Back to life, Stuart Smalley style.

I'm having a party tonight. Not a big bash, just a little dinner/gathering with some of my eBay friends. We've known each other for...jeeze, almost 8 years now. We met, of all places, on an eBay chat board. A couple of us live within 5 miles of each other, and it took the worldwide web to introduce us.

We've gone through a lot, as a group. There have been babies born, businesses bought, houses lost, marriages dissolved, personal rebirths...you know, life. But through it all, we've managed to keep in touch. We haven't gotten together, as a group, in a long time though, so tonight should be awesome.

As I get the house ready for my little group of hens, it's dawning on me. I love having parties. I forgot how much.

When you go through traumatic stuff in your life, you tend to put yourself in a box, on a high, dark shelf in the back of some tucked away closet. You put on your game face and plow through the shit that needs to be plowed through. Some of us never remember exactly where we left our old selves, and that's a shame. I'm glad I remembered. Because the old me, for all of my flaws and inconsistencies, was pretty fun.

For a long time, I let what has happened in my life dictate how I live. I was dumped by my husband, therefore I felt unlovable. Ugly. Unworthy. My best friend and I broke up, suddenly and without warning. One day we were inseparable, the next day she wasn't talking to me. Therefore I was a lousy friend. Unworthy. I lost control of my finances, lost my house, lost my credit. Therefore I was a lowly member of society. Unworthy.

I started to feel like a leper, untouchable..waiting for the next important person in my life to leave. I missed out on a lot of good times, simply because I didn't feel like exposing myself any more than I had to. Skipped parties, passed on more invitations to more events than you can imagine. Missed class reunions, Silpada parties, concerts. All because of my imagined unworthiness.

And I felt that way, for a long, long time. I walked through my days like a zombie, making sure that the kids were alright, making sure that we had food and clean clothes and a roof over our heads. But over the past few months, I have been waking up. Shaking off the cobwebs and that horrible black cloud of insecurity and self loathing.

I have been having my very own Stuart Smalley revolution inside my head, dammit.

Because I like me. And if those other people don't like me, and choose not to be part of my life, you know what? Their loss. I miss them, more than they will ever know, but it's truly their loss. Yes, Big Daddy, for all of your fuckheadedness, sometimes I miss the old "us". And Big Red, my former BFF? I miss you more than I miss him. Every day. But it is what it is.

And now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go get some ice.

Because I'm having a party for my friends.


  1. Whaaaa I wanna come to your ebay party! But I don't live within 5 miles of you.. and I don't do ebay anymore :(. But I did get to meet your group when I was there... Is Steph coming? Give everyone my love!
    PS: I isolate too!

  2. Yes Steph was here! She looks beautiful. It was SO MUCH FUN. I love those girls.

    And would you believe Handsy made an appearance???

  3. Awww, I'm jealous! I wish we didn't live 1/2 a country away from each other :(
    I miss the Cul de Sac!
    **Waving at KelBay**
    I'm glad you guys had a great time though, & hopefully it won't be as long a time til the next get together.

  4. Umm YES Q.A. Dude has some balls.

    ((((Beth))))) I want all of you to come here. Seriously. I have lots of beds, couches, etc. I count our trip to Kel's house as one of my top 3 best times in my life. That was a blast.

  5. Jenny, it was so fun!!! I should've just planned on staying the night so I didn't have to leave! Though 1:30 was pretty respectable, I thought.
    And I can't believe Handsy had the balls. I'm still shaking my head over that one.

  6. Oh you should have. When I woke up the next day (at noon, ahem) I saw two cars still in the driveway and looked all over for the drivers. Sadly they had been picked up/driven home by others. It was like hunting for Easter eggs and coming up empty-handed. Woe.

    And re: Handsy: I'm saving the texts this time.

  7. I want to be an eBay friend! You are so REAL, thanks for this spot-on post. Most people I know have isolated at some point.


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