12/27/12

My New Year Resolution: To Stop Being Divorced!

No, I'm not getting married.  (hoo boy, I have some stuff to discuss on the relationship front, but more about that later..in a blog post tentatively titled "The Blogger and the Bad Butt-dial").

And yes, I am the same woman who has eschewed New Year resolutions in the past.  But here's the deal:  I'm tired of being divorced.  I'm tired of talking about it, writing about it, blaming everything on it. 

It happened, that can't be denied.  Did it hurt?  Hell yes.  Was it fair?  Hell no. 

Does it define me? 

Not anymore.

For the past six years, I have been Divorced.  For a long time, it was pretty much the only thing that you needed to know about me. 

"This is Jenny.  She's divorced."

Everything else was secondary.  The fact that I have four kids, that I can make people laugh, that I'm messy, that I can draw a really good picture of a deer...none of that mattered for a long time. 

It's my fault, really.  No, not the divorce.  I still blame that on my ass of an ex and the troll he was banging.  But letting myself become Divorced Jenny, rather than Just Jenny...that was mostly my doing.  I let it become my personae, my identity.  I talked about it, over wine and at classroom parties and in the grocery store parking lot. If you knew me more than five minutes, you knew I was divorced.  And in some ways, that's okay.  It's to be expected, when one has their heart ripped out, for one to walk around and want to discuss the fact that their heart was ripped out.  Talking about stuff like that is good.  It helps you process things, it lets others know that you're hurting and might need some extra love and maybe some comfort food.  It allows you to work through the grief and the rage. 

I wouldn't have started this blog if I hadn't been Divorced Jenny.  I was getting to that point most of us Divorced People eventually get to, that point where you see eyes starting to glaze over at the mention of the "D" word, where you find yourself repeating scary stories of lawyers and your kids finding lube at daddy's house so much that even your bestest of friends can no longer feign interest.

So I started writing about it, instead.  And that helped.  It not only helped me, more than I could have ever imagined it would, but it helped a lot of other ladies out there. And it still is. Every single day, dozens of women find my stories by typing "what to do when your husband leaves" into Bing or Google.  They stay, sometimes for hours, and peruse my ramblings. Sometimes they leave comments, sometimes they send me an email.  Sometimes they just read.  And that's good.  That's one good thing that came out of me being Divorced Jenny. I've helped some others through their dark moments. 

And writing here has opened a few other doors for me, as well.  Doors of all shapes and sizes, doors I wouldn't have found had it not been for this crazy diary of mine.  So yeah, I can say that being Divorced Jenny hasn't been all bad.

But now it's time for me to start remembering who I really am. Who I was before. Who I am becoming, who I will be. 

Oh yes, I will always be divorced.  But it's my hope that in 2013, and the years that follow, my divorce will end up being something like a bad, tiny tattoo on some hidden slope of my body.  Something I vaguely remember doing, something I may regret...but something that I don't see every time I look in the mirror. 

Enjoy the rest of 2012, my friends.  This year has been a sad one, for many of my friends and for so many in the world.  I hope that the remaining five days in 2012 are peaceful ones, days that we use to remember loved ones who are no longer here and to cherish those who are. 

Divorced Jenny, over and out. 

21 comments:

  1. Jenny,
    Great post. Very inspiring stuff! I can now see why my wife, Frau Doktor Silverman, is a fan of yours! (Btw, I tried commenting on your post on the Huffington Post, but that site ain't right)

    All the best in 2013!

    Greg--

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  2. Aww thanks for reading Greg! Your wife is a beautiful person, it's an honor knowing her. I imagine you must be just as cool...we'll have to hang out sometime!

    I appreciate your kind words.

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  3. Welcome back, "Just" Jenny! I absolutely love that image of the tiny, hidden tattoo! It happened, but it doesn't define Who You Are! I look forward to your 2013 thoughts about life in the new perspective!

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    1. Thanks Becky! Your comments and opinions have made me think, and in turn, have had a big impact on my new perspective. Thank you for that!

