7/30/12

God...you have some explaining to do.

I have referenced my friend Sarah a couple of times...we got to know each other waaay back in the day, on the eBay chatboards if you can believe that.  This was over a decade ago, I was still married, still nursing.  Sarah had started a little chat group, and when I nervously asked to join (this was my first foray into interwebz friendship) she and the other eBay hens welcomed me with open arms.

Our group became stronger, and our bonds tighter, over the next couple of years.  We renamed ourselves "The Cul De Sac" because one day one of us declared, "Dang it...I wish we all lived on a cul de sac together.  Then we could just hang out in someone's living room and do this."  We celebrated births, we cheered each other on through down times, we gossiped and clucked.  In 2005, we all took a big leap and decided to meet IRL (that's in real life, I just figured that out about a month ago.  So now I'm going to use it).  A bunch of us gathered at one boardie's (that's what you were called back then) house in Dubin, Ohio.  Turned out to be one of the best trips of my life.

That's how I know Sarah.  And that's how I got to know her son, James.  In our little group, we often posted pictures of our kids, bragged about our kids, bemoaned the horrific behavior of our kids...you know the drill.  We watched our kids reach and pass countless milestones on that little chat board.  James was four years old when I first "met" him.

Our little group started to wane after a while, life got busy for all of us.  There was a divorce or two, one of us moved out of the country, others left the glamorous world of eBay for other jobs.  For a while, we didn't keep in touch.

Until facebook, that is.  Say what you want about facebook, but man does it bring people together.  I remember oohing and ahhing out loud as all of the Cul De Sac ladies posted pics of their kids, now bigger and taller and doing crazy things like riding two-wheelers and learning to drive and going to middle school and high school and college.  Those little kids we used to chat about back in the day, they were all growing up.

My friend Sarah is a single mom.  When Big Daddy first took off, Sarah reached out, offered advice and let me know I wasn't the only one dealing with an ex-husband and all of the side effects they can cause.

James is her only child.  I remember when he was little, and Sarah would post things about him, I'd feel a twinge of jealousy now and then.  How nice it would be, I'd think, to be able to devote all of my attention to just one kid!  And devoted, she was.  That kid was the sun in her sky.  Her love for him was obvious to anyone who spent even just a few minutes gabbing with her.

Last April, on Easter Sunday, James told his mom that he wasn't feeling well.  I clearly remember her posting about it on facebook:  "He's so pale!  I'm taking him to Urgent Care in the morning."  By the end of that week, he had been diagnosed with leukemia. 

I don't have much experience with leukemia.  There was a boy in my Sunday school class a ways back, who had survived leukemia, not just once but twice.  Survived it so well that there were some Sunday mornings I wanted to throw a Bible at him (loveable smartass).  So as awful, and shocking, and scary as the news about James was, I felt like this was something he would defeat.  I sent Sarah a message, relayed to her the story about my Sunday school kid, and told her James would be ok.  James would get through this.

And he did.  It wasn't an easy feat.  There were scares and chemo and infections and sickness.  But at long last, one day Sarah posted the good news.  The cancer was gone.

He had done it.  He had kicked cancer's slimy ass out the door.  Recovery is never easy, though.  He had to have a bone marrow transplant, there were hospital visits and tests and procedures.  But we, her far-away friends, thought that the worst of it was over. 

Then something happened.  You obviously know something happened, otherwise I would be writing about yoga pants or some stupid celebrity crush or my own kids.

He had complications, and complications on top of those complications.  He was admitted back to the hospital.

And all the while, I kept thinking, "He's gonna beat this.  He will pull through. He's going to go back to school and sports and being a goofy 14 year old kid."  Because that's how it always works out, right?  The good guys win in the end.

James died today.  He was 14 years old.

He loved South Park, baseball, The Walking Dead, chocolate milk and video games.

Sarah had some spiritual conflicts while James was sick.  She questioned things, and eventually decided that religion wasn't for her.  Every once in a while she'd post things about it, and it made me uneasy.  I judged her for it, I'm ashamed to admit.  I thought, "Why would you question God?".

God, I'm questioning you today.  I'm questioning why you would do this to a kid.  Why you would do this to his mother, his father, his grandparents.

James spent the last couple months of his too-short life in a hospital bed.  Being poked and prodded and operated on.  He should have been swimming at his grandparent's house.  He should have been playing baseball.  He should have been riding bikes with his friends and getting texts from girls and watching zombie movies with his mom.

And Sarah, his mom?  She shouldn't be making funeral plans tonight.  Tonight she should be thinking about how fast the summer has gone, and maybe picking up big teenage boy socks from the living room floor, and telling James to GET TO BED.

God, I know that you work in mysterious ways.  I know that death is a part of life, and that all of us are born with our very own invisible hourglasses hovering above our heads, each grain of sand part of a predetermined amount.  I know that James isn't the first innocent to perish at the hands of some heinous disease and I know that Sarah isn't the first mother to find herself living the nightmare that losing a child must be.

I know all of this, but what I don't know...what I cannot figure out, is...why?


Rest in Peace, sweet James.  






