10 Ways My Dog Trumps My Ex Husband

Oh no! A listicle! I know, they are the lowest common denominator in the writing world. They are to writing as McDonald's is to food: fast, cheap and they just kind of make you feel like less of a human whether you're the one reading, writing or eating it. I KNOW.

But sometimes a lady is in bed, and starts thinking and it's late and maybe she's had a glass of wine (only because the beef stew she made needed a half cup of it and who can pour just a half cup?). And maybe she's making herself giggle thinking of all the ways her dog totally kicks ass as a life force when compared to the person to whom she was once betrothed.

That lady is me, that dog is my beloved Walter and these, my dear friends, are ten ways Walter trumps Big Daddy:

1. He's fixed. Enough said, amirite?

2. He's loyal as a...well, doy. As a dog. Walter's got my back, and if I'm laying down, he's usually got my side and part of my front as well. He's a warm yellow blankie. Dude won't leave me, except to chase squirrels and if someone has food. But he always comes back.

3. When I can't find Walter late at night, I don't worry that he's hunkered downstairs, texting some floozy. He most likely heard someone opening the fridge and had to investigate.

4. He spends time with the kids. (burn? yes. If the flame fits...)

5. He's honest. You always know where you stand with a dog. They either like you or they don't.

6. He listens. He really does! He'll look at me when I'm talking and even though my brain knows all he's hearing is BLAHBLAHWALTERBLAHBLAHWALKBLAHBLAHBLAHTREAT my heart knows if he could talk back, he'd sound like John Goodman and be full of funny anecdotes and loving platitudes.

7. He loves me no matter what phase I'm in. Of course he likes Exercising Jenny a great deal because LOTS OF WALKS but he also chills with Couch Jenny because WARM YELLOW BLANKIE. This past weekend Showtime had their Free Preview and I watched approx. 200 hours of the show The Affair. Have you watched it? Jesus. Except for the money and the murder it's way too much like my story. Walter watched with me and every time I muttered "oh my god what an asshole" he looked at me with his soulful brown eyes and basically was saying, "I know, right??"

8. When I undress in front of him or he walks in on me while I'm using the bathroom, there is zero critical judgment. He doesn't jiggle my arms or make a cutting remark and has never once exclaimed "UNLEASH THE FEEDBAGS!" (you think I'm kidding, don't you?). Although I did confess to my friend Danielle that sometimes I get a little freaked out because what if Walter is one of my relatives or a hot guy reincarnated? I will admit to sometimes saying to Walter, "Please look away" during more intimate moments.

9. Feeding him is so easy. He's never once pushed a dish away because it contained celery and by God I have never had to make tater tot hot dish for him. Haven't made that ish in 8 years! Rejoice! He is pretty gassy, though. They have that in common.

10. Walter has yet to break my heart, or the hearts of my children. I know he will someday, and I try to not think about that. But you know what? The love and memories we'll have of this wonder dog are so vast and beautiful. We will take so much comfort in that. So, I guess his legacy trumps, as well.

This is, of course, a farcical post. I know Walter is just a dog and not a replacement for human companionship. But I call him my Divorce Dog because we got him from the Humane Society shortly after the divorce was finalized in December of 2006. He's approximately the same age as my divorce. And truth be told, I also call him my Divorce Dog because he saved me. He showed me (and the kids) how much love we still had to give and how worthy we were of love in return.

Good boy.