It's cathartic. It's hard, but cathartic.
I'm the kind of person who waits for things to happen. Now I am finding out that I need to try and be the kind who makes things happen. Not an easy task for a quiet wallflower to accomplish, but I think I'm starting to get the hang of it.
Well, that's kind of a lie. I don't know if I'll ever get the hang of it. Let's just say I'm learning how to pretend that I have the hang of it. Inside I'm still the child, wishing that someone would just come rescue me, and I suppose that's ok. But that child needs to learn to deal with some of life's crap like a big girl.
And that's what I'm doing.
Kind of like how a mom will cut up the food on her child's plate, to make it easier for them to navigate dinner....I'm getting all of my duckies set up in a nice neat row. To make it easier for me to pick them off, one by one.
I'm a nature lover, but these have got to be some of the nastiest ducks I've ever encountered. The foreclosure one stinks, the bankruptcy one scares me. The duck I call "debt" is a menacing one. But once you look these ducks in the eye, you realize that they aren't the be all and end all of anything. They're just ducks. Hurdles. Or whatever other metaphor you can come up with.
I'm saving the biggest, ugliest, meanest duck for last. That's the one I call Big Daddy.
He and Skankenstein are having a cozy, romantic getaway this weekend, to celebrate their anniversary. Our old anniversary, if you want to look at it that way. We would have been married 17 years.
I'm not bitter. Not anymore. I have found that it helps to think of myself as the pioneer in Big Daddy Land. I'm the owner of so many firsts with him: first lay, first house, first (and second and third and fourth) kid, first divorce....if he was the moon I'd be Neil Freaking Armstrong. Hell, if it wasn't for me being such an awful wife, he wouldn't have been so hard up and started sniffing the seat of the office bicycle. Now that I think of it, they have me to thank for this anniversary. Where is my cozy getaway?
Oh yeah, mine is going to be in a little town called Chisago Lakes, where I'll be watching William play hockey in his first tournament of the season. Which honestly sounds like more fun than faking orgasms and celebrating an event that, after just 3 short years, has profoundly affected so many lives. And not in a good way.
So anyhoo, back to the ducks.
I was glad to hear that Big Daddy has the financial means to take his sweetheart on a lover's retreat. Very glad. That means his finances (or his household finances) are healthy. He's going to be needing them.
My attorney, who absolutely kicked ass all over my checking account issue (got some of the $$$ back, just in time to pay for the duck I call "taxes"...more on that party later), is trying to decide what our next move is. I think seeing me go through this latest round of humiliation and aggravation gave her renewed motivation to seek justice on my behalf. On behalf of my kids.
We're going to wait for the bankruptcy to be officially filed and then move onto the task of making things right in Big Daddy Land. There are a few different options...garnishment, liens, levies, etc. None of which will be pleasant (I know this firsthand) but all of which will be another "first" for me and Big Daddy.
The first time he does the right thing. I guess it's still considered doing the right thing even if Lady Justice is standing behind him, pinning him in a martial arts arm hold, right?
We'll find out soon enough.
In the meantime, if we see each other or talk to each other over the next few days, go ahead and wish me a Happy Anniversary. We can have a laugh over it. I like laughing. I'm planning on doing a lot more of it in the weeks and months to come.