6/17/16

The Best Parenting Advice You'll Ever Get: Be Really Lucky



Unless you've been stranded on Mars or trapped in a cave somewhere, you have heard and read about the tragic accident that took the life of a sweet 2 year old boy in Florida. And unless you've not been on the internet for four days, you've also read the innumerable essays and posts about it. And then, oh sweet mercy...there are the comment sections.

Comment sections have always been an insidious slice of our societal pie; the one place people seem to have zero trouble letting their true colors run like an overflowing toilet at Taco Bell. For whatever reason- maybe the political circus that's happening in our country, perhaps a nation already at maximum grief bearing weight over yet another senseless mass shooting- the boy's death in Florida brought out the comment section militia in droves. You thought the mom from the gorilla incident in Ohio caught a shit-ton of indignant, self-righteous flak? The couple in Florida got what she did, and then some.

There have now been pleas for the world to stop judging and be more kind. To show compassion instead of superiority. It's basically all been said, and done so a thousand times better than I could say. I decided to take a little break from the whole of it, to take Facebook off of my phone for a bit and to avoid reading anything below an actual article. Except then I cheated. I read one last post regarding the Disney incident and then, oh yes...and then....one last comment thread.

This thread contained the by-now familiar opening argument: "they shouldn't have" followed by either "had their kid in the water at night!" or "had a 2 year old up that late!" and of course the always soft and gentle "had kids in the first place if they weren't going to watch them." Those remarks are part and parcel of any accident involving a minor now. Parents suck, don't you know? Well, at least some parents do. Except, of course, for those who chime in and let the world know that this kind of unfortunate ugliness will never happen to them.

Which brings me to the last comment thread I shouldn't have, but did, read. A woman named Jen was spouting off, in the usual grammatically challenged manner many of these perfect parents display. She employed the good old Social Media Backhanded Compliment Comment technique, whereupon one begins their novella-length, no-paragraph breaks tirade with a general sympathy statement.

"I am so sorry for this family. I can't imagine what it's like to lose a child this way.

BUT."

There's always a but, right? God forbid someone expresses sympathy and sadness and ends it there. Jen didn't. She went on to rake the parents over the proverbial coals for what they did, and didn't do that fateful night on a dusky beach in Florida. They were, she decided, the ones who placed their babe into the mouth of that alligator and then waved as he was dragged away.

Then, she dropped this little bomb:

"I have a three year old. And I guarantee that something like this will never happen to her."

Oh Jen. I'm not laughing at you, I promise. Wait: I totally am laughing at you. Because you are effing hilarious.

You've been a parent for three years? Honey. That's like, 10 minutes on the parenting timeline.

I have old kids. Like, "could get married and have babies and mortgages" old. And I'm still a freaking novice. Just as I was guffawing at Sensible Smart Jen and her 30-odd months of parenting expertise, there are women chortling at me with my 22 years of it.

Parents? We may feel as though we've rocked it. We high-five ourselves, humble-brag about our mighty accomplishments and roll around in our successes like Garfield in a pan of lasagna.

But what none of us talks about, or even readily admits?

Most of parenting is just being lucky. Dumb luck, luck-of-the-Irish, lucky ducks. Whatever you want to call it, we gots it. Luck by the truckload, my friends.

That's the difference between Jen Almighty and the Nebraskan parents who lost their child. Jen's had it, and for one awful moment, they didn't.

Sweet Jesus. Even the act of getting, and staying, pregnant? May the odds be ever in your favor because that is a feat in and of itself. A friend and I had tandem pregnancies for our first two babies. Not because we timed it like that, you guys. It just happened. And then, we found ourselves pregnant together again, with our third babies.

She lost that baby via miscarriage. I didn't know what to say, sitting there watching her weep while trying to ignore the pregnant elephant in the room. She finally spoke:

"You are so lucky." She was right, of course. I was lucky. Luckier than a leprechaun riding bareback on a pot o' gold.

Now I know some of you are sitting there, claws extended, parenting books and child development pie charts and Venn diagrams at the ready. Ready to tell me that NO! Not luck! We are aware and educated and take steps to ensure the safety and growth of our babies. LUCK HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT, JENNY YOU BIG FAT LYING LIAR!

I agree with you. To a point. There are different levels of parents, that's for sure. All you have to do is watch the news for a few hours to find that out, and find it out in spades. There are abusive and neglectful and absent parents. Dumpster babies and kids chained in basements and duct-taped into Rubbermaid bins. Those parents are obviously terrible human beings and despite whatever excuses they may have (their own miserable upbringings, mental illness, addiction, etc) bad luck had nothing to do with the fates of their children.

