Ten on Tuesday, a day late. And Happy Fourth of July!

It's Fourth of July, aka Independence Day....time to eat a lot of food and sit out in the sun with a full belly, sweating and trying desperately to ignore the constant trickle of sweat that is meandering down the valley in your backside created by your big butt being crammed into a too-small lawnchair.  Or maybe that's just me?  No matter.  Whatever you're doing today, be it boating or grilling or just staying inside where the air conditioning is plentiful, please stop and take a moment or two to give thanks to those who have ensured that we have independence to celebrate.  Lots of lives were lost in the pursuit of, and the ongoing assurance of, this freedom.  And right now, all around this big beautiful world, are men and women who continue to keep us safe and free.

But now, back to the bitching about the heat.

I've held it together thus far, even with temperatures going over 100 degrees and the fact that the Grown Up Little Tykes car I drive DOES NOT HAVE FUNCTIONING A/C.  Yes, I was yelling.  I could take it in, and have it fixed, I suppose, but being that it's summer and I'm settling in for an interesting child support battle (yawn, right?) I've decided that the few hundred dollars it would cost could be better spent on other things.  Like my electricity bill, and feeding my kids.  Whenever it gets bad, like the other day when I waddled into Office Max and it slowly dawned on me that I had visible butt sweat marks on the seat of my faded yoga pants, I just mutter to myself, "This is a  First World Problem...." and then I go home and read about something like the Rwanda genocides.  That's when I realize that driving around in a hot car isn't such a huge pain.

And yes, I have now referenced butt sweat twice.  Sorry.  Just be thankful I'm not describing what I find in my cleavage after a day of driving and sweating.  Because that's a whole 'nother realm of awfulness.

I've been lazy with posting, I blame myself and to some extent, my kids.  We are down to one functioning computer in my house and that happens to be my old pink Dell.  I've tried blogging from my phone but since that stupid Swype keyboard has a habit of changing seemingly innocent words like "party" into "pussy", and cannot recognize the words "last" (which invariably becomes LSAT, because yeah I reference law school so much) and "Hey" into "Get", I stopped trying almost immediately.  So, I've been fighting for screen time with Henry, who likes to watch clips from NBA games on YouTube for hours at a time, and Charlie, who apparently likes to sit and refresh his facebook for hours at a time.  William is an anomaly and is usually outside.  Molly has her own laptop so I guess it could be worse.  That's my excuse.

So here's the Ten:

1.  I came home the other night and found my stainless steel martini shaker on the coffee table.  It had some lemonade left in it.  William walked in and said, "What? We were shaking our lemonade."  I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.  I think I did a little bit of both.

2.  Yes, I saw Magic Mike.  And yes, I have something to say about it.  Soon.  After I can get the image of Matthew McConaughey's ass crack and swinging, thong-encased package out of my head.  Because listen, I love me some MM but I don't need to see anybody's body from that angle.  Bottom line (pun intended):  I loved it.  Go see it with some ladies, a big old group if you can.  And try to block out the fact that, if you're my age, you could have easily birthed at least two of the strippers. 

3.  Obamacare?  I'm going to admit my utter ignorance.  I have no idea what it means.  I just know that half of my facebook friends were all, "Yeah!  Thank God!!" and the other half were all "This is the end."  I figure I'm going to be somewhere in between those, if I ever figure out what it all means.

4.  If we're friends on facebook you've already seen this but it made me laugh, so here is it again:

                                                   "I used to put kids in these little seats." 

5.  My friend Danielle doesn't know this yet, but my friend Gillian and I have decided to cast Louis C.K. as Danielle's husband Charlie in the Happy Hausfrau Movie. All we need now is to hear back from Louis.  And a big fat reality check.

6.  Please tell me I'm not the only one who manages to plump up during a heat wave?  How is this even possible?  It's hard to BREATHE, and yet I'm finding the strength to eat.  I'm beginning to think it's time to make my videotape audition for "The Biggest Loser".  Is that still on?

