4/7/16

I Am That Goose



The search history on my computer isn't too scary. It's more boring than anything else. It goes like this:

"gluten-free licorice"
"FedEx drop locations"
"epididymitis"
"costco hours"
"linen tunic 3/4 sleeve"
and then, there is this one:

"do geese mate for life"

I live in Minnesota, which for several months out of the year seems to be Goose Country. We get them in our yard, I see and hear them flying overhead and when out with the dog, encounter large groups of them by the trails and the ponds. Some people hate the geese but I have grown kind of fond of them. Except when my dog eats their poo. Then I curse them and their apparently irresistible droppings.

Some people would call me a bleeding heart animal lover. If it was within my means to buy a giant farm somewhere and populate it with injured and sickly animals, I would. So when I see a goose kind of limping, or one with a janky wing, I will worry about it.

I also worry about the lone geese. You know how, you will see a big gathering of geese (gaggle? flock?) and while the majority of them are coupled up you will see a few solo geese off to the side, staring off into the distance. Or as I like to think, rolling their geese-eyes and muttering "Jesus h Christ, Denise and Larry, quit your hysterical honking...everybody sees your precious gosling snowflakes, okay? We get it. They're adorable. Calm the eff down." 

So the next time I was at my computer I entered "do geese mate for life" into Google and found out that yes, for the most part, they do. And being the bleeding heart, I thought about all of those lone geese and wondered what their stories were. Did they have babies? Or did their mate disappear before that could happen? What if they had a nest of eggs and were all alone? What happens then? Do they feel lonely standing there with all the couples? How about when they're flying? Who watches out for them??

That's also when I wondered if perhaps it was time to go back on the Adderall.

And then it hit me: sweet Moses...am I a goose? Did I mate for life? Because I'm going to just put it out there- I almost always feel like that lone goose. The one standing there trying to look cool or at least not awkward in the flock of couples. The one thinking "yeah it's fine. I'm totally okay standing here, just me myself and I! We're good!"

I am that goose except my mate didn't meet the front end of an impatient/distracted SUV or a bullet or a hungry fox. Mine flapped off into the wings of another goose and never looked back. (and this also made me wonder, but not search, "do geese screw around"? and "what would you call a goose homewrecker?") (my answer to the second one: loosey goosey. LOL)

It was a chilling moment, sitting there in front of a computer, images of geese and goose factoids glowing before my eyes.

Did I mate for life? Holy shit. Maybe so.

Because it's starting to feel like perhaps mating for life is what I did. And I have become the human counterpart to all of those solo geese. When I have my head down, eating grass or whatever, there's no protective lover looking out for cars or foxes or middle aged ladies with dogs. When I sleep at night there's no warm bundle of feathers next to me. When I tend to my own goslings, and the one or two who can no longer be classified as goslings but are still adhered firmly to the nest, there's no backup or reinforcement. No manly goose who says "baby you look tired. go sit down and watch an episode of Happy Valley and I'll get dinner started". And no Plus One when I get invited to gatherings where one would normally go with another.

The scariest part of all, though, is this: I'm kind of okay with being the lone goose. Oh, don't worry, I still have those pondering moments, usually at about 2:00 a.m., when I think gee it would be nice to have someone here next to me. Or like yesterday, when one of my kids had a health scare and I was alone in the waiting room of the pediatrician's office trying really hard to keep positive and wondering what the hell kind of pediatrician's office waiting area doesn't have boxes of Kleenex on every table and also, when did parents get so young??

But for the most part, it seems to be fine. I seem to be fine. It's been so long that nobody bothers with the usual Single-Lady small talk anymore. You know, the "so are you seeing anyone?" conversations or even the "I know this guy..." talks. Although there is one person at work who insists that I need to mate up and is pushing me to go online and find The One. I don't have the heart or balls to tell her that I do have a couple other solo geese in my life, who make me laugh and who sometimes ruffle my feathers and that's pretty much all I have the time or desire for right now. I humor her by going onto Match.com and pretending to work on my profile but unbeknownst to her I never save it.

I still think about the life-stories of those alone geese, though, and wonder how they're doing. I wonder if geese get lonely or if there's not enough room in those tiny brains for such frilly emotions. I wonder if they look at the couples surrounding them and think "damn I miss mate" or if it's more like "almost time to fly south" or "I smell fox, must honk!".

All I know is that now when I walk by a group of them and I see Mr or Ms Single Goose, I mentally kiss my fingers and give him/her a good old Katniss solidarity salute.

I feel ya, geese.




20 comments:

  1. Thankfully, now I know I'm not the only one who wonders the same thing. See the lone goose and can relate. (Yep they spend a lot of time in this area.) And your comment about being the "mated for life"- I can relate. It's what I fear I am too with almost the same exact situation of a cheating ex. With older teens and being that happy 44 yo, I've found that a lot of men in my age group are single for a reason. I miss a partner but I don't have the energy to deal with idiots either. So perhaps we're better off this way? Maybe the lone goose isn't so much missing the mate as thinking thank god that's over and I don't have to live with that crap anymore like my buddy Denise- who I can hear fighting with Larry again about gosling 1's attitude.

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    1. HAA!!! Oh Darla, you made me laugh out loud for real.

      Seriously, the more I ponder it, the more okay I am with hanging solo for the time being, and quite possibly for a long time to come. The only thing I ever really truly "miss" is the intimacy. Not only the sexy time, because I do like that (just being honest) but the little things, the inside jokes, having someone who wants to go see a stupid movie at the spur of the moment. My lady friendships are super fulfilling, thank goodness, but every once in a while I get a pang.

