10/18/13

THE LIST




Not a Target list.
Not a grocery list.
Not Schindler's.
Not a To Do one, or a bucket one, either.

THE LIST. I read a blog post by Michelle at So Wonderful, So Marvelous about a list pinpointing specific ideals she was looking for in a mate. Then, she met the man who would become her husband, and BOING. He met almost all of the criteria from THE LIST.

Here's something I don't think I've ever told anyone. Way back in the day, like back in my senior year of high school (when dinosaurs roamed the earth along with Trapper Keepers and Flashdance sweatshirts), I made a list of my own in a spiral notebook during Creative Writing. 

My list was comprised of about ten things. Things I wanted in a boyfriend. I can't recall every one of them, but I do remember "curly hair" and "drives a dark colored Bronco or suburban-type car" and "funny" and "plays hockey". I folded up my list and tucked it in the pages of my diary. 

And then, my first year of college, I found the boy from THE LIST. My first boyfriend, Tom, was like my list come true. He had the curly hair! He was funny! He played hockey! I'm almost certain I never told Tom about THE LIST. But those were the days of pizza and ganja, so there's a good chance I did and just don't remember it. Luckily, he probably doesn't, either.

Tom and I fell for each other immediately and lasted several years. I don't have too many regrets in life, but letting that one go is one of them. I mean, obviously it was meant to be, right? Some life lessons suck way more than others.

So anyways. I hadn't thought about THE LIST until I read Michelle's post. And since then, I can't stop thinking about it. What would my list be like now? Does THE LIST really have magical properties? 

Maybe it really is all about throwing your wishes out to the universe instead of keeping them locked up in your heart. After all, how else will fate or cupid or the gods of serendipity ever know what we're looking for?

I've been compiling my 2013 list, mentally, over the past few weeks. It's quite detailed, but then again, I've been burned by love. So I'm picky now. Picky and scared. 

My fantasy list would look like this:

1. Be Louis C.K.

But I'm nothing if not realistic. And I know my Louis C.K. dreams are silly. Hot, but silly. So here is my updated version of THE LIST. Now on a laptop instead of in a Trapper Keeper. Let's see if it works this time around, shall we?

JENNY'S LIST, 2013

1. He must like kids and dogs. I'd prefer it if he has both. Cats are okay too.

2. He must be healthy. I'm kind of fat right now, but working on it. Diligently. It would actually be great if he was thick around the middle as well. That way he'd know what it's like to struggle with the scale. And we could eat our veggies and light dill dip together, in chubby solidarity. Oh, and also? NO CIGARETTES. Bleah. Cigars when he's out with the boys, every once in a while, that's okay. But no cigs. 

3. He must have a job. I don't care if he waits tables, pours concrete or designs shopping malls. A job is a job is a job. A strong work ethic is all kinds of sexy.

4. It's imperative that we have things in common. More than "likes to eat" or "enjoys a cocktail". There has to be common ground. Music we both enjoy, books we've both read, things that crack us up. Not everything has to be all matchy-matchy, but there have to be a few shared interests. If he has a penchant for movies based on Marvel comics, Joss Whedon and/or binge-watching t.v. series on Netflix, that would be kind of awesome.

5. He has to be a nice guy. Nothing turns me off faster than hearing someone talk smack about their friends. Or their friend's kids. Because in my world, if you say crap about people behind their backs, what's stopping you from doing the same thing to me? My motto is, if you wouldn't say it to someone's face, just don't say it. Period.

6. Expounding on the nice thing: no assholes, please. He's going to be nice to be around. He treats everyone he meets with respect. He says "Thank you" when a waiter refills his water, he holds doors open for other people and he will not make fun of me for stopping the car to let a squirrel get across the street. I've pounded this into the heads of my children and I'm not embarrassed to say that my heart nearly bursts with pride when I see them go out of their way to say "Thank you" to people. Now, thank you notes, those are another story. We're working on that one as a family. 

7. His junk has to work. That's all I'm going to say about this one.

8. He'll understand that I'm kind of broken inside. Not super damaged, but there are cracks. Something irreparable happens to you when the person you loved hurts you. Fails you. Treats you like shit. Trust doesn't come easily for me. But when it does, it's there for the long haul. I'm loyal like a damn dog, and it would be nice if he's like that, too.

9. Drinking. For all of my talk about martinis and wine, I'm not the lush you'd think I'd be. Working at 7:30 a.m. every morning has put the kibosh on weeknight cocktails. And by the time the weekend rolls around, I'm too tired and too freaking busy to have more than a couple drinkies. Who wants to be the mom at hockey with the booze breath? Not me. I've dated some very heavy drinkers in the past. No mas, por favor. 

10. And the one carryover from my 1985 list: He has to bring the funny. If I don't laugh, things get ugly. Fast. I've learned that if you surround yourself with people who enjoy both laughing, and making others laugh, life is so much better. 