7.  Aging is fun!  Aging when you're part albino is even more fun.  I have white, freckled skin (so sexy, don't I know it) and now I'm discovering what I first thought were syrup blotches on my arms and legs.  Yes, I for reals thought I had blotches of syrup on my skin, even though I can't tell you the last time I ingested maple syrup.  My kids do, though, and therefore I probably sit in syrup several times a day.  But no, no dice.  Not syrup.  It's just weird old person skin.  And yes, I did spend a nice chunk of time on WebMD looking at pictures of skin cancer.  So far I'm just old, not cancerous.  I am, however, regretting those years of slathering my shockingly white body with baby oil in a futile attempt to get tan.

8.  Have I mentioned before that Big Daddy has an in-ground pool at his house?  He does.  And even though I'm pretty sure the only reason he bought a house with a pool was so the kids would want to go over there, and I think he's an asshat, I'm glad the kids have someplace cool to play.  Even if it's only two of my kids, and it's only for 5 or so days a month.  What makes me sad is that I'd be willing to bet he's spent more on that pool than he has on his kids (in both time and money).  But, like I said, at least the kids have some place fun to splash for a few weeks in the summer.  And I'm not bitter at ALL.

9.  Some of my favorite people in this world are servers (or what we lay-people call waiters and waitresses).  I have worn many hats, worked many a job, but have never ever been a server (unless you call throwing bags of peanuts and wrestling half-cans of pop from people in airplanes serving).  I can guarantee you this:  If I ever had to wait tables, I'd be fired within hours.  Probably minutes.  People can be a-holes, but put food in front of them, add some booze...the potential for douchebaggery is infinite.  So I'd like to share with you one of my favorite "new" blogs (I use the ever-annoying quotation marks because I've read this blog before but now am a regular reader).  It's called Bitchy Waiter and you can find it here.  Be warned, Bitchy Waiter drops him some f-bombs, but you will most likely guffaw out loud.  Especially if you've ever had to be nice to a stupid person.

10.  THANK YOU for your post suggestions for my book-in-progress (so far it's a word document with about 40 words in it, ha).  It's wild to see which posts people like, and I'm thrilled to the gills that anything I have written has had an impact on some pretty awesome folks (meaning YOU).  I'll keep you updated on my progress, but I have to tell you, this is a daunting task.  I used to picture myself sitting at a Starbucks, laptop open, fingers flying over the keyboard and a wry, all-knowing smile on my face as I typed out my Great American Novel.  Never thought I'd be sitting on a dumpy Ikea couch, trying to ignore the dog scratching at the back door, the two kids wrestling under my feet and putting things like cleaning and personal hygiene on the way back burner.  It's slow going but progress has been made.

Now I'm working on a title....any suggestions?

Ok people, I managed to invite myself and my brood to a little Fourth of July party, so it's time to take a shower...even though after five minutes in that little silver microwave I call a car, all showers are null and void.  I guess it's the thought that counts.

Be safe, and have a fun Fourth.  Cheers!


