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11/30/15

10 Ways My Dog Trumps My Ex Husband



Oh no! A listicle! I know, they are the lowest common denominator in the writing world. They are to writing as McDonald's is to food: fast, cheap and they just kind of make you feel like less of a human whether you're the one reading, writing or eating it. I KNOW.

But sometimes a lady is in bed, and starts thinking and it's late and maybe she's had a glass of wine (only because the beef stew she made needed a half cup of it and who can pour just a half cup?). And maybe she's making herself giggle thinking of all the ways her dog totally kicks ass as a life force when compared to the person to whom she was once betrothed.

That lady is me, that dog is my beloved Walter and these, my dear friends, are ten ways Walter trumps Big Daddy:

1. He's fixed. Enough said, amirite?

2. He's loyal as a...well, doy. As a dog. Walter's got my back, and if I'm laying down, he's usually got my side and part of my front as well. He's a warm yellow blankie. Dude won't leave me, except to chase squirrels and if someone has food. But he always comes back.

3. When I can't find Walter late at night, I don't worry that he's hunkered downstairs, texting some floozy. He most likely heard someone opening the fridge and had to investigate.

4. He spends time with the kids. (burn? yes. If the flame fits...)

5. He's honest. You always know where you stand with a dog. They either like you or they don't.

6. He listens. He really does! He'll look at me when I'm talking and even though my brain knows all he's hearing is BLAHBLAHWALTERBLAHBLAHWALKBLAHBLAHBLAHTREAT my heart knows if he could talk back, he'd sound like John Goodman and be full of funny anecdotes and loving platitudes.



7. He loves me no matter what phase I'm in. Of course he likes Exercising Jenny a great deal because LOTS OF WALKS but he also chills with Couch Jenny because WARM YELLOW BLANKIE. This past weekend Showtime had their Free Preview and I watched approx. 200 hours of the show The Affair. Have you watched it? Jesus. Except for the money and the murder it's way too much like my story. Walter watched with me and every time I muttered "oh my god what an asshole" he looked at me with his soulful brown eyes and basically was saying, "I know, right??"

8. When I undress in front of him or he walks in on me while I'm using the bathroom, there is zero critical judgment. He doesn't jiggle my arms or make a cutting remark and has never once exclaimed "UNLEASH THE FEEDBAGS!" (you think I'm kidding, don't you?). Although I did confess to my friend Danielle that sometimes I get a little freaked out because what if Walter is one of my relatives or a hot guy reincarnated? I will admit to sometimes saying to Walter, "Please look away" during more intimate moments.

9. Feeding him is so easy. He's never once pushed a dish away because it contained celery and by God I have never had to make tater tot hot dish for him. Haven't made that ish in 8 years! Rejoice! He is pretty gassy, though. They have that in common.



10. Walter has yet to break my heart, or the hearts of my children. I know he will someday, and I try to not think about that. But you know what? The love and memories we'll have of this wonder dog are so vast and beautiful. We will take so much comfort in that. So, I guess his legacy trumps, as well.

This is, of course, a farcical post. I know Walter is just a dog and not a replacement for human companionship. But I call him my Divorce Dog because we got him from the Humane Society shortly after the divorce was finalized in December of 2006. He's approximately the same age as my divorce. And truth be told, I also call him my Divorce Dog because he saved me. He showed me (and the kids) how much love we still had to give and how worthy we were of love in return.

Good boy.

27 comments:

  1. Walter has such a warm and soulful look to him. You are very fortunate to have one another. I can only imagine the support he's been all these years. Ex husband married his affair 6 years ago this month. I've stayed very, very single. I think the companionship and unconditional love of a dog would of helped along the way. I know I'll definitely need one when my youngest goes off to college :) Hoping Walter continues to bless you and your family for many more years.

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    1. Ugh, I'm so sorry about the ex. It sucks. You know, I've stayed semi-single but yes, having Walter around is so comforting. You totally need to get one when your nest clears out! Get a rescue dog if you can. They are the best.

