Ten on Tuesday

It's Tuesday.  Here's my ten:

1.  Goodbye truck.  Dan, my angel landlord, is buying it from me.  And in what could be interpreted as a final act of defiance or as a final reminder of GOOD RIDDANCE, the second he drove it to his mechanic to have it looked at, the alternator took a crap and is now dead.  Because he is a saint, he's still buying it.  Which is AWESOME because that truck, although it has been a decent mode of transportation over the past decade, has been a monetary vampire.  Just this past weekend William had a hockey tournament in a town not more than 25 miles away from here.  We went back and forth, back and forth, Friday and Saturday.  Gas?  $80.  Thank God for awesome families, we were able to mooch a ride on Sunday.

2.  So now, of course, I am Carless Jenny again.  You never realize how much you depend on your wheels until you find yourself without them.  But I'll gladly snowshoe to the grocery store if it means I never have to weep bitter tears at the gas pump whilst standing next to the big giant beast again.

3.  One more car thing:  that truck is officially the last vestige of my marriage, the last item that was purchased with Big Daddy, the last stinking reminder of a long ago life.  I remember when he pulled up into the driveway with that massive white vehicle, all proud, with a stack of paperwork on the passenger seat. I remember looking back and practically hearing an echo when I talked to the kids in the third row.  I remember having a quickie in the back seat, in our driveway while the kids and their babysitter obliviously sat inside the house (like how I say "quickie" like it was an anomaly?).  When he left me, there was about $15,000 left on that loan, and I paid that sucker off within a year.

4.  Beyonce gives birth!!!  Yeah, I know, whoop-de-doo.  But...there's buzz about whether or not her daughter entered the world via vagina or belly incision.  My opinion?  WHO CARES?  I've had babies both ways and believe me, the end result was exactly the same:  a baby.  I cannot stand the "Natural Nazis" who claim that anything other than a completely natural birth makes for a less-than-real mother.  What about adoptive moms?  Are they fake moms?  Hardly.  And don't get me started on the celebrity "too posh to push" c-section thing.  Do they schedule c-sections because they HAVE to, or is it to save their cootchies?  I had mine because despite the fact that it looks like a baby could sail out of me sideways, my pelvis is apparently a petite little thing.  And my babies had pumpkin heads. I can't imagine having a c-section for any other reason other than necessity.  But.. bottom line is, who gives a flying fig how a baby gets from A to B?  It's what happens after they land that's important.  And believe me, Beyonce's baby is not going to bat an eyelash over how she entered the world.  Kid was born with more than 99% of the people in this country will have in their lifetimes.  Lucky baby!

5.  Portlandia:  my new addiction.  Sure, it can be like a bad SNL sketch at times, but when it's funny, it's HILARIOUS.  Fred Armisen is da bomb.  Nobody parodies hipsters like he and Carrie Brownstein.  And believe me, hipsters are just begging to be parodied.  They are neck-and-neck with holistic, high-strung yoga mommies in the race for Most Annoying People On The Planet.

6.  Wheat Belly diet:  I'm giving it a whirl.  Of course, I'm not buying the book because that would be crazy (and apparently the books cost money), but there's enough information online that I get the gist of it.  It's AMAZING and HORRIFYING how much grain-based stuff we eat.  Wheat Belly says I can gorge myself on cheese, bacon (uncured), avocados and olives.  Ok then!  I'm also taking a break from the drinkies.  So far I have to say I miss the bread more than the wine.  But then again it's only been 2 days without bread vs. 9 days without wine.  We shall see.

7.  Did you watch the Golden Globes?  We watched some of it.  A few observations:  Angelina Jolie needs to eat a little more (listen, even me with my ham-hock arms found her spindly spider arms kind of icky).  Brad Pitt?  I don't get the hoopla.  He doesn't float my boat at all.  (and Moneyball was just "ok" in my opinion...not awesome.) I cried when that chick from The Help won.  But...um, hello Matt LeBlanc!  When did he turn into a silver fox?  Joey, how YOU doin'?

8.  Where was I?  Oh..yeah.  I'm putting Cabin Boy on hold for now.  He was fun and fit the bill for what I needed.  An itch that had to be scratched, was scratched.  And now I no longer itch.  He's a nice guy, a funny guy, but I've decided that I need to save myself (ha!  ha!!!!) for someone different.  Cabin Boy was (is) a fun diversion, a safe and extended one night stand/booty call.  But here's my new philosophy as far as me and the fellas go:  I'm worth more.  I'm worth more than stupid booze-fueled texts, I'm worth more than last minute hook ups. I is kind.  I is smart.  I....sorry, I'm reading The Help (finally).  Now, don't get me wrong:  if the planets align just right, and we happen to be in the same place at the same time and are around the same BAC (blood alcohol content, yo), I may find myself with that itch again.  But for now, I'm putting it on ice.  Mr. Right is totally out there somewhere...I just hope it's not like in Bangladesh or someplace like that.

The bright side?  Only 5 more years until I can register on OurTime.com (the geriatric online dating site).  Sigh.

9.  I hate, HATE those AT&T commercials where two self-absorbed mother effers sit there on their phones and tell everyone "that was so 27 seconds ago".  Especially those office bitches.  I want to take the phones out of their hands and smack them about their smug heads with them.  But I do like to ask my kids, "Do you guys know how to post videos to facebook?" over and over. 

10.  Do graduation parties have to cost thousands of dollars?  I'm starting to feel anxiety about Charlie's party.  I don't want him to be the kid with the totally lame party, but being a realistic person I have to face the fact that I can't hire Coldplay and have a lobster tank here for him.  What is a mom to do?  There are approx. 5 months to worry about this one. 

Oh and here's a bonus:

11.  I need to bend the ear of a website developer person/people, or someone who has started their own interactive website.  Anyone out there?  I have an idea.

That's my 10, people.  A new Dance Moms starts in a few, so I have to go grab an avocado and watch my favorite psycho in action.  Please don't ever get me started on the whole dance thing.  Please.

Be safe, friends.  Hug your kids, hug your friends and don't forget to take care of YOU.