  1. Love the 10 - here's mine:
    1. We had a fire in our kitchen in April (dishwasher...don't be like me and start yours up before you leave the house). Things are coming along splendidly at mi casa that I'm not living in right now, and I hope to be moved back in by the end of this month.
    2. We are goig to Cedarpoint in a couple days for some fun riding rollercoasters that only one person in our party of four really enjoys. My palms sweat just thinking about it so yeah, you can bet your next check, this chicka ain't gettin on! Except the Mine Ride...that one I will ride.
    3. The fireworks on the lake (yes, our insurance rented out a house on a lake 5 minutes from the casa I'm not currently residing in...I know, I know, just like the song...I'm Living a Charmed Life) are killing the family dog. Killing. him. One just went off...he's a small ball.
    4. I'm drinking a glass of Traverse City sweet red wine RIGHT NOW after watching my people FINALLY leave the house to go to the beach. It's 95 degrees out. I'm not going...and anyway, it's a lake. I prefer my water with some chemicals, thankyouverymuch. I wish you were here having a glass with me.
    5. Life on the Cul*de*Sac. I always thought if I wrote a book that is what I'd name it (that's my blog that hasn't been touched in two years). You should run with it - goodness knows I won't be writing anything soon. Make sure you include your old cul*de*sac cronies. I spell my name Judy - no i...and no s.
    6. I finally caved and kissed Sam's Club goodbye (ok, the free membership from work is going away so I had to do something!) and bought a membership at Costco. Big mistake. Huge. (name that movie).
    7. I admire you for coming up with 10 things. I'm at 7 and wondering what on earth I could possibly add.
    8. I went to the grocery store today for a 'few' things and dropped my jaw when she told me the total. Initially I thought I was hearing wrong as I do have slight hearing loss. Turns out that loss isn't so bad after all!
    9. I am without all of my "stuff" from mi casa (except clothes and some other personal items we could grab before everything was packed up and moved off site for cleaning) so I'm resorting to frozen cookie dough from Trader Joes that I will have waiting when my people return from the beach.
    10. I won't actually be ingesting said cookies because once again I'm trying to work on that fluffy stuff hanging out on my backside. There are days when I think having one's jaw wired shut isn't really so bad.

    Your friend and mine,


    1. Oh Jusy!!! A fire??? I'm so glad you guys are all ok!! Sounds like you have some kick ass insurance, my friend. A charmed life, indeed!

      The movie, of course, is Pretty Woman. God help me, I could watch that one over and over and over. For some reason Julia Roberts braying like a horse doesn't bother me in that one.

      Oh how I wish I could sit down with you and share some wine! Some day. Had I known you'd be living on a lake this summer, I would have made some travel arrangements.

      Jaw wiring sounds good. I cannot stop stuffing my piehole. Cannot. Stop. One of these days I think I'll just simply run out of clothes that fit. And then I'll stop.

      Oh how I miss your wit and warmth my friend. Good to hear from you. Hope you are back home soon!

  2. Oh...and thanks for telling us about the waiter blog. I'm sitting in the house by myself (in others words, in heaven) cracking up! I'm sure the people coasting sllooowwwlllyyy by in their pontoon boats (get a life people!) are wondering as they peer in my windows what the fluffy chick at the desk is in hysterics about.

    Jusy...again. (I just read the one about the guy at the table who had $15 worth of grub but a cheap azz friend suggested they split the bill however many ways so they all end up paying $28. I'd be telling that friend to go jump in the lake (no pun intended). I think what the waiter would have said is funnier!

    1. Isn't he a hoot? He was on Dr. Phil today, they had a segment about restaurants that are banning kids. Guess what he had to say about it?

  3. 1. Ha, that's pretty funny. I've done that.
    2. I love MM but I'm most excited about seeing Joe Manganiello in almost nothing. That man is delicious.
    3. Personally I could care less about this kind of political stuff. Half always hates it, the other half loves it. No one's ever happy.
    4. That's better than kids IMO :)
    5. That guy's pretty damn funny.
    6. OMG, me too! And, yes that show's still on. They were casting in SoCal this month.
    7. Glad you dont have skin cancer, just skin that looks like your slathered in syrup haha.
    8. Be bitter, you have every right to be hon.
    9. Dude, I'd suck at being a waitress cause if someone was an asshat to me I'd be a total bitch back. Thanks for the blog link, I needed something new to read :)
    10. I love the fact that you're writing a book, even if you are doing it slowly. You should totally treat yourself to some Starbucks writing time.

    Thanks for joining the 10 on Tues fun, sweets. Your blog posts are always so much fun to read.

    1. Lin, some days it IS better than kids. Just a little tiny bit.

      And lady get your ass to that movie. They don't show NEARLY enough of Joe, but what you see is pretty awesome.

      Enjoy Bitchy Waiter, you'll never look at servers the same again!

      I'm sorry I forgot to link up to your blog..I need to go revise that!

      Thanks for reading!!


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