      Thanks for reading, and hugs to you during this crazy month (I love it when they pick holiday months to get hitched...)

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  2. Awww, what a sweet loving tribute to your pup! Animals really do become part of the family! Hugs!

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    1. Thanks Lisa. Yep, he's part of our little tribe fo sho.

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  3. What do you mean a dog is not a replacement for human companionship? Isn't that what this listicle is all about, lol!

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    1. Ha!! Sometimes I have to make it seem as if I'm less crazy. He is pretty awesome. Just wish dogs stuck around longer.

      Thanks for reading!

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    2. Oh, me too! They are beyond fabulous beings!!!!

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  4. If your ex actually said those things you mentioned in #8, the only question is why you didn't leave him first. Definitely not a person to grow old with!

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  5. "UNLEASH THE FEEDBAGS!"

    Ugh I can't believe it. Serious question: were there signs when you were dating that would have given you a hint he would act like this?

    I am married and my husband wants to have kids but if he ever said that I don't think I could control my rage.

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    1. Anonymous, he was always kind of a dick to other people, but nice to me. It was after the kids started coming that he began losing the nice :(

      Although now that I'm sitting here thinking about it, he always did point out little flaws on me. Like a spider vein on my leg or any wrinkles I'd start developing. He was seemingly horrified by the changing of my body as I aged/had babies. Gross, huh?

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  6. This is great! I thought of another one; Walter has a honey-colored coat and I'm guessing BD was bald, or had male-pattern baldness? Keep up the good work!

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    1. Ha!! Not bald, but he does have really floppy hair. Very straight, always felt dirty. He'd look so creepy bald.

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  7. Walter is a stud! He looks so snuggly!

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  8. I love your writing but my first time posting...I got divorced 12 years ago and I always say I got rid of a husband and got a dog. A fabulous trade up!! I credit him to enabling me to trust again...a human this time. Someone deserving of my affections, just like my dog.

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    1. Aww Holly. I'm sorry for the tardiness of this reply. But yes, yes and yes. Such a great trade up.

      I'll take stinky ear infections over a lying heartless butthead any day of the week :)

      So happy you found a divorce dog too!

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  9. Dogs ARE the Goddesses answer for divorce and soooo much more!! I've had dogs all my life. Got four right now! Every night I am sandwiched between the two smaller ones. Bliss (esp in the winter!!) I, too, am a divorced (20 😱 yrs) mother of two adult (?) ladies. (22 & 24). I'm great, my girls are great and every dog is great. Btw, great post!! Enjoying catching up on your work. Thanks for putting it out there.
    Lauri

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    1. hi Lauri! I'm sorry this is so late. Four??? That is so awesome! Yep they are better than a set of fleece sheets, aren't they?

      Thank you so much for reading!

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  10. Coincidence, my ex's name is Walter (bad dog)and he's everything ur ex was and more. I don't have a dog but maybe some day.

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    1. Dammit. What a waste of a cool name! Ha! I hope you are recovering from having an ex like mine. They sure make life interesting.

      If you do decide to get a dog, I wish you many cozy couch snuggles and fun walks.

      Thank you so much for reading!

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  11. Walter is pure awesome with a cold nose. My doggies binge watch awful movies with me, don't care if my hair is matted in the back and have never complained about the giant granny sweater and wool socks I'm wearing. Woof.

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    1. Hey Duff, sorry this reply is so late!!

      I'm smiling hard at how much we have in common. I too have a giant granny sweater that never leaves the house. My kids call it my Orca sweater because apparently it makes me look like a beached whale or something ;)

      Hug your sweet pups for me, and thank you so much for reading!

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  12. Just found your post. Love it! I adopted my dog from a shelter right after my divorce in 2009 from
    The Adulterous,Lying Husband. My dog is more loyal and snuggly than the ex will ever be

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    1. AMEN. Makes me wonder if I shouldn't have gone to the Humane Society instead of that downtown Minneapolis bar all those years ago. I bet I would have found someone way more lovable ;)

      Thanks so much for reading! And hugs to you and your pup.

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