4/29/13

Forgiving Your Ex-Husband is Hard...what about The Other Woman?


Last week I wrote a little musing about how I seem to have mysteriously forgiven my ex-husband. Believe you me...this was a shock.  I never saw it coming, and I would have laughed in your face had you told me that one day I would reach this point, this good, healing spot.  I've heard from a lot of women, women so much like me, who aren't ready yet. I can feel the pain in their words, the anger and the sadness is tangible and heartbreaking. I know what that feels like. My advice to them is this: Don't rush it. Don't feel guilty or ashamed that you are not ready to forgive. Don't let anyone tell you what you should be feeling, or that what you're feeling is wrong or vindictive or bad. When you're ready, it will happen.

One comment, though, has been stuck in my mind, playing over and over like a stupid Ke$ha song (DJ turn it up up up up...sorry).  It was from an anonymous reader, and it went like this:

And another follow up question, Jenny. What about Secretary? Do you find forgiveness for her? I have nothing but anger and outrage for my ex's OW. Even more anger fueled by the fact that she herself was divorced from her cheating first husband. So, I am not anywhere near forgiveness, or even pity for her. Do you think the need for forgiveness extends beyond the person you thought you built your life with? Thanks again for you and your writing!


To be honest, I hadn't given my very own personal Other Woman, known here as Secretary, much thought. Oh, don't get me wrong: I feel some hatred for her. I don't toss the "hate" word around very much, but there's no question about it this time. I hate what she did to my family, I hate the fact that she's in my children's lives, I hate how she nabbed my husband right out from under my nose. I hate that she gets to call my former in-laws "family" and I have to call them "former". I hate that she sleeps soundly, and most likely doesn't wake up at 3 in the morning fraught with worry over her future or the future of her child. I hate that my heart hitches in my chest, still, when I see a car like hers in the parking lot of the grocery store, or when I say her name (unfortunately Secretary has a very common name, and it took me a couple of years before I could say it out loud...students at my school who have that name were addressed as "Sweetie" or "Hey girl!" for a looong time).

So yeah. I guess when discussing forgiveness, it's only natural that The Other Woman comes up.

The first issue I'll address is this question posed by Anonymous: 

"Do you think the need for forgiveness extends beyond the person you thought you built your life with?"

Short and simple answer: Nope. The only person I think you truly NEED to forgive is your ex. You need to forgive him for one simple reason, and that is for YOU. Your mental health, your physical health, your very life depends upon that one.  You need to forgive him, no matter how huge of an asshole he is, no matter how many ways and in how many different positions he screwed you over.  And as I've said before, when you do finally forgive Mr. Wonderful, it's not for him. Honestly, he most likely doesn't care, because that's the kind of guy he is. He's moved on, emotionally, so long ago and so far away that even the best CSI team couldn't find traces of him anymore. No, my dears, you forgive him because it helps you.  That's why you NEED to forgive him.

Her? The Other Woman? That homewrecking trollop? She doesn't need your forgiveness any more than she needs a conscience. She's achieved so much already without either one of those things. Does she want your forgiveness? I don't know that either, but I'm guessing not. She, like your ex, has moved on. Any pangs of guilt or shame have obviously been stifled.  She took what she needed from you, and most likely didn't even send a thank you note.

So, NO. You don't need to forgive her. I told Anonymous that in my case, I don't think enough of Secretary to care. I believe I used the words "She is beneath my contempt." Obviously, given the paragraph I just wrote about hating, that's not entirely true. But the hatred I feel for her is so different from what I felt for Big Daddy. It's not a painful hatred, intertwined with messy memories and goopy sentiment. It's cold and impersonal.  

In fact, now that I'm thinking on this one, I would like to replace the word "hate" with "disdain". To hate someone implies that there was, at one time, love. Love, or some other form of familiarity... there was once a connection of some kind. For this woman, this stranger who happened into my life, there was never any love.  We had one thing in common, and that happened to be that we both liked my husband.

However, underneath that disdain I feel, there is something else.  I don't know that I can call it pity, or sympathy...but it kind of feels like both of those.

