Hello my friends...this has been the longest I've gone without posting. I was shocked to actually receive dozens of begging, pleading emails and comments from my rabid fans, demanding that I get crackin'! Ok, maybe not begging and pleading, and maybe there were only like, four, but it feels good to be wanted.
And so here I am! It's a glorious day here in sunny Minneapolis (and I'm not saying that with any sarcasm at all). Seriously, we're in the middle of a veritable heat wave here. The average temperature for March in Minnesota is 40-something, this week we're hitting 70. And yes, that strikes a cold stab of fear in the fat girl's heart. This is when the reality of not working out and eating your feelings all winter hits you. Hits you like a pallet of Girl Scout cookies. I've worn my long black down jacket since November, worn it like a coat of armor. And now it's time to take it off. Did I mention I'm full of self loathing and shame? Well, I am. This happens just about every year, only most years not until early May. Despicable Me is not just a movie, it's what I imagine is printed on my forehead every spring.
But what can you do? You can't unscramble an egg, and you can't uneat your feelings. So I'm doing what I'm so incredibly good at, which is picking myself up, dusting myself off and getting back on that old, swayback horse called "Fitness". She's a good old nag, not unlike myself. One of these times, it will stick, and I'll face a spring and summer not with dread but with gleeful anticipation. Ok, maybe not gleeful anticipation but at least with something other than wishing Target sold invisibility cloaks.
Which (finally) leads me to the Six (or Seven) on Sunday.
1. A good friend of mine has a wonderful yoga business here in Minneapolis, called Yoga Center of Minneapolis. One of her crowning achievements (one of many, may I add) is her founding of an innovative series of yoga classes created exclusively for...ahem...girls of thicker stature. Called "Big Ass Yoga", these classes are designed to make people who aren't tiny and fabulously fit feel comfortable and accepted in a yoga class. And since I am facing this particular Season of Loathe with a little extra cha-ching (and an extra chin), I'm treating myself to a month of Big Ass Yoga.
Jenny doing yoga? What's next? Maybe a mysterious lower back tattoo done in Chinese? We shall see. I'll keep you posted. (and don't think I'm not Googling the Chinese translation of PLEASE KEEP HANDS INSIDE THE RIDE AT ALL TIMES)
2. I dragged Molly to Costco with me the other night. And about two minutes after we entered, she whined, "I'm bored." So I encouraged her to play a game that gets me through those boring visits...it's called "Count The North Face". Now that spring has sprung, we'll have to change things up a bit. Hmmm...maybe "Count the Ed Hardy" or "Count the lululemon". Whatever gets you from the televisions to the vitamins, y'all.
3. We had all the windows in the house wide open yesterday, and that means I had to gather the angels 'round for my annual "The windows in the house are wide open" speech. It takes a couple of days for them to adjust to whispering or gesturing their threats and outbursts to each other rather than the screaming and gutteral brays they become accustomed to using all winter. Sigh.
4. Leave it to me to go on the Netflix and find just about every television series that only lasted one season. Right now I'm watching "The Gates" which is like True Blood Meets Desperate Housewives. Next up is "Freaks and Geeks" only I don't think that's on the Netflix instant stream. Might have to upgrade to DVD for that one.
5. William's hockey team is playing for the number one spot in their division tonight. I'm beyond thrilled, but also sad because this wraps up an unbelievable season. This team is the hockey-fied version of The Bad News Bears (the original, of course, not the unholy and unwatchable Billy Bob remake). Unless your kid has been on a team of scrappers and screw ups and fabulous misfits like this, you don't know how awesome it feels. Especially when your own little Band of Bloopers kicks the ass of a team with stands chock full of smug, loud parents. If looks could kill? We'd all be goners. I'm going to miss hockey.
6. I want to tell you guys what's going on, legally, with me and the kids. But I can't. I will say that I now know even the smallest, poorest, most powerless among us can move mountains when we're backed by the right people. And sometimes, you have to endure a whole lot of crap to get to the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm seeing the light, people. Finally. And it's awesome.
7. Another harbinger of spring? It's time for the annual Shearing of the Yeti. I bought a new razor just for the occasion. And a container of drain cleaner. Oh, how I will miss feeling the strands of hair blowing in the breeze through my yoga pants, but there are things that must be done at least once a year. And the time is now. It's been nice, leg hair class of 2012, but your time on this earth, and my limbs, has come to an end. Thanks for the memories.
I will leave you with that sexy image, and now I'm off to peruse the "Not-Quite-Plus-Size" selection of Spring burkas at Target.
We'll gab again, real soon.
