It's Fourth of July, aka Independence Day....time to eat a lot of food and sit out in the sun with a full belly, sweating and trying desperately to ignore the constant trickle of sweat that is meandering down the valley in your backside created by your big butt being crammed into a too-small lawnchair. Or maybe that's just me? No matter. Whatever you're doing today, be it boating or grilling or just staying inside where the air conditioning is plentiful, please stop and take a moment or two to give thanks to those who have ensured that we have independence to celebrate. Lots of lives were lost in the pursuit of, and the ongoing assurance of, this freedom. And right now, all around this big beautiful world, are men and women who continue to keep us safe and free.
But now, back to the bitching about the heat.
I've held it together thus far, even with temperatures going over 100 degrees and the fact that the Grown Up Little Tykes car I drive DOES NOT HAVE FUNCTIONING A/C. Yes, I was yelling. I could take it in, and have it fixed, I suppose, but being that it's summer and I'm settling in for an interesting child support battle (yawn, right?) I've decided that the few hundred dollars it would cost could be better spent on other things. Like my electricity bill, and feeding my kids. Whenever it gets bad, like the other day when I waddled into Office Max and it slowly dawned on me that I had visible butt sweat marks on the seat of my faded yoga pants, I just mutter to myself, "This is a First World Problem...." and then I go home and read about something like the Rwanda genocides. That's when I realize that driving around in a hot car isn't such a huge pain.
And yes, I have now referenced butt sweat twice. Sorry. Just be thankful I'm not describing what I find in my cleavage after a day of driving and sweating. Because that's a whole 'nother realm of awfulness.
I've been lazy with posting, I blame myself and to some extent, my kids. We are down to one functioning computer in my house and that happens to be my old pink Dell. I've tried blogging from my phone but since that stupid Swype keyboard has a habit of changing seemingly innocent words like "party" into "pussy", and cannot recognize the words "last" (which invariably becomes LSAT, because yeah I reference law school so much) and "Hey" into "Get", I stopped trying almost immediately. So, I've been fighting for screen time with Henry, who likes to watch clips from NBA games on YouTube for hours at a time, and Charlie, who apparently likes to sit and refresh his facebook for hours at a time. William is an anomaly and is usually outside. Molly has her own laptop so I guess it could be worse. That's my excuse.
So here's the Ten:
1. I came home the other night and found my stainless steel martini shaker on the coffee table. It had some lemonade left in it. William walked in and said, "What? We were shaking our lemonade." I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I think I did a little bit of both.
2. Yes, I saw Magic Mike. And yes, I have something to say about it. Soon. After I can get the image of Matthew McConaughey's ass crack and swinging, thong-encased package out of my head. Because listen, I love me some MM but I don't need to see anybody's body from that angle. Bottom line (pun intended): I loved it. Go see it with some ladies, a big old group if you can. And try to block out the fact that, if you're my age, you could have easily birthed at least two of the strippers.
3. Obamacare? I'm going to admit my utter ignorance. I have no idea what it means. I just know that half of my facebook friends were all, "Yeah! Thank God!!" and the other half were all "This is the end." I figure I'm going to be somewhere in between those, if I ever figure out what it all means.
4. If we're friends on facebook you've already seen this but it made me laugh, so here is it again:
"I used to put kids in these little seats."
5. My friend Danielle doesn't know this yet, but my friend Gillian and I have decided to cast Louis C.K. as Danielle's husband Charlie in the Happy Hausfrau Movie. All we need now is to hear back from Louis. And a big fat reality check.
6. Please tell me I'm not the only one who manages to plump up during a heat wave? How is this even possible? It's hard to BREATHE, and yet I'm finding the strength to eat. I'm beginning to think it's time to make my videotape audition for "The Biggest Loser". Is that still on?
7. Aging is fun! Aging when you're part albino is even more fun. I have white, freckled skin (so sexy, don't I know it) and now I'm discovering what I first thought were syrup blotches on my arms and legs. Yes, I for reals thought I had blotches of syrup on my skin, even though I can't tell you the last time I ingested maple syrup. My kids do, though, and therefore I probably sit in syrup several times a day. But no, no dice. Not syrup. It's just weird old person skin. And yes, I did spend a nice chunk of time on WebMD looking at pictures of skin cancer. So far I'm just old, not cancerous. I am, however, regretting those years of slathering my shockingly white body with baby oil in a futile attempt to get tan.
8. Have I mentioned before that Big Daddy has an in-ground pool at his house? He does. And even though I'm pretty sure the only reason he bought a house with a pool was so the kids would want to go over there, and I think he's an asshat, I'm glad the kids have someplace cool to play. Even if it's only two of my kids, and it's only for 5 or so days a month. What makes me sad is that I'd be willing to bet he's spent more on that pool than he has on his kids (in both time and money). But, like I said, at least the kids have some place fun to splash for a few weeks in the summer. And I'm not bitter at ALL.
9. Some of my favorite people in this world are servers (or what we lay-people call waiters and waitresses). I have worn many hats, worked many a job, but have never ever been a server (unless you call throwing bags of peanuts and wrestling half-cans of pop from people in airplanes serving). I can guarantee you this: If I ever had to wait tables, I'd be fired within hours. Probably minutes. People can be a-holes, but put food in front of them, add some booze...the potential for douchebaggery is infinite. So I'd like to share with you one of my favorite "new" blogs (I use the ever-annoying quotation marks because I've read this blog before but now am a regular reader). It's called Bitchy Waiter and you can find it here. Be warned, Bitchy Waiter drops him some f-bombs, but you will most likely guffaw out loud. Especially if you've ever had to be nice to a stupid person.
10. THANK YOU for your post suggestions for my book-in-progress (so far it's a word document with about 40 words in it, ha). It's wild to see which posts people like, and I'm thrilled to the gills that anything I have written has had an impact on some pretty awesome folks (meaning YOU). I'll keep you updated on my progress, but I have to tell you, this is a daunting task. I used to picture myself sitting at a Starbucks, laptop open, fingers flying over the keyboard and a wry, all-knowing smile on my face as I typed out my Great American Novel. Never thought I'd be sitting on a dumpy Ikea couch, trying to ignore the dog scratching at the back door, the two kids wrestling under my feet and putting things like cleaning and personal hygiene on the way back burner. It's slow going but progress has been made.
Now I'm working on a title....any suggestions?
Ok people, I managed to invite myself and my brood to a little Fourth of July party, so it's time to take a shower...even though after five minutes in that little silver microwave I call a car, all showers are null and void. I guess it's the thought that counts.
Be safe, and have a fun Fourth. Cheers!