But for the rest of us? The Average Joe and Josie you rub elbows with everyday? Our successes and failures have as much to do with luck as with anything else.

What if that doomed family in Florida had decided to pack it up just five minutes earlier? What if their four year old daughter had fallen and started crying just a few seconds before the alligator swam up? What if Mom or Dad had been holding the little guy in their arms instead of letting him walk?

What if.
What if.
What if.

It didn't happen that way and they have proved that sometimes the universe and the planets and the luck fairies line up just so and the absolute worst-case scenario is played out like some macabre production.

So to all the Parenting Gurus out there like Jen, you need to just reel it in a bit. Take a seat, and then take a look at the luck you've been blessed with. Accidents happen and they do so without warning. The neighborhood dog that snaps, the huge tree branch that falls, the space heater that shorts out, the texting/drunk driver who happens to be on the road at the same time as you.

None of us, and I mean absolutely NONE of us can know if our guardian angels are on duty or if they've fallen asleep or sneaked out for a smoke. We should continue to be watchful, and vigilant, and educated about all things parent-y, of course. Keep outlets covered, baby-proof the cupboard doors and get your kids immunized. Look both ways, wash fruits and veggies carefully and lock up the house at night.

But never, ever should we become so arrogant as to presume we are exempt from experiencing a moment of bad luck.

It could happen to anyone...even you, Jen.





24 comments:

  1. Preach it, sister! Anything can happen at any time, no matter how vigilant you are. I've lived it, numerous times. You think you've got your ducks in a row, and then one turns up missing. Although, for the life of me, I have no idea why my then-toddler was crying about being left behind in a bakery. That kid had it made.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HA!!! Seriously. I've had tingly dreams like that! Kind of like that old book, From the Mixed up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler. Except with carbs ♥

      Delete
  2. Amen, amen and amen. I try to constantly be aware of how lucky we are and to be grateful for every moment of peaceful existence.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Amen indeed, Deborah! Lately I've been getting so mad at my kids for not picking up after themselves, not helping me out as much as they should. Don't get me wrong: those buttheads need to help more. But when I'm done ranting and slamming I need to remember that not everyone gets the opportunity to yell at their slob kids. And then the guilt comes crashing in. Sigh.

      Delete
  3. Yes and yup and amen.

    Every time I take my kids (8, 6, 4, 1.5) out on their bikes/scooters,stroller for a walk around the block I have to take deep breaths. I have taught my kids to listen and obey, sidewalk etiquette, what to do at a stopsign, etc etc etc. But then there is just luck- will the drivers in our neighborhood be attentive? Will one of the kids wipe out when he/she tries to brake? Will that pitbull's chain hold for yet another day, for us to pass by?

    I prepare as well as I can for even these simple walks around the block, but parenthood is a calculated gamble and involves a heck of a lot of luck.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Right! This is it, exactly. WE can be prepared and ready but sometimes life hands you something that is impossible to plan for. Like a freaking alligator. That's something out of a horrible movie. Not real life :(

      Delete
    2. Good luck or bad luck, we all get our turn. The fellow Disney guest who had a photo of her child standing in the exact same spot 5 minutes earlier is counting her lucky stars.....
      Have to say, many, many times I wonder if its karma as much as it is luck, and in believing that, I try harder to be a better person, a kinder friend, a more compassionate human being. Thank you happy Hausfrau!

      Delete
  4. You are right on SO many levels with this one!! I agree 100% that a lot of it is luck. I don't know how many times I've thought, "But for the grace of God, that could have been me-my husband-my kid..."

    ReplyDelete
  5. Very well said and what could anyone be possibly thinking to have one shred of blame for those poor parents?? Any parent has had heart palpitating near misses. Just the other day in the car, my husband turned his head for one quick second to look at our daughter's former day care, which just happened to be the same quick second that a 8 year old boy decided to ride his bike across the street in front of us (obviously without looking) and without me screaming STOP in a hysterical way in the passenger seat there surely would have been a collision. And you can bet it wouldn't have been a terrible tragic accident but rather the fault of deranged dangerous driver or neglectful abusive parents to let their kid ride his bike unaccompanied...

    I thank my lucky stars every day...

    ReplyDelete
  6. So, so true! Those "it would never happen to my kid because I'm a responsible parent" parents make my blood boil and tickle my funny bone in equal measure.

