So I haven't had more than 2 hours to myself since at least February. The two older kids really don't like going to Big Daddy's house on "his" weekends, and as much as I think it's beneficial to both parties for them to be there, I don't push it. But the past couple of weeks have been kind of intense, not for any particular reason other than I'm a single mom, raising four kids, working my ass off to pay for housing, food and other frills and I'm currently on a self imposed break from all things carby, sugary and wonderful. But I digress. I've been feeling crabby and needed a break. So I didn't give them a choice this weekend.
I dropped Charlie off at lacrosse practice last night and on the way home decided that I deserved some pad thai. So I called my favorite take out place and ordered some...figuring that by the time I made it home, Big Daddy would have been there, collected my angels, and left already.
So I pull in the driveway, greasy paper bag in hand, ready to have a quiet binge. Lo and behold, Big Daddy hadn't been there. The second I walked through the front door my three remaining kids swooped on me like a flock of vultures who had been starved for a month. "WHAT'S IN THERE?" "IT'S NOT WINE, IS IT???" "MOM NO FAIR YOU GOT CHINESE!!!". And my silent binge turned into egg rolls split four ways and all of the shrimp picked out of the pad thai. Sigh.
After Big Daddy finally arrived, I settled onto the couch with Walter and my now meatless noodles. And then realized how quiet it was.
You don't know how used to the noise you've become until it's removed. I find myself absolutely bored off of my ass when they're gone, no matter how padded my schedule is, no matter how much work I get done. I miss my kids. Don't get me wrong: I don't miss the nit picky fighting, the whining, the clogged toilets...that stuff I really can do without. But I miss the stories they tell me, the laughter. I miss having my people around me.
But what can you do? Besides the split up holidays, this is the worst part of divorce. Having your kids taken away from you every other weekend. I wasn't the one who wanted to separate myself from this family, to this day I think it's a crying shame that I should have to be without my kids. I know they need to be with him, and I know that he loves them and wants time with them, but the pouty toddler in me is still stomping her feet and tantruming about it.
I miss my babies.