Six Signs That You Are Middle Aged

I'm going to be 47 in eight weeks. That's close to 50. Sometimes I forget that I'm no longer considered "young", except by really old people. In the eyes of society-at-large, I'm middle aged. It's easy to ignore the fact that time does indeed march on...but like Ace of Base, I saw the signs. And here they are:

Sign #1:  You find yourself entrenched in potty-training mode again...only this time the training is for YOU. You remind yourself to use the bathroom before you leave the house. Sometimes you can't remember if you've relieved yourself recently (like within the past 10 minutes), so you shrug, and try to go "one last time".  Oh, and that faint odor of human urine? It's not a Pull-Up this time, honey.

Sign #2: You are growing a mysterious and unsightly roll of back fat. You seriously consider buying one of those bras that looks like a Kevlar vest. 

Yeah baby!

Only they need to expand this Kevlar bra, so that it covers the entire area from the top of your armpits to the waist. Because this mysterious and unsightly roll of fat is like hot-effing-lava...if it runs into an obstacle it simply oozes around it. For a while I thought I had some weird glandular issue, then I realized that my back fat was just being pushed up and through my armpits.  Yes, in case you were wondering, IT'S SEXY.


Sign #3: When you watch an awards show or page through a gossip magazine, there are only six people you recognize: George Clooney, Oprah, Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston, Johnny Depp and Louis CK (okay maybe that last one is just me). The rest all look vaguely familiar but you can't place them. 

Have you met my pretend boyfriend?

When you look at Jennifer Aniston, you think, "I should really start doing yoga." You'll go online to find local yoga classes but end up watching videos of twin pandas being born and accidentally wake up the whole house because apparently twin pandas are loud little effers.



Sign #4: Next year, The Cosby Show will celebrate its 30th anniversary. Rudy is 34. If you remember settling down on the couch on Thursday nights and sighing over how cute she was, you are middle aged. 

Sign #5: You have taken an interest in bird watching. Not just noticing our fine feathered friends in their natural habitat, but YOU WATCH BIRDS. On purpose. You have even thought about buying a pair of binoculars and a bird-watching book. Seriously. This just happened, en masse, to me and a few of my lady-friends last night. We were out on my friend Kathryn's deck, gabbing about tattoos and mean little kids and the wine at Trader Joe's when one of us exclaimed, "OMG! Look at the bright yellow bird!". We then had a discussion about birds and their habits. Then there was a moment of awkward silence and we quickly changed the subject to which guy from "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" we'd sleep with. I chose Mac. Fat Mac, specifically. We may be old but we still watch cool shows, people.



Sign #6: You think, "Geeze that guy at Office Max was kind of flirty! I STILL GOT IT!" and then you remember that your 17 year old daughter is with you. Boom. If it's any consolation, the 70 year old Ed Asner look-alike who asked if you knew which aisle the ballpoint pens were in? He was totally flirting with you. 

And a bonus sign that you are middle aged: You will read this post and think of funny things you'd add but by the time you get back from the bathroom you will have forgotten them. 

But, I'm pretty sure that's a Pileated Woodpecker in your backyard!!! You'd better take a picture of that bad boy and post it on the facebook. Your friends will love it.