    ReplyDelete
  7. These "perfect parents" are either the same people, or bred of the same people, who believe that infidelity and divorce or 'insert any bad life event here' will never happen to them. They have to blame the parents, the spouse, etc for what went wrong because the event seems more controllable. "I will just not do this bad thing and that will never happen to me."

    My children are adults and I know I was very lucky for them to get through their childhood unscathed. It only takes one split second to look away and if the planets align just right the luck is either in your favor or something tragic happens. It's as random as a tornado touchdown in a lot of cases.

    I am grateful that I am not raising children in this social media age where all the perfect parents are sitting behind their computers waiting to unleash their holier than thou wrath on those that encounter tragedy.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Thanks for writing so well what many of us feel. As a mom living in Orlando who's daughter had been to the Pulse Nightclub several times in the past, I so wholeheartedly agree! This also helps to counter my parents' assertion that they had great kids solely due to their hard work and luck had nothing to do with it. Unfortunately, according to that theory I've got some serious shortcomings as a parent (as opposed to the "bad luck" that came with their unfaithful father or the mental illness diagnosis for the teenager). Keep on writing!

    ReplyDelete
  9. you are spot on. I can't count the number of close calls my kids have had. we are very lucky.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Terrific post! I love the idea of showing compassion, rather than judgement. I've made some pretty negligent parenting decisions in my time, and when I look back, I think, 'What the ... was I thinking?' This includes the time both parents turned their backs momentarily on a two-year-old and a running treadmill—luckily, the full thickness finger burns didn't require grafting, and only needed to be splinted for six months. We all make or have made stupid decisions, and no one is exempt. It *is* luck our children survive. I'm not religious, but I love the concept, 'Let he who has not sinned ...'

    ReplyDelete
  11. And that, my friend, is the absolute most difficult part of parenting - accepting that you are completely vulnerable to a flash of bad luck. If I don't carefully tuck that vulnerability away in a little compartment I built for it in my brain, and re-tuck it several times a day, it blows up into such severe and debilitating anxiety that I cannot cope. Right now, my kids are safe, fed, warm AND clean (I know, totally winning tonight), snuggled in their beds surrounded by stuffed animals and warm blankets. At any given minute, the "imminent" earthquake could hit here in Vancouver and, well, bad things could happen. My husband, who is currently traveling somewhere that is less safe than here could be hurt. A tumour could be growing in one of them. Or in me. Or in him.

    Before kids, I really had no fear of bad things happening. Now, well, it haunts me always. But, that's the price of this amazing, earth shattering love that parenting brings - it also brings the potential for horrific pain. So, every day, when the "what ifs" come, I tuck them away and try to think of them as opportunities for gratitude. And then I move onwards, avoiding reading anything about alligators.

    Although, you should absolutely read "A Mother's Reckoning" by Sue Klebold. Essential reading for any parent - especially those who think that they're immune to bad things.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I have a lucky family. All three children (now in their late 20's-early 30"s) are healthy and relatively stable and happy. My youngest daughter was pregnant with our first grandchild and had a wonderfully uneventful full term pregnancy. She went into labor and the umbilical cord seems to have broken (I say "seems to" because unlike on tv, the pathology report takes weeks and not hours). My beautiful granddaughter died before she was born.

    We are shattered and are just picking up the pieces to try to move forward but I was reminded of how lucky we are in reality. We have a good, strong family and that is lucky.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Donna, I am so, so sorry. My heart aches for all of you.

      Delete
    2. Oh Donna, I had to catch my breath when I read your reply. I am so very sorry about the loss of your baby's baby girl. I cannot imagine... (gentle hugs) ~ Kim

      Delete
    3. Donna, my prayers are with you and your family.

      Delete
  13. Totally agree! Quit judging one another all the time!!

    ReplyDelete
  14. I wish we Momma's would build one another up instead of constantly competing and judging eachother. Can you imagine how powerful we could be if we united?

    ReplyDelete
  15. As I sit here 7 months pregnant I couldn't agree more. I see it with my nieces and nephew all the time. And they are raised exactly the same yet all completely different. My brother has 3 kids under the age of 5 and it only takes seconds for an accident to occur. I often think that every day that goes by where they are all safe is a miracle.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I appreciate this post. I think these judgmental people are the types to look for someone to blame, because they cannot accept that these tragedies unfortunately just happen sometimes and are out of our control. Combine that with social media and the layer of anonymity and seemingly there are a lot of opinionated, judgmental parents out there. I would like to hope that there aren't really that many of them ... that social media just makes their voices seem louder.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I couldn't agree more. Thanks for saying it so well.

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...