And that's my list. You know you'll be the first people to know if this guy shows up on my doorstep. 

How about you? Married friends, did you have THE LIST? Was it accurate? And all my single ladies...let me know if you have THE LIST! What's on it? I'm curious in a non-creepy way.

Off to Ped-Egg my heels. Just in case.

38 comments:

  1. I too did The List in high school. It was my senior year, and I still hadn't even gone to a dance with a boy (let alone actually gone on a date or had a boyfriend!). So, I figured I might as well just write down everything I wanted in an ideal boyfriend since he wasn't showing his face anyway. Well, two years later I ended up falling for a guy, and about a month into it I found The List. He missed all but one criteria on a list of about 25 things. That was actually borderline creepy, honestly! Things didn't work out, but that's because what really appealed to me as a 17-year-old wasn't going to carry me on through my 20s.

    I made another list after we broke up, as a sort of reminder that what I wanted out of a mate of sorts had changed. I didn't bother hiding this one from myself this time. I wanted to be reminded that I had standards and hopes for someone. And, well, long story short: I'm married to him. It seems silly for some people, because it's not like shopping for groceries where you go "I'm out of cheese, so I want a man who has some cheese." But, even though I found a man who had all but a few optional qualities on my list (I like curly hair in men, but it's not like I haven't liked plenty of guys whose hair probably couldn't hold a curl if you begged it and fried it with curling irons), I found a man who has many other things that I never thought to add to a list. And that's why I think The List is great, but not if you're going to put on 50+ specific things. You have to be open to trying things you might not think you need, or finding that something you thought was A-list Important isn't actually so perfect for you after all. I think your list is a little vague, but I think that's okay for where you are. You may not want or care about the little specifics (ex: A guy who only reads paper books, and hates eReaders OR a guy who loves coffee, but who also believes in an extensive tea cabinet, etc, etc). Those may be things that you're open to discovering what a person with those traits has to offer you, your children, and your life. At least you know the big things, and some things are just a taken for granted (obviously you'll want him to be patience, good with teens, and open to your parenting styles and decisions). I hope you find your List Man. Or Louis CK. Whichever.

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    1. Ahh Athena. I love this. You are very wise. I agree with you, 100%, that we do have to keep an open mind when it comes to love.

      In my last relationship, I knew fairly early on that we didn't have enough in common to make it work. BUT I KEPT TRYING. It was like one of Cinderella's sisters trying to cram her tootsies into the glass slipper. What I learned from that one was this:

      You have to be true to yourself. There is no faking it, not if you want to be really, truly happy.

      I love what you said about your husband have so many qualities that you'd have never even thought to put on a list. That's what I love about love. It teaches us so much.

      Mine is indeed pretty vague. I didn't add anything about spirituality, politics, appearances (other than the fact that he can be fat, ha). Because to me, those are open arenas.

      Well...the politics might get kind of sticky. But that's where the humor comes in handy.

      Thank you so much for sharing your story, I loved reading it!

      Delete
  2. OMG! I do have THE LIST! On my phone, in fact, in my notes app. For quick reference, I guess. I didn't have one when I was younger, because I never wanted to get married. Until I did. And then the guy I wanted to marry WAS the list. I should've had the The List. Would have saved me 15 years and a couple thousand dollars.

    You know what's funny? I made The List one year ago today according to the date on it. And I've been carrying it with me every day since.
    Here's My List.
    1) Kind eyes that look for me in a crowd.
    2) A contagious smile.
    3) A laugh that makes you join in.
    4) Hair on his head but not on his face.
    5) Nice teeth.
    6) Fit but not ripped.
    7) Respectful.
    8) Responsible.
    9) Humble.
    10) Sense of humor.
    11) Appreciative.
    12) Handy.
    13) A tiny little wild streak.
    14) Must love my kids and my dog.

    So if you see him around, slip him my number, okay? :-)

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    1. Katina I love your list! You got way more detailed than I did. Maybe I should go back and redo...I love me a walrus mustache.

      Okay, we have a deal. If I see yours, I'll send him your way. Ditto if you see my fat, funny dad with a dog.

      Thanks for reading :)

      Delete
    2. I worry that it's a little too specific, that I've set the bar too high. Maybe on purpose, so I don't get hurt again? A topic for my therapist for sure! :-)

      Delete
  3. What a great post. Just filed my divorce papers this week but have been separated for the last six months, I too live in Minnesota. You have inspired me to write out a list and put it away when I am ready to get back out there. Have been thoroughly enjoying your blog.

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    1. Well hello local friend! Hope you're doing okay, dear. Make that list, at the very least you'll find out what your heart really wants.

      Thanks so much for reading, and for joining the conversation.