To quote Mr. T, "I pity the fool." I feel badly for her sometimes. Only because since my divorce, I've seen the seamy underbelly of marriage. Not only my diseased marriage, but others as well.  I've been on the receiving end of tipsy texts from married men, listened to them complain about their sexless lives and their child-centered wives. Heard about how they "aren't getting what they need" and that they're only staying married for the kids.

I can see just how easy it would be to slip into the role of The Other Woman. I'm not defending the women who do go on and become her, I'm just saying: I kind of get it. I understand how it would be so simple, you are a young (or not so young), gullible woman, most likely with some issues of your own, and here is this guy in front of you, this great guy.  He's so sad about his life, and golly, he says just talking to you helps him feel better. I mean, really- you're actually helping someone in need when you decide to sleep with this poor fella.  Because the picture he paints of his marriage, of his wife and his home life, it ain't pretty.

So yeah. I have a tiny inkling of how a woman can become The Other. Married men who stray can talk a good game, a fun game, an exciting game. That nameless, faceless wife of his, and his anonymous gaggle of children...they actually kind of deserve to feel a little pain. After all, they've been taking this wonderful husband and father for granted.

What I don't understand, and hope to God that I'll never understand, is how The Other Woman can stick around after the wife and kids aren't so anonymous.  I'll never forget the first time a married guy put the moves on me (you can read all about Handsy here).  Yes, there was a momentary tingle, a little bit of "OMG, someone thinks of me in that way again!".  But man...after that feeling came the images of his wife and child. That sick, guilty feeling (even though I had done nothing wrong) washed over me and common sense kicked in.

That's where my understanding, and my empathizing, ends.  And that's also why I don't think forgiving The Other Woman is necessary.  Some of you may do it eventually, some of you probably already have.

Me? Forgiving my ex-husband took almost 7 years. I figure this one can wait.




34 comments:

  1. Thank you for this. Very nicely written.

    I often remind myself that the OW did not have a commitment to me. My husband did. Yes, I knew her, and she looked me in the face, during the time she was sleeping with my husband, and lied to me. But she never promised me to be faithful. She was stuck trying to wade through the lies and the crap she was being fed by him, while going through her own whatever she was going through.

    Don't get me wrong - she and I will likely never be friends, and I have very little (if any) respect for her. But I've likely forgiven her, or at least feel sorry enough for her that it's like forgiveness.

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    1. Rebecca, you make a great point: technically, she broke no vows.

      I like to think, however, that as WOMEN we have a set of unwritten rules. I know it's naive to think that all women support each other and want to do the right thing. But gosh, wouldn't that be nice?

      Thanks so much for your input.

      Jenny

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  2. This is so powerful. I'm happily married and can scarcely fathom what it's like to be in your shoes... except that your writing is so poignant that I kind of feel like I CAN imagine what it's like to be in your shoes... beautifully written, and I am sorry for the pain that permits such moving words.

    And hell no I wouldn't ever forgive that skank. Disgusting.

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    1. Aww thanks Kristen. I hope you never know what it feels like, my friend!

      And LOL @skank. Took the words right out of my mouth!

      Thanks so much for your kind words.

      Jenny

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  3. Great post Jenny! And a apropos topic to blog about I've have never been the OW but I came damn close about 20 years ago. The person was engaged when we hooked up a few times. I can't remember why we stopped as I was really into him. But they did get married and they are still together. I'm happy I didn't let myself go there beyond this person when I was sleeping around back then. I would have felt like a total bottom-feeder.

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    1. Thanks Gail! I think you'd be surprised at how many women have come as close as you did. A lot of people believe in that old adage, it's not cheating if they're not married.

      I need to return your 80's earrings!!!

      Thanks so much for reading.

      Jenny

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  4. Hi Jenny,

    Interesting post. Have you ever considered meeting with Secretary for closure? It sounds like you have a lot to say (I'm sure she does too) and it may be beneficial to let it out directly--maybe with a mediator/counselor?