      Jenny

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  4. They say the amount of time it takes to fully get over a relationship is half the time you spent together. I like the image of "Just Jenny"--it reminds me of a Mary Tyler Moore/One Day at a Time-type sitcom. I can hear the catchy/inspirational opening theme song, lol!! Good for you, Jenny. I've loved your blog since I discovered it earlier this year. What going on with John McCain?! Dying to find out ;)

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    1. Hmmm..we were together for 15 years. So I guess that means I'm right on track?

      Thank you for your kind words. And stay tuned for a McCain update very soon. It's sadly predictable, but this time there was a slight twist. And it's also a good example of why middle aged ladies shouldn't have smart phones. Or even just kinda-smart phones.

      Thanks for reading :)

      Jenny

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    2. Nikki
      I have not heard that about 1/2 the time.
      Having had a 30 year marriage end, I am not sure I like that idea, although it may be true.
      Jenny, great article, look forward to more updates.
      I asked you some questions on HP, food for thought.
      Was not really expecting a response, at least right away.
      Keep up the good work.

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    3. Jeff I didn't realize there were any comments on the HP article, I'll go have a look-see. Thank you for your kind words.

      30 years? I hope you're doing okay now, and that each day finds you getting happier and stronger. I'm sorry :(

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  5. You inspired me again, sweetheart. I'd been thinking and musing that it's time to let some of the breakup burden off my shoulders and be a truly active part of making 2013 better than 2012 and the latter third of 2011. Your post really got me to solidify those plans. I no longer want to be Sad Salish (can't say Divorced, as it was my fiance that dumped me -- what does one call that? Hmmmm. "Brokenly Engaged?" No. How about -- "Lucky?"!? lol!)

    And your relationship post teaser has me cracking up. I can only imagine what "Bad Butt-dial" is going to turn out to mean! Don't leave your loyal audience waiting too long on *that* one! :)

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    1. Well, Salish..welcome to the year of "letting go". We will make it just fine. The world is out there, with untold stories and untraveled roads. Just waiting for us. I'm glad to have some company on this adventure.

      And sweet baby Jeezus. I'm trying to figure out how to tell the tale of the Butt dial without hurting feelings. It's not gonna be easy. Coming soon to a crazy lady's blog near you.

      Thanks for your amazing support!

      Jenny

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    1. And to you as well, Twister. I hope you have a wonderful new year.

      Thank you for reading!

      Jenny

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  7. To me, you'll always be Jenny from the Block ;) I consider you to be more than Just Jenny, just so you know. Love you!!!

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    1. Ha!! I love being Jenny from the Block!

      Love you right back.

      Thanks for your support and camaraderie.

      Jenny

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  8. Cant wait to hear more about the new 'not to be defined by DIVORCE' Jenny. Seriously, this one's pretty bad ass, I can only imagine how cool the new you's gonna be ;)

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    1. You are a great blog friend, Lin. Let's hope the bad ass-ness of it all stays strong.

      Thanks for reading!

      Jenny

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  9. After reading a bit of your blog on FB I decided to check it out, so glad I did you are a natural. Would love your feedback on Brene Brown's work, I have found her research and stories to be quite inspirational. I have to remind myself that life just happens everyday and it's how I handle it that makes a difference. Looking forward to 2013, the year I learn to live vulnerably and just be me. Look forward to reading your posts, wishing you and your family an outstanding 2013.

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    1. Oh thank you Debbie! Welcome to the madness :o)

      I have not heard of Brene Brown prior to your comment..I just found her website and will be reading more now. Sounds interesting...I love learning about new ideas and perspectives, thank you for the tip!

      Jenny

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  10. Thanks to HP I found your blog. Just love this post! Looking forward to digging through some older posts and reading along on future ones too.

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    1. Hey Brooke, welcome to the crazy place! So glad you found me.

      Thank you SO MUCH for your kind words. I hope you stick around :)

      Jenny

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  11. 2012 was definitely not your year. But it’s good to know that you’re finally getting over it. Divorce is a word that may be easy to say, but way too difficult to deal with. Good thing you found writing to be helpful in expressing your thoughts and emotions. Also, find good people who continue to inspire you. This was a good resolution for 2013.

    Mona

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