      Delete
  4. I had a list, and my current husband had most of those things! I wish I would have said, "creative without ADHD" and I should have been more clear with "owns his own home." A home would have helped us get stable faster. Instead, it was wheel-estate. A camper van. I think the only thing he didn't have was "a motorcycle," but unfortunately, now he has one.

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    1. Ahh..see, I didn't specify about the housing thing. I thought about that one after the fact. I can't believe you lived in a camper van! That actually sounds like it had some fun potential.

      Thanks so much for chiming in, even if it is under the anonymous cloak ;)

      Delete
  5. I had a mental list, made it in HS, thought it would never ever happen. And I didn't want to get married and didn't think I deserved to be w/ someone long term. Then it happened, I got about 80% but also some things I didn't even know I'd like. Either way, I think making a list is a good idea, even if to solidify your boundaries.

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    1. Gail I'd pay good money (okay maybe even bad money) to see your list. Especially if it was made in high school!

      I think you scored, my dear. You got a good one. I'm so happy for you.

      Delete
  6. I could not love this more.

    And yes, the whole putting it out into the universe x1000.

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    1. Awww my inspiration! Thank you so much for making me think. That's harder than it sounds :)

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  7. I guess I made a short list.
    Must be tall, dark, and handsome.
    Must NOT enjoy country music.
    Must be open-minded.
    Must like kids.
    That's about it.
    And then Charlie came along.
    Blondish-ginger.
    Not a huge country music fan, but loathes my penchant for 80's rock and roll.
    Can be quite conservative about many things. We usually vote opposite, Im fairly certain. I'm not 100% sure because he never reveals who he votes for, and I stopped asking years ago.
    He adores kids. In fact, I've come to realize, as you are quite aware, that I don't even really like them much myself, but at least I like my own.
    And yeah, he always makes me laugh.
    We drive each other nutty sometimes.
    Polar opposites.
    He is not really who I pictured I would end up with.
    But never-not once- have I ever had a fleeting thought that there's someone better out there for me.
    I think it's good to keep that list short and flexible.

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    1. I cannot imagine you with anyone else. Good thing your list wasn't carved in stone :)

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  8. Your list is awesome! Love the way you phrased #7! ha!

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    1. Thanks Darcy...you know, I'm at that age where things aren't functioning the same way they did 20 years ago.

      Like my bladder, for instance. Boom! There's the punchline. Thanks for reading!

      Delete
  9. My friend and I totally had a list from high school. I'm pretty sure it had more than 50 things on it - at the age I am now, I realize being that uber-picky isn't useful. I probably still have the paper, as I have a tendency to keep that crap, but all I can remember is that I didn't want to marry a fireman or a policeman, no one with a dangerous job.

    Seeing as how the last two guys I went out with didn't have cars (seriously, who lives here and doesn't have a CAR?) I think I'd have to add that one. I have my kids 50% of the time - if a guy doesn't have a car, that means there's no way for him to come visit me for a movie or late dinner after the kids go to bed. No thanks!

    I should probably make a list of my own as I entertain the idea of online dating in the next month or so.

    Your list is good - I think the more we learn about people and relationships, the more we realize how unimportant some superficial issues matter.

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    1. No car?? That would be a deal breaker for me. I once dated a guy who did have a vehicle, but it only had one seat (long story). So I had to do all the driving. Which got old.

      You should totally make a list. And then blog about it :)

      Thanks for reading!

      Delete
  10. I love your blog. Perfect for me at this time in my life. I think I'll get started on that list. Guess I forgot to do one last time. :)

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    1. Thank you! Yes, you should get started on it. You never know!

      Delete
  11. YES! I had a list, narrowed down to seven must-have items ... completed about five months prior to meeting my now husband. This was the sort of list where any potential suitor HAD to meet each item, though some took time and relationship to know if he possessed the quality. So, if during the course of dating it became clear that one or more of the Must-haves was missing, I would have the courage to say goodbye. It took lots of getting to know myself to know what I would need. Number one and two on my list: Honesty and Kindness.

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    1. I'm glad you found your List-worthy guy, Missy. Sounds like a keeper. Honesty and Kindness are HUGE. Especially if you've been in relationships with someone who lacks those traits.

      Thank you for reading!

      Delete
  12. I kind of hate to write my list down because I'm thinking it might be so unattainable that nobody can live up to it now. My list used to be simple - love me, be faithful and be a good person. Really wish my shithead could have lived up to any one of those. Maybe after I'm divorced I'll feel more like writing it down and can start fantasizing about meeting Mr Perfect (For Me) but not quite yet.

    I love your list, especially the dad and dog, no asshole and bring on the funny parts. :)

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    1. Kay, you should write it. Despite the fact that you've been through the wringer with a complete jackhole, there are some wonderful guys out there. But you are right. Do it at your own pace. You need to heal first? That's totally understandable. I'm several years ahead of you on that one, and I know how icky it feels for you right now.