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    1. Maybe after secretary and big daddy get a divorce, ahahah.

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    2. Nikki...I thought about your comment while I was out walking with my dog, and anonymous said what I was thinking.

      I don't think she and I will ever meet in the way you suggest (although I totally agree..it actually would be beneficial). In my selfish little world, she's the wrongdoer...I did nothing to her. If she ever wants to chat, she knows where to find me. But I think I can live out the rest of my life just fine without hearing her side of things.

      Personally, I do hope she feels what I've felt someday. Even if it's just a tiny bit. She kinda deserves that.

      Thanks so much for reading!

      Jenny

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  5. The lack of morals in the world astounds me. My husband's OW told me via chat (the one time that I talked to her) that she cared about him too much to give him up when she found out he was married? Seriously? Did that sound better in your head because that's just a disgusting excuse to say that you don't give a shit about values, morals, decency and goodness. I wrote a blog about the OW. http://dowehavetotellthekids.blogspot.com/2013/04/the-other-woman.html

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    1. Kay! I can't believe you chatted with your OW. I think she's in for a very rude awakening...and also some expensive co-pays (does one dose of antibiotics cover several STD's???)

      Thanks for chiming in...and may I officially say, "Welcome To The Club".

      Jenny

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  6. I am not quite a year into the secretary and my husband getting caught coming out of a motel together. He has since moved in with his secretary and I guess they are living happily ever after. I have had so many people talk to me about how I HAVE to forgive and move on. My therapist, however, says I can not even begin to think about forgiveness until after the anger has been worked through. It's so difficult to believe that there was this man you made a promise to and trusted only for him to betray you. Thank you for being so honest because I am no where close to being able to forgive him. And, I can see where it is going to be a long process. Again, thank you for sharing your experience; it really helps.

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    1. Hi JoanEllen! I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm glad, though, that you've found a smart and compassionate therapist. She/he is SO right...that anger has to be dealt with before forgiveness can happen.

      Don't rush it, and don't you feel bad for even one second if you can't fathom forgiveness right now. For now, you work on yourself. That's what matters right now.

      Thank you so much for reading, and for chiming in.

      Jenny

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  7. That was wonderfully well written. In my younger years I was both the other and the wife left behind. I"m honestly not certain which felt worse. Yes, as the other I was in the situation voluntarily, but with very deep feelings for the man, and on the receiving end of the same old sob story. She doesn't understand me. She doesn't love me. I am waiting till she gets that job so I don't leave her in the lurch. Etc. But I felt so guilty about it that I had to end it. And, shocker, he is still with her. As the wife, I had no control over it, and I found some peace in the fact that I hadn't done anything wrong.

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    1. Oh Beth. Thank you for sharing your experience! Were you "the other woman" before you were married?

      I'm with you on the peace thing. One thing I held dear after my marriage ended was the PRIDE I felt, knowing I had done my best as a wife. And that I hadn't done anything wrong.

      Thank you so much for chiming in!

      Jenny

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  8. So honest, so true. Some say we can't go forward until we forgive, but I don't agree. True forgiveness takes a long time, maybe never, and acceptance is sometimes the only achievable state. I saw my first husband's lover (she was married with two children) in the grocery store one day, totally unexpected. I felt a surge of anger at her that was so great, I literally felt like ramming my cart into her with huge force. I saw it all in my mind ... pinning her to the wall with my cart. I'm not sure I ever forgave either of them, but once the anger grew less, your blend of "pity and sympathy" seems to be very close to what the feelings are that I became comfortable living with. Maybe just, a sort of tolerance for the fact of our human-ness.

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    1. Hey Becky! I think we all have our own, personalized, versions of "forgiveness". And reaching a state of tolerance may be right up there with forgiveness..maybe even the equivalent?

      To this day I have visions of driving up to Big Daddy's house and throwing shit at it. Like actual dog poop.

      Thanks so much for chiming in, my friend.

