8/15/10

Such bullshit.

So, my mom is an avid reader of the gossip magazines: People, Star, Us, you name it. She has a few subscriptions and when she's done reading them, she passes them on to me. And I put them in the bathroom, of course, for some serious reading material. I feel a sick mixture of joy and shame that my kids can carry on a conversation about whether or not Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes may indeed be pregnant with their second baby or if Brangelina is still together.

Anyhoo. So today I was reading an article in People magazine, an article about Leann Rimes. She had an affair with that Eddie guy from Lifetime movies and CSI Miami. He was married, with two little kids, she was married with no kids. They "fell in love" on the set of some show, and ended up divorcing their respective spouses. Happens every day, right?

Leann was all "I'm tired of being called a homewrecker, Eddie and I are soulmates, we didn't want to hurt either one of our spouses" and "Both of our marriages had issues."

Bullshit.

That's the same crap that I heard from Big Daddy. "Our marriage was awful" "I love you, but I'm not in love with you". Is there a script for unfaithful spouses out there, some dog-eared, battered paperback or pamphlet that gets passed around like a worn out copy of Forever by Judy Blume? Because this sounds like a tired old song and dance. You'd think people who are clever enough to figure out how to bang someone on the sly could dream up some new excuses.

The bad marriage one is my least favorite. It's like finding out that you have cancer and then deciding to not treat it because "I might die anyway." Will you die? Maybe, but don't you want to try everything you can to avoid doing so? Most marriages get sick at some point (sometimes cancer, sometimes just the sniffles). Those that survive are the ones where the illness is acknowledged and treated before it spreads beyond control. (My apologies to anyone who has dealt with actual cancer, I don't mean to belittle your experiences.)

Conversely, one could also say, "You know why your marriage is bad? BECAUSE YOU'RE HUMPING SOMEONE ELSE, EINSTEIN."

Was my marriage awful? We had issues, you bet. More issues than Reader's Digest. But I can tell you this...they weren't beyond repair until the whole "oops my penis fell into a secretary" debacle. Because once you drag someone else into your own private tar pit, things get complicated. And complicated turns ugly, fast.

A marriage dies when one person decides it's dead. The other person can try everything humanly possible to make things all better, but this is one scenario where it truly takes two to tango. The one who leaves, who strays...if they would just be honest and admit that they gave up, that they ditched, it would be nice. Don't blame issues, real or imagined, in a marriage for making you sneak around. No one is ever forced to cheat.

If you have big enough balls to start a relationship with someone new while you're still married, and worse yet, while the person you're still married to has no idea that you've checked out, then you should own up to it. Cut one of them loose, before you do any more damage. It's the decent thing to do. Probably the only decent thing that you'll have done in a long time.

I don't really have a point to this rant. I blame it on raging PMS, remorse over potato chips and a-holes who lie to make what they did look less shitty.

15 comments:

  1. Amen Sistah. Love is an act of the will not a warm fuzzy. It lasts long after the warm fuzzies are buried under a pile of laundry and cheerios-- but only if you both are committed to making it last. Sexy Man of God and I have had our share of battles and really horrible times, but we knew this-- we weren't getting divorced. Early on, SMoG thought "Oh great-- I don't believe in divorce-- I'm just going to be miserable my whole life." LOL.

    The true secret to our longevity is we promised whoever left had to take the kids. Oh I'm kidding, of course.


    I love you!

    Wesley

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  2. Wes you just brought tears to my eyes. Your SMoG sent me an email, just after Big Daddy first walked out. I don't remember exactly what it said, but I do remember that as I read it I started crying and I thought to myself, "Now that's a man." He was talking about the things you just wrote, commitment and having a firm stance on staying together through good and bad. I will never forget him trying to help me through that dark time. He's a keeper!

    P.S. If you two do split, I will take Sydney.

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  3. I think married people forget that the big M does take WORK! I loved your "oops my penis fell into Secretary"! My ex left me for a 17-year old lesbian whom he felt the need to help. Help pick out her prom dress? Which he may have, because he ended up going to it. Anyhoo...that's a whole blog in itself!
    People forget the idea that when you are married, you will have differences and will maybe, just maybe need to work it out! But for some, it's just easier to find someone new. Forget the commitment part! LOL

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  4. For the last year or so of my marriage, things were bad. And That Canadian Boy I Married had me convinced that it was me, that I was crazy, that I was too suspicious, that it was all in my head. That he loved me and didn't believe in divorce and wanted to work things out. But everything I suggested we try - a date night, couples therapy, even reading some stupid fix-your-marriage books, were all met with a big, fat no. And then I find out that he's not only involved with someone else, but that he was planning (no lie) to get her fucking NAME tattooed on his body (Seriously? SERIOUSLY????) and he was saving up to buy her an engagement ring. To this day, he still won't admit that he was as serious about her for as long as he was before he left me. I wonder if she knows he was still sleeping with me while professing his undying love to her.

