Spammy Spammers and the Spam that they Spew

So, if you're not a blogger, this post might be lost on you. If you are a blogger? Can I get an amen?

Let's discuss spam. No, not this:

I'm talking about the spam that we get in our comment sections. If only it were the pressed meat substance. I could feed NATIONS.

I have my comment section moderated, meaning: when someone leaves me a comment, I get the privilege of looking at it before I decide to publish it. Most of the time it's from one of you guys, and it makes me laugh or sigh or get a little teary. I've never received an outright nasty comment, which you should know comes as a complete surprise to me given these two factors:

1. There is a German porn queen named "The Happy Hausfrau" and dozens of boner-fueled men come here every day looking for her. I'm utterly amazed that I don't get more angry comments like "DIESES IS NICHT DIE PORN ICH SUCHTE!" (translation: THIS IS NOT THE PORN I WAS LOOKING FOR!)  (say it in an angry German Obi Wan voice..it's kind of funny)

2. Every single divorced man who trolls the Divorce section of the Huffington Post hates me. When one of my articles gets posted over there, they come out in droves. Like gays to a Lady Gaga concert*. I'm just waiting for the day they come here and go through my posts and comment on each one with "There are two sides to every story! Let's hear Big Daddy's side!". Or "It's a fact that most divorces are initiated by women! WOMEN SUCK".  

There have been a few passive-aggressive comments, but hey...I am in Minnesota. This is where passive-aggressiveness was born, don'tcha know (also the game of Twister. And the stapler. And Post-its.). I don't mind the passive-aggressiveness. It's part of living in the Land of 10,000 lakes. Like mosquitoes.

I get a lot of spam regarding High Priests and Priestesses and Spellcasters who conjure up spells guaranteed to get your wayward lover back into your arms. It must be because of the divorce stuff, I guess, but really? Spellcasters? I read each of these comments using the voice of that voodoo priestess from Pirates of the Caribbean:

"my name is Julie life indeed is a misery i never thought i will be happy again after the love of my life dumped me for a fellow lady in a restaurant it was indeed a disgrace shock to me after been in a relationship for five years i became so miserable and downcast so i confided in a friend who told me to do something but what could i have done so he got me introduced to dreromspamspelltemple@spammy.com that it was the
same man that helped him when his mother in law almost threw her out of her matrimonial home so i contacted him but when he ask me to pay for the sacrificial items i became skeptical because he was from Africa so i told my friend then she told me that was the same way he felt when she met him online so i sent the money lo after the 3rd day of the spell my phone rang and my love eyes was opened to see how much i love him and he came back to me crying and asking for forgiveness i just ordered a promotion spell again from dreromuselaspelltemple@spammy.com and i know is still going to be perfect cause now i believe his saying that he never fails i believe in you dr Eromspam"

Ahhh...Julie. I feel your pain, sister. There truly is no disgrace shock like when the love of your life dumps you for a fellow lady. IN A RESTAURANT, no less! And while I'm beyond giddy that Dr Eromshamalamadingdong got your love eyes back open, I have to tell you: we don't need no stinkin' love spells around here! And P.S...Sacrificial items? Are we talking chickens, goats, firstborns...what? Sounds like a lot of work to me. 

Tell you what, Julie and Dr. Ermosiouxsieandthebanshees, find me a spellcaster who will produce a calorie-free martini and then we'll talk. 

The other spams I get actually crack me up. Because I read these using the voice of this guy:

Mr. Chow from The Hangover. These are the short and sweet spams, they are quite pleasant and when you read them using Mr. Chow's voice, quite hilarious:

"Thіs site ωaѕ... how do I say it? Relevant! ! Finally Ι have found sоmеthing that hеlped me. Mаny thаnks! Ѕtop bу my web blog plus size clothing stores in michigan"

"Hi it's me, I am also visiting this web site daily, this web site is genuinely nice and the people are actually  sharing fastidious thoughts. My webpage :: ルイヴィトン財布"

"Good ԁay! Do you use Twitter? I'd like to follow you if that would be ok. I'm definitely еnjoуing your blog and look fоrward tο new poѕts. Feel frеe to surf to mу sіte: legal Ecstasy"

By the way...I love me some Ken Jeong (the actor who portrays Mr. Chow). Did you know he's like, a real life DOCTOR? And he's married to a doctor! He went to Drake. And he's also on one of the funniest shows ever, Community. Check it out sometime. 

Then I get some weird spam comments, which appear to be chunks of conversation overheard between two pretentious semi-hipster IT guys, one of whom looks and sounds like sexy Alan Rickman as Hans Gruber:

Only Hans Gruber with a more douche-y mustache and maybe a black wool knit skull cap. Here's a sample of this kind of spam:

"The different models of phones, while all capable of making calls, actually have very different features and capabilities for many different uses. Interestingly, the rise in sales of smartphones will come at the expense of declining cell phone sales, currently 90% of the market. You can convert more than hundred different types of currencies and will be able to keep up with the currency rate changes. Feel free to surf to my site: samsung galaxy"

Blah blah blah, Hans. Spice it up a little for me next time, okay? 

All in all, these spammers are harmless. What really sticks in my craw about them is the false hope they give me. When I log into Blogger and see that I have 7 comments awaiting approval, and then find out it's Mr. Chow and The Spellcasters, it breaks my fragile joy bubble. And that makes me hate them.

The edible spam? I haven't had that in a million years. Maybe it's due to me being on day 2 of Weight Watchers again (yeah, let's hope the 3rd 4th time's the charm) but let me tell you...you haven't lived until you've had a fried Spam and egg sandwich. Seriously.  

*I was at the Lady Gaga concert this past February...attended with one of my best friends from high school who happens to be a lovely lesbian. She wore a smart plaid-ish top and a buttery leather jacket. I wore my sparkliest Karen Walker top that showed off my freckled and ample cleavage. We looked like The Odd Couple. She drank whiskey, I had vodka. And I loved every second of it. We left early to avoid traffic...because let's face it: we are tired middle aged ladies, regardless of sexual orientation. Mwah to my wonderful friend Terri.