      Jenny

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  9. I feel the same way... the other woman is beneath my contempt. She is not even worth the time and energy to think about very much at all. It also helps that I don't have to see her ;) Do I forgive her? I don't really care either way if I have or haven't. I was always more angry at my husband than her... she didn't make me any vows, claim to love me, lie to my face. She wasn't my best friend or the parent of my children. She is just a young, dumb, and broke girl (who did have her own husband and child). I even felt pity for her for about 5 minutes... during my attempt at reconciliation and when I thought she might actually do the right thing and get out of our lives. I even tried to help her with her own situation during those 5 minutes. But turns out she's one of those woe is me people that likes to complain about their circumstances, believes that she is trapped by her circumstances, and that it's impossible to do anything about them. So, she can stay that way for all I care... and so can my woe is me ex husband. (that's the hilarious thing, I was the one cheated on and destroyed and he's the one playing the victim) I will just go on and make a better (ie. happier) life for myself.

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    1. Gahhh! Mine played victim too! I agree...that's hilarious. I'm thinking financial ruin and going through and emotional tsunami trumps whatever wrongs have been done to those asshats.

      You go girl...enjoy your new and happier life. We deserve it!

      Jenny

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  10. Jenny, You have come so far in ( 7 years already?)! I am really proud of you! I wish I could have done more for you while you were going thru all this! I am friggen proud of you! Love Ya!

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    1. (((Kelly))) Thank you. Couldn't have done it without the help of friends like you. For reals.

      Love ya right back.

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  11. My ex-husband had an OW as well, and now I get to tell funny stories about her. I call her "The Gym Ho" which makes my friends and I giggle. :) Luckily, though, I didn't have kids at the time. I just had to get through it myself.

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    1. Hey Kristin! I'm so sorry I didn't reply to this sooner. A gym ho, huh? THEY ARE EVERYWHERE. I'm glad you have found the way to make even this sucky situation laughable. It's really the only way to get through it.

      Thanks so much for reading, and for commenting!

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  12. Found your blog after Googling "When your ex-husband marries his affair." Sitting here, reading your posts on forgiveness, I'm both crying and grateful that you saved me from spending this entire Father's day on the couch, alone, watching bad reality TV on demand while the ex, "the intern" and my boys play happy family. I'm also wondering how you got into my brain!! Even though I'm 10 years out, I was concerned if all of this is normal...normal that I STILL cannot bring myself to forgive the intern when I've come to forgive the ex in my own capacity. Like one of the other commenters said, she promised me nothing. Yet, I was triggered all over the place when she, yet again, sat "with the parents" at my son's 8th grade graduation this weekend. However, I also agree with you...it's almost like she broke some "women's code," which runs very deep, almost on a primal level. Well, at least that's how it feels to me. Anyway, thank you for your insights and for sharing your story.

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    1. Well..I'm not glad you're in the same boat, but I'm glad you found some comfort here! I'm shocked, too, at how long it's taking me to process everything. Just when I think, "Whew, that's it, I've figured everything out" something new (or usually, something old) will trip me up.

      I love what you said about the Women's Code. SO TRUE. It's like the unwritten rule about not dating a friend's ex. I wish I had thought about that when writing this post...fits in perfectly.

      I hope that the rest of your Father's Day is good, and PLEASE watch some reality t.v. for me! Our big t.v. died last week and I'm going through withdrawal!

      Thank you so very much for stopping by to say hello, and for sharing your story. None of us are alone in this :)

      Jenny

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    2. And um..HOLY SHIT. Lady, you are buff! Is that what biking will do? I am buried in a fat suit right now...shame at how big I've gotten is actually mentally keeping me from getting my big butt back to the gym. You are an inspiration! Way to go :)

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  13. Ha! Thanks, but it's a good photo...and in my genes and it's my job....oh how my 42 year old self wants my 25 year old body back! You'll get there (I read that post, too). I recently read a great article about how the fitness biz is doing a great disservice by perpetuating an image that makes people who legitimately want to get (back) in shape feel insecure about stepping in the gym. Someone recently asked me how I deal with all the bullshit around the ex and the intern and I answered: "lots of therapy, wine and spinning."

