11/18/13

Five Ways Toddlers Are Easier Than Teenagers

Oh mommies. I read so many blog posts and articles about the trials and tribulations of raising toddlers. And YES, oh sweet 18-month-old Jesus, YES they are all spot on: having a toddler (or two) at home is kind of like having the most obnoxious, handsy, drunk frat guy at the party living with you 24/7. Parenting the two, three and four year olds deserves its own special child-proofed circle in Hell some days.

But let me tell you something, ladies. There will come a day when you look back on these years with something that feels like wistfulness. A longing, even.

Because that pea-soup spewing, head spinning, chicken nugget-clutching abomination in the car seat behind you is going to be a teenager some day.

And then things get really fun.

I can't write something like this without first pointing out the merits of teens. They are a wonder to behold. Some days it's like living inside an ABC After School Special without any commercial breaks. You get to relive your teen years, good or bad. Every single thing you did as a teenager comes back either to haunt you or to give you fodder for speeches and diatribes and guilt trips to lay upon your own teen.

You can have conversations with teenagers, which is mostly cool. They can do things like drive and tie their own shoes and use the stove without supervision. Most of them are adept at personal hygiene and rarely need help in that area, except when they scream from the downstairs bathroom that they need a towel.

Don't get me wrong: I love my teens. Which is good, because at the moment, I have four of them living under my roof. We have some good times together, me and my gaggle of teens. We have interesting talks, we watch The Walking Dead together, some days our coexistence feels a lot like harmony.

But the past few weeks have been a doozy. I've gone apeshit with my teens. My least-proud moment was when I was driving around a nearby city looking for "a Dairy Queen" trying to find my 17 year old daughter who had gone there after school with some friends. I'd been trying to get the map feature on my phone to work, and it kept stopping. It was dark, I was pissed because that had been the one and only night my youngest didn't have hockey, and there I was, driving like a tourist and scanning the horizon for one of those freaking Dairy Queen signs. "Mom, where are you?" she called to ask. "I'M DRIVING AROUND HOPKINS LOOKING FOR EFFING DAIRY QUEEN, THAT'S WHERE I AM!! WHERE IS THIS DAMN PLACE?" I barked back at her. "God, Mom, it's not that hard to find. It's down the road from the movie theater." She sounded like she was smirking as she said this. I could tell. "CAN YOU BE MORE MOTHER EFFING SPECIFIC?" I shrieked into the phone. I heard muffled laughter and felt a shameful hot horror as I realized she had put me on speaker.

Yep. I'm that mom. The spastic f-bomb dropping one. In my defense, I'm also the one who always lets the kids have oodles of friends sleep over and I provide donuts in the morning. Bacon if I'm feeling rich. So there's that.

But this morning, I got to thinking of my kids as they used to be. I actually got moist eyes thinking about my directionally-challenged daughter as a toddler. She'd wear these stretchy knit headbands all the time, so that she looked like a mini-John McEnroe. She loved wearing her older brother's training pants. She'd often leave the house wearing Batman undies beneath her sparkly tutu. She was obsessed with backpacks so much so that I took to calling her "Packy" and at any given moment she'd have one strapped to her back, stuffed with treasures.

I then remembered her tantrums. I remembered the poopy pants and the croup and the sibling rivalry and the endlessssss bedtimes.

But still...for just a moment this morning, I kind of wished I still had toddlers. And I came up with a few reasons why TODDLERS TOTALLY TRUMP TEENS:

1. SLEEPING: I'm sure you've heard of the book "Go the F*ck to Sleep". Get ready for the teen version I'll be writing called "Get the F*ck Up, You'll Miss the Bus". Seriously. These people sleep like vampires. Sure, no more being awakened by two scary eyeballs peering at you from the side of the bed at 5:00 a.m., but waking a teenager is kind of like reenacting "A Weekend At Bernie's". God help you.

2. INAPPROPRIATE USE OF TOILETRIES: Oh it's so funny when Junior gets into your lipstick or maxi pads and gets all messy. Sometimes you take pictures of them and post it on Instagram. But get ready for the waves of nausea when you find your good bottle of body lotion tucked in your 14 year old son's underwear drawer. Alongside two dozen wadded up tissues. You won't be so quick to post those pictures, my friends. (this seems like a good time to tell you: HIDE THE EXPENSIVE LOTION, LADIES..keep only the Suave and St. Ives within child reach)

3. HOMEWORK: Your toddler has none. Boom. I'll be honest here: I became useless as a homework helper around 5th grade. Math has changed since I was in school, and even back then I couldn't do it. Now, if you want me to help you write something? Bring it on. But not the math. Please, God, not the math. My kids stopped asking me for help years ago. Phew.

Teens have a lot of homework and while you may not be asked to help out with it much anymore, you will certainly have to hear them bitch and moan about doing it, and you might have to run damage control when they magically remember that they have a ginormous project/paper/4-course meal to prepare for culinary class at 10:00 p.m. on Sunday night. And yes, I did live through the 4-course meal thing. Thank God for a best friend who can cook like a boss and who doesn't judge when you call her, sobbing, and ask if she can "HELP US MAKE A FOUR COURSE MEAL" at 10:04 p.m. on a Sunday night.

