Ten on Tuesday Wednesday

Weak post title, I know! But I'm recovering from a little bug so you'll have to bear with me.  William and I went to see my friend's son play baseball last night, and in the middle of the game I was hit with a massive case of The Chills.  You know those awful, teeth-chattering, can't-get-warm chills?  Yuck.  Went home to find my Molly having a massive Hulk Smash meltdown because our freaking internet was down again (Comcast, get ready...I am on you like white on rice, bitches).  So as I'm wandering around the house, thermometer wedged in my armpit and every joint in my body aching, Molly is literally making the walls of the house shake with her rage.  Apparently I control the interweb at our house.  (I also know where your shoes are, but that's a story for another time)

So, teeth a-chatterin', I call my BFF and see if we can run over to borrow her internet.  No problem, she says, and I take Hulk over there, my upper lip sweating and my hips aching like I'm 90 years old.  So Molly finishes her project while my BFF and I play a game of Uno with her three angels.  And her angels were fighting and swearing and being all kid-like, which, strangely, made me feel better.  Props to her middle child for making me guffaw when he called his younger sister "Helen Keller".  That one has a great sense of humor. We also had a glass of wine (isn't it "drown a fever, starve a cold"??) which didn't make me feel any better but took the edge off.

I would be lost without my hens.  Seriously.  Every single day I make sure to say a little thanks to the gods that be for putting these lovelies in my life.

So let's get to the ten:

1.  Do you know the first rule of Single Parent Club?  It's that there IS no Single Parent Club.  Second rule is, YOU AIN'T GOT TIME TO BE SICK.  Seriously.  Last night reminded me of when I had pneumonia a few years back.  Big Daddy stood outside my front door, while I was hacking so hard it felt like my innards were going to pop out of my nether-regions, and said, "Well, let me know if you need anything."  And then proceeded to walk back to his car.  Without taking the kids.  That was the moment I knew I was truly on my own.

2.  Our school carnival was last Friday, and for the 5th year in a row I spent the entire night in the kitchen serving up corn dogs and hot dogs and walking tacos to the fine families that make up our student body.  And once again, found myself having to resist the urge to climb up over the counter and ram a corn dog up some bastard's butt.  Seriously...how big do your balls have to be in order for you to stand there, in front of parent volunteers serving up hot food, and bitch about how long it's taking for your vegan corn dog to cook?  Here's an idea, you pompous, entitled, Napoleon-complex riddled ass...next year YOU volunteer.  So I can show up and stare at you with thinly veiled contempt and fill my gaping pie-hole with popcorn and tell the rest of the "customers" in line how shitty the service is.  I know who you are...check yourself before you wreck yourself, short stuff.

3.  Saw The Avengers and once again left a movie theater questioning my sexuality.  Let's just say that if there is ever another lovah in my life, here's to hoping he doesn't freak out too bad when I pull out the kids' old "Hulk Hands" from a few Christmases ago.  Mark Ruffalo is a sexy Hulk.

4.  Remember Pinterest?  Me neither.  Or maybe it's just me.  Is it still really popular?  I just don't have the time to keep up (says the lady who has watched all 10 seasons of Friends, including the 45 minute gag reel, in the past four weeks).

5.  Being home sick, I've decided to watch some daytime t.v.  I stumbled upon "The View", which I had only known previously from little clips here and there on the internet.  Holy hell.  How are these shrieking banshees able to have their own show?  Am I the only one who actually had bleeding ears after listening to these harpies over-talk each other for ten minutes?  And then Barbara Walters, who I think is actually a pretty kick ass lady, sitting there like Aunt Edna propped up on Clark Griswold's station wagon...this was more than I could take.  I had to change the channel and amazingly found an episode of Law and Order to calm my nerves. /sarcasm. 

6.   How am I just now hearing about John Travolta and his penchant for masseurs?  Oh, that's right.  Because WHO CARES?  But still...really, John?  Ewww.  On the bright side, dude is a good tipper.