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  14. I was a WS and OW. I think people who are betrayed like to take a broad brush and paint all OW with with the same brush. My affair happened in a social circle. It was based purely on lust and started very slowly with lots of water testing. It came out because I was being someone I was not and couldn't take the guilt anymor so I confessed. My AP proceeded to lie to his W because even though we (my H and I) weren't going to tell his W he decided it would be better to paint me as a crazy stalker. As a result and due to social circles she did find out he cheated on her with me.
    She has forgiven him. But she won't even hear my apology. How ca women do that? A code is bullshit. We are all individuals who have different takes on things. To me, if you R with your WS but hold onto hatred to the OP you are lying to yourself. You are lying to yourself about what your ws did. They broke the vows as was said. So, I do think people should be willing to hash it out. I am truly sorry, his bs knows that. My H knows that. But he wants me to be the villian even though He is a seriel cheater and before him I had only had sex with my H.

    Every story is dif. Remember that before picking up the broad brush.

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    1. Okay...first off, I'm having trouble with some of the acronyms.

      OW= Other Woman. Got it.
      H= Husband
      AP= Affair partner?
      R= Reconcile?

      I cannot, for the life of me, figure out WS. Is that Wicked Stepmother? Willie Sniffer?

      Secondly: There are not brushes being used here. I am a firm believer that there are two sides to every story and yes, you are correct, every story is different.

      HOWEVER. Cheating husbands get forgiven because it's good for the soul. The husbands are part of our lives, whether or not the marriage survives. It would be self-destructive to hang onto the affair anger, yes? He is one we had a commitment with, he broke it, we have to find it in our hearts to forgive him. Maybe not to his face, maybe he'll never even know we've forgiven him, but in OUR hearts, and minds..we have.

      The Other Woman...I think there are degrees of Other Woman-ness. In your case, you say "It was based on lust and started very slowly with lots of water testing". See..you are the kind of OW I really cannot find much sympathy for...you deliberately, SLOWLY, and with much thought and maneuvering (because let's face it, finding the time and places to fuck someone's husband takes a lot of planning) decided to become the Other Woman. You knew his wife, and if there are kids involved, YOU KNEW HIS KIDS. What you did is icky and reprehensible. What both of you did is gross. BUT. She has to have that a-hole in her life, no matter what happens. You? You are disposable. Whether or not you remain in her life, in her social circle, makes ZERO difference.

      There are instances where it just happens. Like a light switching off and on. People get drunk, people get lonely, they get temporarily blinded by emotions or drugs or booze, and BAM they find themselves with a married person. That's still wrong, very wrong, but in my mind, a bit easier to understand, and maybe even forgive.

      It's like the difference between accidentally running someone over with your car, and plotting out a murder. Get it? You, my friend, plotted. And that makes it oh-so-hard to find forgiveness.

      I'm not saying that women (and men) who do this are bad people. It's not up to me, or anyone, really, to judge others. But it is up to us to decide if forgiveness is warranted, or needed.

      Women in my shoes, who have been betrayed by two people, our husbands, and the woman who willingly, knowingly and eagerly participated in a relationship that ultimately destroyed a marriage...we own the right to decide.

      In my case, there is zero reason to "hash it out" with the woman who helped ruin my marriage. She and I have nothing to talk about. I don't wish bad things upon her, and I cannot say whether or not she's a bad person. But I know what she did. And I bear the scars of her bad choices. Worse yet, so do my kids.

      That is why I have banished her into my forgiveness limbo. She doesn't deserve it.

      You closed with this: "But he wants me to be the villian (sp) even though He is a seriel (sp) cheater"..honey, it sounds to me like you have some bigger issues in your life other than whether or not the woman whose husband you screwed will be your buddy.

      Jenny

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    2. Ooooh!! Is it Wayward Spouse??????? I think I got it!

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  15. First, I'm SO sorry you were so deeply hurt and betrayed. Infidelity is wrong, no matter who cheated or why. With that said, blaming the OW or holding her in disdain is like kicking and blaming the dog for getting in the way out of frustration after getting a speeding ticket and crappy day at work. The marriage was in trouble long before she ever came along.