4. AXE BODY SPRAY: You think you're sick of smelling poo and pee and sour milk and ketchup? Just wait.

5. SLEEPING (YES, AGAIN):  When you have babies and toddlers, you want to sleep but you can't. When you have teens, you finally can sleep but you don't want to. Because teens go out. Without you! And sometimes, you don't know exactly where they are, or who they're with. Out of sight definitely DOES NOT mean out of mind when it comes to being the parent of a teenager. Out of sight means your imagination goes into overdrive and every worst case scenario unfolds in your head with ugly clarity. You don't mentally exhale until you touch base with your teen/baby.

I imagine that I'll probably be able to sleep again someday. Like when I'm dead. Which reminds me, I should probably tell my friends to put my sleep mask with me in the coffin....mama gonna sleep, y'all!

So there's five ways toddlers are easier than teens. Now, we could flip this around and go all Opposite Day and say Oh yeah, Jenny? Here's how teens are easier! They can talk! They don't crap their pants! They don't crawl into bed with you and lose control of their bladder! They don't need their hot dogs cut into non-lethal bite-size chunks! They don't cry at Target! They dress themselves! They don't go boneless and refuse to move in the middle of your Mommy and Me class, the one with the perfect mommies who silently judge your shitty parenting!

And you know what? We'd be right. Parenting is hard. It doesn't matter if your charges are tiny and have soft little feet or if they tower over you and sometimes startle you with their man-voices.

IT'S HARD.

Just different kinds of hard, that's all. And here's a little secret for you, something I think about when my four teens are all seemingly conspiring to make me insane:

If you look hard enough, you can still see your toddler in there. It might be the curve of a cheek, it might be the way they twist their hair, it might be the way they sleep with their mouth open and one hand curled up near their face (yes, it's okay if you sometimes sneak a peek at your snoozing teens, people, just avoid the underwear drawers). Sometimes it's an expression on their face or that certain stance of theirs that jumps out of nowhere and says "BOO! I'm still in here, mommy! Miss me??"

And when you do get that glimpse of what once was framed so beautifully in what is yet to be? It takes your breath away.

Here's to all of us and our sometimes-impossible children, big and small. May they always keep us tired and worrying and cleaning....

and loving.

Packy in the crack den.




















29 comments:

  1. I'm sure you've heard of the book "Go the F*ck to Sleep". Get ready for the teen version I'll be writing called "Get the F*ck Up, You'll Miss the Bus": Hilarious. That's perfect. "BOO! I'm still in here, mommy! Miss me??": Brought a tear to my eye. Sometimes, I see it, too! And maybe a teen doesn't throw a tantrum in Target (they would never be seen with me there), but the ones that get thrown in the car with the windows rolled up without the restraining device of a carseat have me fantasizing about careening off the side of an overpass to make.it.stop.

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    1. The numerous stories I've heard of a tantrum-ing teen exiting a moving vehicle are enough to make me nostalgic for those toddler Target tantrums.

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    2. Stacy, when I wrote that line I burst into tears :) God, it goes so freaking fast, doesn't it??

      I've had that same fantasy, just so you know you're not alone.

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    3. SC...that's so scary! I've not heard one of those stories. I do remember carpooling for preschool and having a little girl try to exit my van as we were cruising down the highway.

      Heart.Attack.

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  2. My teens have successfully all graduated into young adults in their 20's (and one is 30!-although I'm not quite sure how that happened). The worry never goes away but the sleep comes back. And now when we call, it's "not this weekend, Mom, we have this other thing to do". Scheduling time with your grown child, how to feel humble.

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    1. Donna, I love to hear from moms who have survived! I cannot imagine the worry going away. It really makes you think about your own parents, too.

      I'm getting a taste of that scheduling thing now..trying to gather all four of my teens for a night out is like trying to get a backstage meeting with Mick Jagger. Not easy.

      thanks for reading!

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  3. Your lack of love for Parenthood had me questioning my Jenny obsession.... But today like most "new post in the comments" days you made me laugh out loud & get misty by the end! I love your blog!

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    1. Awww Jill, I'm glad I won you back :) Thank you so much for your support and love.

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  4. This is hands.down my favorite post you've ever written. Maybe because it's hi-lar-ious. Maybe because I can relate, having 2 teenagers in my house who can drive and go out without me and who sleep until noon or later on the weekends and who remember they have gigantic projects due the night before they're due. Part of me misses the days when they could sit on my lap and "needed" me more, but overall I just feel blessed to have these kids in my life at all, vampire sleeping habits and all. I'm sure you feel exactly the same. Super funny post, thanks for letting us read. :-)

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    1. We moms of teens are in our own special group, aren't we?? I'm right there with ya, sister. Even when I'm fantasizing about selling them on Craigslist, I love these hooligans with all of my heart. All of it. I'm lucky to have them in my life.

      Thanks so much for reading, and for your nice words.

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  5. Whenever I get that glimpse of the former toddler, it always feels as though he/she is being held hostage in the body of the present-day teen/dementor. Not a good feeling...