22 comments:

  1. When she's ready...she needs to start reading this blog...from the point when she loses her son. Amazing writer and she has a palatable faith based perspective that I think even an atheist could appreciate.
    I'm so sorry.
    http://aninchofgray.blogspot.com/

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    1. That's a really good blog. And I do think it will be good for her to read, when she's ready.

      Thank you.

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  2. Jenny,
    You've written here what is in my heart. Truly. I'm sitting in my little cublicle at work, tears streaming down my face, while co-workers awkwardly avoid eye contact because you, my friend, have so eloquently captured what is in the hearts of all of the residents of the cul-de-sac. Thank you for that.

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    1. Thank you, Amanda. Sometimes I forget how close we all really were back then...this very unfortunate event brought it all home.

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    2. Ditto...I should have known better than to read this at work.

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  3. I am just bawling my eyes out reading this this morning. You are so right. I know we're not to question God, why I'm not sure, but people have told me that my whole life. However, I believe the God I serve, the loving, the most fantastic God ever, has a reason for this and so many other tragedies in ours and our friends' lives, but alas, I can't figure out why for the life of me! I know we're made in HIS image, so I would think that we could understand Him better, but why I think that, I don't really know, because we can't even figure out each other here on Earth, must less God. What I do know is my heart is aching for Sarah and her Mom and Dad and her sister and Elizabeth and for James' dad and all his family. I just can't, and don't want to, imagine. I have a really bad, bad tooth right now, that's going to have to come out today, but I don't want to go anywhere or do anything because I can't stop crying over a boy and a mother that I've never met IRL, but would have liked to. Thank you for saying what is on so many of our hearts today. I love you Jenny, and I've never met you IRL either, but I would love to.

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    1. Love you too, Jeffie. I think it's ok to question things, even things that we may have been taught to accept without doubt.

      So many people have been touched by James, and his AMAZING spirit. I am hopeful that people will do good things to honor him, and to honor his family.

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  4. James touched the lives of so many people, more than he will ever know. Both IRL, and through the internet. And his memory will live on. Jenny, you have expressed the heart felt sentiments of all of us on the Cul de Sac. THANK YOU! Jenny, you are truly a talented writer. As are you Amanda. I've read some of your blogs. Kelly Rish, and I, are attending calling hours on Friday. One of the most difficult things I've ever done. But not as difficult as it is for James' Mom, Sarah, his dad, James Sr., his "Grammy" and his grandpa. My heart is heavy, and aches for all of them. His little cousin Elizabeth...his Aunt Becky...and his paternal grandparents and relatives. I am glad that I had the pleasure of meeting James, several years ago, and watching him grow up through Sarah's posts online. <3 RIP JAMES

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    1. Thank you, Janet, for representing those of us who cannot be there to hold Sarah up during this harrowing time. I hope she knows that we are all here for her.

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    2. I will certainly let her know, Jenny

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  5. I too remember Sarah from back in the eBay day, and the one thing I remember the most about her (besides her liking vampires WAY before it was cool!) is how close she and James were. You could feel it just by reading her posts on a message board.
    I am so sorry, Sarah.

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    1. Sarah and her vampires! Love that. She certainly was a trailblazer back then!

      Sarah's love for James was, and is, remarkable. She never, ever gave up hope and was by his side almost 24/7. Mama bear.

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  6. Jenny this made me cry, you said everything I've been thinking and you did it so much better than I ever could. (((Sarah and James)))

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    1. Oh, I don't know. I think all of us have said it perfectly and in our own way...we were all better for knowing this kid, even if it wasn't "in real life". He taught all of us so much.

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  7. I have tears in my eyes, too. Thanks for telling us Sarah and James's story, Jenny. Reminds me so much of way too many similar stories I've heard from Wishes & More parents about losing their kids...I'm so awfully, awfully sorry for Sarah's loss. I believe strongly in God myself, but to me that's not incompatible with questioning how he/she can allow children to get terminal illnesses, and not beat them...

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    1. Thank JCS. I too, believe, but after watching someone go through something this devastating, I finally understand the questioning. I feel terribe about how I responded to Sarah's deeply personal choice she made. I can't imagine, not even for a second, what must have been in her heart during this ordeal. I love her no matter what.

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  8. Jenny, YOu have a wonderful way with words and they are just what is in my heart. Thank you.. Love you...

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  9. I don't even know James or Sarah but this truly brought me to tears. I understand the questioning and doubting, I really do. My oldest nephew died unexpectedly in 2005 and although he wasn't my child, I haven't been the same in many ways since. I can't even imagine losing a child...

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    1. I'm so very sorry about your nephew...and you are absolutely right, I don't think you are ever the same after something like this happens. I cannot begin to fathom what my friend is going through, what your nephew's parents went through.

      It's just not right, is it?

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  10. This is nicaragua21 from the culdesac and i can't stop crying i love your post,you said what i feel is just not fair.
    Love,Scarlett.

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    1. Scarlett!!! I am so glad to hear from you, wish with all my heart it was under different circumstances. You were part of our little family on "the sac".

      Thank you for saying hello, and if it's any comfort, there are a lot of us crying right along with you. I hope Sarah can feel our love.

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