3/11/12

Six (or seven?) on Sunday

Hello my friends...this has been the longest I've gone without posting.  I was shocked to actually receive dozens of begging, pleading emails and comments from my rabid fans, demanding that I get crackin'!  Ok, maybe not begging and pleading, and maybe there were only like, four, but it feels good to be wanted.

And so here I am!  It's a glorious day here in sunny Minneapolis (and I'm not saying that with any sarcasm at all).  Seriously, we're in the middle of a veritable heat wave here.  The average temperature for March in Minnesota is 40-something, this week we're hitting 70.  And yes, that strikes a cold stab of fear in the fat girl's heart.  This is when the reality of not working out and eating your feelings all winter hits you.  Hits you like a pallet of Girl Scout cookies.  I've worn my long black down jacket since November, worn it like a coat of armor.  And now it's time to take it off.  Did I mention I'm full of self loathing and shame?  Well, I am.  This happens just about every year, only most years not until early May.  Despicable Me is not just a movie, it's what I imagine is printed on my forehead every spring. 

But what can you do?  You can't unscramble an egg, and you can't uneat your feelings.  So I'm doing what I'm so incredibly good at, which is picking myself up, dusting myself off and getting back on that old, swayback horse called "Fitness".  She's a good old nag, not unlike myself.  One of these times, it will stick, and I'll face a spring and summer not with dread but with gleeful anticipation.  Ok, maybe not gleeful anticipation but at least with something other than wishing Target sold invisibility cloaks.

Which (finally) leads me to the Six (or Seven) on Sunday.

1.  A good friend of mine has a wonderful yoga business here in Minneapolis, called Yoga Center of Minneapolis.  One of her crowning achievements (one of many, may I add) is her founding of an innovative series of yoga classes created exclusively for...ahem...girls of thicker stature.  Called "Big Ass Yoga", these classes are designed to make people who aren't tiny and fabulously fit feel comfortable and accepted in a yoga class.  And since I am facing this particular Season of Loathe with a little extra cha-ching (and an extra chin), I'm treating myself to a month of Big Ass Yoga. 

Jenny doing yoga?  What's next?  Maybe a mysterious lower back tattoo done in Chinese?  We shall see.  I'll keep you posted.  (and don't think I'm not Googling the Chinese translation of PLEASE KEEP HANDS INSIDE THE RIDE AT ALL TIMES)

2.  I dragged Molly to Costco with me the other night.  And about two minutes after we entered, she whined, "I'm bored."  So I encouraged her to play a game that gets me through those boring visits...it's called "Count The North Face".  Now that spring has sprung, we'll have to change things up a bit.  Hmmm...maybe "Count the Ed Hardy" or "Count the lululemon".  Whatever gets you from the televisions to the vitamins, y'all.

3.  We had all the windows in the house wide open yesterday, and that means I had to gather the angels 'round for my annual "The windows in the house are wide open" speech.  It takes a couple of days for them to adjust to whispering or gesturing their threats and outbursts to each other rather than the screaming and gutteral brays they become accustomed to using all winter.  Sigh.

4.  Leave it to me to go on the Netflix and find just about every television series that only lasted one season.  Right now I'm watching "The Gates" which is like True Blood Meets Desperate Housewives.  Next up is "Freaks and Geeks" only I don't think that's on the Netflix instant stream.  Might have to upgrade to DVD for that one.

5.  William's hockey team is playing for the number one spot in their division tonight.  I'm beyond thrilled, but also sad because this wraps up an unbelievable season.  This team is the hockey-fied version of The Bad News Bears (the original, of course, not the unholy and unwatchable Billy Bob remake).  Unless your kid has been on a team of scrappers and screw ups and fabulous misfits like this, you don't know how awesome it feels.  Especially when your own little Band of Bloopers kicks the ass of a team with stands chock full of smug, loud parents.  If looks could kill?  We'd all be goners.  I'm going to miss hockey.

6.  I want to tell you guys what's going on, legally, with me and the kids.  But I can't.  I will say that I now know even the smallest, poorest, most powerless among us can move mountains when we're backed by the right people.  And sometimes, you have to endure a whole lot of crap to get to the light at the end of the tunnel.  I'm seeing the light, people.  Finally.  And it's awesome.

7.  Another harbinger of spring?  It's time for the annual Shearing of the Yeti.  I bought a new razor just for the occasion.  And a container of drain cleaner.  Oh, how I will miss feeling the strands of hair blowing in the breeze through my yoga pants, but there are things that must be done at least once a year.  And the time is now.  It's been nice, leg hair class of 2012, but your time on this earth, and my limbs, has come to an end.  Thanks for the memories.

I will leave you with that sexy image, and now I'm off to peruse the "Not-Quite-Plus-Size" selection of Spring burkas at Target.

We'll gab again, real soon.

25 comments:

  1. 1. Big Ass Yoga? I am sooooooooo there! I like yoga, but am always intimidated, awkward, and fat. Do they let skinny Lululemon girls in there? I hope not. That might sound a little unfair and hypocritical, but you know what? Honey Badger don't give a shit.

    2. Good game. I love Molly!

    3. We will soon have this talk at our house, too.

    5. This was Donny's baseball team last year. Except they didn't win at the end.

    6. The light is so awesomely bright!

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    1. We are totally going together, Anonymous (lol). No, they do not let the tiny ones in. The girls at Big Ass Yoga wear clothing that is loose, so they can move and not have painful seams digging into their bodies. What's that Big Ass Yoga girl doing now? Ewww she's sweating on her mat. Big Ass Yoga Girl don't care. She's nasty.