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    1. Oh come on, SC...I know you're a softie like me. Fess up: do you ever look at them while they sleep? I force myself to do it now and again, especially if one of them is making me feel violent :)

      I wonder if we'll always see those little faces in there? Or if that goes away?

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  6. Love, love this. Just yesterday my 10 year old daughter picked out a dress and I had this twinge of remember-when-she-was-a-baby! And, oh, the math! She's in 5th grade and I already cringe at the math. Truthfully, I've been cringing since grade 3. I make my husband help with all math. I can't even.
    So nice to meet you via Twitter the other day. I absolutely loved this post.

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    1. Heidi, what a thrill and an honor it was to connect with you. I'll be honest, I started to get the homework blues around 3rd grade too. And last year, I was subbing in 2nd grade...I actually had a panic moment when I found myself unable to figure out the math they were doing. IT'S ALL SO DIFFERENT.

      Thanks so much for reading, I'm all kinds of flabbergasted to have you here.

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  7. Replies
    1. Nah...I've got your back. When yours are teens you come over and hang out with me :)

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  8. Love this! I, too, will one day have four teens in the house. I'm a wee bit scared. Mostly about grocery bills for now.

    I remember, when I had three kids under three, calling my mom and crying, asking her, "What was the hardest age to parent?" fully expecting her to say the toddler years so I could look forward to outgrowing it. But she didn't hesitate at all to say, "Oh the teenage years, for sure." I've got three more years before the first one enters his teens.

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    1. Kira, the grocery bills are scarier than anything those booming-voiced manchildren can throw at you!

      Ha!! I also had three under three. Those were good times, weren't they?? I love your mom. That's hilarious!

      You are in what I called the Golden Years. Enjoy them. And I'm not saying that in a facetious, "it's all downhill from here" way. I mean, really dig in and enjoy these years. I wished a lot of my own children's 4-11 years away. Not out of anger or despair, but by sighing, "Oh I can't wait until they can do this on their own" kind of thing. If that makes sense.

      And if you haven't already, learn the art of deal hunting when it comes to groceries! I'm now trying to figure out how to get a freezer chest thingie in my garage.

      Thanks for reading!

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    2. My dad gave me his old upright freezer, now I just need to find the time/means to fill it up with deals!

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  9. Hilarious, Jenny. Absolutely made me laugh out loud. Those early teen years were especially brutal. But I never wanted the toddlers back!

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  10. This post was like those great tv shows or movies that bring out all your emotions. I laughed, I cried.....it was so heart-warming. I have an 18 month old who runs me ragged most days, but I try to memorize his sweet little face because I know someday ill have to look for the boy in the man. Great post!!

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  11. You forgot, in the homework area, finding out they somehow didn't hand in 3 homework assignments, even though they have been telling you 'yeah, I did my homework' or 'No, I don't have any homework, yeah none all week'. You knew they were lying...but couldn't prove it until the progress report. So now the big fat zero's on their report have brought their average to barely passing. This from your smart kid who, when he does do the work gets high A's! So you forgot the part about teens that talks about them throwing away their huge potential, and there is little you can do about it but take away the video games and computer. In toddlers, you still have the hope, the control (for the most part).

    But your ending is spot on. I peek at my sleeping teens all the time, and I am shocked at the man voice towering over me, or that I hear on the phone call from college, or the woman who is smiling at us from her senior picture.

    Wow, I just wrote a blog post, sorry. Glad to be a new fan an follower.
    ~Rebecca

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  12. Holy crap. I laughed obnoxiously and loudly for more than 30 seconds at the fancy lotion comment. Loved it.

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  13. My daughter turned 13 this year and I gotta say, I do look for her little toddler self sometimes. She was so cute! My 13 year old is cute too, but man.....

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  14. You might need to write that wake up book!

    This post was so funny, Jenny! Love your voices as always. I'm sort of terrified for the teenage years.

    I already hate homework by the way and my oldest is only nine.

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  15. I have a two year old and this post really made me laugh. Perhaps I should print this out and read the part about sleeping when I'm going through the "go the F*** to sleep" phase at night :D

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  16. I have a four year old and a 16 year old, so I am basically living in both worlds. Love this post! It is spot on!!

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  17. So funny. Really enjoyed this. My kids are 15, 13, and 2 so I've got it both ways right now and often think about this and compare. Let me just say that at the times when I am stalking a neighborhood at 11pm trying to figure out which house my son is hanging out in because he isn't responding to my texts, I'm doing it with the 2 year old in tow if no one else is home. Poor thing spends a ridiculous amount of time in the car and at volleyball tournaments and swimming meets. Keep up the great writing.

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  18. So funny. Really enjoyed this. My kids are 15, 13, and 2 so I've got it both ways right now and often think about this and compare. Let me just say that at the times when I am stalking a neighborhood at 11pm trying to figure out which house my son is hanging out in because he isn't responding to my texts, I'm doing it with the 2 year old in tow if no one else is home. Poor thing spends a ridiculous amount of time in the car and at volleyball tournaments and swimming meets. Keep up the great writing.

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