Hola mis amigos! I hope you are are totally rocking this new year. Me? Meh. I've tried to avoid putting a lot of pressure on my chubby rounded shoulders by making any big, broad resolutions. In fact, I ushered in the year sitting on my couch, watching the Law and Order marathon on USA Network. My only complaint was the freaking Sarah Mclachlan animal commercials they played EVERY 10 MINUTES. Now, if you know me, you know I love me some animals. I would have a barn full of cats, dogs, horses and lambs and baby cows if I could. But I can't. And it got so soul-crushing to hear Sarah's warbling "Silent Night" while the images of the abused and neglected animals flashed by that I did the reprehensible thing: I changed the channel. God help me. But I did hug Walter each time and said to him, "I'm so glad we found you, my love." That's got to count for something, right?
Anyhoo. Without any further ado (adieu?), here are the diez el Martes:
1. If there was a Shit-O-Meter that we used to rate our days, with 1 turd being a great day and 10 turds being a shit-tacular day, today would have been like, maybe a 12. I won't bore you guys with the utterly trite details, but I will say that it involved one of my kids, me chasing someone with a stainless steel mixing spoon, and a call to the police. I will also say that today we found out that a 5'3" mom chasing a 6'2" 17 year old with a stainless steel mixing spoon is not considered "child abuse". I've already said too much. Talk amongst yourselves.
2. So after a day like that, where does a girl go? you may be asking yourself. Well, this here girl goes to the grocery store to get toilet paper. And while she was there, she may or may not have said to herself, "SCREW IT" and picked up some sushi and some cheap ass wine. Toilet paper, you may ask? Yes. Because naturally, after talking to police officers while wearing a nordic wool ski hat, braids, a matted fleece jacket, faded and stretched out yoga pants and shabby faux leopard fur slipper scuffs, the bathroom in the mancave became locked. From the outside. We tried everything to get it open, I even tried offering up middle aged lady tears as a sacrifice...but no go. And of course, we were down to two rolls of toilet paper, the last one was, of course, locked up in what we now call "Tomb of the Splattered Toilet Seat".
Landlord is coming over tomorrow to fix it. I just pray there aren't any disgusting surprises in there.
3. Here's one for the "Things That Make You Go Hmmmmmmm" files: John McCain sent me a friend request on facebook a few days ago. Being a mature woman, and thinking to myself, "well, why can't we be friends?" I accepted. A few hours later, he was nowhere to be found on the friends list. "Weird", I thought to myself ,but didn't give it much thought because facebook can be wonky from time to time. Cut to the next day, and I get another friend request from McCain. Here's where I said to myself, "Hmmmm." Accepted once again, after all, who among us hasn't been stymied by this crazy interweb stuff? So, I decided to check out his profile. Saw some travel photos, and not much else. "Oh well" I said to myself. "He's extending the olive branch. And I love me some olives." Tonight, bored after the police/stuck locks/wine and sushi binge, I decided to look him up again, and maybe drop a "Hey stranger" line his way. Guess what?
He unfriended me again. This time? I'm chalking it up to kooky. McCain, if you're reading? I'm not officially creeped out yet, but we're one friend request away from that. Normally I'd be thrilled to get a stalker but today I'm feeling particularly shaky and vulnerable. So knock it off.
4. Speaking of shaky, Cabin Boy gets back into town tomorrow night. He sent a text, wants to get together on Friday night for dinner at his place. My gas tank is again on fumes and I'm pretty sure I've gained about 35 pounds since he's left so I'm hoping we can change the date from "his place" to "my place" and "dinner" to "let's play Helen Keller, kinky style, in a completely darkened room with both of us wearing blindfolds and earplugs". And does anyone have a Spanx bodysuit I can borrow?
5. This is a fun time to be politically Switzerland-ish. My Republican friends, and my Democrat friends, are all just starting to very subtly boil, like a pan of water about 6 minutes into a mac and cheese meal. I am so confused this time around. So very, very confused.
6. I've had the Lynrd Skynrd song "Gimme Three Steps" stuck in my head for about 5 hours now. There is no explanation for this. It's a song I think I fist-pumped along with maybe 4 or 5 times in high school, at some very unfortunate keggers. Here it is, because it would be awesome if it was implanted in your head too:
Why, God. Why??
7. Celebrity Wife Swap: The television equivalent to eating McDonald's french fries in your car. You watch, you soak it in and you pray that no one sees you doing it. Gary Busey? I think I'd rather find Big Daddy under my bed.
8. Best lip balm ever: Blistex Deep Renewal. A month ago my lips were like the pebbly surface of old school Samsonite hard sided luggage. Tonight they are silky smooth.
9. Pinterest? Thanks for making me feel like a complete and total idiot. I DON'T GET YOU. Do people really have that much spare time (says the woman who has watched 198 hours of Friends reruns in the past 3 weeks)? Really, I don't understand it. Just tonight, I "repinned" some funny Solo-cup wine glasses. That's it, folks. That's all I've done. I think I have officially become "unpinteresting".
10. Katy Perry/Russell Brand divorce. Knock me over with a feather. Or a shot of whipped cream. I just wonder, who instigated it? Katy seems pretty cool, Russel seems like he has one or more STD's (pick the scabbiest one you can imagine, then add another one for shits and giggles). I can't wait to hear the details in Us Magazine.
That's the 10, sweet and lovely readers. I hope 2012 is treating you all with kid gloves so far...and if not, hang in there. The best is yet to come.