Stuff I Think of on a Thunderstormy Saturday

I'm sitting on the Golden Girls Porch of Love, drinking some of my special homemade iced coffee (no, there isn't booze in, that's NOT what makes it special) and listening to a spectacular thunderstorm/downpour. This is the best spot to be on a stormy Saturday morning. I thought I'd share some of my musings with you while it rains.

1. Today is my William's birthday. I wrote a little birthday essay for him earlier this year in order to have a complete set for my manuscript. As of this moment, I have four teenagers. I didn't really think about that back in my breeding days, did I? They were all so cute and chubby and funny. I've been going through a little stress with William lately, the brain knows it's just hormone/teenager/puberty developmental stuff but the heart hurts more than a little. Like I told my friend in the teacher's lounge over lunch the other day, "Parenting is hard!". Understatement of the year. P.S. Thanks for listening to me, Joyce.

2.  Do you watch The Voice? I'll say I don't, but I really do. Rather, I eavesdrop on it when Molly has it on. Is it just me or does Blake Shelton always look like he smells something icky? And how awesome is it when one of the contestants speaks Spanish and Shakira starts gabbing with them in Espanol? I wish I knew another language. And Adam Levine. Is he hot, or is he not? I can't decide. He reminds me of every cool popular boy I ever had a crush on, who wouldn't give me the time of day. Unless they wanted some intel on one of my hot friends. Screw you, Adam. She may have great hair but she doesn't GET how funny Bill Murray is, like I do. Oops. Sorry. Got lost in thought there for a minute.

3.  Yesterday, as I was walking into school, a friend of mine stopped me and said, "There's a whole bunch of porn downloaded on my laptop." At first I was like, "Okay!" thinking she was telling me where to find it if I needed it. And then it dawned on me that she was telling me one of her kids had done it.  Refer to my understatement of the year above. Parenting really is hard. Also, my friend has no idea how to delete the files now. I told her I'd ask around. Meaning, I'll ask Charlie.

4. File this one under my oddball crushes: there is a State Farm commercial that depicts a married man whispering into the phone in the middle of the night. The wife busts him, and demands to speak to "Jake from State Farm" (complete with air quotes). I love that commercial, and I have a sick wanting of the husband in it. Imagine my delight when I saw that same couple in a new commercial for something else. I actually gasped and poor Henry, who happened to be in the room with me, had to listen to me joyfully recap how great I think it is that my boyfriend from the State Farm commercial is branching out. Henry left the room, but not before saying: "I think you may watch too much t.v., mom."

Henry may be right.

5. You know I'm always on the lookout for a great hand lotion. Whenever I have a little extra cash, I like to try a new brand. Oh yeah..I know some women buy new purses or jewelry when they have some change jingling in their pockets. I buy hand lotion. Because that's how my broke ass rolls, ladies. Anyhoo...I bought a bottle of this stuff:

Because, don't you think corn huskers would totally have chapped, dry hands? And if there's a lotion made just for them, surely it will rock.

But, it doesn't. In fact, putting it on my poor dry hands was a painful experience. It felt like hand sanitizer (which I can't stand, by the way). I checked the label and the third ingredient is: alcohol. Apparently corn huskers want their hands to be red and sting. So then my homie Danielle turned me on to this:

I could go on a tangent about udders and my years of breastfeeding, but I won't. I will say that I love this stuff. It smells a little like baby lotion, too, which every peri-menopausal mother of four teenagers loves. When I'm feeling stressed I smell my hands and it brings me back to the days of soft baby butts and shiny pink gummy smiles that melted my heart. Of course, then someone will yell "MOM! We're out of toilet paper in the downstairs bathroom!" and reality crashes back in but you know what? My hands are soft. It's all good.

6.  Did I tell you guys about my recent windfall? I got $3,000.00 as part of a nationwide settlement against some of the banks that were behind the spate of foreclosures over the past few years. Including mine. Of course, since the universe has a twisted sense of humor, the check went to Big Daddy. One night I was downstairs, doing laundry, when William came prancing down and announced, "Our dad is at the front door. He wants to see you." I thought he was kidding at first, but lo and behold..there he was, goatee on his face and a damp check in his hand (it was drizzling out). "Hey!" he said, like we were old friends who hadn't seen each other for a while. "Hey! I don't know if you've heard about this settlement thing, for people who lost their homes?". I looked at him. I wanted to say, "Oh you mean PEOPLE LIKE ME? Like your KIDS? YEAH I'VE HEARD A LITTLE BIT ABOUT THAT". But instead I just said, "Yeah, I have." He held the check up and said, "For some reason this came to my house, and it's made out to both of us." I squinted in the dim light of the front steps. Yep. There we were. The both of us. "I will sign it, but first I need you to sign this little note I drew up." He passed over a handwritten document that said something about how me, the undersigned, absolved he, the other guy, of any taxes or other fees that would come of this financial bounty. "You're going to have to pay taxes on this next year," he explained to me, slowly and carefully as if explaining  to a feeble old lady how she's going to be placed in a nursing home but not to worry.

So of course I signed it, knowing that this was all I was ever going to see as far as losing my house was concerned. Knowing full well that this $3,000.00 was going to cost me about $1,500.00 on my taxes next year, which left me with $1,500.00 of hush money to spend as I saw fit. Because I have a bunch of kids and money is money, you know? I guess in the end it means that in exchange for losing my home, going bankrupt and having my credit ruined I got $1,500.00.  Sounds like a deal to me!

I hated him at that moment. I hated the fact that he was holding this money over my head, like you hold a treat over a dog in order to get her to sit or roll over. I hated seeing his handwriting, hated seeing the "X" he drew, pointing out where I was supposed to sign. Hated myself because at that moment, one of the things I was thinking about was, "I look so fat".

So I took that cash money and put it in the bank. I spent $250 of it on a Samsung Chromebook. Because my laptop was dying.  I hate spending money, have I mentioned that? It kills me to do it. The whole time the guy at Best Buy was ringing me up (isn't that a quaint term now, 'ringing me up'?) I kept thinking "Oooh jeeze I shouldn't spend this. I shouldn't spend this." Going broke does a number on your mind. Makes you kind of kooky as far as money is concerned.

Now I have the Chromebook, and while it's lightyears better than my old dying Dell, it leaves a lot to be desired. But it's tiny and I can now sit in bed, watch old episodes of Psych on Netflix and get all writery. To quote the farmer in Babe:

That'll do, pig.  That'll do.  It will do for now.

And that WILL do it for me. It's stopped raining, and I have a birthday boy to love up..hormones and all.

Have a wonderful weekend, my friends.