    I'm still kind of pissed about this, just in case that wasn't painfully obvious.

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  5. Oh Amy. I'm so sorry. I'm not in the field of law enforcement, but isn't 17 still considered "jailbait"? Is he still with her? Start blogging girl. This does more for me than weekly therapy appointments.

    I think you nailed it, with "it's just easier to find someone new". Kind of like getting a stain on your favorite sweater. Sure, it will come out with some work, but it's so much easier to get a new one. We are living in a disposable world, and sadly, marriages are included.

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  6. Oh Bedhead. We are so alike! The date nights, I remember 'em well. Big Daddy refused to hold my hand...I was baffled back then.

    And yes, if only the Version 2.0's knew how many nights their lovahs spent with the spurned first wives.

    I remember waking up one morning, just a random weekday morning, after he left. Rolled over in bed and found him there. I asked, "What in the hell are you doing here?" and he said, "I don't know, it just felt right." Then he reached over and tried to feel me up. I asked him to leave.

    According to his bank statements, that very night he went to the Coach store and spent $600.00.

    I wonder if Secretary could smell the guilt on her new purse????

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  7. I used to buy in to some of the "bad marriage" stuff - it didn't make me condone cheating, but I thought understood it a little more. But now I realize The Bad Marriage Song was written by people trying to justify their actions (to others or just themselves) by claiming their spouse "drove" them to cheat. It is funny that none of them found it bad enough to leave BEFORE they found someone to cheat with.

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  8. LOL on the smell of guilt on the Coach purse. It's horrible being indispensable and disposable simultaneously. It seems like he wanted you and secretary at the same time. I know now that is what my soon-to-be-Ex wanted. He told the women (as in multiple) he was with that he was a single Dad and that I was crazy and never cooked dinner for him. It their guilt that makes them say all sort of nasty lies about us. That and they don't want the women they are now with to know that they were "double dipping".
    Shannon

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  9. LOL about the guilt on the purse. I would have been tempted to tell her about that. Oh and that the C's all over the outside stand for something other than "Coach". ;)

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  10. Shannon, I think just about every wife who is cheated on/left is called "crazy" or "psycho" at least once. It makes the adulterer feel better about what they've done. There are entire websites devoted to psycho ex-wives. Guess what, chumps..we weren't crazy until you started the mind games. I don't think Big Daddy wanted me in the biblical sense, I think he had second thoughts and regrets though. I have an email that he sent me not long before he and Secretary got hitched that expressed more emotion than he showed during our entire marriage.

    Unfortunately the feelings below the waist usually outweigh those above the shoulders in this type of person.

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  11. Ahhh anonymous...yes, few of them find things stifling enough, "issuey" enough to leave before good old Plan B is all lined up.

    And just to clarify, I do believe that there are some truly BAD marriages. Of course there are. But our whole society has this sort of "It's not my fault" mentality. People suing fast food places because they got fat eating fries. Parents blaming schools and teachers for everything that goes wrong with their kids. Nobody fixes anything anymore. It's sad.

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  12. I'm enlarging this blog post to huge font size, printing it out, and papering the front of my fridge with it. And keeping a second copy of it in my purse.

    :D

    --Salish

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    Replies
    1. Ha! Thank you! I think it should be handed out to the men who blame their marriages for the affairs...and to the "other women" who knowingly intrude on said marriages.

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  13. A few months before my husband left he was away for work. He sent a letter saying how much he loved and missed us and he didn't say it enough but be was thankful for everything we did. Now the letter could have been really for the kids but since they were 6 and 8 I'm going to assume that the letter was for me as well. When he sent this letter he'd been having an affair for over a year. The double life living is just astounding. Our marriage had issues but I will airways believe the biggest issue was that he was humping someone else.

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  14. Preach it, sister! When I start thinking about the Why's (which happen a lot less now 7 years later), I just have to tell myself it's all because he checked out, gave up, quit on the marriage. And then started over (replaced us) with a younger woman who worked for us, with 3 kids, two of which are younger than our kids. Kinda like LeeAnn Rimes, they broke up their families to be together . But I have the kids, they rarely see their dad, and I don't have to walk on eggshells anymore.

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