighing over how cute she was, you are middle aged. 

Sign #5: You have taken an interest in bird watching. Not just noticing our fine feathered friends in their natural habitat, but YOU WATCH BIRDS. On purpose. You have even thought about buying a pair of binoculars and a bird-watching book. Seriously. This just happened, en masse, to me and a few of my lady-friends last night. We were out on my friend Kathryn's deck, gabbing about tattoos and mean little kids and the wine at Trader Joe's when one of us exclaimed, "OMG! Look at the bright yellow bird!". We then had a discussion about birds and their habits. Then there was a moment of awkward silence and we quickly changed the subject to which guy from "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" we'd sleep with. I chose Mac. Fat Mac, specifically. We may be old but we still watch cool shows, people.

Sign #6: You think, "Geeze that guy at Office Max was kind of flirty! I STILL GOT IT!" and then you remember that your 17 year old daughter is with you. Boom. If it's any consolation, the 70 year old Ed Asner look-alike who asked if you knew which aisle the ballpoint pens were in? He was totally flirting with you. 

And a bonus sign that you are middle aged: You will read this post and think of funny things you'd add but by the time you get back from the bathroom you will have forgotten them. 

But, I'm pretty sure that's a Pileated Woodpecker in your backyard!!! You'd better take a picture of that bad boy and post it on the facebook. Your friends will love it.


  1. I'd comment, but I have to run to the bathroom.

  2. So funny! Especially the flirting part.

    However, I'd have to say that Fat Mac doesn't do it for me. Dennis is the best-looking but I think Charlie would be the most entertaining in bed. Oh hell, I'd even sleep with Sweet Dee.

    1. We discussed Charlie! However, he's only 5'5". That's like an inch taller than my stumpy self. Too short. I agree about Sweet Dee, however. Lovely and angular, she is.

  3. Now I'm depressed. and I have to pee.

    1. Three stages of a middle aged lady's day:

      1. I just peed.
      2. I have to pee.
      3. Crap. Too late.

  4. Also... what is up with my periods? I never know what to expect, or when...

    1. WESLEY! Were you spying on us last night? BECAUSE WE TOTALLY discussed periods!

      Crime scene bathrooms, super giant tampons and pads, two days a month when you aren't either cramping, bleeding or so hormonal that you want to murder people for just breathing.

      I love getting old! But it beats the alternative, right?

      Love you Wes.

    2. Mine have gotten, well, "interesting" for the last 8 years too, ladies. Used to be every 28-29 days like clockwork, now my cycles are only 3 weeks sometimes -- but I haven't yet figured out WHEN my period's planning to show up early, or why. Never am sure how long it's going to last either. I'd say we should all buy stock in Kotex but I'm a little bit mad at them right now for not sponsoring Jenny to go to BlogHer, so screw that. Ha!

  5. I'm at the tail end of a 4th year volunteering for the Audubon Society as a bluebird monitor in Mpls. The boxes I monitor are on the Kenilworth Trail.

    1. Gail, seriously, you're one of the monitors of those bluebird houses?? That is AWESOME! We see the birds often when we're on the trails...we'll think of you next time! Ladies, bird watching is not just for the middle-aged-and-better crowd -- the hubby and I've been doing it for a long time now.

  6. oh my gawd, my side hurts from laughing SO hard. That's one big ass bra that lady's got on. And the last part about thinking the dude's hitting on you but then you remember your daughters with you...hil-a-ri-ous!

  7. I'm just a bit younger than you, Jenny (I will be 38 next week). Last week I posted this on Facebook:

    Good: I got hit on today
    Bad: the gentleman was 70 years old if he was a day
    Worse: this occurred while in line at Costco, and I happened to see a large package of Depends in his cart

    I guess I've still got it if the geriatric, diaper wearing set is hot for me. Do I qualify as middle aged??

    1. I remember one time, a few years back, when a gray Sam Waterston looking fella gave me the "look" at Costco. And I totally looked back. Granted, we were in the liquor store, and there were no Depends in his cart. But still.

      And girl, you are a BABY. We are a decade apart! I could have almost babysat you. No, you are still able to claim just "adult". Not middle aged yet.

      Thanks for reading :)


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