Professor Plum: The Conclusion

I think I mentioned that there was more to the Professor Plum story, right? Well, it went a little something like this:

Professor Plum and I talked/e-mailed frequently after the first two dates. Things were getting kind of hectic in both of our lives, so we didn't have another date in the works when our next mutual "kid-free" weekend came up. I think I mentioned that I had a few weekends where I mysteriously found myself next to an empty bottle of wine? This happened to be one of those weekends.

When I drink, one of two things happens. Either I know my limits and am funny, charming and everyone's best buddy, or else I forget my limits (which are embarrassingly low) and become a horrifying example of Mom Gone Wild. Any one of you who have had the unfortunate luck to be around me when the latter happens know exactly what I'm talking about, right? I have a lot more to say about drinking, and plan on writing about that in the very near future, but for now let's just leave it at that.

So as I tend to do after soaking my liver in merlot, I grabbed my phone and started dialing. I think the kids call this "drunk dialing"...all I can say is thank GOD there weren't cell phones back when I was in my twenties (how in the world did we ever have booty calls back then???). So..I called Professor Plum and I'm not sure how I worded things but I managed to get him to drive to my house at 1:00 in the morning. Remember now, he lives in the next state over from here...Drunk Jenny must have some very strong persuasive skills.

When he arrived, I think I was out on my back patio. Sometimes, when I was having one of my "episodes" (read this as: drunk ass pity parties), I would have a little fire in the backyard all by myself. Even typing this, I'm cringing at how pathetic this sounds, but, hey.....all part of my charm I guess. Professor was wearing sweatpants and announced that he "had a boner the whole way here". Can you kind of see the way this is headed? Not pretty. Not pretty at all.

So we went upstairs to the room where all the magic happens. I am not going into detail, but from what I remember I basically had my way with him, despite his objections. I remember him very clearly stating, "This is not how I want our first time to be, Jenny." It was brief, but exhilarating for me. Up until this point I hadn't had any sort of sex with a human being (except for a couple times when Big Daddy was either having a fight with Secretary or was having some second thoughts paired with guilt, we'll get to that eventually) and for me, it was fun. Professor, unfortunately, felt differently about the whole shebang.

I am thinking that he had some really deep-seated issues with what had gone down. I don't know, maybe it was the fact that by the time he had pulled up his sweatpants, I was face down in a pillow, snoring...maybe his moral caliber had way higher settings than mine...either way, he left angry.

And apparently when Professor angry, he very angry. I got the first of several cuckoo emails the next morning. Emails that started out "normal", then TURNED INTO ALL CAPS. AND THEN INTO RED ALL CAPS. He was angry that he had come over that late, angry that I called him after I'd been drinking, angry that I had coerced him into doing the nasty with me, etc. etc. That's when Professor Plum turned into The Nutty Professor. And that's also when I decided that it was time to set this one free.