      It does get better. Trust me. Big hugs to you my friend.

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  13. I love your list, Jenny. I think it's very sound! I especially like #6.

    I don't think I had time to make a list because I met Bryan when I was a senior in college and not thinking about husbands at all. Then I was married when I was 23. Sometimes I'm surprised it's worked out so well because truly I had no idea what I was doing.

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    1. Nina, you hit the jackpot with Bryan! No list required :) I have a lot of friends who have gone down the same road as you. Believe it or not, several of them are married to the guy they dated in high school. And they're still married. I'm so happy for them, and if you want the truth, also a bit jealous. I always kick myself for not marrying my first "real love".

      But you can't unscramble an egg, right? So I'll go ahead and make an omelet.

      And that's what you get from me at 6:00 a.m. on a Sunday.

      Thanks for reading!

      Delete
  14. Totally agree that it is good to have The List, because it helps you SEE what is truly important to you. I had a list of 12 things, and each was extremely important, something I knew I could not live without in a man (first marriages really help with list making!). Made the list in 1989, and met my wonderful second husband in 1994. He met all the criteria. To those of you who don't think your list is attainable, open your minds. It is preferable to be single than live with someone missing a hugely important criteria for your peace and happiness. Know what is important to you and hold out for it. That said, it would be sad if two 9.5's stayed single waiting for the perfect 10. No one is perfect, but it's perfectly possible to figure out what you need in a mate.

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    1. Becky! I've been thinking about you!!!

      I'm with you regarding the attainability of The List. Keep those standards high. Bottom line seems to be, don't settle. When you find that ONE who has everything (or almost everything) on your list, your search may be over.

      Delete
  15. I made a list this past summer (after getting out of a 25 yr relationship and then dating bad choices). A few days later, I met someone. My list has 60 things on it; he hit 48 of them, including all of the important ones. It has only been 2.5 months, but all signs are good.

    The items on the list that he isn't? Well, mainly looks. I got really specific (Johnny Harrington, basically). And a few other things.

    I was a little freaked about how quickly it happened, and a little more freaked about how precisely my list describes him

    For me, the list was important in setting my standards. I didn't expect it to work so very, very well.

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    1. Lazy Susie that is AWESOME. I had to Google Johnny Harrington but YUM. Does this guy have the mountain man beard???

      You two were meant to find each other. Sometimes it happens quickly :) Congrats! Keep me posted.

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  16. I think that once we make the list, and it settles within us, we achieve a sort of acceptance and peace. We are comfortable with our decision that there ARE criteria for us, and that they must be met. Perhaps we then stop dating men who don't fit our criteria very well, so we are more available. And perhaps we then begin to attract men who have the qualities we are looking for. I have no scientific proof. But the list does have a tendency to create boundaries and standards and absolutes for us, whereas before perhaps we wandered around ditheringly and thus appeared more like victims or easy prey, and so attracted flawed and needy men.

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    1. I agree with this. When I was dating John McCain that last time, something in me was SCREAMING that it wasn't right. I hadn't made a list yet, but apparently my heart had other ideas.

      Since I made the decision to not date anymore, I don't think about it much. At all. I've focused my time and energy into the kids, work and trying to get a writing career off the ground. I figure if Mr Right is going to show up, he'll show up. If he can figure out how to wedge himself into my life :)

      Delete
  17. I'm a male so I don't know if I'm allowed to post, but here goes. I didn't have a list until 24 years ago when I met the woman who became my wife, then I found that I had a very short, concise list:: her. I haven't felt the need to edit the list, and I do all in my power to be sure that she doesn't need to edit hers. Today is our 24th anniversary and we're looking forwqrd to many more together.

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    1. Bob! I love when guys post! This comment especially. How sweet :) I wish you many many more years of happiness. Thank you for sharing!

      Delete
  18. I don't think I've ever made a list, but (holy cow!) I think we might be the same person. You've inspired me to make my own list. Who knows? Maybe I'll find "that" guy after I put together my list. :)

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    1. Yes, make one. And if you do find "that guy", please let me know!

      Thanks so much for reading!

      Delete
  19. Jenny, I thought you would have listed: "Wears some kind of uniform", but maybe that's only a nice-to-have (grins). I read a blog post today on Huff Post called "9 Reasons My Marriage Shouldn't Have Lasted -- And The Reason It Has" by Sharon Greenthal. You can read it here http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/4497906?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000009 For all the traits of our men that do not match our list, the most important thing is that "we agree to love each other every day." So, that would be my list's number one. Btw, reading your blog - from 2010 to present - has been wonderful these past few days. You have definite chicklit potential! I am a total (totes?) fan and would buy your books.

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