      The pangs pass, though ;)

      Thanks so much for reading, and for the giggle.

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    2. I hear you! I'm a new lone goose but since I'm an introvert it really doesn't bother me. I have great family and friends and two wonderful twenty-ish daughters, so I'm content with my life right now. I don't think I will ever marry again. 30+ years loving someone who says one thing and does another. I look at all the men on those dating sites and wonder what their stories are and would I want another trust-buster. Not for me. Not now. Not ever.

      Thanks for this!

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  2. It's funny, I've been thinking about the same thing lately. Not in terms of geese, but still. Maybe I am meant to finish out my time here on earth by myself. Not alone, because I'm not. There are friends, and family, and friends that are family, so I'm not ever going to be alone. But on my own...yes. I just don't think I have it in me to try it all again. I suppose I could meet someone tomorrow that could change my mind, but...I don't think there's someone that extraordinary out there. Not that my ex-husband was so extraordinary. He wasn't, but we loved each other very much, until he didn't. And like I said, I don't have it in me to do it again. Like you, I have moments when I wish there was someone by my side, but wanting someone else to pooper scoop the backyard doesn't seem like the best reason to embark on a new relationship. So, I go it alone. And now when I see a lone goose, I too will pause for a moment in solidarity.

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  3. OMG Jenny! Thank you so much for making me literally laugh out loud! And then search for some chips so I could finish reading! Loosey goosey!I hope that you haven't mated for life as you got the RAW WRONG end of the deal. Maybe, like you say you're ok with the way things are right now. You have solo friends, you have your kids and you have us. You are not SOLO. And someday you may or may not feel that is enough and who knows what will happen. Everything happens in it's own time. Relax, Enjoy, and Live, and OWN IT! And again, I am so glad that everything worked out with your son. Have a great day! Andrea Miller

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  4. Jenny, I'm not as far down the road as you are, my wasband and I have only been separated for a little over a year. But I've had those thoughts "What if I should've left him earlier in order to find my perfect mate?" "What if it is too late?" "Why are all the men my age such creeps?" Anyway, while I'm busy with my three goslings I don't really have time to look anyway. I think I'm also fine with being alone. I'm too happy this way to settle for anything less than ideal.

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  5. I completely feel where you are with this one. I am there as well. Divorced 7 years. Haven't been on a date in over 5 yrs. 49 years old ---alone except for my lovely children, 1 still at home. I also notice every lone wolf and also all the couples and mostly feel completely out of place/awkward most of the time. Hoping all turned out well with your child's visit. If it's number 3 on your computer history list... I hear that's a pretty common occurrence and typically nothing to worry about... hope that's the case for your situation. I'm sure your child appreciates you being there for them no matter how old they are. Unconditional love.

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    1. Thank you so much! Yes that's what it was and he seems to be making a fabulous recovery.

      You know what else I notice about all the couples? Is how some of them have managed to stick together through really hard times. I'm talking, like cancer and grief and huge personal setbacks. Then I look at me and think "I couldn't even hang onto mine through the kids' puberty...." Kind of makes me feel as though couplehood is not something I am good at :(

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  6. I know this has nothing to do with the main point of your column, but OH MY GOD ISN'T HAPPY VALLEY FABULOUS?

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    1. !!!! Only two episode in but addicted. Damn these British cop shows.

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    2. I know! Have you seen "Last Tango in Halifax?"? Not a cop show, but stars the same actor (Sarah Lancashire) and equally as addictive. And even more seasons!

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    3. NO! I haven't see it but I have already decided Sarah L. and I have to hang out. There needs to be like a month of Sundays so all of these shows can be binged upon properly. Thanks for the rec!!

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    4. By the way, on the end of Episode 3. And cried like a freaking baby at the awful car scene. Poor Kirsten :(

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    5. I want to be her friend, too! You're lucky you just started and can go right into season two (which I just finished. . . but won't spoil). Hope you like Tango.

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    6. Okay finished Happy Valley and I started watching Death in Paradise. Because I have no ability to remember show recommendations. I'm not in love with this new one so am now burning "Tango/Halifax" into my brain.

      Happy Valley: OMG. Gutted. Such a great show!

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    7. And next, for some tremendous laughs, see if you can get "Moone Boy." I think it's only on Hulu, but it's one of the best shows in years so I hope it gets out to a bigger audience. Sort of autobiographical by Chris O'Dowd (huge crush). So funny! Laughing so hard you cry on the sofa funny.

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  7. You never know how you will feel in 2 years, or 5 years, or even 10 - these might just be your lone goose years because your partner is waiting a decade down the road. The best you can do is enjoy where you're at without pigeonholing yourself, right? I must say, though, "lone goose" doesn't have quite the ring that "lone wolf" does. Also, one paragraph up there made me think of Joe Jackson's "Happy Loving Couples." Give it a listen - it's the perfect "dance around while holding a drink on a Friday night at home by yourself" music. (Tell me if the link doesn't go through)

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    1. Girl! Love me some Joe Jackson! And yes that song is absolutely perfect for the goose talk.

      I love your sensible optimism. Thank you.

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  8. On the grounds of the building where I work we have a dozen turkeys, Mr. and Mrs. Duck, and one lone goose in residence. Being three years divorced and still not dating, I identify with the lone goose.

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    1. Ha!! We have a pack of turkeys who reside in our neighborhood too. Last summer they roosted near my bedroom window and I didn't need an alarm clock for many weeks.

      I'm glad that lone goose found a little community. And I hope you're doing well. Three years out! Wheee!

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