7.  I've been going over the Charlie drama for the past 24 hours.  And after talking to some hens about it, talking to Charlie about it, I've come to this conclusion:  what's done is done.  Worst case scenario is he doesn't graduate.  Worst/worst case scenario is they don't let him walk for commencement.  He will be in summer school, that's for sure.  Yesterday I called his therapist and left a message about Charlie.  I still haven't heard back from him, over 24 hours later.  I understand he's busy, but I wish someone would act like they give two hoots about my kid.  It feels like I'm the only one in his corner some days, and that's hard.  Now I'm trying to decide if I should go ahead with the graduation party plans.  On one hand, it seems phony to me.  On the other, it would be nice for Charlie to see people gathering just for him.  Opinions welcomed on this one.

8.  Baseball has started again, and thanks to my Tourette's Volunteer Syndrome I am again Team Parent.  I've done this so many years now it's practically like sleepwalking.  Only this year I find myself with a bit of a quandary:  the treat schedule.  I am not a fan of Treat Schedules.  These are 11 and 12  year old boys, and they're playing baseball.  Some games don't end until 9:30.  Call me cranky and old fashioned but I really don't think having treats is necessary.  Some of the parents disagree with me, some of them quite adamantly.  One said, "But the boys really enjoy it."  I'm like, they enjoy smelling their own farts, too.  Your point?  And so, I am making a treat schedule.  But not happily.

9.  Mother's Day is Sunday, and my BFF has suggested we sneak away to her cabin for the weekend.  I'm feeling guilt about this one, but it does sound heavenly.  Of course, her daughter (the aforementioned Helen Keller) and my daughter (the aforementioned Hulk. Noo...not Sexy Hulk, the angry Hulk Smash from the opening paragraph, silly) would come with us.  Molly hasn't seen Big Daddy since Christmas.  I ask her about it,  and the only answer I get is, "Obviously he doesn't care."  Which is a whole 'nother post.  But anyhoo...I think we'll go, and I know we'll have fun.  I used to joke that the best Mother's Day present would be for someone to take the kids away for a day.  Never thought I'd ever be the one going away.

10.  Speaking of Mother's Day, there's MY mom to consider.  Mom is essentially housebound, it takes a lot of effort to 1: convince her to get out and do something and to 2:  physically get her out of the house.  I worry that she's given up on life, and is for all intents and purposes just waiting for the end, stuck in that little room, smoking cigarettes and watching the news.  I want to make a basket for her, but I don't want it to be full of junk that she won't/can't use.  So I think I'm going to include some framed pics of the kids, some hardcore lotion, some emery boards, a couple good movies and some sort of treat.  It doesn't sound like much though...but what do you get the mom who doesn't leave her house?  Any ideas?  If I had the cash I would pay for a spa day or a day at the casino or even a Twins game, but she just doesn't do that sort of thing.  This makes me sad.  I see so many grandparents at school events, baseball games, etc. and it bums me out that she's missing out on these things.

On that chipper note, I will sign off.  There's another episode of Law and Order starting...or is it Criminal Minds?  Whatever.

Enjoy your Wednesday, people.  Hug your kids, and give your mom a squeeze, too. 


  1. People getting massages need to refrain from showing their parts AND reaching for the parts of the person doing the massaging. Gross.

  2. You agreed to be team parent, they didn't. Therefore your opinion counts for more. If someone wants a treat schedule, let them make it. "I have taken on this big responsibility, and don't feel I can also manage a treat schedule. If you want to head that up and organize it, that would be great."

  3. Obviously I don't know your son, but if it was my kid I would go ahead with the party plans anyway so they wouldn't think I'd given up on them graduating. If he doesn't graduate this spring he'll know you're behind him and celebrating all the progress he has made (in school and out). Yes I'm the one with the 20 year old still working at it and now looks like my 17 year old won't be graduating on time either. It's tough for me because I loved school but I refuse to complain too much as long as they are still trying. Maybe I'm not pushy enough but so many of their classmates and friends have quit altogether that I don't want to nag them into that course of action either. Sheesh, I thought it was tough when they were both in diapers!


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