    As women, we cheer, support and rally behind those who are battling devastating illnesses with a spirit of positive determination & hope. They're lives are on the line, yet they find the strength to pick up the pieces, tolerate difficult treatments and overcome disease with courage. They find strength from being positive. Divorce is emotionally devastating, but it won't kill us. I think there's something to be learned or at least considered here.

    When our hearts and families are shattered, we can choose to pick up the pieces with bitterness and blame or with a grateful heart and positive determination that we can and will survive through the pain and tragedy of divorce.

    I was happily married but after 10 yrs, my husband went through his mid life crisis and decided he wanted a divorce. We were both working full time, in school, and taking care of elderly dying parents. I did nothing wrong in the marriage. In fact, I was I thought I was doing everything right to make a better life for us. So I was furious for years. Those years were wasted and for what?

    Some couples put the kids before the marriage.With us, our careers took over, we got busy and we grew apart. Was it unfair? Hell yes! Did I deserve it? Hell no! But when the dust settled, (several yrs)I realized that if I was ever going to have a happy life again, I had to let the resentment go. Regardless of when they met, blaming him for moving on before I was ready to or holding hard feelings for some woman, was not going to bring him back or the preciousness of my marriage. He and I both neglected our marriage, and like a neglected puppy, he wandered off. Not because I failed or was rejected; we both just lost focus of what was most important, me included. Painful lesson learned.

    Accepting my role in my divorce (shattered life) took years, and was a bitter pill. But, it was empowering because I learned to keep my eye on the ball with what REALLY matters to me.

    After almost another decade, I'm now the second wife, with kids and careers, and full plates. Ironically, I'm loathed by his ex because he moved on before she was ready.

    When our hearts get broken, we all have to work through the pain in our way and in our own time. But I'm not giving my ex or his new wife any more negative energy or space in my heart. That space is precious. I loved him with all my heart, but my happiness is here now, not in the past.I love myself enough to forgive him, forgive myself, and yep, to forgive her too.




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    1. Anonymous:

      Thank you. Key words in your comment:

      "Accepting my role in my divorce (shattered life) took years, and was a bitter pill. But, it was empowering because I learned to keep my eye on the ball with what REALLY matters to me.

      After almost another decade, I'm now the second wife, with kids and careers, and full plates. Ironically, I'm loathed by his ex because he moved on before she was ready. "

      It takes time! Yes indeed.

      I don't disagree with what you're saying. At all! In fact, I agree with most of what you've written here.

      HOWEVER. I don't give the other woman ANY energy: negative, positive, whatever. Like I said, she's nothing to me. Granted, at first? I was bitter. Mad. Sad. All of that. I think that's natural and I think it takes a while for those feelings to fade. But now I'm very neutral. I neither loathe her or nor love her. I owe her nothing, and that's exactly what I give.

      I don't think that means I love myself any less than you love yourself.

      But, who knows? I'm already more healed now than I was when I originally wrote this. Time does wonders.

      Thank you so much for taking the time to comment, and for sharing your story.

      Jenny

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  16. My best friend reminded me again today, that forgiveness is key. I told her that I feel like I have forgiven him but, strangely enough, not her. I can explain the logic of that but she understood (that's what best friends do, right?). Coincidentally, this article came up again today right as I needed to read it! Thank you!!!

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  17. I have been the OW. I was 18, he was 41. And even though I was young and naive, I knew it was horribly, horribly wrong. After he finally convinced me to sleep with him (after 2 years), we parted ways. That was 30 years ago and I have never, ever forgiven myself. He remains in the marriage to this day, even though his wife knew about the affair. I have reached out to her on several occasions over the years, practically begging her to forgive me. There is never a response. And while I suppose I deserve none, it would be nice. In contrast, I have a very good friend whose husband cheated on her. She has waited 10 years for the OW to ask for forgiveness and says she cannot forgive unless asked and wonders why the OW won't reach out. I want to tell her I know the reason. Such tangled webs we weave.

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