Summer Rules For My Kids

Follow these rules, inmates, and we'll get along just fine.

1. If you can wipe your own ass, you can make a damn sandwich yourself.

2. Two things in this house require lifting: mommy's boobs and any toilet seat being used by a boy.

3. If you have a strong desire to be yelled at, stand at the door of the bathroom while I'm chiseling soap scum off the tub or cleaning up pools of urine around the toilet and tell me you're bored.

4. If you still have a strong desire to be yelled at after that, stand in the kitchen while I unload $200.00 worth of groceries and tell me that "our food sucks" or "we don't have anything good to eat". I dare you.

5. If you need to tell me something or ask me something, find me. Simply staying where you are and screaming is a good rule for when we get separated at the State Fair, not so much at home.

6. See that pretty yellow dog staring out the window? When we rescued him from his concrete cell at the Humane Society I distinctly remember several short people promising to help care for him. The leash and the poop bags are in the front closet.

7. By now you all know about my sick and closeted love of doing laundry. That doesn't mean I love watching you run around outside with socks on your feet. Socks off or shoes on, man. It's that easy.

8. The last person who took my money without giving me anything in return was my former therapist, who listened to me cry about my life for an hour and then closed our session by saying, "You need to date more." You want money from me, you are going to do something to earn it.

9. Teenagers only: I was 16 once. I know things. You are smart, clever monkey, but so am I. Watch it.

10. Know that for all of my bitching and moaning, I am keenly aware of how brief these lazy summers really are, and I know that someday my toilets will stay pee-free and my fridge will stay full and I will long for these days. Every time I yell out, "WEAR A HELMET!!" or "DRINK MORE WATER" or "I WILL FIND OUT WHO DELETED NY HOUSEWIVES FROM THE DVR IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO!!" I am really saying "I love you."

Now get outside, enjoy this weather. And don't forget your sunscreen.