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  2. This made my day. Big Ass Yoga and spring burkas? Glad to see you back on here. Have missed your posts & amazing, spot-on humor. Can't wait to hear the good news:)))))

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    1. Thanks dear. Good to be back! Old Navy has a nice selection of spring burkas too. Oh the places I'll go.

      Thanks for reading!!

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  3. I want to do "Big Ass Yoga"!!! As long as you don't have to move too fast or for too long, I might could actually "exercise"!!! lol

    I love, love, love the fact that light at the end of the tunnel has a brand new and bright light bulb shining!!! Yay!!!

    I had to shear my legs for the trip to Texas the other day...then I didn't even end up wearing anything that showed my legs! What a waste of time! lol

    We flew through Minneapolis on our way to TX, (don't ask me why it's cheaper to fly around the US to get to your destination, but apparently it is) lol I thought of you the whole time we were at the airport but our layover wasn't long enough for me to look you up and surprise you! lol Maybe someday though....I would love to meet you!

    I'm so thankful that things are starting to look up for you...you so deserve it! Love ya! :)

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    1. Awww Jeffie, next time let me know and I'll cruise out to the airport to say hello! That would be AWESOME. Thank you for reading, friend.

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  4. That was fun to read. The funniest one I've read. Happy Almost Spring, Miss Jenny.

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    1. Thank you QA. Right back at you. Thanks for reading.

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  5. Ugh, I don't like yoga, big ass or otherwise. The only good thing about it is it's NOT PILATES.
    My exercise consists of flinging the girls' stuff back into their rooms & chasing the dogs out of the neighbors' yards (& then scooping up their giant piles of poop from said yards).
    Works for me :)

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    1. Beth you'd think that the daily lives of moms would just automatically burn off every calorie we ingest, no? I shudder to think what I'd look like if I didn't climb the stairs 90 times a day or bend over 500 times a day to pick up random socks. Or plunge out a clogged toilet 3x a week.

      I'm the last person you'd expect to find her Zen, but all those skinny bitches at Costco can't be wrong.

      Thanks for reading, my friend! Are you caught up on Walking Dead??? BECAUSE I WANT TO BLOG ABOUT IT!

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    2. Yes! We're caught up, Blog away! I keep thinking I'll read the comics, but I think that would spoil it. Have you watched Being Human yet? I think you'd like it. A vampire, werewolf & a ghost all living together--very soap opera-y & very appealing characters. It's on Sy Fy, on Monday nights.

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    3. That's so funny..YES I watch Being Human, I love it! And I'm such a dork I started watching the British version too. Which I love!

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    4. LOL! We have started watching the British version too! I like the British guys better but the American Sally better. We are truly nerds :)

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    5. That's freaking hilarious. How far are you on the British series? I'm all caught up now and am able to watch the current season through Comcast on demand. Swear to all things holy I'll give up running water before I give up my cable.

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    6. We're still on the first season of the British series (but all caught up on the American).
      I just don't have TIME with all of my other commitments!
      (You know, Walking Dead, Californication, Grimm, Hoarders, Mad Men, Dexter, True Blood, Game of Thrones, the Borgias, Boardwalk Empire, & we're about to take on Shameless...) Thank goodness they rotate seasons :)

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    7. Oh.My.Gawd. I can't wait for you to start Shameless!!!!!!! LOVE IT. I joke that me and the kids are just a couple steps above the Gallaghers.

      And Nurse Jackie starting back up in a couple of weeks. Thank goodness for friends who have Showtime!

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  6. A girlfriend of mine went to Big Ass Yoga and loved it. I've been practicing on/off for 4 years and it was amazing after even my first month how much more limber I got.
    Also, I am SO glad the light is getting brighter. I hope it blinds him. Permanently.

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    1. Thanks for stopping by! I took some yoga classes a few years back, at my friend's studio, and was amazed at how calming it was. At the end of the session, when they have you just lay there? Sometimes I'd start crying! So I'm looking forward to being more limber, both mentally and physically. At the very least maybe I won't grunt when I bend over anymore.

      Thank you for your nice comments ♥

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  7. I just can't wait to hear about the legal stuff and getting the justice due to you! I am soooo rooting for you and your children.....

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  8. Thank you Jeannette!! I can't wait to gab about it. And THANK YOU for your support...we can feel it ♥

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  9. The vision I got from #1 was pretty bad, nevermind the terrible - erm - never mind, I think I'll leave the analogy (ugh, pun) buried in my mind and burn it later.

    #2... the game at the airport is "short skirt, long jacket". Another version of it: full moons vs half moons. And I'm not talking about the one you can see in the sky through the window of the airport terminal.

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    1. Oh Tang. Just wait til I show off my fresh ink at trivia one night.

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  10. I hear your chatter on the Netflix. I just finished up Accidently On Purpose (do not judge... I unashamedly like Jenna Elfman and I'm so sorry it didn't make it past one season). Just starting Drop Dead Diva and I have White Collar in the queue. I think they made it past the first season. I hoe so anyway.

    Bryan wears North Face. Sigh...

    My yoga pants have never been to yoga in their life.

    You already know how if feel about states that don't chew up dead beat dads and spit them out! Go Michigan for being on the stick about something! And go you...can't wait to hear the details. It's been a long time coming!

    Jusy

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    1. Jusy, I love you! I, too, watched Accidentally on Purpose. I've loved Jenna since Dharma and Greg.

      And Bryan would fit right in here. I'm just bitter because North Face runs small and costs big. Someday..someday I will be walking through Costco with my North Face.

      Nice to hear from you...miss your musings on the facebook ♥

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  11. Where have you gone??? Your fans miss you!!!

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